The Empire Strikes Back.
For the second time in one year I’ve run headlong into the World Surf League’s Wall of Positive Noise and been sent sprawling, reeling, arms, legs, head akimbo. Waking up minutes later on my back, or maybe hours, in a foggy daze. Skull aching. Am I concussed? Probably. Badly hurt? Maybe. Depressed?
Certainly.
The first was when I cajoled the World Surf League’s President of Content, Media, Studios and Newberry Medals Erik “ELo” Logan into a podcast. “Ha!” I thought. “I will push him around the conference room and surfers, real surfers, will rejoice.”
But it was Mr. Logan that pushed me around the conference room, rendering me mute with a constant stream of upbeat business-speak and bright-eye’d affirmations. He deeply and profoundly shamed me in front of the entire surf-reading public and I carried that pain in my heart until it was time for a new plan of action.
When I discovered that professional surfers are not free, that they are gagged by the insidious Article 189 that prohibits them from disparaging either the WSL or the sport of surfing. “The bastards!” I thought. “Now is my time to rise again. My time to be the Harriet Tubman of professional surfers. Their Gandhi. To free them from happy shackles and lead them into the more comfortable Grouchy Place.
I immediately began organizing a protest for this Friday the 15th outside the World Surf League’s Santa Monica headquarters that would include cotton candy, a mariachi band, angry signs, yellow beanies and chants while furiously reaching out to President Logan via Instagram and cake.
Demanding that he tear down that wall. That he give professional surfers their God given rights.
He never reached back, not even letting me know if he tried the cake I slaved over. Forward I pressed, anyhow, only slightly disheartened, until yesterday when I learned that zero employees will be in the Santa Monica headquarters this Friday the 15th.
They will all be in Hawai’i including President Logan himself.
It almost broke me right in half and I am beginning to think that President Logan has true military skill very similar to the famous Confederate General “Stonewall” Jackson who could quickly determine weak points in his defenses and close gaps with lightening speed.
President Stone-Positive-Wall Logan.
The most brilliant tactician I have ever faced.
Still, I had to send a message, or at least find out if professional surfers are ok, and went after the collaborator Chris Cotê, hoping that he had not boarded his Hawai’i-bound flight yet.
He had not but swerved and dodged, answering all my questions without answering any of them. A classic public relations move elevated to art by Cotë’s quick collaborative tongue.
Things are bleak this morning but when times are extra tough I find solace in the wisdom of Richard M. Nixon who once said, “Defeat doesn’t finish a man, quit does. A man is not finished when he’s defeated. He’s finished when he quits.”
Like Nixon, I refuse to quit.
WSL: *complains about how expensive surf contests are to run*
Also WSL: *sends every single one of their employees to Hawaii*
Giving the guy who captures you and ties you up a gummy snake immediately is the clearest case of Stockholm syndrome one will ever see.
Kinda like when Goerg Elser failed his mission.
Hey Chas, the Wsl, Dirk, Elo, Sophie, (all non surfers) want to take surfing global, into every living room, two boards in every garage, sell it to the world, more people in the water, bigger crowds. Thats pretty much their ‘stated mission’. When you support contests– isn’t that like supporting the Wsl. Maybe a permanent boycott would be better. Surfing already gives us everything we need. Do we have to watch it, when we can actually do it……..looks like you, we, us, are going to have to make a choice……you can’t fight the enemy–and support him at the same time……..
You ever watched porn?
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
You’re right Chas, don’t quit!
Follow those clowns to Hawaii and show them who’s Boss. Make BG readers proud.
Nixon quit
Damn it! There goes my whole belief system…
Your manifesto needs to be Hoffers True Believers – united action and self sacrifice – you have the latter down pat.
Chris has always been a good sport, appreciates the joke even on him and is genuinely nice in person. He is not the man to represent the movement from within.
And, he’s better in the booth than Ronnie or Joe. Yes, I know, layers of lipstick on pigs, but even so.
I love the way Chas runs too…. don’t hurt yourself General Smith.
The segments of Chas running or riding a bike are amazing.
Dude can bake though….
