Easter weekend looming, crap forecast. Had to greenlight the start in weak gurgle at Winkipop. Some highlights.
“Planet Earth is blue” said David Bowie, “and there’s nothing I can do.”
Kieren Perrow, who seems to have been shuffled sideways from Comissioner to old-fashioned connest director was forced to a similar conclusion.
Easter weekend looming, crap forecast.
Had to greenlight the start in weak gurgle at Winkipop. Nothing he could do.
It was QS surf and in QS surf, CT level surfers looked worse than QS surfers. I would have put good money on Matt Banting winning any heat or any one of the Brazilian kids who looked amazing in onshore two-foot surf during the Aussie QS leg. It was a day for Jadson Andre to shine, and he did. Distinguishing himself with fast, flat turns that threw clean halos of large droplet sprays.
This new round one is now the “seeding round” which I don’t quite understand. I don’t understand Joey Turpel’s insistence that it now brings “better surfing as a result, with way more pressure”.
It just don’t, Joe.
The official line that it brings us closer to man-on-man surfing seems odd, too. Twelve heats of round one, four heats of round two before we get to man-on-man round three.
That’s 16 heats. We used to get there in 12 heats.
Sure, a last place is now a heavier consequence, but seeing as only four people get it, versus 12, you could argue the pressure is less, because fewer people get to feel the sting.
Jordy looked insane, that big swallowtail getting up on the plane like a Cuban cigar boat on a night run from Havana to Miami. I think I downplayed his surfing on the Gold Coast, being distracted by the shiny things that Brazilian goofyfoots were laying on the table.
No more chipping.
But it is a hard day to write about.
Jordy looked insane, that big swallowtail getting up on the plane like a Cuban cigar boat on a night run from Havana to Miami. I think I downplayed his surfing on the Gold Coast, being distracted by the shiny things that Brazilian goofyfoots were laying on the table.
Jordy is 30 now, is that too young for a lifetime achievement title, to be totally rude? He is one the few, maybe the only one on Tour, who can physically block Gabe Medina. Hard to imagine Jordy sustaining that level of aggression for 10 months, but if he could…
Do you think there are similarities between Kelly Slater and Tiger Woods? Ronnie Blakey claimed their stories “were very similar”. I’m not so sure that is complimentary to Kelly. Also, maybe not very true.
Kelly has been a great champion, greatest ever, who has suffered a gradual decline, exacerbated by contrary board design decisions and a foot injury which defied description by somehow being healed when an event was held in the Champ’s own domain. Whether he has a great comeback victory in him, a World Title seems ludicrous to suggest at this point, is an unknown and increasingly contingent on very many ducks lining up perfectly for him. A Final Gift from the Universe.
Tiger was a great champion who indulged sexual vices, endured public humiliation and scorn and overcame severe back injury and surgery to make his comeback.
So, apart from being great champions, not very similar storylines, at all.
Again, a small-to-non-existent crowd watched the champ in white in his round three heat with Filipe Toledo and a kid they dragged off the footy park yesterday as a wildcard to replace the injured Griffin Colapinto. The wildcard, a solid ranga with the very post-modern name of Xavier Huxtable, started strongly. He had the heat in a squirrel grip until Toledo started to catch waves.
Kelly sat.
The strategy looked dismal in onshore dribblers.
“I feel like I can hang,” said Kelly in a segment. In a live Q and A in Byron Bay last week he said “whether I win or not, it’s not going to change my life”. The lack of hunger looked palpable, despite the post-last place presser on the Goldy where he claimed he needed to be hungrier.
The sixteen-year-old backyard footy player bombed two finishes which, in the final analysis, would have put Kelly into last place. Kelly found some corners and manufactured a score – a flat six – with deft speed work and edgy, tail focussed turns. The highlight of the heat, apart from Filipe’s surfing, came in the dying seconds. Xavier paddled into a wave, needing a score, Kelly, down the line, paddled towards the kid to throw him off and jinx his line.
It worked, and the kid fell. Kelly beats a sixteen-year-old kid.
“Got to beat someone,” he said, and dodged a bullet.
Yellow jersey, yellow-haired leader Italo Ferriera looked shakey in heat four. There seems to be some issue with emotional regulation. With the world at his feet last year post Keramas he underwhelmed at Ulus and at Surf Ranch.
Is he flying too high now? Too close to the sun.
