Where surf hats are encouraged and the only bad questions are those that go unasked!
When Kelly Slater revealed his Surf Ranch for the very first time, trampling the title celebration of a young, hard-working Brazilian boy who had dragged hisself from a poverty-stricken favela to the top of the world we all gasped. It was… beautiful and took us all a while to get over seeing a barrel in Lemoore, California but as soon as we did get over it, we began wondering.
“What’s the end game here?”
It was imagined that many Surf Ranches would be built across the globe. Zero have been.
It was imagined that Surf Ranches would be center pieces in bold new mixed-use housing/retail developments from Vladivostok to Virginia Beach. They aren’t.
It was imagined that a user friendly version would roll out that allowed more than four people maximum to surf at a time. No.
We all know how much the damned thing costs to run per day, how many gallons of water and gallons of diesel etc. How expensive it is and we scratch our heads, these two years on, and wonder.
“What’s the end game here?”
Well, in an email sent straight from the World Surf League’s Santa Monica High Castle to a dear friend we finally have answers.
Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch will turn into a VAL paradise where surf hats are encouraged and the only bad questions are those that go unasked. Would you like to learn more?
Let me take your hand!
Throughout 2019, we will be introducing a new set of pilot experiences at Surf Ranch for individuals and smaller groups. Kicking things off this month, we’re launching Progression Sessions, a training program aimed at those looking to boost their surf skills.
As a past Surf Ranch guest, you, as well as your friends and family, have the first crack to take advantage of the limited number of sessions.
These personalized training experiences aim to advance your surfing skillset during the day and reward you at night with healthy food & beverage experiences, music, and a relaxing onsite stay.
Experience highlights include: 3, 1-hour Surf Sessions In water coaching and guidance Video capture of all waves Personalized video review with our coaching staff Equipment education and use of full Firewire demo quiver Access to wakesurfing sessions throughout the day on our adjacent 20-acre recreational lake And much more, see the attached brochure for all the highlights
You can click on the brochure here but, real talk, let’s get to costs. For one day in the tank with eighteen likeminded VALs divvying up three one hour sessions it’ll run $3500 per person plus if you want to bring a friend that’ll cost $500, also capped at eighteen. So… 36 surfers?
Like, twelve surfers in the water at a time?
If you would like to stay, on site, in an Airstream that’ll run $550 – $650 more.
And there we have the future.
So, are you pleased? Is it going to be wildly successful? Are you thinking about booking a session right now?
Hurry fast! Limited supply!
Horrifying: Family attacked by vicious sea lice while frolicking in the surf!
Have we have gotten too myopic, focusing only on sharks and brain-eating amoebas to the detriment of bluebottles, tangly seaweed and sea lice?
We all know there are a lot of very bad things that can happen whilst surfing, sharks, brain-eating amoebas, etc. and we do our best, here, to warn you about them but I fear we have gotten too myopic, focusing only on sharks and brain-eating amoebas to the detriment of sea-needles, bluebottles, tangly seaweed and sea lice.
This morning, as I was enjoying a hot mug of green tea, I stumbled upon a story in the Virginia-Pilot that terrified me and, I think, will terrify you. Would you like a peek?
When Heather Browning and her family set out for Dam Neck beach Wednesday, they hoped to swim, eat some hoagies from Wawa and relax.
The Hampton native lives in Fredericksburg but has a condo in Virginia Beach, so she and her family come to Hampton Roads about once a month. Wednesday was their last beach day, said Browning, 40.
By 4 p.m., they’d been in the water for about 30 minutes, Browning said. All was swell until she and her brother noticed something odd.
“We were just messing around in the surf,” she said. “I looked at the water and noticed this patch of what looked like a cloud of sand. It wasn’t moving right.”
Browning said that when waves break near the shore, they kick up sand. The clumps she saw were behind the waves, floating in the water on their own, she said.
Turns out, it was sea lice — tiny, semi-transparent creatures with blue or brown spots.
When she recognized them, she yelled for her 15-year-old brother to get out.
