Breaking: Jaws just called off with
commissioner Mike “Snips” Parsons saying, “Too risky!”
By Chas Smith
Dave Kalama adds, "We must protect the surfers from
themselves!"
The second I pressed publish, extolling you to
cancel your dentist appointment and tune in to the technological
miracle of Jaws and Honolua running simultaneously, the powers in
Santa Monica’s high castle smote me for insolence. The waves at
Jaws became to0 big to surf safely, lips too thick and drops too
severe according to the Big Wave World Tour commissioner Mike
“Snips” Parsons.
What did you miss?
Only the benchmark for the next generation Billy Kemper packing
a massive barrel. Only men and women putting on a marvelous show,
dancing on God’s fury.
And other assorted “hero moves” according to Pete Mel. Now, the
swell should be more “approachable” tomorrow but what if the swell
disappears entirely? I trust the buoys as far as I can throw them
so what if everyone wakes up tomorrow and there is no Jaws?
Will people be sad and call for Snips’ head on a pike or will
people understand that safety should always be first?
Big questions for tomorrow.
Keala Kennelly won the woman’s side of the draw as they went
first. Bravo to her but I couldn’t help but feeling that the World
Surf League missed a grand opportunity. As you are aware, WSL CEO
Sophie Goldschmidt recently found herself in spot of bother for
allegedly telling female surfers trying to get in to Mavericks/get
equal pay that it was “an abuse of the #metoo
movement.” So what if today, they truly flipped the
tables, called off the men because too risky for them, but sent out
the women?
Front page news around the world!
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Jaws/Honolua live now: “It started as a
haunted house, now it’s a haunted mansion!”
By Chas Smith
The World Surf League unveils technological
miracle!
I think you must drop what you are doing right
now, even if it is very important, even if it a much needed dentist
appointment, and tune in to the World Surf League’s groundbreaking
split screen hosting of Jaws and Honolua, both on Maui, both
featuring feats of physical and emotional strength.
Back to the split screen, it is a technological miracle. You can
silence Joe Turpel (Honolua) and listen to Kaipo (Jaws). You can
silence Pottz (Honolua) and listen to Pete Mel (Jaws). You can
silence everyone or play both streams at full volume.
All very genius and I think twice as genius in light of the
colossal technological fuck up that was Tiger vs. Phil.
Bravo World Surf League!
But wait, who is going to win? Besides us the viewers if we
silence everyone?
Listen: Gerry Lopez says SUPS suck! Ryan
Callinan says Medina has the heart of a “smooth-nippled lion!”
By Derek Rielly
Up the Swellians etc!
Have you fallen under the spell of the podcast Ain’t
that Swell yet? God knows how many years it’s been
going now, six, seven, eight?
Like all things, it’s evolved from a modest back and forth
between the writers Jed ‘Smivvy’ Smith and Adam ‘Vaughan’ Blakey to
something so deeply Australian, so idiosyncratic and sure of its
way, there isn’t a podcast on earth like it.
This episode, which was released two days ago, is a new high
point. It is four hours long but you’ll keep listening until your
bladder stabs into you.
It is world title themed and features interviews with Mick
Fanning, Joel Parkinson, Gerry Lopez, Tom Carroll and Ryan Callinan
who “talks about the paddle battle with Medina and calls out
Aussies for getting dark on Medina afterwards,” says Vaughan.
Late last night, I recorded a short interview with Vaughan, he
in a hacienda that looks like a sinner’s palace in Crescent Head,
your writer, in the dirty city.
I am excited even though my thing has long been cured of its
ability to have erections.
BeachGrit: God I love this so much it hurts. I feel
jealousy, joy etc.
VD: Same! All love should hurt. Otherwise it’s lukewarm likey at
best.
Gabby shouldn’t be torn down by misguided nationalistic nonsense
for having the heart of a roaring smooth-nippled lion. R-Cal goes
right into the whole Subertubos paddle battle which is great to
hear with a bit of retrospect, especially cause he loved it until
he got to shore and saw that everyone was blowing up.