As noted on the Gold Coast, in his enthusiasm to launch he lost touch with traditional lines. Did he leave you behind? A common theme I heard was alienation, people couldn’t relate to it. Even Peter Mel made mention of the disconnect with traditional lines in Italo’s surfing today.
The defending Champ squeaked through. Second to Zeke Lau and relegating a hapless Caio Ibelli who has looked lost ever since he took aim at the injustice of Slater getting the injury wildcard over him.
Filipe bought the edge-work and air game, Gabriel brought very many variations of a disaster slide against crumbling coping, preceded by a voluptuous bottom turn which found easy speed on boards which he somehow had managed to add more width and thickness to from the Gold Coast.
Julian Wilson brought a repertoire as luxurious and diverse as a Jakartan nightclub to heat five and still came runner up to WA wildcard Jacob Willcox. Despite the continual assertion that war is peace and the new format creates a more consequential round one it’s obvious watching heats that once first and second have settled in, the pressure is off. As Julian and Willcox demonstrated.
Filipe bought the edge-work and air game, Gabriel brought very many variations of a disaster slide against crumbling coping, preceded by a voluptuous bottom turn which found easy speed on boards which he somehow had managed to add more width and thickness to from the Gold Coast.
Gabe has changed the parameters of CT surfing. Over-powering thin boards is passé. I’d love to see Kelly add a half-inch to the width and a quarter-inch of thickness, just for the hell of it. What a thrill that would be, to see the GOAT take the twitchiness out of his surfing.
Hard to embellish or dress up the last few heats. It was dross. Lot of dead air to plow through and the commentary did, I thought, an excellent job. Just for once though, I’d love to see one go off script. Ronnie is practically apoplectic with the pressure to hold inside what he sees and processes.
Brother skipped away during his heat. Called by guest commentator Mason Ho as our 2019 World Champ. His eighth year on Tour. When he said that I felt the chill of death creeping up my spine.
Where does the time go?
It slips away quickly, far too quickly, both watching and being part of the greatest show on Earth. My favourite language, bar none, is Californian Therapy Speak and Kolohe nailed it textbook style when he parlayed a question from Rosie about the loss to Italo on the Gold Coast when he said he “took the blame 100%”.
Total responsibility. What a philosophy!
Dreadful, and yet so terribly terribly attractive for the ambitious.
A sly bet, waiter, just fell in my soup.
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Men’s Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Jadson Andre (BRA) 12.23 DEF. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 9.97, Owen Wright (AUS) 8.20
Heat 2: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 10.26 DEF. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 8.07, Jack Freestone (AUS) 7.84
Heat 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 15.87 DEF. Kelly Slater (USA) 10.63, Xavier Huxtable (AUS) 10.23
Heat 4: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 10.57 DEF. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 10.06, Caio Ibelli (BRA) 9.73
Heat 5: Jacob Willcox (AUS) 13.74 DEF. Julian Wilson (AUS) 13.73, Joan Duru (FRA) 11.00
Heat 6: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.70 DEF. Ryan Callinan (AUS) 13.00, Harrison Mann (AUS) 7.87
Heat 7: Conner Coffin (USA) 10.77 DEF. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 10.60, Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 9.56
Heat 8: Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.77 DEF. Seth Moniz (HAW) 8.67, Soli Bailey (AUS) 8.37
Heat 9: Ricardo Christie (NZL) 11.83 DEF. Yago Dora (BRA) 10.10, Wade Carmichael (AUS) 8.04
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Remaining Men’s Round 1 Matchups:
Heat 10: Michel Bourez (FRA) vs. Reef Heazlewood (AUS) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)
Heat 11: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA) vs. Jesse Mendes (BRA)
Heat 12: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Mikey Wright (AUS) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)
cheers bru
You have a fundamental misunderstanding of both the sports writer and the sports fan.
Get outside the bubble and watch how real pro sports operate.
It’s not the only misunderstanding, believe me…
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
I thought when I wrote it, it was about 600, was shocked to find it come in over a thousand.
Definitely over-kill.
Hey gang what’s your thoughts o how the WSL will deal with the real possibility of late season 25 ft onshore Margaret River given it would also be side to onshore Northies
Peace out brothers and sistas
Fuck you hippie, this ain’t The Inertia with their brothers and sistas and binaries.
Just kidding. Judging from WSL’s form this year they’ll find a way to not run a competition when the waves are on
Jordan has never looked sane
The best thing about this young WSL season so far is Longtom. No one constructs a simile better.
