Help Part II: Stab magazine editor blocked
me on social media again!
By Chas Smith
Don't be scared, Ashton Goggans. It's only me!
I was at Dubai International Airport yesterday
killing a few transit hours, browsing duty-free perfumes while
scrolling through Instagram when I saw a longboarding photo tagging
Stab magazine’s editor Mr. Ashton Goggans who goes by the
handle @ashtonsealegs.
It had been quite some time since I’d seen a mention of
@ashtonsealegs and I assume it was because he blocked me
on the social media application a year or so ago. I had a different
account then, @reportsfromhell, that was mysteriously disappeared
by Instagram right exactly when the World Surf League partnered
with Facebook which happens to own Instagram. Very curious but also
not very interesting. I started another, @surfjournalist, mostly
just to keep tabs on what’s happening in our surf world and to
screen grab things from Joel Tudor.
So, anyhow, there I was in front of Givenchy’s Gentlemen Only
clicking on @ashtonsealegs to see what my old pal has been up to
but once again saw that I had been blocked which means Ashton went
far out of his way to find my lightly trafficked new account and
jump through the proper hoops in order to bar me from seeing other
photos of longboarding, puffy jowls and male adornment.
I wondered, that last time, what a person hopes to achieve by
blocking someone on social media and was given many helpful
answers. Nick Carroll, for example, wrote that I must make Ashton
feel unsafe. Many others told me to stop picking on the poor boy
and that I was making them feel awkward.
Completely understandable and I’m sorry. I guess I just really
miss @ashtonsealegs and also watched Steven Soderbergh’s new film
Unsane on the way from Dubai International Airport to Los Angeles
International Airport.
It is about a stalker and made me wonder, this time, if I should
up my game.
Well, what do you think? Should I use all cash to purchase a
cabin in the woods, dig a well, power it with solar and throw my IP
address every time I get online?
It sounds relaxing and I do need a writing retreat but I’d like
your opinion first.
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Opinion: “Kelly Slater on Joe Rogan was one
of the most embarrassing clashes of surfing and pop culture!”
By JP Currie
"As Slater’s competitiveness has fizzled, his
narcissism has been lit like a flare," writes JP Currie.
I pity Kelly Slater. Really. It’s difficult to
reconcile just how I arrived here. Once a hero, now almost a
meme.
His descent into absurdity has been rapid. I loved Kelly once,
truly. But there comes a time when even our deities need to be put
out to pasture. A time when they should slip away with dignity to
burn brighter in our memories with every passing year. I think, by
this point, Kelly has fucked that dead.
As Slater’s competitiveness has fizzled, his narcissism has been
lit like a flare. Though, to be fair, he has always grasped for
attention outside of the surf world. Unfortunately, being a surfer
just isn’t very interesting.
Nick Carroll once said (in this very comment section) that Kelly
doesn’t get enough credit for being a psycho. A flippant but
accurate summation of Kelly’s sociopathic dedication to surfing
performance. It’s just a pity he can’t stick to that. As Slater’s
competitiveness has fizzled, his narcissism has been lit like a
flare. Though, to be fair, he has always grasped for attention
outside of the surf world. Unfortunately, being a surfer just isn’t
very interesting.
Kelly’s appearance on Joe Rogan was, in my estimation, one of
the most embarrassing clashes of surfing and pop culture. If this
man is our king, then he just made the rest of us look really,
really silly.
“Kelly Slater.” Joe says in the intro. “We’ve been talking about
doing this for how long?”
(Subtext: please stop emailing me now cunt).
Rogan’s podcast is the biggest there is. You can be damned sure
Kelly’s been badgering him. That was obvious as he ticked off the
Rogan tropes (MMA, hunting, shit you should/shouldn’t eat, BIG
FUCKING SCARY ANIMALS), and as he awkwardly hoisted
out-of-character attempts at bawdy humour “That’s not the kind of
three-way you like, huh?” He even tried out Australian and South
African accents as he recounted stories. C-R-I-N-G-E. Slater had
all the poise of a teenage girl taking a selfie with her favourite
pop star whilst simultaneously pissing her pants.
Despite what David Lee Scales (famous for co-hosting a podcast
with Chas Smith) might think, Joe Rogan can be a great interviewer.
Different, sure. Sometimes a little irreverent, sometimes a little
stoned. But he has a way of eliciting gold from his subjects by
simply letting them speak, guiding the conversation where
necessary. Colloquialism and playing dumb can be disarming weapons.
(John McPhee, Draft No.4,
the chapter on Elicitation. You’re welcome, Scales.)
Rogan’s podcasts aren’t always good, but sometimes they’re truly
great. And he has a back catalogue of tremendous guests.
Not so with Kelly Slater.
