Kelly Slater, left, and Mike Stewart, far right, a long time ago in a galaxy far far away etc.

Meet: the surfing god who holds magical key to Kelly Slater’s eternal happiness!

He is simultaneously the Duke Kahanamoku, Miki Dora, Tom Curren and Kelly Slater of his sport; its godfather figure, its biggest legend, its most stylish practitioner and its greatest champion.

A genre has formed within surf journalism around dissecting the motivations of Kelly Slater.

Why does Kelly do what Kelly does? 

The killer competitive drive and all its associated personality traits that fuelled 11 world titles and 20 plus years at the highest level have also proven to be a little of his undoing.

With every passing year, Kelly isolates himself with a need to stay relevant. 

The now infamous “Sound Waves” episode offered a telling window into the depths he is prepared to plunge to stay in the game.

How does Kelly, as a once omnipotent surf god, manage the later stages of his  career?

Kelly has said he feels like he’s alone and that no one understands him.

But, what if there is someone who has been through similar experiences that he could turn to for guidance?

Mike Stewart, owner of nine world bodyboard titles and fourteen world bodysurfing titles knows what it’s like to be venerated within a surfing sport.

He is simultaneously the Duke Kahanamoku, Miki Dora, Tom Curren and Kelly Slater of the bodyboard world; its godfather figure, its biggest legend, its most stylish practitioner and its greatest champion.

But next year, at fifty-six years old, Mike won’t be on the bodyboarding professional tour, known as the APB. For the first time since 1982(!) he won’t directly qualify to compete on the grand stage at the highest level.

That’s thirty-seven years at the top.

Listening to Stewart speak in a recent episode of the “Le Boogie” podcast, the commonalities between his and Slater’s hyper-competitive personalities become clear.

At one stage, Stewart rattles off a list of things he feels he needs to improve to remain competitive against riders who may be up to a third his age: get more flexible, get stronger and adjust his mindset so he’s willing to endure the punishment of landing moves after hitting heavy sections on sizeable waves.

Says Stewart, “If you want it bad enough, you’re going to have to endure some mean poundings. It’s not a fun thing.”

Remember, he’s fifty-six and has been at the top of the sport since its inception.

The competitive desire to achieve obviously still burns strong. It’s just that these days, the goalposts have shifted.

“I’m competing, but I’m not here to win contests. I’m here to participate, which is a totally different mindset, just to be able to go out there and still mix it up, is a super big thrill for me, and I’m just stoked to do it.”

It’s a headspace that sounds eerily familiar to the one supernatural healer Charlie Goldsmith was trying to impart to Kelly. 

Which is, find the joy within the opportunity and experience, rather than the thrill of vanquishing all before you to reach the top.

During the commentary of the last day of the Pipe Masters, Shane Dorian said that Kelly had expressed a desire to do the tour again next year, although this time exclusively riding a twin fin.

Why not?

It sounds like a perfect fit for 2020 Slater. An opportunity to push and explore board design possibilities.To continue to expand the parameters of what people have assumed possible. The possibility of new and novel experiences.

The chance to still compete, but on his own terms.

So, Kelly, forget about an Aussie shaman and go seek out the one other man on the planet whose competitive drive and wave riding experience is comparable to your own for a little advice.

I’m sure you might be able to bump into him at pipe.

Or at the very least, listen to the podcast.


Police (pictured) appearing to take mankind's side.

Disturbing: “Group of men” allegedly net, drag stately female Great White shark to the beach then kick her jaw while “laughing maniacally” as she dies!

Very disturbing.

Oh no. On no no. I was worried, earlier today, after it was reported that a humungous Great White shark was discovered buried in a West Australia reef cave sporting a “gangland-style single tap” bullet hole in the back of the head. Worried that mankind, sensing that we are living in the very last days, that the Shark Apocalypse is truly and completely upon us, would take matters into its own hands.

Mankind, as you well know, cannot be trusted with anything.

Well, my fears have been augmented for it has just reported that across the Tasman Sea, a band of rough n’ tumble New Zealanders allegedly netted a shark, dragged it to the beach then kicked it in the jaw and laughed maniacally while it died.

Stuff, New Zealand’s leading men’s interest magazine, reports:

A great white shark that died on an Auckland beach was netted on purpose and once on land repeatedly kicked, it has been claimed.

A large crowd gathered around the shark shortly after 4pm on Thursday after it appeared to be stranded in the shallow water at Orewa Beach, on Auckland’s Hibiscus Coast.

Video captured by a concerned onlooker showed a lifeguard and one other man grab the shark by its tail and pull it into deeper water, however the shark returned to shore where it was confirmed dead.

But Stuff has received reports that a group of men “purposefully caught [the shark] in a net” and after pulling it ashore “repeatedly kicked it, damaged its jaw and took photos next to the dying animal, while laughing”.

It is assumed maniacally.

And how does this make you feel as part of mankind? Proud? Disgusted? Inspired?

More importantly, how do you think it makes the stately Great Whites feel? Rage-filled? Aggressive? Hungry?

Is it possible, though, the alleged “group of men” was simply splashing the apex predator with their feet? Video from the scene suggests maybe.

Much to think about.

In the meantime, surfing, in New Zealand, is not recommended until we can sort the emotional situation out. Until we know the Great White’s response.

More as the story develops.


Diver stumbles upon “ghastly” Great White executed “gangland-style” with bullet to back of head, buried in reef cave under famed surf break Margaret River!

"Some of the fishermen here are real cowboys..."

