Halusinabido: The belief that your non-surfing spouse/partner will one day understand.

Have you ever felt the strange wistfulness of being in a used bookshop? Have you ever been sent into a fit of exhaustion inspired by acts of selfless violence? Have you ever had the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time?

There are words for these feelings. Respectively, they are vellichor, kuebiko and onism.

Below is the 2019 updated list of surf-related terms one may feel but can’t explain.

Kepsafolinus: The logical realization that you were, in fact, condemning yourself when you compulsively verbally abused the blameless ocean after not getting into that wave.

Chrüdwing: A confluence of elation and terror in knowing that you’re paddling out but will most likely injure yourself gravely before making it back to shore.

Ob: The erroneous belief that sharks don’t swim in water this shallow.

Jaterska: A state that allows one to maintain the belief that they’re a kind-hearted human while feeling rage at fellow surfers in the water. Jasterska Postus: A subsequent state of existential confusion upon hearing one’s toddler ask if they “had fun playing in the aqua” upon returning to the beach.

Fusstalitosis: An irrational, momentary belief among atheists that — after being caught inside for an extended period of time — they were wrong about religion, have entered purgatory and will spend the rest of time unsuccessfully trying to make it back outside.

Aquanolanosis: A sleep-dream state whereby laws of physics bend to your subconscious will as waves break in all six directions of the hexagonal paradigm.

Rudital: A low-grade, pseudo-somatic anxiety that one will never see loved ones again brought on by floating in the ocean for over four hours. Ruditalspexal – A derivative whereby the anxiety degenerates to the unwavering fear that everyone on land has perished in torturous agony as a result of a nerve bomb.

Vit: The belief that the universe has fated this set wave to you alone.

Mauex: The sudden realization that the verbal thrashing you’ve been unloading on fellow surfer for the past two minutes has, in fact, all been in your mind.

Olafaction: Acute sexual arousal sprung from ingesting the shampoo odor of a female passerby in the water. Olafaction Postus: Subsequent paranoia that the odor may have been from that hippie guy.

Oglielous: The recognition that the person in the neon-colored wetsuit you pegged a kook surfs better than you do.

Fintrial: An occurrence whereby someone on the the beach overhears you hoot during a solo session.

Womboozium: The amniotic tranquility derived from losing all sense of time while floating in salt water believed to be nostalgia for the womb.

Ringkong: A state of paranoia that everyone wishes you would just paddle the fuck in.

Halusinabido: The belief that your non-surfing spouse/partner will one day understand.

Trouble starts with "T" and that rhymes with "P" which stands for "pool."

So last I heard, and forgive me because I can’t recall the exact numbers, the World Surf League was claiming that Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch had sold out all its available days for… $10,000? $100,000? I can’t remember exactly but sold out, right? Then the World Surf League was offering steep discounts but very quietly. Slashing the price by more than half for those same days but very very quietly as not to alert anyone.

Not exactly confidence inspiring.

The business model is still not clear for Surf Ranch or any of the new artificial waves for that matter. Is this current boom (new Surf Lakes just announced in England etc.) going to lead to a massive bust when good inland folk aren’t willing to part with real money in order to surf? Or will there be a boom of epic proportions as good inland folk peel off bill after bill in order to “taste the tube?”

Impossible to know but a new, unforeseen competitor might create havoc in the marketplace and let’s learn all about them right now. Let’s not delay.

With new river parks, big flows and a swelling roster of whitewater surfers itching to carve after last summer’s meager trickles, the river surfing wave is about to flood Colorado.

“The biggest river surfing season ever is on tap,” says Mike Harvey, the river park engineer and co-founder of Salida’s Badfish SUP. His son, Miles, is one of Colorado’s top-ranked river surfers. “Interest in river surfing right now is ridiculous. Last year people struggled to find a place to surf and this year the state is going to go Richter. There are going to be people all over the place trying to surf.”

And they will have plenty of choices. There are at least 10 whitewater parks and roadside river waves in Colorado with features that accommodate stand-up paddling and surfing. The rare Big Sur — a river-wide wave atop an old dam in DeBeque Canyon that emerges when Colorado River flows edge past 20,000 cubic-feet-per-second — is likely to break for the second or third time in the last decade, drawing hordes of wave riders from across the West. There’s even a Colorado River Surfing Association, fostering a community of wave riders across the state.

“It kind of feels like this is all happening overnight,” says Brittany Parker, one of the country’s top SUP paddlers who lives in her van and, yes, it’s often parked down by the river.

Etc.

Now, do you think the wave tank barons will band together and dump toxic chemicals into Colorado’s rivers in order to neutralize the threat or will they be of a “rising tide floats all surfboards” mind?

