The horror. The horror.
I have been aware of online bullying as a cultural phenomenon for five or six years, maybe a little more, and must tell you the truth; I was unimpressed by, even callous to, the plight of the victims. I understood that it must not be very fun but unlike real bullying, a boy or girl can disappear from online without a trace, no? Snapchats can be deleted, email addresses changed, Facebooks made very private and, like that, the tormentors pushed into outer darkness.
No?
No.
For yesterday I tasted the sharp, pointy stick of an online bully and it will likely take some therapy for me to open my inbox without wincing in fear for years to come. Allow me to tell you the story.
It was a day like any other though more stormy than usual with gusty winds and threatening clouds. I woke with the first light, went downstairs to make some coffee and my kindergarten-age’d daughter breakfast and flipped open my computer screen. First I read news from the exciting world of wave pools then I scooted over to [email protected] to see what the morning might hold.
Things seemed normal initially. Emails from Derek Rielly, emails from our exciting new filmers, emails from the World Surf League announcing a longboarding event in Taiwan but then a shiver ran up my spine.
What’s this?
The Inertia Fam: Subscription Confirmed
Every sinew in my hands revolted but conditioning won the match and I clicked.
The Inertia Fam
Your subscription to our list has been confirmed.
For your records, here is a copy of the information you submitted to us…
If at any time you wish to stop receiving our emails, you can UNSUBSCRIBE HERE
I mashed the button until blood oozed from my littlest finger. My daughter asked, “What’s wrong, Daddy?” in between bites of pasture raised egg yolk and Eggo waffle and shrieked when I looked up to respond. My face, I realized, was a frozen mask of horror. A twisted and dark visage.
The Inertia Fam? I honestly hate trendy words, like “fam” and hate them worst when they are very clearly 3 years past their pull-by date, vaguely urban and used exclusively by white people. Fam. “Hey, fam!” “What up, fam?” “Yo, fam!”
Ugh.
The Inertia Fam. An online bully had made me part of The Inertia Fam even if only for a few seconds.
After I dropped my daughter off at school, I came home and took an extra long shower trying to wash The Inertia Fam off but no matter how vigorously I scrubbed, I could still feel it on me. Like an ugly pair of OluKai flip flops. Like a smarmy, meaningless smile.
It took much pacing and more vodka for me to return to my computer as the sun was dipping into the cloud wreathed sea. A wasted day, work-wise, but I couldn’t be chased from my domain. I had to master once again so back to [email protected] and my eyes, like magnets, fell upon the subject line This week in SUP: 11/30/18. The sender?
SUP Magazine.
I haven’t slept a wink and am planning on calling Ms. Melania Trump neé Knavs, who heads up an anti-cyberbullying task force, to beg for help once I find my voice.
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I’m gonna sign you up for the Stab Mag email list
Any story that starts with “It was a day like any other” is most likely crap 💩
I’ve got a mate that came back from a recent surf trip and now calls me ‘brah’. Fuckin want to vomit every time.
Doesn’t seem to bad at all really.
Best of all is when it comes from someone without kids, and they think that by asking that question it shows how empathetic they are… When really NFI
I’m confused.
Either that guy with the camera is super-tiny, or semi-naked guy is HUGE.
Whoever has done this: please reveal thyself that we might shower you with praise for the greatest way to prank Chas. Brilliant!
But can we lower the bar?
Are we saying it can go any lower?
There is a rule someone once told me: “better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.” Apparently Scott bass has never heard this rule.
Also as to the above rumor: “stupid is as stupid does.”
Oh shit, I totally blow out that rule every five minutes.
I think that’s the point of internet message boards? But nobody knows who exactly we are so we continue on our merry ways.
Oh no, I mean in real life!!!
Esp in the surf. But people are generally forgiving of me as they instantly recognise my ‘special’ nature. ( unmitigated dirty kook)
I just loved you did school drop off and drunk vodka at what 9-9.30am tops??
Hmmm
wait… you read your email? what even is this? all my illusions are totally shattered.
Jen! is that a selfie above?
Or did Jen buy ‘young woman celebrating beach healthy lifestyle graduation’ from shutterstock
This is appalling Otto!
Do tell…
You and your hollow causes are funny. It Otto be appalling.
