Don't be scared, Ashton Goggans. It's only me!
I was at Dubai International Airport yesterday killing a few transit hours, browsing duty-free perfumes while scrolling through Instagram when I saw a longboarding photo tagging Stab magazine’s editor Mr. Ashton Goggans who goes by the handle @ashtonsealegs.
It had been quite some time since I’d seen a mention of @ashtonsealegs and I assume it was because he blocked me on the social media application a year or so ago. I had a different account then, @reportsfromhell, that was mysteriously disappeared by Instagram right exactly when the World Surf League partnered with Facebook which happens to own Instagram. Very curious but also not very interesting. I started another, @surfjournalist, mostly just to keep tabs on what’s happening in our surf world and to screen grab things from Joel Tudor.
So, anyhow, there I was in front of Givenchy’s Gentlemen Only clicking on @ashtonsealegs to see what my old pal has been up to but once again saw that I had been blocked which means Ashton went far out of his way to find my lightly trafficked new account and jump through the proper hoops in order to bar me from seeing other photos of longboarding, puffy jowls and male adornment.
I wondered, that last time, what a person hopes to achieve by blocking someone on social media and was given many helpful answers. Nick Carroll, for example, wrote that I must make Ashton feel unsafe. Many others told me to stop picking on the poor boy and that I was making them feel awkward.
Completely understandable and I’m sorry. I guess I just really miss @ashtonsealegs and also watched Steven Soderbergh’s new film Unsane on the way from Dubai International Airport to Los Angeles International Airport.
It is about a stalker and made me wonder, this time, if I should up my game.
Well, what do you think? Should I use all cash to purchase a cabin in the woods, dig a well, power it with solar and throw my IP address every time I get online?
It sounds relaxing and I do need a writing retreat but I’d like your opinion first.
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The Chadillac Muskalade Era was unfortunately fleeting.
Ideas for Chas Below
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dress properly you fucken hipster.
After seeing that photo Chas I just have to ask… What took you so long to go flying over that table? I’m guessing you just had to wait for his to say something you could use as a reason. When I was listening to the POD I was wondering why you pounced. I thought man Chas sure has a thin skin to get that fired up over that. Now I understand.
Chas surely you know joos control all informative sites and for that matter everything!
Diamond Dave is a personal idol of mine
Mine too.
https://youtu.be/IArxakPsPE0
What cocaine sounds like played-back off recording.
Chas, I believe you misspelled “tough butt-tweet”, however I’m sure you can rectify this matter in further missives.
Fuck he’s a punchable human.
A rape dungeon in the woods is far to lenient mate
That face with the “I’ve been a naughty little boy” expression is just crying out for some chin music.
Have I missed something here ??? Where the fuck is the story on revisiting the Middle East?? Fuck Goggins we need some stories of the trip man!!
“ ass ass ins” ?
I’m not sure I understand you but it sounds rather modern and free thinking. Good on you. It was all different in my day of course…
BG is like an inverse version of ‘Dear Abby’.. where the voice, Chas, broadcasts his problems to us, the readers, and we give opinion. I think you should double-down and take out a billboard on him.
The real travesty here is how our very own BG buried the lede on how charges were dropped on the table jump/choke.
Was the D.A paid off? Did the glove not fit – so they had to acquit? Witness intimidation (most plausible)?
First, I tip my jaunty cap to you for writing “lede” and not “lead.” Second, I believe David Lee Scales refusing to testify blew Ashton’s case.
DLS ain’t no rat, ese.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
What man files charges when he doesn’t lose teeth. No man, that is who. You only file charges if you lose teeth, or an eye. Every dude knows this. Otherwise it is school yard rules. https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Sprunkle has two words for you Chas. O and zarks.
People need to re-listen to the podcast with Chas vs Bilbo McStabdouche. Ashton is the epitome of smug yet eternally boring and definitely warranted an ass-whoopin. I look forward to more Ashton-bashing.
Also, Chas, “that was mysteriously disappeared by Instagram”? Might have had something to do with posting Orlando Bloom’s penis THREE TIMES. It was a wild 24 hours for all of us.
That’s true and it would have served me right but that wasn’t Instagram’s reason, when some faceless drone finally responded. They pointed to odd copyright issues that they made impossible to fix.
© BloomCock, Inc. All rights reserved.
Total Beta male. First the virtue signaling, then the smug insults, then the weak threats, then the falling backwards in shrieks of terror.
The right thing to do is perhaps back off a bit and observe radio silence while getting him a subscription to Playgirl magazine delivered to his office.
if Morgan Williamson gets around the office on a pink hoverboard I don’t think a couple playgirl issues is going raise any eyebrows.
Perhaps “Bound and Gagged’ and “Shackled’ magazines would be more appreciated.
should have drawn a cock in his mouth. like a proper 3rd grader.
But look at him. So tough, like a merchant marine, but so sweet and fragile. Ashton is the perfect modern man.
there is a certain “turpel” quality to that shot.
It’s the double edged sword of Dimples – perfect for life as a game show host but makes it hard to be taken seriously.
Never known of a hangin’ Judge with dimples
It’s crazy that this photo was intentionally taken. Here’s the steps it took for that photo to come into the world:
1. Hire Photographer
2. Pose like a pedophile
3. Photographer and Ashton go through the photos.
4. Ashton chooses his favorite few.
5. Narrow down to one photo.
6. Color correct and edit.
7. Send in for some press release.
What fucking photos DIDN’T they use????
I was thinking more along the lines of a sweet rustic metrosexual, what would that be, rusticsexual. Triple down, get the cabin, go crazy on him.
He looks like somebody I would burn on a crappy wave just on principle. Probably cuz he’d be riding a retro single fin. Ironically though.
What happened to Stab’s pay per article business model?
Chas this isn’t a good look!
Oh I know! That’s why I need your help? Is a cabin in the woods too predictable? Should I invest in a bunker?
I think you should hold a press conference, invite all the worlds top surf journalists, and CNN too and outline how you scored an absolute victory against Ashton, that your jumping the coffee table was the greatest display of heroism and valor since Caesar crossed the rubicon! Or you do the manly thing we have all done on a Sunday morning and pretend it never happened!
See. This is exactly why I ask. Brilliant.
Caesar Smith!
Gentlemen Only though… hahaha