Bake and talk at the same time even. I thought that cake was doomed though. One shitty 70’s era bike rack with a spring loaded clip away from pavement. I feel like there were backup/stunt cakes.
cake was doomed, agree…. heeheheeheeee, especially with said biking skills.
At least better than Pottz in the booth…even if he sounds Spongebobish.
So go to Hawaii
I heard about all the pretty girls
With their grass skirts down to their knees
All my life I wanted to see
The island called Hawaii
Do you wanna come all over me.
(Eric) Logan’s Run
The year is 2030. The surf media, now comprised of a joint venture between the Oprah Network, The Inertia, and Joe Rogan, converges on Lemoore, California for the Outerknown in Honor of Chas Smith SUP pro, held in honor of the eponymous surf journalist who disappeared in December 2020.
Since the 2020 Olympics, radiation poisoning decimated the ranks of pro surfing, particularly those critical of the world surf league in the past. In this void, and strengthened by article 189 of the WSL contract forbidding surfers to speak out in any way against the World Surf League, Chief Storytelling Officer For Life Eric Logan (self-appointed) begins a reign of terror, forcing the League’s transition into the World SUP League, with a video titled “Surf’s SUP with E-Lo!”. In the years to follow, Logan amends Article 189, sending violators to mandatory surfer-reeducation camps with his Consiglieri and the League’s Minister of Actualization, Charlie Goldsmith. Now that all surfers in the world must register as QS competitors and thus subject to Article 189, Logan has achieved de-facto control of what used to be known as the surfing (now SUPing) world.
Back to the present day. The protagonist is put in a reeducation camp below Lemoore, where he finds himself along with all the other surfers and journalists who have disappeared over the years, condemned to SUP in place, generating Green, zero-carbon energy powering the surf ranch.
I wish a could upvote this a hundred. So classic!
This isn’t me, this is CGI or photoshop or something.
A deep fake!
You should be happy it’s not South Park.
Did you see the South park about purgatory and the plane? Holy fuck Otto, I’ve been laughing ever since….
I am becoming a real fan, Mr Cote. I enjoyed your guest appearance on the Lipped podcast. Good sport. Fuck the haters, do your thing. It’s just a silly side show and all the players clowns.
For real, it’s rad that Chris is such a good sport.
You’re there crying for help with freeing surfers from the confine of 189 and Chris’ FIRST concern is you busting his balls about sustainability!?!
A real fork Chris! A real fucking fork is you being sustainable?! For Fuck Sake Chris!!! A Fucking Fork!!????!!!!!
I really like the tattoo on your neck Charlie. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Ha!
Article 189 is common in most sports if not all pro sports (of which surfing should not be). Couple of recent examples:
1. Manchester City’s Bernardo Silva has been banned for one match and fined £50,000 after an FA commission accepted he “did not intend” a tweet about team-mate Benjamin Mendy to be “racist”.
2. Scottish Rugby has been fined £70,000 and ordered to apologise to World Rugby for criticism of the threatened cancellation of their World Cup Pool A game against Japan.
An independent disputes committee says he “brought the game into disrepute”.
bummer no protest… the BeachGrit as Negative Shill conspiracy theory appears to be strengthening!…
BREAKING NEWS!: WSL to Launch New Reality Series About ELo!
by Karl Von Fanningstadt
November 13, 2019 – WSL Studios, who recently announced the organization’s deal with ABC to air their new Ultimate Surfer limited reality series, have started production on a new heavily scripted unscripted reality TV show starring Erik “ELo” Logan and centering on his role at the WSL and associated hijinks. Michael Schur and ELo, credited as Erik Toppenberg, will serve as the show’s writers (rumors indicating ELo marginally contributes). BeachGrit has obtained script excerpts (below) from the show for episodes detailing ELo’s evolving relationship with Chas:
…
EXT: OUTSIDE SHOT WORLD SURF LEAGUE HEADQUARTERS – DAY.
SUPER: February 26, 2019 – World Surf League Headquarters, Santa Monica, CA
INT: CONFERENCE ROOM.
Coffee cups neatly arranged in front of three people, SOPHIE, ELO, and PRODAN, in a meeting.