There will be lots more shit surf before it gets good. Unusual conditions for this time of the year with shit winds out of the East. That’s normally a summer weather pattern. We might get a few good days of surf next week but it will be touch and go whether they can hold all of the men’s and women’s in three days, which is the absolute most you get in Vic before the wind goes shit again.
This means they will try to hold all of Rd 1 and 2 (both men and women) in shit surf over the next few days. Perversely, we might yet see good waves for the finals.
Faaaark. Forgot they need to run women’s as well… gonna be putting some heats out in garbage this year… takes a tour to make a champion and all that but wow, there’s gonna be a bit of a question mark over it if Huey keeps fucking them over at every site…
Funny looking at the heat sheets the GOATs scores stack up against quite well , infact his heat total topped your zaffa mates so boom on that one LT.
Ps the chip on your shoulder is starting to make you sound like the critique at largely over opinionated.
you think I was too harsh?
On Kelly in particular, or the whole day?
It was better to read this than to watch. Kelly is creating disinterest, even among those that used to support him. Gotta call it like it is and fan boys only look for affirmation.
Kelly as the facts show his scores were only about 1 full point of most of the heat winners in round 1 so factually he surfed in the top tier.
Found myself nodding off to an eighth beer, Miller Lite if you will. No, it wasn’t the beer or the OG Kush (organic btw) that was putting me to sleep and I had to turn off the audio early into beer 3.
How bad must the forecast be I continued to think to myself? Then ‘Tired of Winning” texted and we watched Kelly’s heat together…. excuse me, Felipe’s heat. When Kelly acted the petty, petulant fool, I mentioned it to TOW and he claimed that I was high and/or drunk.
Thank you LT for noticing the champ acting anything but like a champ. Why? It wasn’t psyching out Andy or Shane Beschen. He did this to a kid who somehow got an invite…. ? With surf so poor, why in the world Kelly? I used to love you, now I loathe your presence and all I see is your narcissism.
The words exiting the announcers mouths were corporate affirmation, not a single thought without a pre approved script written by someone who doesn’t surf. And announcers, it’s ok to have dead space during the broadcast. If false equivilancies are all you have for anecdotes (Kelly and Tiger), just shut the fuck up.
I blame their idiocy for my hangover today and two blown take offs in decent zuma.
But gentlemen, there was a lone bright spot in the broadcast. Marble mouth egotist Martin Potter finally shut up although he could not inspire JOe to do the same. The reason Pottz held his breath? Mick fucking Fanning was showing how to do his job in a stint in the booth. Not only did Pottz defer, Mick stole the show.
And I’ll have you know James Bicko, I did not pass out, fall over or throw up, but truth told, I woke to find two lone soldiers still in the fridge.
Good call!
Easter ain’t over yet . Peace be with you Mr Hippy .
I know Jordy has given up the bottle this year but has he gone vegan, too? That contest jersey was looking decidedly baggy on him.
I turned on the comp to help me fall asleep, worked great.
Honestly would Slater have paddled out in that shit for a surf if it wasn’t a contest? He could be surfing perfect reef passes that no one knows about. They should do a documentary on Kalani… She is giving up motherhood for this..
Upvote for Kenny Everett’s Video Cassette ! And Kalani’s empty Uterus ……
It’s not always empty. Hopefully it gets filled up at least for a few minutes every day or so.
Not for long I am guessing (hoping). A year of beating 16 year old kids before getting eliminated will straighten that right out. He could go out looking like a champ, great legacy, a beautiful wife and a couple groms but instead he seems bent on making everyone watch as he slowly gets ground into dust. It’s looking pathological at this point.
Kelly would be much more likeable if it wasn’t for his, ah, personality traits. He’s done some strange attention seeking shit over the last few years. As his relevance and competitiveness waned, all that weird attention seeking began proper. What better way to honor someone’s death then to photoshop your face on theirs?
Look. At. Me
Would anyone have paddled out in that shit? Maybe 16 year olds who are still frothing at everything. Which was interesting because Huxtable was frothing and did better than I was expecting.
Kelly is struggling, lots of awkward half turns and bad timing. That’s forgivable in shit surf but if the waves get good and he’s still not able to link up his turns then we are going to watch a sad spectacle play out this year. I hope it doesn’t come to that.
Why are they wearing lycra Pilates suits ?
It’s some collab between Rip Curl and some artist. I liked Mick’s reply when they asked him if he’d been given one: “Nope, and I wouldn’t wear it anyhow!”