The entire conversation was like a classic schoolboy lunchtime
debate. The only missing ingredients were whose dad would kick fuck
out of whose, and which bird got a wild fingering up behind the
bins at the weekend.
It would be fair to say that Joe Rogan was perhaps a little
baked, and clearly wasn’t interested in surfing. Why would he be?
What’s interesting to a non-surfer beyond sharks? But that wasn’t
really the problem.
Slater just didn’t have anything interesting to say. He hijacked
Rogan’s anecdotes and attempted to tell them better. He name
dropped (“I actually was with Samuel L Jackson three weeks ago in
Paris…”). He shoehorned terms he thought Rogan might bite on like
“flow state”. And he tried vainly to accredit himself as an MMA guy
(“I actually trained with Don The Dragon Wilson”). Worst of all was
the repeated “I had a buddy…my friend…I know a guy…etc” as the
conversation skipped jauntily from non sequitur to non entity and
back again.
“My friend has a giraffe.”
“Bears are so primal.”
“You sure it wasn’t a skunk ape that did it?”
“I thought I pooped out my colon.”
For the two-hour duration of the podcast Kelly was not the king
of surfing, he was the guy at the party who always has a story
bigger and better than yours. The guy you desperately want to
disappear.
Crocodiles “his buddy” told him about that are 29 feet long and
15 feet wide.
Thirty-five foot Great White sharks that his “friend” told him
about. “Bruh, the biggest sharks are way bigger than you think…”
(in mock SA accent).
Right…
Embarrassingly, Rogan tried to end it early. I’ve never heard
him do that before.
After this Kelly went into hyper mode as he desperately tried to
grasp something to extend the conversation. With absolutely no
relevance he starts talking about his foot injury again. He shills
his buddy’s juice. He asks Rogan a question as if he’s the host,
except it’s not really a question. And he tries desperately to get
back to me, me, ME.
Joe: “I worked out for five-anda-a-half hours
yesterday.” Kelly: “I surfed for five hours yesterday.”
Joe: “I’ve done intermittent fasting. I like to
do 16 hrs” Kelly: “I’ve done, like, nine or 10 day
fasts.”
And then, just when you think it can’t get any more ridiculous,
he says the most American thing ever. (When Rogan mentions Sober
October) “You got me in, man. I don’t drink much, but I feel so
much better not having a beer.”
Despite his 46 years, Kelly Slater is a child of the Internet. A
little knowledge of lots of things but no real depth. It’s a sad
indictment of the effects of the Internet on learning in general,
and it’s a shame to see someone who is a true expert in his field
not be satisfied with that. Just talk about surfing, Kelly. We want
to hear about it even if Joe Rogan doesn’t.
You know Of Mice and Men, right? Course
you do. School n that. A play that became a novel. The story of
loneliness and a beautiful but ultimately tragic relationship. Two
men: one small, sharp of feature and wit. The other a big spaz.
Lots of foreshadowing –should have killed the cunt ages ago
etc.
These last few years of Kelly’s career have felt a little like a
performance of the story. Kelly (of course) plays multiple
characters.
He’s Curley’s Wife, flaunting himself anywhere people will have
him. Craving attention, whorish rouged lips parted suggestively.
Deeply tragic.
He’s Candy and Candy’s dog. Old, knackered, long past his best.
A bit whiffy. We’ll keep him around out of guilt, respect. But
sooner or later someone will shoot the fucker and we’ll all be
secretly glad.
He’s Curley. Bouncing around with his dukes up, picking internet
fights in places he has no business. Trying desperately to prove
something.
And he’s Lennie. Poor, thick Lennie. Probably harmless but maybe
not. We’ve habitually excused him.
We play George. All of us.
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Introducing: The gorgeous Matt Parker of
Album surfboards!
By Jen See
He puts the mental in experimental!
If you surf in Southern California, you’ve
probably seen Matt Parker’s Album boards around. Influenced by his
art school background, his boards are distinctive. If you want a
plain-wrap clear board, I’m pretty sure he’ll make you one, but his
aesthetic tends toward the bold.
Parker started shaping for the usual reason — to make himself a
board — and got hooked on the practice. He’s self-taught and build
his first 20 or so boards entirely with hand tools. Currently,
Album builds boards of every shape and size you can dream up with a
mix of hand and machine shaping. Lately, Parker’s been
experimenting with asymmetric designs and he’s a fan of the way the
things ride.
Here’s a short interview for your enjoyment.
What was the first board you ever had?
I didn’t get my first board until I was twelve or thirteen.
I think I was in the sixth grade. And I got this 6’6” Rockin’ Fig
80s style shortboard that I think my parent’s got at the flea
market or something like that. I was like, obsessed — I got it for
Christmas and I was obsessed with it. It was magic though! It had
glass-on fins and cool airbrush. And I was like wow. It was made
out of fiber glass. It was just — I was kind of blown away by
it.