“He was already running out of the water and stripping off his swim shirt,” she said.
The patches, she said, were stinging like “absolute fire,” so she ran to the sand and pulled off her bathing suit.
It goes on for a few thousand more words, discussing what locals told Heather Browning to do in order to salve the wounds and also revealed that sea lice are actually baby crabs and the burning sensation is them pinching the skin with their miniature claws.
That last bit sounds totally unbelievable but the Virginia-Pilot is not known for trafficking in fake news so we must trust the veracity.
Anyhow, I hope you keep sea lice in the back of your mind when you paddle out for your next surf.
Also, do you have a story to share that’s as terrifying as Heather Browning’s?
Lastly, Derek Rielly and I keep regular track of BeachGrit‘s high-water mark.
Joe Turpel called Kelly's heat “vintage Kelly” and it was. This will sound even queerer than calling Kanoa the best surfer in the world but I'd suspected J-Bay was becoming a weakness for Kelly, with his penchant for chattery, skittery equipment and tendency to fall apart in heats. WSL
J-Bay Day 3: “Kelly Slater rediscovers old strengths; Kanoa Igarashi hits world-title form!”
Also, shocking the masses, Kanoa Igarashi gives honest post-heat presser!
Three am or close enough PST, California sleeps, forty-seven-year-old Kelly Slater showboats into a frothy milkshake tube at something like pumping J-Bay on his Final Year on Tour and on his way to a clear win over Caio Ibelli.
An inside source at the former ASP told me J-Bay has one of the smallest online audiences because North America with its millions upon millions of fans sleeps. So J-Bay was cut from the schedule in 2010 as the tour teeter-tottered on the edge of the surf industry apocalypse, then reintroduced by a Paul Speaker in 2014 desperate to throw red meat to the base and stabilise the roster.
Paul went, Sophie came in; we kept J-Bay and lost Cloudbreak thus eviscerating the Grand Slam leg of the Tour which has always been the touchstone of world champions from Kelly Slater to Andy Irons to Gabe Medina.
It seems the Global South + Europe can sustain the event without the patronage of the imperial north and here we are: 16 over-lapping 45 minute heats in pumping surf at one of the world’s best waves.
Lumpy early with a wind that veered around to the devil direction. That seemed no big problem for the big dog Jordy Smith. He hacked and floated – three times- with an undeserved claim for a well over-egged 8.5 that seemed to both fuck with the scale and frustrate natural foot efforts to come to grips with the lineup. Jordy’s anti-aerial rant in the booth looked like a cute game of rope-a-dope in retrospect after he threw down a toy alley-oop into the breeze.
His easy win over Soli Bailey also set the tone of a day of mismatches. There were many. Early heats could blame devil winds and creases to make turns hard to stick and rails fluttery through carves but even when the surface greased out there was a lot of underwhelming surfing.
Gabe Medina, ranked nine, tightened the noose on Griffin Colapinto, ranked 27, outside the cut, with vertical blasts and fin drifts on the close-outs. A very successful formula.
But where was the natural foots advantage in repertoire, the Fanning power torque wrap? By the twenty-minute mark of the heat, as their priority started Medina had already kicked open the trapdoor and left Colapinto dangling in the wind.
He looks half the surfer this year.
With 45 minutes there was no lack of opportunity. Andino and De Souza rode eight waves each. Flores rode twelve. Andino scratched up two sixes. Both Flores and De Souza failed to find chemistry or rhythm – lots of flubbed turns, falling off, bad body language, obscene gesticulating etc etc.
It was great sport if very ordinary surfing.
Could Pip light it up? Pip could not light it up. Well, he kind of did.
Skipped out of the gates like a two-year-old at a barrier trial for a mid-seven and everyone held their breath. Then he fell asleep like a Persian cat sitting in the winter sun.
Mikey Feb was never going to win, I think we can admit that. Even Barton admitted he don’t quite have a CT level skill set.
But it gave Pip fans nervous moments before he slammed the door in Mikey’s face with a seven. Pip at fifty percent? About that.
