"I thought he was fucking nuts," says pro tour buddy Peter Townend.

Last Friday night, BeachGrit shared a bar-room fundraiser with an early cut of Chas Smith’s Lisa Andersen biopic Trouble and baseball-bat swinging, send-the-king-of-the-Hui to jail hell-raiser Ian “Kanga” Cairns, who was launching volume two of his biography.

It was a fine evening and all monies raised were sent directly to Surf Aid whose mission is to lift the wretched out of ill-health and poverty and so on.

Sixty-six-year-old Kanga was in terrific form as was his biographer, Wayne Murphy, who played escort and who would fist a $500 drink card, courtesy of sponsor The Bucket List. 

Several women with Goldilocks hair sought out the old champion’s company, lured, perhaps, by the still-squirting fountain of testosterone.

“I’m the best daddy you’ll ever have,” said a low voice that was half whisper, half growl.

Later, I wrote to Kanga and asked him to elaborate on several topics of conversation we had during the night, and which I didn’t record and remembered only vaguely.

Writer Wayne Murphy comes in here and there.

First, how many words is the two-volume set? Hundred and fifty k? Anyone still read? Why the…length? 

Kanga: Volume 1 is 160,000 words and Volume 2 is 180,000 words. It was simply as decision of mine because I liked Wayne’s writing and I thought that the stories had relevance. It goes on and on but is still very readable. I wanted to tell the whole pro-surf story A-Z without revisionist history. My story, self published, hard work by Wayne and my version of the truth of the pro-surfing story that is ably supported by the many people who have commented on issues and incidents. In the end, it’s a grand collaboration by many people.

Wayne Murphy: My answer to that question about book length is simple. Ian’s remarkable life story runs parallel to the history and growth of modern day surfing. Such a story was never going to be a typical 90,000 word sports biography, especially given all the other characters, shakers and movers who have contributed with Ian to help surfing get to where it is today. We wanted to include their voices too so as to give the book a more wholistic telling of how surfing grew from an eccentric fringe dweller pastime in the 1960s to become a multi-billion dollar industry with Olympic status today.

What stories, inside, are going to surprise? Anything new to add?

Kanga: The long-term feud with Fast Eddie over 40 years, ongoing today. The machinations of taking over the Bud Surf Tour and US Open from Fox. The ups and downs of life. There has been turmoil, victory and defeat, but in the end it’s a tale of resurrection. perseverance and reconciliation.

What relevance or, better, what perspective do you bring to surfing today? 

Kanga: Nothing is new, so the WSL Founders group has huge historical perspective that would be valuable to the WSL project but is totally under utilized. Just because we’re old, doesn’t mean the of experience has no relevance. It’s a little hard to stomach that our opinion is not sought before important strategic decisions as made by WSL but they have a huge brain trust that seems to know it all and we’re not consulted, so life moves on. We’ll see the outcome soon enough.

Ethically, I don’t believe in any one person being the owner of the sport. That’s a dilemma for me. I completely understand the business model, because it’s normal in America, but not in Australia where I come from.

Tell me your opinion, as a man who co-founded pro surfing and who ain’t one to lace it with sugar, how you feel about pro surfing in 2019, as owned by the WSL? 

Kanga: I have a huge THANK YOU to Dirk Ziff for supporting pro surfing, but, ethically, I don’t believe in any one person being the owner of the sport. That’s a dilemma for me. I completely understand the business model, because it’s normal in America, but not in Australia where I come from. Hopefully it works out fine.

We spoke the other night about Dirk Ziff’s famous “Grumpy Locals” speech when he was awarded waterman of the year. Talk to me. 

Kanga: Without WSL sharing their future vision, we all live in an information vacuum, so then everyone outside the bubble is in the dark. That breeds speculation and often criticism. Open up the communication about where the WSL is headed, involve the people of passion, then there will be less criticism, fewer snarky comments from the periphery and a better understanding of the mission. Whining about bullies bullying only encourages the bullies.

Of all your great rivalries, Shaun, PT etc, tell me your favorite and why.

Kanga: I loved surfing with Michael Peterson and Wayne Lynch. They were totally dominant in their eras and so much better than me, and it forced me to raise my game to compete. That’s the inspirational aspect of having extraordinary peers. It makes you better.

Anyone still hold a grudge against you?

Kanga: It appears that Rabbit and I were at war. I have no idea why. Fast Eddie of course after 40 years of feuding. But, my position is that I don’t have ill-feeling for anyone and in fact, I love that I have had worthy adversaries and they have made me a better person. I think it’s time we raised a glass together and celebrate the stories we’ve made. Life is too short to harbor these grudges, they impair your ability to be happy today.

