"Go Jordy? Maybe? I don't care."
As I mentioned before in a previous article, I live a domestically routine Orange County existence.
Every day, I make exactly two french presses and check my personal and work emails. Today, I nearly spit that coastal elitist pressed bean water right out of my mouth when I opened an email from the WSL that read “Is Kelly Slater Back?”
I initially laughed but then I read it because I am a surf lemming. The short snippet highlights that, even despite Kelly’s last-place finish at the Gold Coast, he has had a “hot hand” moving through events and into Quarters at both Bells and Bali. Mathematically, sure, yeah, I guess, hypothetically Kelly could win a world title.
I have a laundry list of problems with Slater that make me not like him on just a personal level, but he fucking rips is undoubtedly the most qualified and pedigreed athlete to win a twelveth title. He wants a dozen. We all know it. But can he do it? I say no. Americans put the most qualified and pedigreed candidates up in 2016, but here we have President Trump. Stranger stuff has happened. Plus, now that Kelly stumbled, the Brazilian Storm and in-form youngbloods have seen the champ fall and now know he’s beatable. His peers are gone. He’s not an enigma. He’s just an older weird double jointed bald guy with a freak talent, but he is no longer “unbeatable”. Also, I frankly don’t think any of the new blood on tour are as intimidated by the “Slater Head Game” as the people he came up with, nor do I think he is playing the same games.
I loved the email and appreciate the WSL trying to jockey their viewership by promoting Kelly as on a tear. I will always applaud unabashed and unapologetic speculation in the name of capitalism because that’s showbiz, baby! In doing so, however, is the WSL setting Kelly up for some Hillary Clinton style, Kafkaesque tragedy of errors? A tragedy where his own sense of entitlement to Title numero doce and the unrelenting cheers of “you got this in the bag!” from Slater fans that have “twelve-time world champ” boners cloud Kelly from seeing how bad this all could go for him? A tragedy where the man of fragile ego who has, for decades, had to bear the burden of an existence plagued by frankly unfair facial symmetry, unmatched athleticism, wealth, freedom, waves, and supermodel women will be blind to his own fall from grace?
I hope so.
Change is good. News is boring and so are people who are viewed as entitled to stuff and victories. I don’t really even like Donald Trump but if he wasn’t elected I would have never read the headline “Senate Hopeful Kid Rock Slams Eminem For Anti-President Trump Dis-Track” which is far better than any singular headline I would have read if Hillary took office (unless Billy diddled another intern, because then I would like to see the New York Post’s headline that day but I digress). Kelly, I hope you lose, and I don’t really care who wins because honestly, it will make a better story than watching the same fucking dude win the same fucking trophy for the twelveth fucking time.
Go Jordy? Maybe? I don’t care. Just not Kelly.
And WSL, give me a darkhorse story and put this one out to pasture and turn it into glue. I can get behind a darkhorse, but I am having a lot of trouble staying behind baldy Seabiscuit.