It took eleven heats before a score was able to broach the high moat set by Jordy Smith. And two consecutive heats where natural footers finally opened up repertoire, turn angle, turn speed and control of the arc.
Seabass nailed a perfect one for a nine and got the Fanning power-whip on full power. Bourez in the next heat took a more vertical approach with massive vertical punches which he finished with a full whip. He floated and spiked a wave that quivered like half set gelatine.
It was incredible judges squashed the spread between him and Ricardo Christie to the extent Christie was still in the heat with five to play. Bourez smashed him.
Who was going to grab the day by the scruff of the neck?
Who was going to set the pace down in deepest, darkest Africa?
Not Kimba the white lion but Kanoa Igarashi the Japanese American. I hate to crib comments off the Grit live comment feed but sometime during the heat Superworm came on and called Iggy the best surfer in the World. And after seeing the Top 32 all surfing perfect J-Bay that call, ridiculous on the face of it, suddenly seemed very, very tight and right.
More Toledo than Toledo.
He had the speed, the flamboyance to loose the fins or carve the arc and a faux-aggro mojo so ostentatious that in spite of its tendency to alienate we are now learning to love. He freely admits this mojo is not his but a product of his coach Jake Patterson and after donning this cape so many times it’s starting to fit. Iggy in the yellow jersey.
Iggy winning Pipeline.
Iggy taking the World Title.
All these things could happen.
Joe Turpel called Kelly’s heat “vintage Kelly” and it was. This will sound even queerer than calling Kanoa the best surfer in the world but I’d suspected J-Bay was becoming a weakness for Kelly, with his penchant for chattery, skittery equipment and tendency to fall apart in heats.
It’s not strictly true that he’s turned a weakness into a strength. More, if you indulge my argument, that he has rediscovered an old strength and renewed it. Like a couple who, after twenty years of bickering, redo their wedding vows and find a new spice to the old ways (not me and my gal).
Kelly took some licks and gave Caio too many chances but by surfing the way he did he had upped the ante and prevented any chance of Ibelli finding a comfort zone. In the pressure thus applied Ibelli cracked.
Two magical things happened concurrently during the Kelly heat.
Kanoa gave a candid presser calling out the disingenuous calls of his fellow surfers who claim not to care or know about the numbers. He said he knows the numbers and it makes it easier. How could this manufactured pro surfer, I mean like from birth, or even before birth, become our lord and redeemer from the bland post-heat presser?
The second thing.
If this was manufactured – stroke of genius – they got De Souza in the booth to commentate Kelly’s heat. It was delicious to see Adriano soaking up the attention talking about his World Title while Kelly battled it out.
That too was delightfully candid. A little bit of cosmic rebalancing.
Kelly Slater vs. Caio Ibelli – Round of 32, Heat 15 – Corona Open J-Bay 2019. Source: World Surf League
Italo played it by the Gabe Medina template. Big backside hooks, no bobble, no breaks in the turns. Fin drifts on the close-out section. A very easy win for him over Jack Freestone. Très entertainment.
Even if North America slept through it, the people of the Global South kept it down.
