Shove the mic in Gabby’s face as he storms the tower.
Film the conversation with the judges. And just when Caio and Gabby
go to hug it out, have Strider make a chicken noise from behind a
potplant. | Photo: WSL
Message to the WSL: Learn to love Blood
Feuds, Wipeout Reels, Weeping!
By surf ads
Media minders and Sound Waves. Gun-shy competitors.
Right now, it’s about as interesting as the director’s commentary
on a Coldplay DVD.
Whose fault was the damned thing? The judges, probably.
Was it manufactured? I highly doubt it. But with a vacuum of
information from the top, the surfing world is left to
hypothesise.
Just like Medina’s army is doing. A bonfire of Latin passion
fuelling anger, fury, and controversy.
We might lose some lines in translation but their intent is
clear as day. Paixão!
I love it! The drama. The intrigue. All of it!
And to the WSL I say, this is your business model right here.
You should learn to love it, too. Because as well as passion and
controversy, this shit generates clicks. Reach. Engagement. The
buzzwords your high tower’s foundations are built on.
It doesn’t need to be nasty. But it can still be human. And
along with gaping barrels and bloody gashes, it’ll get you on the
six pm news.
Forget the faux intellectual hubris of BeachGrit. It’s all
tilting at windmills. Like most surf fans, we’re one dimensional.
Nothing more than a global network of tapped out Spicolis.
“All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I’m
fine.”
Give me two guys surfing in a tub and I’ll sit at the other end
with snorkel and a pair of flippers all day long. Run the shit on
AM radio and I’ll stand on the roof with my transistor and an old
coat hanger to get the call.
We just fucken love surfing and everything that goes with
it.
But you’re strangling the sport.
Media minders and Sound Waves.
Gun-shy competitors. It’s about as interesting as the director’s
commentary on a Coldplay DVD. And just when it looks like Chris
Martin is going to start giving us the scoop on Gwenyth, you switch
back to the acoustic set in Westminster Abbey.
You’re media professionals. Think of the soundbites and
headlines you’re missing.
Shove the mic in Gabby’s face as he storms the tower. Film the
conversation with the judges. And just when Caio and Gabby go to
hug it out, have Strider make a chicken noise from behind a
potplant.
Let it all out.
Become the mainstream sports whoopie cushion. Welcome outrage.
Show emotion. Allow everything to go off script once in a while.
Embrace the chaos.
Because surfing’s the most beautifully chaotic thing there is.
It’s a cosmic joke. We laugh in its face every day.
But it’s also our salvation. We’d do anything for it. We’re not
just brand advocates. We’re zealots. We dedicate our lives to this.
We love the athletes, absolutely and with the fire of a thousand
Latin sons. And we’re ready to fight for the cause.
You’ve just gotta get in on the joke. Milk it for what it’s
worth. You don’t need to be exploitative or manipulative. Just let
the surfers breathe. Show their real face.
The whole world will lap it up.
Do that right and I’d probably even pay you to watch.
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Mr Jadson Andre, patron saint of underdogs everywhere.
| Photo: WSL
Brazilian blood-feud: Jadson Andre tells
Medina fans, “I’m ashamed of what you’re doing to Caio!”
By Derek Rielly
Patron saint of underdogs everywhere says, "Guys,
really, what you are doing with Caio is very bad…"
Hell hath no fury like a world champion whose plans for
an early end to the world title race were splattered against the
wall of the judging tower two nights ago.
A quick recap from Longtom’s contest analysis.
With eight minutes remaining in a heat with Caio Ibelli in a
heat where he’d spent the previous twenty-seven minutes ruthlessly
rag-dolling his compatriot in weak two-foot closeouts.
Unbelievably, he contested a dribbly little righthander,
bumping shoulders with Ibelli, who gesticulated wildly in protest.
WSL screen live on the broadcast showed Ibelli priority. Medina
pointed to the beach, as if to suggest he had P.
Live screen immediately priority switched to Medina,
suggesting a mistake. Within a minute a decision was reached and
Medina had a priority interference awarded against him, meaning the
loss of his second scoring wave.
As a sign of Medina’s dominance the penalty was not
immediately fatal, with his single wave score of an 8.17 still
besting Ibelli’s top two rides combined.
And, now, Jadson Andre, the patron saint of underdogs
everywhere, has made a personal plea for the feud to end.
“Guys, really, what you are doing with Caio is very bad,” said
Andre in a gorgeous piece to camera. “I love Medina but Caio is not
at all to blame! And he, like Medina, is chasing after his dream!
Both totally different. One wants to be world champion and the
other is trying to stay on the circuit where he is left out, to
change his life changes from water to wine. (Medina fans), I’m
really ashamed of what you are doing with Caio.”
Absolute Terror: Possible 40-foot Great
White shark lurking off the United States’ Eastern Seaboard!
By Chas Smith
“Anything that can grab an animal like that by the
head is pretty impressive.”