Wayne: I was stoked to see Ian sharing the stage with Rabbit, Phil Jarratt and PT on our book launch in Queensland. It’s a good feeling to share laughter with them about old times and connect with others along the way, all part of life’s journey, you know, healing and wisdom that comes with age.

Who are the great heroes of surfing? Why?

Duke Kahanamoku for sharing surfing with the world. Barry Kanaiaupuni for his dominance at Sunset. Nat and Midget for creating carve, power and flow. Every surfer who dares to step out from his/her local break and see if they have what it takes on the world stage. That takes courage. Kai Lenny for daring to surf any craft and make it magical and hence sharing a new definition of surfing.

Buy the book here if you like surf history, wanna help a mountain cougar keep blazing.

Easter weekend looming, crap forecast. Had to greenlight the start in weak gurgle at Winkipop. Some highlights.

“Planet Earth is blue” said David Bowie, “and there’s nothing I can do.”

Kieren Perrow, who seems to have been shuffled sideways from Comissioner to old-fashioned connest director was forced to a similar conclusion.

Easter weekend looming, crap forecast.

Had to greenlight the start in weak gurgle at Winkipop. Nothing he could do. 

It was QS surf and in QS surf, CT level surfers looked worse than QS surfers. I would have put good money on Matt Banting winning any heat or any one of the Brazilian kids who looked amazing in onshore two-foot surf during the Aussie QS leg. It was a day for Jadson Andre to shine, and he did. Distinguishing himself with fast, flat turns that threw clean halos of large droplet sprays. 

This new round one is now the “seeding round” which I don’t quite understand. I don’t understand Joey Turpel’s insistence that it now brings “better surfing as a result, with way more pressure”.

It just don’t, Joe.

The official line that it brings us closer to man-on-man surfing seems odd, too. Twelve heats of round one, four heats of round two before we get to man-on-man round three.

That’s 16 heats. We used to get there in 12 heats.

Sure, a last place is now a heavier consequence, but seeing as only four people get it, versus 12, you could argue the pressure is less, because fewer people get to feel the sting.

Jordy looked insane, that big swallowtail getting up on the plane like a Cuban cigar boat on a night run from Havana to Miami. I think I downplayed his surfing on the Gold Coast, being distracted by the shiny things that Brazilian goofyfoots were laying on the table.

No more chipping.

But it is a hard day to write about.

Jordy looked insane, that big swallowtail getting up on the plane like a Cuban cigar boat on a night run from Havana to Miami. I think I downplayed his surfing on the Gold Coast, being distracted by the shiny things that Brazilian goofyfoots were laying on the table.

Jordy is 30 now, is that too young for a lifetime achievement title, to be totally rude? He is one the few, maybe the only one on Tour, who can physically block Gabe Medina. Hard to imagine Jordy sustaining that level of aggression for 10 months, but if he could…

Do you think there are similarities between Kelly Slater and Tiger Woods? Ronnie Blakey claimed their stories “were very similar”. I’m not so sure that is complimentary to Kelly. Also, maybe not very true.

Kelly has been a great champion, greatest ever, who has suffered a gradual decline, exacerbated by contrary board design decisions and a foot injury which defied description by somehow being healed when an event was held in the Champ’s own domain. Whether he has a great comeback victory in him, a World Title seems ludicrous to suggest at this point, is an unknown and increasingly contingent on very many ducks lining up perfectly for him. A Final Gift from the Universe. 

Tiger was a great champion who indulged sexual vices, endured public humiliation and scorn and overcame severe back injury and surgery to make his comeback. 

So, apart from being great champions, not very similar storylines, at all. 

Again, a small-to-non-existent crowd watched the champ in white in his round three heat with Filipe Toledo and a kid they dragged off the footy park yesterday as a wildcard to replace the injured Griffin Colapinto. The wildcard, a solid ranga with the very post-modern name of Xavier Huxtable, started strongly. He had the heat in a squirrel grip until Toledo started to catch waves. 

Kelly sat.

The strategy looked dismal in onshore dribblers.

“I feel like I can hang,” said Kelly in a segment. In a live Q and A in Byron Bay last week he said “whether I win or not, it’s not going to change my life”. The lack of hunger looked palpable, despite the post-last place presser on the Goldy where he claimed he needed to be hungrier. 

