I believe!

What is there left for the most famous surfer in the entire world to accomplish? He has eleven world titles, was both the youngest surfer to ever win a professional surf event as well as the oldest, will somehow end up competing in the Tokyo 2020 Games, dated Pamela Anderson and Giselle Bündchen and created the very first barreling artificial wave in Lemoore, California.

What else can he possibly do other than become the #1 disciple of a very popular science-fiction author, elevating him from mass market purveyor of schmaltz to prophet and founder of new, exciting religion?

The answer is nothing.

So thankfully, Kelly Slater is busily becoming the #1 disciple of a very popular science-fiction author, elevating him from mass market purveyor of schmaltz to prophet and founder of new, exciting religion but maybe you haven’t seen the hoopla around Dean Koontz’s The Eyes of Darkness published in 1981.

Slater, amongst others, credits the author with predicting our present Coronavirus, now called the sexier COVID-19, nearly 40 years early.

Per Slater’s Instagram story:

Compelling, no?

And are you ready to believe? Ready to send $19.99 plus shipping and handling to Dean Koontz c/o Kelly Slater in order to take your very first step on the Bridge to Total Freedom™ (Bridge to Total Freedom™ not a registered trademark of Dean Koontz or Kelly Slater)?

Well, cool your jets, young Seaorg™ (Seaorg™ not a registered trademark of Dean Koontz or Kelly Slater).

According to the internet’s “definitive fact-checking service” Koontz’s prediction rates mostly false.

What’s True
An image shows a genuine page from Dean Koontz’s novel “The Eyes of Darkness” containing the words “Wuhan-400.”

What’s False
However, Dean Koontz did not predict an outbreak of a new coronavirus. Other than the name, this fictional biological weapon has little in common with the virus that caused an outbreak in 2020.

But to hell with facts, right?

To hell with fact checking for sure.

I’m ready, Kelly Slater. Tell us what to do next. Tell us where to send $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

Finally, a religion for The People™ (The People™ is a registered trademark of BeachGrit but not Kelly Slater though BeachGrit principals would be willing to extend the trademark to aforementioned Kelly Slater if he were to agree to ride the BeachGrit tail pad in red, white and blue in the coming Tokyo 2020 Games when he figures out how to get hisself in there…

…Buy here)!

A dustbowl cometh.

There are two ways at looking at this life we all live. The Thomas Edison-esque “There is no substitute for hard work” and the Jack Torrance “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Well, it appears as if New Zealand’s farmers, long champions up “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise” are jettisoning the way of their forefathers, leaving the field to bake under an unrelenting sun and turning to surfing, en masse, in order to deal with various life and market stresses.

Market stresses mostly due a drought cooking the land partially do to many trees cut down for farming.

Will the island nation starve to death?

Yes, but let’s read about these brave pioneers. These dancers and necromancers.

Farmers around the country are swapping their gumboots for wetsuits and hitting the surf as part of a mental health initiative.

The Surfing for Farmers group launched in Gisborne last year to offer farmers surf lessons and a healthy outlet for stress.

It has since spread to Mt Maunganui, North Canterbury and Christchurch, and a fifth group will launch at Waihi this week.

The brainchild of Gisborne real estate agent Stephen Thomson, the groups meet once a week during summer, with an average of 25 farmers at each.

“I was very much dealing day to day with farmers who were experiencing the stress and demands that their business brings.

“Seeing the statistics about farmers’ mental health which are not good, it got me fired up to thing there must be something I could do about it.”

Ah the lure of good times. The eat, surf and be merry for tomorrow we die.

Literally tomorrow, in New Zealand, of starvation.

Shocking. Stunning.

In a shocking reveal it was announced today by the Association of National Olympic Committees and International Surfing Association that surfing will not be included in the inaugural World Beach Games in Doha, Qatar just months ahead of its inaugural appearance in the Tokyo 2020 Olympiad.

Much like Japan in July, Doha has absolutely zero waves.

The World Beach Games were originally set to launch in San Diego in 2017 and include surfing alongside basketball, beach soccer, handball, karate, sailing, skateboarding, sport climbing, swimming, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, water skiing and wrestling.

Extremely beach.

In a stunning blow, San Diego’s organizers were unable to raise the necessary funds to hold the Games and punted to 2019 at which point they failed again and Qatar stepped in.

Basketball, beach soccer, handball, karate, sailing, skateboarding, sport climbing, swimming, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, water skiing and wrestling will still be included.

The International Surfing Association’s president was hoping the surfing discipline could still be held in San Diego but those were recently dashed though he remains committed to future of the World Beach Games with “full support” etc.

Across the globe in Doha, Khaleejis celebrated surfing’s exclusion by doing donuts on their entirely flat beach in Maybachs and Lamborghinis.

They will be honored by serious surfers the world over as brilliant and tactical.