A glimpse of stocking, but no beaver, one might say…

Yesterday, and for the briefest of moments before it was yanked offline, we were gifted our first look at waves being ridden at the new full-sized Wavegarden Cove in Bristol, England.

It was pretty enough, blue wind-swell sorta things that stood up bravely for a few seconds before evaporating in a channel. A raised eyebrow, perhaps, but no dilated nostrils.

As fate would play it, another full-sized Wavegarden Cove, built on land near Melbourne’s Tullamarine Airport, has just started peeling back its curtain, although so far it has avoided any embarrassing leaks thereby controlling the narrative and so on.

From the presser:

Utilising Wavegarden’s next-generation Cove technology, URBNSURF Melbourne’s MCG-sized surfing lagoon will deliver high-quality, authentic surfing waves every hour, day and night, year-round. At the push of a button, the size, shape, power and frequency of the waves can be adjusted to suit all abilities, from first-timers through to elite athletes.

As part of its commissioning process, URBNSURF has commenced testing a range of wave types, including a “Malibu” wave perfect for learners and beginners, “Giros I” and “Giros II”, two turns waves designed for intermediates to practice and hone their skills, and “Tubos”, a steep, barrelling wave to challenge and excite advanced surfers.

Over the coming weeks, URBNSURF will be adding further wave types to its “wave menu”, ahead of welcoming surfers of all abilities to sample the perfect, ocean-like conditions, just minutes from Melbourne Airport’s terminals and a short drive from the CBD.

“We’re stoked that the first, perfect waves have been pumping at URBNSURF Melbourne, and we can’t wait to welcome guests from Melbourne, Victoria and around Australia to surf and learn with us this Summer,” said Andrew Ross, URBNSURF’s Founder. “We’ve already created a range of wave types to suit surfers of all abilities, with more to add to the menu over the coming weeks.”

In addition to the surfing action, URBNSURF Melbourne will also delight visitors with delicious, healthy food and beverages by leading restauranteurs Three Blue Ducks.

URBNSURF Melbourne will also offer a fully-stocked surf shop and hire store offering boards, wetsuits and swimwear, a Surf Academy for lessons, coaching and high-performance training, and lagoonside amenities including hot tubs, day beds, bookable cabanas and landscaped spaces to relax and enjoy the view.

Watch the video here. 

It's go time!

Ooooooooeee! Aunty Chas is on a heater today and yes it’s vodka fueled, thank you very much to the anonymous listener/reader who sent Kingsley Amis’s On Drink to me today for it has already changed my life, but also ooooooooeee! Not only is Stab virtue signaling in the most obscene way but the World Surf League fully showcased its vision and intentions yesterday, through its charlatan Erik “ELo” Logan” and surfing is in a dire, dire spot.

Oh not dire for us, not yet, but any Hardened Purist™ who claims, “Whatever, the culture doesn’t matter, I just go surf…” is missing the damned point.

Surfing has always been about more than surfing and this weird snowflake, Robust Horizon™ co-opting is egregious.

I”ll say, right now, that it is worse than the damage missionaries wrought in Hawaii when they forced locals to cover their nakedness and stop surfing.

A soft co-opting.

And fuck them. It’s time for a proper revolution. For surfers to stand up and say, “No. This is not what I am/do.” Because do you want to watch Chasing Mavericks for the rest of your life on loop?”

That’s what Erik Logan wants. He wants his made-for-studio Oklahoma born and raised Laird Hamilton worshiping version of what we love to take over the entire narrative of what we love.

FUCK THAT!

Fuck Laird Hamilton, fuck the World Surf League and super fuck Chasing Mavericks. It was awful when I saw it the first time (when the studio invited then Surfing magazine’s skeleton staff up to watch an exclusive screening) and it is even worse now.

Fuck the whitewashed version of the Pastime of Kings.

We don’t need to go along with this, we won’t, and it’s time for a proper rebellion.

Need more rant? Listen here! And also….

…This is our time. We can actually take down a co-opting billionaire and how often has that happened ever?

The wave our World Surf League loves to hate is back!

Mavericks pioneer Jeff Clark announced a new, guaranteed to run surf “contest” that will take place this winter at Mavericks. Every male and female surfer will have ample time, and there will even be room for you to paddle out, if you’re feeling particularly brazen. It will not be a World Surf League event, as Santa Monica loves to hate California’s most iconic big wave, and there will be a “significant cash prize purse” for winners.

How will this miracle happen? By moving it all to the virtual realm, of course, where sharks are pedophiles and Erik Logan’s “robust horizons” spread out as far as the mind can imagine and we must now read the press release for it is our sacred duty to fair and balance.

The Mavericks Surf Awards is a video performance contest where athletes and videographers submit their best surf videos of Mavericks throughout the season, and winners are selected for various categories. All surfers – men and women, seasoned professionals and up-and-comers – are eligible to enter.

A significant cash prize purse will be be divided across five categories: Male Performer of the Year; Female Performer of the Year; Biggest Wave; Best Wave; and Best Barrel. 90% of the prize money for each category will be awarded to the athlete and 10% to the videographer. The window to submit videos is November 1, 2019, through April 15, 2020, and will culminate in an Awards Ceremony in Half Moon Bay in May.

“Our mission is to celebrate Mavericks and support the men and women who have dedicated their lives to surfing this amazing spot,” said Jeff Clark. “When the WSL decided to cancel the contest at Mavericks, it was yet another sign that the times have changed, and we need to change, too. The logistics and politics of running a one-day surf event make it incredibly difficult. This is an opportunity to rewrite the script, keep the surfing pure, and stay out of the way of the athletes who want to go out there and free surf for the pure joy of it. Every swell, there are photographers out there documenting amazing moments that no one even sees. Now we have a way to capture those moments and recognize the best of the best every season.”

Ok, a few questions. I know the WSL cancelled the contest but didn’t they retain the rights? It doesn’t seem like The Mavericks Surf Awards has anything to do with Santa Monica whatsoever. Did Clark and partners find an end around by tacking the word “Awards” on instead of “Contest, Invitational or Pro?”

Should BeachGrit announce its “tour” next year starting with the Quiksilver Pro Awards before heading to the Bells Awards?

Clark says, “Every swell, there are photographers out there documenting amazing moments that no one even sees.” What do you think these photographers do out there with the documented moments no one ever sees? Do they gather on Pillar Point at day’s end and burn their memory cards? Send them all to Santa Monica where they are plastered into the Wall of Positive Noise? A great mystery.

Last, I usually know how I feel about things like this. I have a sense that it is either stupid or fun. This seems fun but I have a sneaking suspicion that it might also be stupid. Can you help me decide?

Thanks in advance.