Well if this isn’t an understandable, yet horrific, turn in our current, ongoing Shark Apocalypse. The one where Great Whites are using sophisticated military tactics to surround and squeeze Florida, Tigers are eating people whole in Réunion and Bulls, generally intransigent, carry on as normal. T.S. Eliot, inspiration behind the worst movie ever made, once declared, “This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but whimper.”

Poignant, starkly beautiful but wrong.

The world ends in the jaws of a prehistoric apex predator.

It ends in the jaws of a Great White, likely, but if mankind is born with one trait it is self-preservation. If born with with two, self-preservation and a love for Martin Scorsese mob films where many people become executed, gangland-style, with a bullet from very close range to the head.

And this is, allegedly, what a scuba diver discovered buried in a shallow reef cave underneath stop number 3 on the World Surf League’s Championship Tour Margaret River.

Oh you already know that West Australia is home to a vibrant, aggressive band of Great Whites, that they regularly threaten to bite, chew, eat surfers. It is illegal to hunt them but fishermen are known to take justice into their own hands.

Our source on the ground says, “Some of the fishermen here are real cowboys. They carry guns when they go out in case of, uh, emergency.”

Other divers have confirmed the shark’s existence, each declaring it to be “huge” and “massive.”

Still other, third-hand, reports declare the shark may have a rope still tied to its tail suggesting it had been possibly “dragged and drowned.”

The sharks presence, noted on West Australia’s shark spotting and tracking app SharkSmart, has reportedly not been dissuading surfers from enjoying Main Break’s big scary.

BeachGrit has commissioned a diver to confirm the shark’s presence, current state and cause of death.

More as the story develops.


Watch: Presidential candidate and alleged “Russian asset” Tulsi Gabbard “makes history” by surfing freezing cold New Hampshire!

Realpolitik!

And now that we’ve crossed, officially, into 2020 how excited are you for this coming autumn’s United States Presidential election? Very? Somewhat? Not at all? Impossible to circle not at all or somewhat because there are such thrilling characters in the race on the Democrat side. Political “rock stars” like… New Jersey’s Cory Booker and… California’s Kamala Harris.

What?

Booker polls so low that he’s not allowed onto the debate stage and Harris has dropped out?

Excuse me.

Who I meant was Hawaii’s Tulsi Gabbard who voted “present” instead of “burn him at the stake” during 2019’s electrifying impeachment of President Donald J. Trump in the lower house of congress and who one-time Democratic candidate Hillary R. Clinton labeled “a Russian asset.”

As you know well, especially after her appearance on surfing’s Grand Ole Opry Ain’t That Swell, Gabbard herself enjoys our Pastime of Kings and enjoys it so much that she rang in the new year by “making history” in New Hampshire but let us go, without delay, to NBC, the network that once hosted Donald J. Trump’s own presidential kick-off, The Apprentice.

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard tried to make a splash for her presidential campaign on New Year’s Day by hitting the waves in freezing New Hampshire.

Accompanied by people carrying campaign signs, Gabbard, D-Hawaii, hit the beach in a full wetsuit Wednesday morning before wading into the frigid Atlantic Ocean, a video from NBC Boston shows. She then surfs a small wave.

“History is being made!” a person in the group yelled, asserting that Gabbard is the first presidential candidate to surf in the Granite State.

A wonderful, heart-warming story though I do have some questions.

If Gabbard is trying to convince people that she is not, in fact, a Russian asset do you think enjoying a dip into freezing cold water will help her cause? To be frank, I imagine it will invite further questions and maybe an entire multiple day long string of hearings in congress.

Also, the assertion that she is the first presidential candidate to surf New Hampshire seems very far fetched. I recall Ben Gravy surfing there, as well as every other state and think he must be running for president too because, otherwise, why?

Much to get to the bottom of and, as always, your very favorite tabloid with a slight surf bent will keep on the case.

You’re welcome!

One last quick question, though. Do you love when people other than rock stars are dubbed “rock stars?” “Rock star” plumber, “rock star” roofer. etc.?


Mick Fanning watches as years fall off beloved Pomeranian Harper.

Behold: Champion surfer Mick Fanning buys into miracle age-reversing dog-food start-up!

"The health of (dog) Harper is just as important as my health," says three-time king of pro surfing.

The three-time world champion Mick Fanning is quickly revealing himself to be the canniest surfer-investor ever, moreso even than the real-estate tycoons Luke Egan and Taj Burrow.

One month ago, Balter, the beer brand he started with pals was sold to the Asahi-owned Carlton United Breweries for a figure up to $150 million if sales targets are hit. For Mick, it’s a minimum four-mill payday. 

And, earlier today, Mick, who has crammed several lifetimes into his thirty-eight years, announced he was adding to his start-up portfolio, this time with healthy home delivered dog-food biz, Scratch Pet Food.

“The health of Harper is just as important as my health,” Mick told his one-point-two million followers, “but it hadn’t been easy to find a business who made decisions that way. Since using @worldofscratch, Harpers skin as cleaned up, her digestion has become amazing and she’s got puppy like energy again.”

The founders have got a pretty good story.

Mike Halligan is the former digital marketing manager for clothing brands Barney Cools and Zanerobe and Doug Spiegelhauer comes from six years as Operations Manager at a pet food biz.

From their site. 

“So far, not a lot in common. But they both love dogs. And they hate that Australians were getting charged mega bucks for dry dog food that was pretty average.

“Ground up dodgy meat, cheap ingredients, heavy bags, little transparency and 80% of it being headed up by two massive chocolate companies.

“Not on.

“They decided, they were going to fix it once and for all. From the supply chain right down to how it’s delivered.

Even if miracles don’t occur with your own dog, no lustrous skin, eyes velvety and nostrils healthily dilated, it ain’t a bad thing to reduce waste, get the industry out of the hands of factory farming etc.