I grew up like half-an-hour inland. In California. I grew up
in Orange, California, going to Newport to surf. But the idea of
where surfboards came from was always kind of this mysterious
thing, because I was always on the outside a little bit. There was
only — there was maybe five or ten kids in my school that surfed.
Seeing surfboards and being around that, was, I wasn’t right at the
bubble of it, so it had a little extra magic about it.
Why did you start building boards?
The first board I shaped, I think I was 25. My background is
art and and I’d gone to school for graphic design. So the idea of
making a board, I didn’t seem all that insurmountable to me. It was
just like making a painting or sculpture or something like
that.
Back then — I mean, it wasn’t that long ago, I guess it was
20 years ago — but the boards you would see on a rack in a surf
shop, there wasn’t a whole lot of variety. Shortboards, fun boards,
and longboards — and maybe the occasional fish here and there.
There was a lot of uniformity.
So I was like, “I want to surf something a little
different.” So I made this 6’1.” It was like a performance board, a
thruster, but it kinda had a little wider tail and a wider nose —
and elements of those boards I liked in the 80’s as a kid. And
modern rails — I was trying to make, you know, modern rails. I’m
sure if I looked back now, I would gasp a little bit. But it did
work. It came out somewhat looking like a surfboard.
Do you still have it?
I didn’t keep it that long. Right after I made it, I surfed
it for a month maybe, I really got the bug to make another one. So
I went and put it on consignment at Surfside Boards in Newport. And
someone, amazingly! bought it. I remember when they called me, and
I was like, really? Somebody bought that thing? Maybe it’s still
floating around somewhere. Maybe someone is still riding
it.
What designs are you really excited about
now?
So the last four or five years, I’ve been making a ton of
asymmetric boards. There’s huge potential in those. Playing around
with those has been very addicting.
Your back foot just sits right on the sweet spot that makes
a board pivot and turn. It’s just a really unique sensation. They
don’t feel like you’re jumping on something that feels weird. They
get more out of your board on lesser days and they have a really
wide range where they’ll work when waves are good, too.
I’ve been making a couple little models for Josh Kerr. It’s
been really validating, because he’s surfed them well in all sorts
of waves. I made this little board called The Insanity. It always
has an ‘80’s beak nose. It has a fishy entry rocker, but the
original one I made for him was a 5’6” pintail that he surfed all
over Hawaii: 5’6” x 18 1/2 x 2 5/16. It has a little fuller fishy
foil to it, so it’s this little pocket rocket pintail.
Aesthetically, your boards don’t look like what anyone
else is doing and I like that. It’s nice to see something that’s
not the cookie cutter thing.
That’s what’s so funny, you know. A surfboard shouldn’t have
rules as far as those things go. We can make whatever we want! Yet,
there tends to be a little bit of conservative outlook in how they
should look, you know. It kind of comes down to a little bit of
that outsider perspective I had as a kid.
There’s so much that goes into the hierarchy of surf spots —
in terms of where you fit in and your ability to get waves. It’s
dependent on how people perceive you. Understandably, people kind
of want to fly under the radar.
You’re putting yourself out there. You’ve got a real chance
of putting a big target on your back that you’re kind of a kook.
It’s easier to fall in line and follow the herd a little bit. For
me, it’s like come on, it’s surfing. We’re trying to do like, water
ballet on surfboards out in the water. We can’t take it too
seriously.
We’re all looking for that little magic board that’s going
to make us surf the way we think we can surf, right?
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Erik Logan (left) and Oprah Winfrey (center right)
flash surf hands.
Revealed: The beautiful new synergies
between Oprah and the World Surf League!
By Chas Smith
Is professional surfing the new hottest ticket in
town?
I’m back from the Land of Civilization,
blurry-eye’d and in a general state of long haul confusion. It
feels good to be home but oh how I missed my Middle East, my Egypt.
It’s strange watching the globe shift beneath our feet. I studied
in Egypt two-ish decades ago and then the entire country was geared
toward the American empire. You couldn’t walk down the street
without a street hustling Egyptian offering you the world, telling
you that he named his son George Bush.
Now there are no Americans and few Europeans. The country points
towards the gulf and aims to satisfy Khaleeji appetites instead. I
was like a ghost which was enjoyable but also sad. My cab driver,
who took me to the airport on the way out, was also sad. He begged
for Americans and Australians to return. “We’re safe now…” he said.
“…please tell your friends and family to come back. I used to take
people to the pyramids everyday. Now I never. All the Kuwaitis want
is prostitutes and alcohol.”
If you’ve got the itch you really should visit. The pyramids are
fabulous this time of year.