Shifting gears, you got any inside information on this Inertia Fam? I bet their secret handshake is some variation of the Poka.
https://beachgrit.com/2017/…
I wouldn’t call it a cause. Just a curiousity at what kind of sleazy junk comments you’re making now.
Do you wish you were part of something, mate? (I mean, aside from an anonymous internet message board, of course).
You seem to think that I might be embarrassed at having written for The Inertia for a time. You couldn’t be more wrong. I hold Zach in very high regard, they paid me good money for my contributions, and I very much enjoyed it.
Ya feelin it
, Otto parts ?
You Sleazy junk operator.
Sleazy how? It’s a fair call that my comments can be junk. I’m getting better though. Teased the curious kitten in you.
You got me wrong about you writing articles for The Inertia. I don’t care about that. I’m not trying to beat a dead whale here. I figured you knew more about this Inertia Fam thing than the rest of us. I can’t tell whether that email Chas got is real or not. Figured you could help us. Fine. Don’t help us then.
You guys need to get a room. Your chemistry is scintillating.
Did O2 go anaerobic ?
While there was no intent to be appalling, out of deference to Bleach’d Git, I deleted it. Wasn’t my best work.
Tread carefully entering the scary world of self – censorship ?
I hear ya JB. I’ve got a lot of respect for the Mods here at BG. They do a thankless job.
Oh I love a bad pun as much (if not more) than the next man. Don’t ever change, Otto!
I’ve just bought you and Derek tickets to Wanderlust at Turtle bay.
I hope you didn’t forget to include the matching yoga pants with a Hawaiian sunset Print ?
Does Reyn Spooner have a yoga line, now?
Kind off makes one wonder what Quiksilver and Billabong would have become had they stayed at home and just concentrated on making the world’s best boardshorts ?
In any business in any industry “growth” is how you live and die. Even if Quik and Bong had self-fellating boardshorts they would have still needed t-shirts, pants, etc. Almost makes you wonder what amazing products we’ve missed out on because someone didn’t have a growth strategy.
Thanks JH . I understand about growth . My dad was a banker and so many stories about successful small to medium size businesses who eventually went bust trying to get to the next level but lacking the know how and infrastructure to pull it off !
It’s the “where have I heard that story before” scenario, right? Great idea. Shit business plan. Even shittier management.
The woman with the face paint and shiva pose is proof hell exists.
Evidence is mounting. Long live Satan!
I am renting a Jeep to surf on over to Turtle Bay and enjoy a diverse and spiritually-organic good time with my fellow water enthusiasts. “Right place, right time!” – some B-level rapper
Wanderlust adverts have brought about a deep desire inside me for merino wool.
Could this be the work of Erik Logan?
I suspect the self-loving SUP-er might be more schooled in the dark arts of cyberattack than we might imagine. One doesn’t emerge unscathed from Oprah world without some skills! Beware, Chas! You adversary may prove worthy after all
Bingo!
That’s too fun a theory to ever be true!
watch and see – E-LO will agree to an interview with Chas on the condition that it happen while SUP-ing together on the Hanalei River. laird will crash the party and slap chas with his paddle while ashton films from shore.
on the plus side, it’ll give chas enough material for a new book.
How’s the wifi at Kalama Kamp?
Oh damn that would be amazing if the WOolzle publicly started fucking with you, and posting that stuff in their own site.
DZ could invest hundreds of thousands of dollars in confetti bombs and mail-order brides.
He’d pay Kelly to phone you up and leave heavy-breathing messages.
I’d give away my merino wool-clad jeep with custom michelob ultra (with organic grains) bottle holders to see that WSL-BG romance blossom
Looks like Ashton or Rory or more likely Rory’s wife are having the last laugh!
Rory’s too busy making super gay videos of him shirtless rubbing ham all over his fat stomach. I still don’t know how he got a job at BG. Maybe I just answered my own question.
how is work going?
I don’t have another guess. That one covered your entire back catalogue of comments.
Let me guess…is it a story about how smokin hot all your friends are?
The inertia made Chas’ little finger bleed. A redline has been crossed.
The Battle of the Bandaid Begins !
Remember Chas ,”You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war. … ”
Napoleon Bonaparte
Perhaps best not to take warring advice to often from old Napster
The kid from Corsica had a good run on the world tour and ended up Emperor which sounds better than becoming a Goat ?
I couldn’t see through my tears. Going back in!