Talk to me about the Ryan-on-Medina interview.
It’s a snippet from one of the best interviews I’ve heard in a long
time (Smivvy did it) but the crux of our cut is that Gabby
shouldn’t be torn down by misguided nationalistic nonsense for
having the heart of a roaring smooth-nippled lion. R-Cal goes right
into the whole Subertubos paddle battle which is great to hear with
a bit of retrospect, especially cause he loved it until he got to
shore and saw that everyone was blowing up. I guess the thing is
that it’s not wrong to let your passion go mad in the heat of the
moment, hate as much as you like between hooters, but let it go
after that. Joel and Mick have similar sentiments in the same
episode, but probably the best observation of Gabby comes from
Ronnie who reminds us how much a world title race without a true
villain sucks. Gabby is happy to be that guy, and one day I reckon
we’ll all end up loving him for it.
Gerry Lopez goes ice cold on SUPS and says that catching waves
might be a bit of fun and all, but padding around on your belly on
a surfboard is truly the best thing ever. He also says Arnold
Schwarzeneggar can’t build model planes because his fingers are too
big.
I ain’t eaten the whole four hours yet. What’s the
highlight?Ah, the lament of the modern human is always a
lack of time. Let’s cook flesh while the irons are fresh from fire!
But talking to Parko a few hours after he won Haleiwa, Bainy and
Tom Carroll jiving on how scary Pipeline is, and Gerry Lopez going
ice cold on SUPS and saying that catching waves might be a bit of
fun and all, but padding around on your belly on a surfboard is
truly the best thing ever. He also says Arnold Schwarzeneggar can’t
build model planes because his fingers are too big. Man, there are
so many gems.
Four hours long! How?
Man, we just love the woozle so much and a world title climax at
Pipe is the best because there’s just so much to talk about. And
when you have Mick, Joel, TC, Gerry and Bainy on hand you let it
roll because every one of those guys have won and lost out there
and they all have insane shit to say about it. And most
importantly, they’re psyched as fuck surf fans who are stoked out
of their minds on the whole show. It’s wild how frothy and into it
they are. We could have gone for 24 hours.
Do Mick and Joel phone in?
Ronnie and I interviewed Mick in the White House on the Goldy. If
you listen close enough you can hear his dog panting into the mic
most of the convo. Parko buzzed in from Hawaii after visiting the
Moniz house to celebrate Seth’s qualification. He was with Occy,
Dog Marsh and Louie. It was like dialling back in time. Biggest
buzz.
Tell me how everyone’s character has evolved in the
show, yours, Jed’s, Danny Johnson, Pauly-B etc.
Mate, the only thing that’s really changed is that once upon a time
we were talking to 2,000 people an episode and now we’re talking to
20,000. And it’s the sickest thing because we’re just fucking
around but maybe that’s how people want to consume surf shit when
they’re not in the water themselves? All I know is every single
person who listens to our podcast loves surfing as much as we do
and judging from the questions they send in they know their shit
and love taking the piss as well. Actually, I probably scream and
swear way way more than I used to. I might have to tone that down a
bit. And Pauly works way harder on all our songs and sound effects
than he used to too. Smivvy’s exactly the same; wild fighter for
the underdog and a total surf mad lunatic. It’s all just stupid
fun.
Is the Swellian Army now…a force?
Oath! Swellians are fucking the gnarliest legends ever. Nobody has
a better handle on how fun surfing is. UTFS for life!
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Groundbreaking: Surf Snowdonia rebrands as
“Adventure Parc” changing the game again!
By Chas Smith
Feat. a brand new Hilton Garden Inn!
You have had trouble sleeping soundly, no
doubt, after it was reported right
here that the world’s first wave tank 2.0, Surf
Snowdonia in bucolic Wales, was at odds with Snowdonia National
Park over a planned hotel/expansion.