There is a terror worse than anything you
could possible imagine out there. A horror only Jason Statham can
fully comprehend and you thought I was engaged in some sort of
click bait
scam wherein stories about “man-eating” Great White
sharks were driving visits to the Biggest Little
Surf Website in the World™ at a record clip and there
Derek and I sat, like Boss Hogg and Cletus, on
a pile of popup advertisement dollars smoking Cuban cigars (Derek)
and scheming even greater schemes.
You thought I was “net savvy.”
For shame.
You know me better than that. You know I piss away
potential Vans dollars at the mere smell of
anti-anti-radicalism. You know that am borderline* retarded but
only care about you. About you and the truth.
And for these reasons I only write about our aquatic nemeses to
A) keep people not surfing and B) inform the not-surfing public of
our bravery every time we paddle out so that they may gift us with
leis etc. when be reach shore all handsome and/or beautiful.
Well, guess what?
If you happen to live on the United States of America’s Eastern
Seaboard posit what you may be facing the next time you paddle
out?
That’s right. A possible 40-foot Great White shark but don’t
take my word for it. This is the moment we must, absolutely must,
turn to Fox
News for more. It is time for a “fair and balanced”
take.
A new photo showing a disfigured great white shark that was
recently captured off the U.S. coast (above) has experts guessing
that the nearly 13-foot, 1,200-pound apex predator was attacked by
an even bigger shark.
Artist rendering.
The shark, named Vimy, was caught and tagged in the North
Atlantic Ocean on Oct. 4, said OCEARCH, an
international great white shark research organization. Scientists
tagged a total of 11 sharks for satellite tracking while on an
expedition to Nova Scotia to study their habits, the group said in
a news release.
The group on Monday posted a photo on Facebook showing the
shark with a “fresh” bloody gash on its head and a scar below its
jaw, writing: “White sharks live in a tough world. Need proof?
Check out white shark Vimy’s head.”
OCEARCH Founding Chairman Chris Fischer told McClatchy news
group that based on the bite marks and jaw size, the attacker could
be at least two feet longer than Vimy.
“It was a very large animal that grabbed it, something
significantly bigger than 12 feet,” he said. “Anything that can
grab an animal like that by the head is pretty
impressive.”
So 40-feet may be underselling and what is to blame for this
apex-apex predator’s massive size? Who is to blame?
Global warming?
Jason Statham?
More as the story develops.
*Completely
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Come tour the “sustainable good vibes” and
“minimal palette making big grins” inside Kelly Slater’s Surf
Ranch!
By Chas Smith
And single-use plastics? You won’t find any
here.
Have you not been to Lemoore, California’s
jewel yet? Planted there in the shadow of an Indian casino, elderly
emphysemaniacs plugging quarter after quarter into colorful
gambling machines, the stink of industrial farming heavy on the
valley air, Fresno one way, Visalia the other and the nearest beach
some 100 miles over the hills?
It’s a presumptuous question to ask and rude, when I think of
it. The only people who have been to Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch are
those who have been invited by Kelly/Santa Monica and/or and those
who decided to pay a princely sum in order to stand along the
cement rail and hoot Ace Buchan and he whistles down the line.
That is only a very small number and even though Kelly Slater’s
Surf Ranch is made where people live it is not for The People™. No
not at all.
Thankfully we have the SF Gate and while San Francisco is also
not for The People™, or maybe because it’s not, the publication was
invited for a design tour of life behind the wooden fence.
Shall we?
It was vital to Slater and the WSL that the Ranch embrace a
sustainable ethos that extended from construction to day-to-day
operations, including clean and renewable energy, waste management,
water conservation, and carbon offsetting, says Denman. For
example, it was built with sustainable materials, including the
crushed-shell roadways and paving stones made from upcycled foam
dust—a waste product of surfboard manufacturing—in partnership with
Firewire Surfboards. And single-use plastics? You won’t find any
here.
And you must
carry on without me. Each slide and corresponding
description is an absolute joy but before I go how much do you love
the fact that a giant pool with a giant machine 100 miles away from
where waves are plentiful and free is sustainable?
We live in the future!
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UFC commentator Chael Sonnen said he was “huge
on sportsmanship when coaching kids” but that in pro athletics, he
was referencing UFC fights but the comparison with pro surfers is
apt,“It's different. There doesn't have to be this childish aspect
to it. You can have emotion. It is personal”. WSL
Rip Curl Pro, Portugal, Day Three: “Medina
disqualified, title goes to Pipe; Igarashi says Slater peaked 22
years ago!”
By Longtom
A cruel day in Peniche…
Making predictions on pro surfing is probably one of the
stupider things a human can do, no offence to our punting pals on
here, but I did have a strong gut feeling Medina was going
to stumble here in Portugal.
Which he did, in spectacular fashion, with eight minutes
remaining in a heat with Caio Ibelli in a heat where he’d spent the
previous twenty-seven minutes ruthlessly rag-dolling his compatriot
in weak two-foot closeouts.
Unbelievably, he contested a dribbly little righthander, bumping
shoulders with Ibelli, who gesticulated wildly in protest. WSL
screen live on the broadcast showed Ibelli priority. Medina pointed
to the beach, as if to suggest he had P.
