"The health of (dog) Harper is just as important as my health," says three-time king of pro surfing.

The three-time world champion Mick Fanning is quickly revealing himself to be the canniest surfer-investor ever, moreso even than the real-estate tycoons Luke Egan and Taj Burrow.

One month ago, Balter, the beer brand he started with pals was sold to the Asahi-owned Carlton United Breweries for a figure up to $150 million if sales targets are hit. For Mick, it’s a minimum four-mill payday. 

And, earlier today, Mick, who has crammed several lifetimes into his thirty-eight years, announced he was adding to his start-up portfolio, this time with healthy home delivered dog-food biz, Scratch Pet Food.

“The health of Harper is just as important as my health,” Mick told his one-point-two million followers, “but it hadn’t been easy to find a business who made decisions that way. Since using @worldofscratch, Harpers skin as cleaned up, her digestion has become amazing and she’s got puppy like energy again.”

The founders have got a pretty good story.

Mike Halligan is the former digital marketing manager for clothing brands Barney Cools and Zanerobe and Doug Spiegelhauer comes from six years as Operations Manager at a pet food biz.

From their site. 

“So far, not a lot in common. But they both love dogs. And they hate that Australians were getting charged mega bucks for dry dog food that was pretty average.

“Ground up dodgy meat, cheap ingredients, heavy bags, little transparency and 80% of it being headed up by two massive chocolate companies.

“Not on.

“They decided, they were going to fix it once and for all. From the supply chain right down to how it’s delivered.”

Even if miracles don’t occur with your own dog, no lustrous skin, eyes velvety and nostrils healthily dilated, it ain’t a bad thing to reduce waste, get the industry out of the hands of factory farming etc.

"Here is a woman making an enquiry about the types of surfing and female representation and you see that as an opportunity to attack her and take the piss out of minorities."

In a little over a week, the doors will be officially opened to Australia’s first public wave tank, a thirty-minute walk or two-minute drive from Melbourne airport.

The $A79-an-hour tariff  at Urbnsurf ($US55) compares favourably to Waco’s American Wave Machines tank at $A128 ($US90) although you will be sharing the little take-off with seventeen other shredders.

A series of closed sessions with high-profile surfers at the yet-to-be-completed venue has created a fantastic excitement. Most sessions listed on the site are full or almost full.

Not everyone is happy, however, especially when it was revealed two white male movie stars with strong faces and bodies like one of those Greek heroes, Australians who’ve made their names in Hollywood playing the sort of characters that repel and attract women in equal measure, had enjoyed a “mammoth ten-hour session.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/B6luqYsHgbh/

Woke longboarder Niamh Reilly (@_niamhre), no relation, writes on Urbnsurf’s IG, “I’ve seen very little longboard action on any of your advertising… I know you named the intermediate waves for ‘long boarding’, but so far it seems like an after thought. Any plans to show some alternative surfing ? Or is it just for shortboarders – and men? Where are the lady surfers.”

A cursory glance at promotional material associated with the tank reveals longboarders (Ben Considine, Harley Ingleby), girls (Tyler Wright, Sally Fitz, Nikki Van Dijk) and beginners sloshing around, the whole dazzling surf utopia, although Bristol did top Urbnsurf with a guy doing 360s on the shore in a wheelchair and a kid with no arms or legs.

The thread exploded into life, a rollercoaster of sparkling comedy.

Fabiano Teles, @greencandleoz, writes, “I agree with you. I’m here to represent gay & lesbian midget kaiak surfers. You are complaining that there’s not enough footage of women on longboards but I haven’t seen a single wave of a GLBTYZMD riding mini kayaks. Would you join my cause?”

Niamh Reilly shot back, “lol, no surprises or new material from the meat head bro club.”

Fabiano: “Don’t forget evil men on shortboards represent 80% of their target market and will keep the place up and running with their dirty $ so you can also also enjoy it with freedom and equality.”

Breakdancer Bradly Harrison aka @break.yogi, “@_niamhre literally, all you had to do was click on their IG page and scroll down 🤷🏼‍♂️ plenty of long boarders and woman.”

Fabiano: “They are pre-programmed to complain and attack “the enemy” first, without even checking and they think they are original and creative.”

And so on, until the riposte from @thelovesupreme:

“Here is a woman making an enquiry about the types of surfing and female representation and you see that as an opportunity to attack her and take the piss out of minorities. I really hope you won’t be an urban surf regular, that’ll be a sure fire way of keeping the women away.”

Men, repulsive like toads and especially so when sexually animated.

True, yes?