John Moore (left) and Kelly Slater and the look of victory.
John Moore (left) and Kelly Slater and the look of victory.

Ethically sustainable: Kelly Slater wins you over!

Oh you fickle, fickle people.

Well, well, well you grouchy sod, you crusty skinflint, I hope today finds you in the mood for crow because that is exactly what is being served for breakfast. Piping hot crow. For do you remember when Kelly Slater launched his brand OuterKnown some… what… three years ago? Four years ago? And of course you remember. How could you forget? There you perched in front of your computer, maybe on your phone, watching $50 t-shirts and $35 beanies and $65 button-downs roll off the line and into your life.

“$50 t-shirts and $35 beanies and $65 button-downs?” you shrieked. ” What? Are they spun from 24k gold? From gossamer so pure that the kings and queens of Europe fight for its control?”

Kelly Slater tried to tell you then that the supply chain is broken and the only way to offer you an $11 t-shirt is to follow Rip Curl into North Korea’s famed Surf Industry mines where poor men, women and children scrape their fingers against genetically engineered cotton and neoprene 23 hours a day for seven grains of rice but you didn’t listen and continued to shriek, “$245 for a blazer? Are you friggin’ kidding me? For reals?”

And you let the man know on his Instagram. You let him know in the comments that he was robbing the middle and upper middle classes but Kelly Slater kept his head down, didn’t stop believing, and today his company is a shining example of ethical sustainability. Let us read a message from him now.

We started @outerknown with the highest regard #ForPeopleAndPlanet. From seeds to suppliers to circular design, our mission is to protect natural resources, empower the people crafting our clothes and inspire change within the industry and beyond. Funny enough, doing the right thing at all levels of making clothes takes a lot of patience and is much pricier so I want to thank everyone who has understood what our goals are as a brand and has had patience with our process. Check out our Sun Sale on now through Sunday, June 24th, at (link in bio). 328 styles at up to 60% off normal prices. Hope you all dig it and are having a good summer! 🌞✌🏽🏄🏽‍♂️

And do you know what the comments say underneath? They say, “Thank you, Kelly.” And, “I love your cargo shorts!” And, “It’s my favorite brand to wear!” And, “I’m happy to pay more for organic and free range food and always try to buy from local producers. I understand the costs of production are higher but OK prices are exorbitant even with 60% off it’s not cheap. I believe that real sustainability can only be achieved if the said environment friendly products are accessible to the majority of the population.”

Wait a second. How did that last bastard slip in here? His mouth should be so stuffed with crow by now that his fingers shouldn’t even work.


shark repellant
How sharks used to be repelled in the olden days.

Shark repellant news: “Essence of Dead Shark!”

Welsh inventor says he's cracked the code to fending off sharks. The stink of death!

Who would’ve thought, say, fifteen years ago, that the development of shark repellants would become a boom industry?

Wasn’t the ocean dying? Less fish not more? A desert beneath our toes?

Do you remember the $250 anti-shark leash, a device so magical it prompted one surf website to write: “The streets of Torquay and Jan Juc are abuzz right now. It’s not about a warm wetsuit, or the Sci-Phi or even about stealing Micro Hall as a coach. Instead, surfers are lining up for something much smaller… pros are scrambling to acquire one particular piece of surf tech… The tech? A leash with shark-deterring capabilities.”

Then there was Sharkbanz. The $600 anti-shark tail-pad.

And so on and on.

Of course, they all sucked, at least according to Australian consumer magazine, Choice

But maybe salvation is nigh, in the form of a Welsh cafe owner who admits he knows “nothing about sharks or science” but who has sold his house, his biz and his pension and poured a quarter-of-a-million pounds ($US350,000) into his version of a shark repellant.

From Wired magazine.

“I was really pissed off at the authorities,” Brooker says, speaking about the 2014 protests that erupted across Brisbane and Western Australia when the Western Australia Shark Cull was implemented, and which Brooker witnessed first hand. The policy was to cull sharks of over 3.5 metres, and as the majority of sharks in that area are in excess of four metres, Brooker saw this as a general attack on the entire species. “I thought, ‘’We’re the most intelligent species on the planet, there has to be a better way of resolving this conflict,’” he says.

Hoping that if sharks could be persuaded to leave humans alone, such measures would no longer be necessary, Brooker put his thinking cap on, and he and Simon sold their stakes in their Cardiff properties and sank everything into developing the Podi. The device, which can be attached to a surfboard or worn on the person that slowly, releases a chemical based on the scent of dead shark. This chemical continuously dissolves in water, providing a potent, and potentially life-saving, repellent. With Podi, the Brookers’ aim is to prevent sharks from wrongly being killed, while also preserving reefs and wider marine ecology.’

“Brooker admits that he “knew nothing of sharks, or science” yet he did what anyone would do in his position: he took to Google. A comprehensive trawl of the internet told Brooker that not only were most current shark defence systems expensive, the majority only worked in close-proximity, a range which Brooker believes is too dangerous. Or, as he puts it “Not even a double-barrelled shotgun will stop a white shark when it’s a metre and a half away in attack mode.”

Brooker sought a more logical approach, beginning with the assumption that, like every animal in existence, a shark can be persuaded to flee as an act of self-preservation. The key to encouraging such behaviour was stimulating its most powerful sense. Many sharks can detect their prey at one particle of DNA in 10 billion, while a white shark can smell prey up to 1.8 miles away. Using a shark’s own sense of smell against it, it seemed, was the answer.