SOPHIE: Hello, chaps. In today’s meeting we’ll be going over a little bit our media strategies. So, Mr. Logan…
ELO: You can call me “Elo,” Soph. (pointing to other meeting member, Dave Prodan) You, can call me whatever. A real core lord…
SOPHIE: Stop, and no. You will address me as “Kaiserin Goldschmidt.”
ELO: No problem, KG.
SOPHIE: (agitated) fine, how are you finding things here. Good I hope?
ELO: Definitely! I love surfing! I’m a little surf lovebu…
SOPHIE: (sarcastically) Delightful. What is going to be our new strategy for media?
ELO: That’s kind of broad, but I think we should work with other surf media, you know, the core sites, including BeachGrit, Stab, and especially the Inertia…
SOPHIE: I don’t know…
ELO: We get them over to our side. Make them believe we’re working with them in order to neuter them.
SOPHIE: (stroking chin) hmmmmmm, I do quite like the sound of this. A jolly good idea. What is our first plan of action to implement?
ELO: I am going to go on the Beach Grit podcast with Chas.
PRODAN: I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Chas is good at making people look bad.
ELO: Don’t worry, there is no possible way to make us look bad. I’ve been in tougher situations. You do know I worked for the O Network, working with God herself, right? Flattery and BS are my forte. I’ve been texting with Chas and think I’m already getting to him
ELO shows PRODAN and SOPHIE the text messages (which appear on screen) –
CHAS (text in white): it would b gr8 2 hacve youi in.
ELO (text in blue): Splendid! To the start of a prosperous relationship – [link to YouTube lyric video for “First Impression” by Duran Duran]
CHAS: Fantastic. Well b in tuch
PRODAN: (handing phone back) I still don’t know… wait, you sent him a link to a Duran Duran song? The one you’ve been blasting from your office the past week?
ELO: Mmhmm. Music is a great mode of expression. I think our office could use a little life. You, know, be yourself, have fun.
PRODAN: OK.
PRODAN TALKING HEAD: Guess we gotta do this. Let wonderboy fail on his own… this is going to end in disaster.
BACK TO SCENE:
SOPHIE: This has been quite productive. Quite bloody.
Awkward glances are exchanged between PRODAN and ELO
SOPHIE: Oh, sorry, I’m Brih-ish.
ELO and PRODAN: Of course.
Characters shake hands and leave the room.
…
EXT: OUTSIDE SHOT OF CHA CHA CHICKEN – DAY
SUPER: March 20, 2019 – Lunch Date, Santa Monica, CA
INT: CHA CHA CHICKEN
ELO, PRODAN, PAT-O sit at a green table, in discussion, seemingly already having ordered, all holding their numbered tickets. ELO sits with an airpod in his left ear, appearing to be listening to music while keeping up his respectful nodding during conversation.
PRODAN: So, Rik, I know you and I talked about it over the weekend, but tell Pat how the meeting with Chas went last week.
ELO: (Holding up finger) Just a minute… here, Patty, listen to this.
ELO hands airpod to PAT-O, who is immediately ambushed with “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift. PAT-O hands back airpod
PAT-O: So it went well, I’m taking it?
ELO: It went great! Head over heels… I think we can get him over to our side.
PAT-O: And what is the actual goal of doing this?
ELO: We need to seem cool. And, Chas, he’s got that. In spades!
PAT-O: Chas? Cool?
PRODAN: You see what I have to deal with?
ELO: Don’t worry, he’s on his way to my back pocket. I’ll have him eating out of the palm of my hand by the time we do the pod.
PAT-O: OK, just as long as this doesn’t blow up on me. I’ve got enough to worry about: the Tour starting in a couple weeks… and I took a risk coming here in the middle of the Hurley sale. Fucking Bob and family were “interested” in buying it back, but they’re full of shit, giving us the run around… plus, Filipe is crying about wanting more, which I wanted to give him, but Nike didn’t want to “bid against itself for no benefit/reason”…
ELO: That’s showbiz, baby.
PRODAN: Let’s get back to the office.
PAT-O: Good idea.
Their numbers are called unrealistically in quick succession and all three leave the restaurant. PRODAN and PAT-O want to leave a tip, and have to cover ELO for it, in cash, which they leave near the register.