Snowdonia National Park felt the proposed building design was
out of character and that the size and capacity of the scheme was
excessive, complaints that mirrored the Campaign for the Protection
of Rural Wales own position.
Well, rest easy tonight friend because…….. the plan has been
approved and seems more fabulous than ever and let’s go without
even slowing down for a breath to Wales’ Daily Post:
Surf Snowdonia is in advanced talks with Hilton to open a
hotel at its Conwy Valley surfing lagoon.
Under the plan a 106-bedroom Hilton Garden Inn would open
next to the lagoon along with a ‘wellness spa’ and conference
facilities.
The company also revealed a new brand and more details of
its game-changing new adventure offer which will open to visitors
in summer 2019.
This will include indoor and outdoor activities as well as
an “Adventure Concierge” to link visitors with off-site
adventures.
Surf Snowdonia, which opened in 2015, will rebrand to
Adventure Parc Snowdonia to reflect its broader offer, although the
300-metre inland surf lagoon will remain a key part of the
attraction.
Investment in the development will be in the region of £16m
and Surf Snowdonia say around 100 new roles will be
created.
Ok a couple things here. I am thrilled, beyond, that at least in
Wales, surfing will board the same short bus as ziplining,
trail-running and whitewater rafting in inner tubes as opposed to
where the World Surf League wants it next to professional football,
professional soccer and professional. Don’t you think it’s the
better fit alongside a ropes’ course, the whole family buckled into
helmets and harnesses, convincing little Billy that he can let go
of the big tree and shuffle out across the gorge?
I do and also think that Surf Snowdownia will push surfing
toward this inevitable end just like they pushed the entire world
into a surf tank arms race.
Another thought, why Adventure Parc and not Adventure Park? I
know here in California that if you have a “bank” it has to be
federally insured with many other rules but if you call it a “banc”
you can pretty much rip people off in any way you see fit. Do you
think Wales has the same restriction with parks? Like, if you have
a “park” it must be regulated but if you have a “parc” then the
whole family doesn’t have to be buckled into helmets and
brain-eating bacteria can come too?
Last thing, I’m slightly upset that it’s a Hilton Garden Inn.
Those are the cheap airport ones yeah? Not that any Hilton is good
anymore but… you know?
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Flick, adventurous.
From the-toast-your-libidinous-powers
department: Pro surfer releases all-nude film!
By Derek Rielly
"I felt really free. It was wonderful!"
It’s a particularly unwelcoming day at the Australian
bureau of BeachGrit. An onshore wind of a ferocity
surprising this late in spring licks the face.
Cold, too.
I’m slumped over my little corner desk with drool hanging down
like an icicle.
The film/exhibition is called Skin Deep and is a
project three years in the making, with cinematography by the noted
RED-slingers Rick Rifici and
Dwayne Fetch.
Flick’s boyfriend, the journalist Jonathan Jenkins, is a dear
old comrade and is the producer of the film and exhibition. Flick,
said JJ, is the daughter of the world-class ceramicist Warrick
Palmateer and has been painting longer she’s
surfed.
“There’s creativity in the family,” he says.
Since Flick was attending to various physical ailments, back,
knees etc, I asked, in a stage whisper for this is the elephant in
the room is it not, if the pair was terrified of provoking the ire
of Facebook feminists etc.
“The goal of art is to provoke conversation and to capture
people’s imaginations,” says JJ. “It’s there to stimulate
conversation and contemplation. Everyone has a platform now on
digital media and some will agree, some will disagree. Some will be
inspired, some will be repulsed. That’s the nature of life.”
Still, says JJ, “When you see the finished product, how
high-end it is, you’ll see how far we went to create and then
convey that beauty.’
The four-minute short, which is cut to a Rufus track and who
reportedly sent Flick an email expressing their joy over the film,
will be released in two weeks, maybe less, and the art will be
exhibited throughout 2019 in Sydney, Western Australia and
California.