Italo Ferreira vs. Jack Freestone – Round of 32, Heat 16 – Corona Open J-Bay 2019. Source: World Surf League
J-Bay Men’s Round of 32 Results: Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.67 DEF. Soli Bailey (AUS) 10.74 Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) 11.40 DEF. Joan Duru (FRA) 11.27 Heat 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 15.00 DEF. Griffin Colapinto (USA) 10.00 Heat 4: Ryan Callinan (AUS) 13.10 DEF. Yago Dora (BRA) 11.33 Heat 5: Kolohe Andino (USA) 12.33 DEF. Adriano de Souza (BRA) 9.80 Heat 6: Deivid Silva (BRA) 13.43 DEF. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 11.70 Heat 7: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 11.60 DEF. Julian Wilson (AUS) 10.56 Heat 8: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 14.74 DEF. Conner Coffin (USA) 10.86 Heat 9: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.77 DEF. Michael February (ZAF) 10.40 Heat 10: Willian Cardoso (BRA) 14.03 DEF. Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 12.10 Heat 11: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.94 DEF. Wade Carmichael (AUS) 11.50 Heat 12: Michel Bourez (FRA) 13.60 DEF. Ricardo Christie (NZL) 12.83 Heat 13: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 17.53 DEF. Frederico Morais (PRT) 13.50 Heat 14: Peterson Crisanto (BRA) 13.50 DEF. Seth Moniz (HAW) 11.66 Heat 15: Kelly Slater (USA) 13.57 DEF. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 11.90 Heat 16: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.16 DEF. Jack Freestone (AUS) 9.70
J-Bay Men’s Round of 16 Matchups: Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Owen Wright (AUS) Heat 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS) Heat 3: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA) Heat 4: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS) Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA) Heat 6: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Michel Bourez (FRA) Heat 7: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA) Heat 8: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)
And how many stories of abject greed have we shared since humble little BeachGrit launched all those years ago? Ten? Twenty? More than twenty? Stories of grouchy usually elderly and their cock-blocking driveways or Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his evil gated properties.
It is with much wonder and joy in my heart, then, that I present today’s piece starring a benevolent man in Hawaii who forwent construction of a condominium on Hawaii’s Big Island in order to protect the famous spot Banyans and let’s read about him in Honolulu’s Star-Advertiser as soon as we wipe the tears from our disbelieving eyes.
West Hawaii Today reported today that the landowner has agreed to work toward building a public space rather than the proposed five-story residence near the Banyans.
The Banyans is a popular surfing spot on the north side of Holualoa Bay.
Property owner Kilohana Makai LLC met in a second mediation session Monday with people involved in a case challenging plans for the condominium.
A spokesman says Kilohana Makai will work over the next year to 15 months to convert the 14,450-square-foot (1,342-square-meter) lot on the Big Island into a community space.
Officials say Hawaii County could buy the property via a commission that maintains a list of properties considered “worthy of preservation.”
Can you believe? In the middle of the Me First Generation?
Wait, what generations are alive right now? We have a few of the Greatest Generation Ever, too many Baby Boomers, Generation X, Generation Y, Millennials and… what else?
Which is your favorite?
Also, you’ve seen the above meme one thousand times, right? Did you know who it is? I just found out and it SHOCKED me even more than the idea of a benevolent property developer.
What a mad, mad, mad, mad world!
Open thread, comment live: Round of 32 at Corona J-Bay Open!
Yeah, sorry about Disqus being yanked down around our ankles three nights ago.
One of the networks serving those stupid ads that at least a hundred thousand of you devils are clicking on every month (Married teacher screams as she’s jailed for affair with student, aged 12 etc) , decided to introduce infinite scrolling into its code without a call, a mail, whatever.
It ain’t going to happen today, tonight, in whatever time zone you occupy. Bulletproof-ish.
Today, the newly anointed round of 32, formerly round three and the first time we see a bulk of surfers ejected from the event.
Can you believe there’s been sixteen heats, for a total of eight hours of surfing, and only four competitors have been sent home?
Now we get real.
Sixteen heats for sixteen losers.
I’ve got a cheap wine poured over ice. And plenty to refill.
Men’s Round of 32 Matchups: Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Soli Bailey (AUS) Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Joan Duru (FRA) Heat 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Griffin Colapinto (USA) Heat 4: Ryan Callinan (AUS) vs. Yago Dora (BRA) Heat 5: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Adriano de Souza (BRA) Heat 6: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA) Heat 7: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Ezekiel Lau (HAW) Heat 8: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS) Heat 9: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Michael February (ZAF) Heat 10: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA) Heat 11: Wade Carmichael (AUS) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) Heat 12: Michel Bourez (FRA) vs. Ricardo Christie (NZL) Heat 13: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Frederico Morais (PRT) Heat 14: Seth Moniz (HAW) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA) Heat 15: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Caio Ibelli (BRA) Heat 16: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)