…
EXT: OUTSIDE SHOT WORLD SURF LEAGUE HEADQUARTERS – DAY
SUPER: May 7, 2019 – ELo’s Office, Santa Monica, CA
INT: ELO’s OFFICE
ELO is sitting at his desk, while listening to music. Blaring loudly out of his speakers is “Float Away” by Donora. PRODAN walks into the office, signaling to ELO to turn the music down.
PRODAN: Hey, Rik… can you turn it down a little?
ELO: Sure, yeah, Prodie buddy, what’s up?
PRODAN: Sophie wants to talk about your Grit interview today.
ELO: OK. Let me finish this song. “Float Awwaaaaaaaaaay!”
PRODAN TALKING HEAD: I was annoyed at first at his incessant music playing when he came on board, but when you’re playing Donora… I mean, come on. Great stuff.
BACK TO SCENE:
Song ends.
ELO: Alright, let’s go!
ELO and PRODAN walk down the hallway to the conference room. No one is in the room. On the phone are SOPHIE and future CMO PRI SHUMATE. ELO and PRODAN take their seats.
ELO: Hey, Sophie, I hear you wanted to discuss the meeting with Chazzy boy. Who else is on the line?
SOPHIE: Pri is. We won’t announce her coming on for another, at least, a month. Anyway, how did it go?
ELO: it went fantastic! He was eating everything I said. At the tough points, I made some great pivots and got away from any real scrutiny. Both were ineffectual.
SOPHIE: Bloody delightful, assuming it is the truth. Davie boy, is this accurate?
PRODAN: I mean, it didn’t go horribly. I don’t know exactly what we’re getting from it. We didn’t get any backlash from Chas or David, surprisingly.
SOPHIE: Jolly good! Tea and Crumpets!
PRODAN: I’m sure their commenters will not be happy. They’re already mad at Chas it looks like.
SOPHIE: No mattah. Well done, Erik.
ELO: ELo
SOPHIE: Right, ELo. What are the next steps?
ELO: We’ll see when we get there. I think we’re creating a great relationship with the core audience.. (starts humming) Oooh la la, I’ve fallen in love/ and it’s better this time than ever befoooore.
SOPHIE: We can end this call now. Keep up the good work and keep me and Pri informed. Have a lovely evening.
ELO: Ciao!
SOPHIE AND PRI hang up. PRODAN and ELO walk out of the conference room.
…
EXT: ROADS, ROLLING HILLS, CA – DAY
SUPER: August 18, 2019 – Equestrian Event, Rolling Hills, CA
INT: ELO’s CAR
ELO is driving his daughters to some bougie equestrian thing. While driving he gets a call from PRODAN. ELO answers.
ELO: Hey, what’s up?
PRODAN: Have you listened to the latest Grit podcast?
ELO: No, why? What did Chas say?
PRODAN: He graded your performance and gave you a terrible grade.
ELO: What?! Here, hold on a second.
ELO drives up to where he needs to park at Ernie J. Howlett Park in Rolling Hills, CA. He lets his daughters out of the car.
ELO: I’ll be out there in a minute. You guys go on ahead… OK, I’ll have to listen to it and give you a call back. Later.
PRODAN: Later.
ELO puts in his airpods and puts on the episode, exiting the car.
EXT: ERNIE J. HOWLETT PARK, ROLLING HILLS, CA – DAY
MONTAGE: Various horse jumps and ELo’s face slowly crinkling. ELo becomes visibly mad.
MUSIC: “What’s Love Got to Do With It” by Tina Turner plays over the scene.
ELO claps while watching his daughters ride horses. ELO takes photos and feigns happiness. Song ends with ELO having a look of concentration on his face.
FADE TO BLACK
…
EXT: EL PORTO, MANHATTAN BEACH, CA – DAY
SUPER: October 31, 2019 – Porto, Manhattan Beach, CA
ELO stands, SUP in hands, looking out at the closeouts in the water, getting ready to go out. ELO is notified on his Apple Watch that he is getting a phone call from PRODAN. ELO answers.
ELO: What’s up, buddy?
PRODAN: Hey, where are you? You were supposed to be in this meeting this morning.
ELO: I’m surfing. Sorry, I’ll be a little late.