Well, time moves on, anyhow, sometimes things becoming better,
sometimes things become worse, sometimes an ex-employee of the
Oprah Winfrey Network becomes the World Surf League’s President of
Content, Media and WSL Studios-elect and next thing you know Julia
Roberts is talking about it on television.
It’s true!
The very famous actress went onto the Busy Philipps talk show
just a few days ago in order to discuss many things including
ageism and gender inequality. Shall we read?
Speaking about ageism in the movie industry, Julia said: “I
think that’s made-up bulls**t that at a certain age, the bell is
going to ring and you are done, go on back home. It’s silly and I
don’t think anybody buys into that. I don’t think I am special.
I’ve always been fortunate that I have always found the work I am
looking for. I mean, 30 years is a long time and I am grateful and
satisfied.”
And Julia also has strong feelings about the gender pay gap,
and says that although the problem still exists, it is getting
better “every day”.
She said: “It’s an ongoing thing that we wish was more in
the rear view. But every day … today I know the World Surfing
League announced that they will have equal pay for their female
surfers and male surfers. And Manchester United has a female team
that started this year. I think there are places where people are
really making those efforts in the right direction. So if it’s a
little bit of time, then we have to take it and be happy for
it.”
And boom. World Surf League front and center in Julia Robert’s
heart and mind all thanks to Erik Logan via Oprah Winfrey, I’d
imagine. Do you think this is the beginning of something big? Will
World Surf League events begin to resemble Los Angeles Lakers games
packed to the gills with celebrities and pseudo-celebrities?
Will the VIP section at the almost here Pipeline in honor of
Andy Irons be stacked with actual very important people instead of
Gabriel Medina’s aunt?
Like John Mayer and Leonardo Di Caprio and Jamie Foxx and Jamie
Foxx’s on again off again girlfriend Katie Holmes?
A very brave new possible horizon.
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From the buy-low-sell-high Department: Rip
Curl halves profit, takes “huge step backwards!”
By Chas Smith
And more good news from the front!
The Middle East is in a very strange time zone,
I’ve just realized. When the sun peeks over the horizon, into the
desert sand and honking horns, it is very late at night back home
in California and just after dinner in Australia. Two night times
and how does that work? How is it morning here, night in the U.S.
and basically night in Australia?
I should know and am sure the answer is clear but there is no
way I’m sussing it out in this state. I have more work today,
anyhow, a full slate but before getting out in it I must nominate
the definitive guide to
surfing’s best brawlers for BeachGrit’s best of ’18.
It had me laughing start to finish.
There is no laughing in Torquay, Australia right now though
because it was just revealed that Rip Curl had the worst of ’18,
halving its profits from ’17 and potentially tanking its value.
Shall we read from The New
Daily?
Australian iconic brands Rip Curl, Quiksilver, Ozmosis and
Billabong are struggling to turn weighty profits ahead of summer as
consumers continue to turn their back on once trendy branded
T-shirts and surfy swimwear.
The wildly volatile surf retail sector has been rocked by
brand collapses and acquisitions in recent years, with Rip Curl
being valued at anything between “$80 million and $400 million”
depending on who you ask, according to retail expert Brian
Walker.
Rip Curl Group’s full-year profits this year took a dramatic
dive to $9.8 million, halving its encouraging 2017 profit of $18.4
million.
It is a huge step backwards for the company, which this time
last year had reported a doubling in profits.
The company attributed the massive drop in profits in part
to its de-valuation of subsidiary retail chain Ozmosis, The
Australian reported.
Etc.
Oh I know how just two months ago we celebrated the surf
industry’s return and maybe Rip Curl’s troubles
are just a small speed bump on the way to glory but things don’t
look rosy for the big three. (Quik, Bong and Rip).
It is very convenient that Rip Curl owns a retail chain, I
suppose. An easy hook upon which to hang the precipitous drop in
profits but part of me wonders if supply chain is the real culprit.
In ’16 things were trucking right along with North Korean slave
labor the engine.
Choo-choo!
Due to an unfortunate expose, however, that all went away and
mysteriously vanished profits with it.
Hmmmm.
Well you win some and you lose some but the article did point to
an interesting phenomenon. Even with profits halved…
“…Rip Curl is doing better than the others and I think
that’s because they’ve stuck to a core ‘surf brand’ strategy and
focused on their aspiring and hardcore surfer market.
“Their competitors have diluted their brand by going into
fashion lines and activewear to appeal to a broader market and have
lost their way.”
The aspiring and hardcore surfer market. Us!
I always knew we’d be the future. Should we all go work as Rip
Curl slaves now? It would be very inspiring, pushing those North
Koreans out of the way, taking up the needle and thread and
bringing Torquay back into the light.
A summer blockbuster film even.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