The sixteen-year-old  backyard footy player bombed two finishes which, in the final analysis, would have put Kelly into last place. Kelly found some corners and manufactured a score – a flat six – with deft speed work and edgy, tail focussed turns. The highlight of the heat, apart from Filipe’s surfing, came in the dying seconds. Xavier paddled into a wave, needing a score, Kelly, down the line, paddled towards the kid to throw him off and jinx his line.

It worked, and the kid fell. Kelly beats a sixteen-year-old kid.

“Got to beat someone,” he said, and dodged a bullet. 

Yellow jersey, yellow-haired leader Italo Ferriera looked shakey in heat four. There seems to be some issue with emotional regulation. With the world at his feet last year post Keramas he underwhelmed at Ulus and at Surf Ranch.

Is he flying too high now? Too close to the sun.

As noted on the Gold Coast, in his enthusiasm to launch he lost touch with traditional lines. Did he leave you behind? A common theme I heard was alienation, people couldn’t relate to it. Even Peter Mel made mention of the disconnect with traditional lines in Italo’s surfing today. 

The defending Champ squeaked through. Second to Zeke Lau and relegating a hapless Caio Ibelli who has looked lost ever since he took aim at the injustice of Slater getting the injury wildcard over him. 

Filipe bought the edge-work and air game, Gabriel brought very many variations of a disaster slide against crumbling coping, preceded by a voluptuous bottom turn which found easy speed on boards which he somehow had managed to add more width and thickness to from the Gold Coast.

Julian Wilson brought a repertoire as luxurious and diverse as a Jakartan nightclub to heat five and still came runner up to WA wildcard Jacob Willcox. Despite the continual assertion that war is peace and the new format creates a more consequential round one it’s obvious watching heats that once first and second have settled in, the pressure is off. As Julian and Willcox demonstrated. 

Filipe bought the edge-work and air game, Gabriel brought very many variations of a disaster slide against crumbling coping, preceded by a voluptuous bottom turn which found easy speed on boards which he somehow had managed to add more width and thickness to from the Gold Coast.

Gabe has changed the parameters of CT surfing. Over-powering thin boards is passé. I’d love to see Kelly add a half-inch to the width and a quarter-inch of thickness, just for the hell of it. What a thrill that would be, to see the GOAT take the twitchiness out of his surfing. 

Hard to embellish or dress up the last few heats. It was dross. Lot of dead air to plow through and the commentary did, I thought, an excellent job. Just for once though, I’d love to see one go off script. Ronnie is practically apoplectic with the pressure to hold inside what he sees and processes. 

Brother skipped away during his heat. Called by guest commentator Mason Ho as our 2019 World Champ. His eighth year on Tour. When he said that I felt the chill of death creeping up my spine.

Where does the time go?

It slips away quickly, far too quickly, both watching and being part of the greatest show on Earth. My favourite language, bar none, is Californian Therapy Speak and Kolohe nailed it textbook style when he parlayed a question from Rosie about the loss to Italo on the Gold Coast when he said he “took the blame 100%”. 

Total responsibility. What a philosophy!

Dreadful, and yet so terribly terribly attractive for the ambitious. 

A sly bet, waiter, just fell in my soup. 

Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Men’s Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Jadson Andre (BRA) 12.23 DEF. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 9.97, Owen Wright (AUS) 8.20
Heat 2: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 10.26 DEF. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 8.07, Jack Freestone (AUS) 7.84
Heat 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 15.87 DEF. Kelly Slater (USA) 10.63, Xavier Huxtable (AUS) 10.23
Heat 4: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 10.57 DEF. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 10.06, Caio Ibelli (BRA) 9.73
Heat 5: Jacob Willcox (AUS) 13.74 DEF. Julian Wilson (AUS) 13.73, Joan Duru (FRA) 11.00
Heat 6: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.70 DEF. Ryan Callinan (AUS) 13.00, Harrison Mann (AUS) 7.87
Heat 7: Conner Coffin (USA) 10.77 DEF. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 10.60, Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 9.56
Heat 8: Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.77 DEF. Seth Moniz (HAW) 8.67, Soli Bailey (AUS) 8.37
Heat 9: Ricardo Christie (NZL) 11.83 DEF. Yago Dora (BRA) 10.10, Wade Carmichael (AUS) 8.04

Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Remaining Men’s Round 1 Matchups:
Heat 10: Michel Bourez (FRA) vs. Reef Heazlewood (AUS) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)
Heat 11: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA) vs. Jesse Mendes (BRA)
Heat 12: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Mikey Wright (AUS) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)