PRODAN: OK, I’ll delay everyone with some longwinded, nonsensical corpo babble, but you’ve got an hour.
ELO: Can you make it two?
PRODAN: What? No. It’s already past ten. Rik, I know you’ve been sad about Chas turning on you. Trust me, we’ve all heard you blasting “Missing You” for the past week…
ELO: At least I alternate between the John Waite and Tina Turner versions.
PRODAN: You gotta get over it. Besides, you should’ve expected this turn. Chas is a dick.
MUSIC: Tender copyright free music plays in background.
ELO: I guess, I just wanted to be a core lord.
PRODAN: Just be you.
ELO: You’re right. I’ll come in. Btw, what are you dressing up as tonight for Halloween?
PRODAN: I’m not.
ELO: Oh, well, I’m going as Little Joe Cartwright from Bonanza. You can be Hoss!
PRODAN: No.
ELO: No problemo. Be there in an hour. Lateski.
PRODAN: Later.
ELO walks to his car and puts everything away and gets in.
…
EXT: TURTLE BAY RESORT, KAHUKU, HI – NIGHT
SUPER: November 7, 2019 – Turtle Bay Resort, North Shore, HI
INT: RESORT LOBBY
ELO, appearing disheveled and distressed, is staring at his phone. PAT-O and PRODAN walk in.
PAT-O: Hey, buddy, how’s everything going?
ELO: Not great, I’m still kind of sad about Chas… and for looking like an idiot about Surf Ranch…
PAT-O: Everyone knows you didn’t want it, though. Dirk, Sophie, Kelly’s Voodoo man, and Kelly were responsible for that. You need to snap out of it.
ELO: Easy for you to say. I’m the public face of content… and contests count as content!
PAT-O: True…
PRODAN: OK, that is enough. Let us all calm down. Nothing is…
ELO: Chas is going to get people to protest Article 189 next Friday! What about that?
PRODAN: Chas is all talk. Besides, we’re in Hawaii, buddy. And how many people were really going to show up?
PAT-O: Probably less than 12. They’re going to cancel, anyway.
PRODAN: Exactly. No need to worry.
ELO: I guess you’re right. I’m just so stressed over it. We should still try to get some footage just in case…
PRODAN: (lets out deep sigh) How about this: “extend distributed methodologies, syndicate collaborative synergies, facilitate mission-critical partnerships, implement holistic networks…”
ELO: Ooh, sexy. That does help a little.
PAT-O: You know how you like to play music to set up a mood?
ELO: Yeah…
PRODAN: Play something you feel is empowering.
ELO: I really want a Taylor song, but am no longer a Swifty… I don’t know, I’m kinda liking the new Post Malone. That’s hip right? Kids will think I’m cool?
PRODAN: Uhhhhh….
ELO: “A Thousand Bad Times” oh, yeah, that is the schnitzel!
PRODAN: Cool. Channel that and we’ll get through this.
PAT-O: Also, mix it up a bit. Maybe play some Evanescence… “Bring Me to Life” That one always helps me!
ELO: Genius! Thanks, Pat. Thanks, Prodie. (looks at watch) We got to get to our real hotel. We’re all at the Courtyard by Marriott. Remember, we’re all rooming together.
PRODAN: (Heavy sigh) Why did you make us come here then?
ELO: I thought it would be cool.
PRODAN: Ugh, let’s get out of here.
PRODAN and PAT-O walk out of the building.
CLOSE UP: ELO’s face. ELO gives a cheesy smile to camera.
SHARP CUT TO BLACK
…
TLDR
I come here for one-line zingers, not the Epic of Gilgamesh.
Difficult to tell
If this is complete fiction
Or word verbatim
Karl Van F….. I’m going to print this for my next flight across the date line… little zanax, one IPA, this to read…. hello Nerita!
Fuck. I can only give this one upvote. Deserves a whole lot more!
Gotta warn us if its a long read
Any chance we can get a synopsis?
that was weird
How have you not reported on Kelly Slater’s new ABC network surfing competition yet?
it’s coming! I’ve also got a real earth-quaker on the boil….
Breaking news: Charlie Goldsmith named as head judge.