Also, while I have you, are you a Keynesian economist or an Austrian economist?

San Diego justice!

You’ve certainly followed the story of the paddle swinging SUP pilot Paul Taylor Konen and the surfer Keven Eslinger who confronted him after a breach of “surf etiquette” and don’t need a refresher but in case you do…

Paul Taylor Konen has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly striking Kevin Eslinger in the head with a paddle, as the men were out in the water at Sunset Cliffs on June 26, 2018.

Eslinger, 56, sustained a gash to the back of his head that Deputy District Attorney Matthew Greco said fractured his skull and caused brain damage, rendering him unable to speak at all until days after the injury. Greco alleged that an emergency room physician said the injury looked “like a hammer blow.”

Well, last month a jury found Paul Taylor Konen guilty as charged and yesterday a judge sentenced him to five long years behind bars and let’s pick right up from there.

“Today is a good day for the surf community,” said Deputy District Attorney Matthew Greco, according to the station. “When people are out in the water, they are safe. The rules on land apply to the ocean.”

Eslinger, a surfing and swim coach, told the judge he still has trouble speaking as a result of his injuries, leading people to believe he’s drunk or “damaged,” the Union-Tribune reported.

“Two lives are irrevocably changed,” Eslinger said, KNSD reported. “But I feel justice was done.”

Konen’s attorney, Brian McCarthy, had earlier argued in court that his client was only trying to get away from Eslinger, who pursued him on his surfboard, the Times of San Diego reported.

“The question is did my client intentionally assault Mr. Eslinger or was there a situation where Mr. Eslinger got in front of my client’s path and got hurt?” McCarthy said, according to the publication.

But Judge Robert Trentacosta said Thursday he did not find Konen’s testimony that he feared for his life credible, the Union-Tribune reported. He also rejected a plea by McCarthy to sentence Konen to probation.

Five years is a long time to think about being a SUP pilot, sitting there behind bars. I wonder if there are SUP supremacist gangs in prison like there are white supremacist, black supremacist, hispanic supremacist, etc. ones?

I suppose I’m a shortboard supremacist.

Are you?

Should we get matching tattoos?

"Meanwhile, I’m just over here throwing words around and waiting for the wind to stop."

You were thinking I forgot about you, that I wasn’t going to write anything about the women’s round of 16 that took place at Keramas yesterday. I did not forget about you! I would never do that. I am running around like a fool, throwing words all over the place. Out of necessity, I will keep this update short and sweet. Snackable. I do like snacks.

The big story from yesterday’s heats at Keramas came during heat 3. Silvana Lima’s been out of competition since J-Bay with a knee injury and did she ever come back with a slam. Lima beat out Caroline Marks and opened the way for a potential lead change in the world rankings.

I had forgotten how much I love watching Lima surf. She’s so fast and exuberantly unpredictable. Her opening wave featured a cheekly little barrel. Lima highlighted the one weakness that Marks has shown. While Marks had her characteristic strong, vertical turns, there wasn’t as much variety as Lima threw down.

In other notable early exits, Malia Manuel, who came out of Bells as the world number two, lost out to Courtney Conlogue. I’m not sure I quite get the new seeding. How did the two finalists from Bells, ranked number 2 and number 3, already meet in the round of 16? Got me. If she makes the finals, Conlogue could overtake Marks as world number one.

Last year’s winner at Keramas, Lakey Peterson also went out in yesterday’s round 3. There weren’t a ton of waves on offer Peterson’s heat and Bronte Maccaulay took an early lead. Peterson’s highest score was a 3.5. It just really wasn’t her day. In typical do or die style, she surfed eleven waves in an effort to find a score. I understand the desperation, but I wonder if a little more chill might have served her better.

Both Stephanie Gilmore and Carissa Moore made it through to the quarters. Gilmore in small waves is always a marvel to me. She is so long-legged and yet somehow she manages to fold herself down to fit into the tiniest corners. She threw a nice fins-free turn in her opening wave, which, more like this, please, Steph. She said in a recent interview with the crew at Stab that she felt she often didn’t push herself enough to be progressive. Sometimes, she gets too caught up on being graceful, she said. Dear Steph, you can be both. Really.

It was a little sleepy all around out there in Keramas yesterday, with good waves a bit few and far between. I love a skateramp style reef break, but long lulls are a drag to surf and to watch. So here’s hoping there’s more waves for the quarterfinals. The Gilmore-Conlogue matchup should be seriously good times and I’m looking forward to watching what Lima comes up with against Fitzgibbons. Moore meets Hennessey and Maccaulay surfs against Van Dijk.

Meanwhile, I’m just over here throwing words around and waiting for the wind to stop. Please let me go surfing, wind! I have been extra good this week. I totally deserve to go surfing.