Live screen immediately priority switched to Medina, suggesting
a mistake. Within a minute a decision was reached and Medina had a
priority interference awarded against him, meaning the loss of his
second scoring wave.
As a sign of Medina’s dominance the penalty was not immediately
fatal, with his single wave score of an 8.17 still besting Ibelli’s
top two rides combined.
The WSL, of course, maintained radio silence on the event. No
official protest has been lodged by the Medina camp. I reached out
to Johnny Cabianco who was on the beach, to get his read but
received no reply to my query at time of writing*.
Whether a single infraction of the rules should be enough to
immediately disqualify a surfer(in effect) seems a disproportionate
punishment and produced a result that even Ibelli in the post-heat
presser regarded as faintly ludicrous and unjust.
Early morning Florida time, and presuming Dirk Ziff was
watching, must have made the billionaire delirious with joy. Not
that it matter in the grand scheme. With a net worth of
fourteen-billion plus it would take 710 years for a twenty-million
a year loss to eat away the principal.
For now, pro surfing looks safe and stable.
Medina’s brain explosion, if that’s what it was, had been
rendered moot anyhow in terms of the Title being decided at
Pipeline by the performances of Filipe Toledo (scintillating) and
Italo Ferriera (electric). The Brazilians, like Medina did, took it
to the air, with very high make rates and did beg the question of
whether a pro-surfer in 2019 could exist in the top 20 without a
functioning aerial skill set.
I know, these are dry, arcane questions. More pertinent is why,
considering the forecast and that multiple surfers including Kelly
Slater have spoken publicly about clean barrelling surf on the
leeward side of the peninsula the WSL have stood still as a statue
and run the penultimate event of the year in mostly onshore
closeouts.
With a ten-year deal between the WPS and WSL freshly inked
there’s no mood for rebellion, apart from Slater’s
passive-aggressive jibes but the fan base would like to know.
Twelve months of monitoring and the Facebook Live audience peaked
at fifteen-thousand during Teahupoo’s best day. Portugal has
flatlined in the low two-thousands.
Is pro surfing the only sport on earth where a broadcast
audience is not crucial to its fortunes? In this pivot away from
sport to a media organisation it does seem that way.
Kolohe Andino picked a high volume retro shape off the racks, a
board you and I could shred on, and dominated the opening ten
minutes of his heat with Rodrigues. Hustling a priority situation
to maintain a lead in the back end of the heat. Back looked good,
diligent with warm-ups and warm downs etc etc.
Kelly, by contrast, rode a low volume, twitchy FRK which sunk on
him on crucial closing manoeuvres during the opening stages of his
heat with Igarashi. His strategy of paddling way the fuck down the
beach and surfing a different peak would have paid ample dividend
if he’d stuck the closers.
You could almost feel the mental cogs turning, hear the internal
dialogue implanted by Snake in Kanoa’s mind as he diligently built
a small house and then landscaped it with a few small airs.
Scoreboard flattered Kelly, he never looked like threatening
Igarashi’s lead.
In the presser, Kanoa almost tied himself in knots trying to be
humble but ended up mildly condescending when, while reflecting in
his 3-0 record against Kelly he mused, “Wish I could have surfed
against him in his prime, probably before I was born”.
I know these back injuries are real. I also know the latest
science in pain, especially as it relates to back injuries
emphasises the role of the mind.
Stress, pressure, the activation and reinforcement of neural
pathways, all crucial. In two-foot beachbreak Toledo was in a very
happy place. Paradoxically, and this may apply to Andino too, the
back injuries have taken the pressure off. Allowed an escape hatch,
if you like, for the crushing pressure to dissipate through.
Pip made my back hurt just watching him throw flat spins into
crunching landings. The pairing with Carmichael looked unfair, such
was the speed, agility and repertoire advantage enjoyed by
Toledo.
Pipeline, will be a different beast of course, if the swell
comes to play. For now though a relaxed Pip said he felt “loose and
confident” and showed his magnanimous side by declaring that he
“was really happy to push the World Title to Hawaii and make things
interesting for everyone”.
I think Medina might be a bit tortured by this European leg.
*Stop press. Cabianco was instructed by the Medina camp not to
comment. He described the situation as tense and alluded to a
future statement from the Medina crew. Watch this space.
Update: Gabriel addresses interference via IG.
“I would like to explain what happened on my battle. Caio and I
caught the same wave and each went one way. My wave was shorter and
his was longer. So much so that while I was back outside, he was
still riding his wave. When I got out the bak, I was so sure the
priority was mine that I didn’t look at the priority sign. To my
surprise, when the next wave came, I ended up going because I was
sure the priority was mine.
“I ended making an interference. When I got out of the water I
went to talk to the judges. We looked at the open images of the two
of us paddling back to the bottom with an open camera angle. It was
very clear that I arrived well before. And even if I had gotten
along with him and had a draw, the priority would be mine by the
rule. Because in the wave we surfed together before, Caio had
priority one. I hope the situation will be reevaluated because an
error has occurred. I am still very hopeful that my heat will be
reviewed.”
Men’s Quarterfinal Matchups:
QF 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
QF 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (JPN)
QF 3: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)
QF 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
