A dustbowl cometh.

There are two ways at looking at this life we all live. The Thomas Edison-esque “There is no substitute for hard work” and the Jack Torrance “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Well, it appears as if New Zealand’s farmers, long champions up “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise” are jettisoning the way of their forefathers, leaving the field to bake under an unrelenting sun and turning to surfing, en masse, in order to deal with various life and market stresses.

Market stresses mostly due a drought cooking the land partially do to many trees cut down for farming.

Will the island nation starve to death?

Yes, but let’s read about these brave pioneers. These dancers and necromancers.

Farmers around the country are swapping their gumboots for wetsuits and hitting the surf as part of a mental health initiative.

The Surfing for Farmers group launched in Gisborne last year to offer farmers surf lessons and a healthy outlet for stress.

It has since spread to Mt Maunganui, North Canterbury and Christchurch, and a fifth group will launch at Waihi this week.

The brainchild of Gisborne real estate agent Stephen Thomson, the groups meet once a week during summer, with an average of 25 farmers at each.

“I was very much dealing day to day with farmers who were experiencing the stress and demands that their business brings.

“Seeing the statistics about farmers’ mental health which are not good, it got me fired up to thing there must be something I could do about it.”

Ah the lure of good times. The eat, surf and be merry for tomorrow we die.

Literally tomorrow, in New Zealand, of starvation.

Shocking. Stunning.

In a shocking reveal it was announced today by the Association of National Olympic Committees and International Surfing Association that surfing will not be included in the inaugural World Beach Games in Doha, Qatar just months ahead of its inaugural appearance in the Tokyo 2020 Olympiad.

Much like Japan in July, Doha has absolutely zero waves.

The World Beach Games were originally set to launch in San Diego in 2017 and include surfing alongside basketball, beach soccer, handball, karate, sailing, skateboarding, sport climbing, swimming, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, water skiing and wrestling.

Extremely beach.

In a stunning blow, San Diego’s organizers were unable to raise the necessary funds to hold the Games and punted to 2019 at which point they failed again and Qatar stepped in.

Basketball, beach soccer, handball, karate, sailing, skateboarding, sport climbing, swimming, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, water skiing and wrestling will still be included.

The International Surfing Association’s president was hoping the surfing discipline could still be held in San Diego but those were recently dashed though he remains committed to future of the World Beach Games with “full support” etc.

Across the globe in Doha, Khaleejis celebrated surfing’s exclusion by doing donuts on their entirely flat beach in Maybachs and Lamborghinis.

They will be honored by serious surfers the world over as brilliant and tactical.

"Suspicious by nature."

Big Surf, in Tempe, Arizona, is where most surfers aged twenty and up got that very first taste of our thoroughly dystopian present. For it was at Big Surf that Rick Kane wiggled and jived his way to a surf competition victory, winning a belt buckle and enough money to change his destiny forever.

Surf competitions in a pool. Who could imagine such things? But there it was before our eyes. Today, of course, we have Surf Ranch, Wavegarden, BSR Cable Park, URBNSRF and possibly still Surf Lakes though no one has seen or heard from the Yeppoon facility in some time.

A very long time, now that I think about it, and someone should go do a welfare check to make sure Mark Occhilupo and Barton Lynch’s love child is still breathing.

Speaking of welfare checks, police in Tempe, Arizona just carried one out very near Big Surf and found a dead man inside an apartment. Per the local news:

Officers were called to the scene just after 4 a.m. when somebody who was concerned because they had not seen or heard from a friend in some time requested a welfare check.

According to Detective Greg Bacon of the Tempe Police Department, the address officers were given is a rented office space, and the door was open when they got there. They found the dead man inside.

Police have not officially identified the man, nor have they said how he died. Bacon said investigators are looking at surveillance cameras in the area, as well as talking to people who were in the area when officers arrived.

Bacon said the man’s death in “suspicious by nature.”

And I’ll solve this crime right now.

Surf rage.

Oh we were promised such a bright, brilliant future with these pools. Waves on demand. Waves conjured via button but if Surf Ranch has taught us anything it is that Kelly Slater has an evil master plan to descend humanity into madness. Never before have I seen such hungry eyes, such lust-filled eyes, as I did at surf journalist day in Lemoore, California.

An infinite resource made finite. Doled out like precious gems. Not enough. Never enough.

I’m not suggesting that Kelly pulled the trigger, or plunged the knife, there in Tempe but neither did Charles Manson there in Benedict Canyon.

Speaking of “plunged” though, Surf Lakes. Any news? Any updates?

More as the story develops.