“I thought if we can make a smell that it doesn’t like that encourages it to move on, we’d have something. Sharks generally aren’t cannibalistic, so I thought a rotten shark might just scare another shark,” says Brooker.

Long story short. Brooker’s Eau de Fuck Off Sharks is eighteen months from completion.

“We’re risking everything,” says Brooker.

Do you believe? Or he crazy?

Read the story here. 

Victory: Israel smashes Surf City, USA!

And the official death of American Exceptionalism.

These are not proud days for the United States of America. Not proud days at all. We didn’t make it into the World Cup in soccer, the closest American to the Jeep Leaderboard Yellow Jersey is Kolohe Andino in surfing (all the way down there at 12), the most exciting picks in the recent NBA draft are from the Bahamas and Slovenia, jailing babies is the new national pastime and Israel, a nation 300% smaller, just beat our record for “most people ever in a paddle out.”


Reuters tells us:

Hundreds of Israeli surfers in black skull-and-crossbones shirts took to the waves on Friday in what they said was a record-breaking protest against potential environmental damage from off-shore gas development.

Organizers said 992 people, among them athletes and actors, paddled out and held hands to form a circle opposite Herzliya, promoting their demand that a planned gas rig be relocated further from Israel’s Mediterranean coast.

A slogan on their shirts read: “Don’t poison us.”

Israeli authorities say the new platform poses no environment or health threat.

Friday’s event would be submitted to Guinness World Records for recognition, organizers said. Guinness currently lists a 511-person circle of surfers off Huntingdon Beach, California last year as the world-record “surfing paddle-out”.

Damn it. Not only did Israel beat our record they smashed it. Is there anything left for us or is American Exceptionalism dead?

(A video of Israelis celebrating their victory).

Video: Examine the “pop-up” of the worlds’ most famous surfers!

See Kolohe Andino's "chicken wing" and John John Florence's "Aussie sprinter" pop-ups in slow motion…

Four weeks ago I wrote an unkind, but true, story listing five more ingredients of the filthy kook.

You know the sort of thing: measuring waves in metres, calling marshmallow soft mid-face direction changes “wraps”, riding a log without a leash and, pointedly, examining in serious detail as if it were the formula to curing inoperable cancer of the pancreas, your “pop-up.”

It surprised me, although it shouldn’t given the rise of the mega-kook adult, but it has become its own field within the study of surfing performance.

Let’s list again a recent Google search.

If that gallops your heart, examine this.

At the Founders Cup at Surf Ranch two months ago, a man called Brent Rose from the sports blog Deadspin filmed the “pop-up” of Kelly Slater, Jordy Smith, John John Florence, Carissa Moore, Gabriel Medina, Stephanie Gilmore, Matt Wilkinson, Kolohe Andino and a few more.

“Here we have the GOAT, the 11-time world champion… see that he’s kicking like crazy. That’s not so much to propel him forward, but to keep his board on a hydrodynamic plane so it goes smoother.”

“And now the reigning back-to-back world champion John John Florence…hands go back towards his waist…and look how high his front knee comes up. It actually hits him in the chest before it pops down. Both feet hit at the same time and his foot his way ahead of the traction pad so I guess he’s using that to generate drive.”

“Kolohe’s putting a ton of pressure onto the deck of his board and just…thumps down…when his hands hit the rails. So…boom…”

It makes for perversely compelling viewing.

Exclusive: Kelly Slater reveals secret J-Bay strategy!

The King is back!

For certain you’ve already seen the news that Kelly Slater is booked for a surf at the Corona J-Bay Open. A professional surf contest that runs from July 2 to July 13 in the dead of South Africa’s winter. You may have seen it on Surfline or the World Surf League propaganda organ or Instagram but you certainly saw it and I bet you thought, “Finally, bro.”

Before we get into Kelly’s injury, how he has spent his last year nursing it, what he thinks moving forward, the secret strategy he is planning on utilizing to fell the world’s best surfers etc. let’s talk about Corona’s sponsorship of the event.

So, Corona, a word that means crown in Spanish, is brewed by Grupo Modelo in Mexico City and has been since 1925. It is a very popular beer in the United States and also popular in Australia, though Modelo Especial is better as well as one of the group’s other offerings, Estrella, a word that means star in Spanish. Grupo Modelo was recently fully purchased by a Belgian-Brazilian transnational beverage and brewing company with global headquarters in Leuven, Belgium called Anheuser-Busch InBev.

Are you with me so far?

If you need a quick recap, and I’m not faulting you if the answer is yes, in Corona we have a beer started in Mexico but popular in America and Australia with a parent company that is Belgian-Brazilian.

South Africa, where Jeffery’s Bay is located, was enveloped by the great Bantu expansion which took place before the common era. In 1652 the Dutch colonized the land, wanting it to secure their place in the spice trade. The British wrested it away from the Dutch, as the nation had fallen into disrepair, in 1815 in order to hedge against French aggression. The Dutch/English combination is why Jordy Smith sounds the way he does when he speaks today (a little retarded).

Now, the Netherlands (Dutch) have many famous beers, chief among them Heineken (popular on Oahu’s North Shore). The British (English) also have many famous beers, chief among them Newcastle Brown Ale (popular in Newport Beach, California).

So why isn’t it the Heineken J-Bay Open or the Newcastle Brown Ale J-Bay Open? Mexico, the United States, Australia, Belgium and Brazil have never had a vested interest Africa’s bottom. Is something nefarious at play? A new age of empire?

Riddle me that you bastards.