Yeah, I saw Owen and thought “what the fuck, is he wearing ugly yoga pants out surfing like some chicks do???” Then one second later I remembered it’s cold water and it’s just a really ugly wetsuit. Then I saw countless others wearing that horrid Lululemon/RipCurl collaboration. WTF??
This contest is a shining example of why the WSL needs an army of Longtoms, gouging out narrative from burgery check turns and flaccid air revs.
Do I have to watch it?
Sounds dreadful.
Hey Bushy! You still making boards?
Christ CB
Just get a used off the rack!
I’m just curious.
Got a bunch under the house, thanks.
Just like J fritzel.
They are indeed like family and friends.
Hats off to Kelly for going on the ain’t that Swell podcast… He was pretty happy about it in the post heat interview, seemed quite grounded from the experience of getting the piss taken out of him.
He was in good form apparently.
Someone shoulda stomped on his foot and put him out of his misery.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Which episode?
Yet to be released, live pub audience in Torquay.
Ta.
The two released so far have been loose! Punctuated by bouts of sheer awkwardness.
Was Parko hammered at the Cooly one? Is there genuine tension with Fanning or was it just pissed up slavering?
I’ve just skipped through two, really trying to get a single lucid story out of them.
I applaud their enthusiasm but it really makes me appreciate the simple act by Chas-n-Dave of being able to speak coherent sentences.
https://images.app.goo.gl/M…
Exactly. That’s why I keep calling them that.
Just because you use ‘asinine’ in every second sentence doesn’t mean it’s coherent.
Joking, they’re good. But they do say asinine a lot.
Re ATS, recording a podcast sober and alone in a soundproofed room is a lot different to a live recording with 100 pissheads.
Yeah. Definitely a different vibe altogether.
I really struggled with them. Because I wanted to actually hear the answers to the questions but very little data came back through the general noise of loose jibber/jabber. I don’t just mean the ambience, I mean actual words out of their face.
Sounds fun but I think you kinda had to be there and be in the gang.
I think i now know how people who dont drink feel when they are at a party still after 10pm.
It must be fucken awful being sober amongst pissed people for long periods.
After creed’s performance in newcastle, the rest of the tour guests can get on with it knowing niw how fucked up they get, they wont be nearly as awful as creed.
Yeah, they gotta be more ruthless in cutting them off when someone is tanking.
Awful? The amount of shit he talked about Pottz was fuckin GOLD.
True. But the half an hour to explain jughead got a mutant wave at shipsterns was a bit much.
Undoubtably. But I thought the Pottz shade was well worth it.
Well it was his birthday so you’d hope he was at least half cut or cutting up. And yeah I enjoyed the digs between the World Champs, Far better than the fake high five vibes of the white socked golf playing Momentum pals.
Matt Hoy gave the whole Momentum gang a bit of a drubbin in Newcastle show.
How loose was he?
It was sometimes cringeworthy to listen to, but a few ales of truth syrup sure does wonders for q&a time.
Hoy calling out all the 80s crew on tour as fuckwits was classic, and also smoking pot before heat at Bells comp when he won.
Where is that interview? I can’t seem to find it in the heat anal.
Daily wrap from memory…
Kelly handled himself way better in that environment than the Joe Rogan podcast. He even drunk a couple beers.
Silicone Valley don’t fuk around
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
The price reduced by a quarter! How many did you buy?
4. I got one free!
$3000
I’d rather get a 2nd hand jetski.
I love the seedy threesome format
I look forward to the ladies getting seedy with each other.
I’ll be recording that shit.
The feeling of despair, sadness, emptiness and ground hog day loathing overwhelmed when viewing the one heat could bear to watch earlier..
At least, a whiff of excitement when in that heat, ‘the enforcer’ Bells bovva boy Zeke ‘the freak’ Lau seized the day, and took it out at the death..
Seems the wozzle is downright unlucky so far with Hueys offerings this year.. but..
Been said before, and by many others.. but surely is time for the wozzle schmozzle to call the fixed dates scheduling a dead duck format and consider using Dirks billions to fund maybe a monthly x 6-8 comps, ‘on standby’, moveable, flexible ‘New Horizon’ tour with the top 16 on a chartered jets/boats search and destroy missions to actually have the best surfers in the best waves, whichever, wherever top class breaks that may be.
Now that sounds marketable?.. and there are people out there bankrolled by Ziff that surely could make it work.. and sell the product to major networks, msm, online, pay TV, ESPN, FOX, pay per view.. whatever!
That’s the only hope