Dean Koontz (left) still twisted on this mortal coil and his lieutenant Kelly Slater (right).
Dean Koontz (left) still twisted on this mortal coil and his lieutenant Kelly Slater (right).

Famous surfer Kelly Slater takes Scientology-like turn, dubs science-fiction author Dean Koontz “prophetic!”

I believe!

What is there left for the most famous surfer in the entire world to accomplish? He has eleven world titles, was both the youngest surfer to ever win a professional surf event as well as the oldest, will somehow end up competing in the Tokyo 2020 Games, dated Pamela Anderson and Giselle Bündchen and created the very first barreling artificial wave in Lemoore, California.

What else can he possibly do other than become the #1 disciple of a very popular science-fiction author, elevating him from mass market purveyor of schmaltz to prophet and founder of new, exciting religion?

The answer is nothing.

So thankfully, Kelly Slater is busily becoming the #1 disciple of a very popular science-fiction author, elevating him from mass market purveyor of schmaltz to prophet and founder of new, exciting religion but maybe you haven’t seen the hoopla around Dean Koontz’s The Eyes of Darkness published in 1981.

Slater, amongst others, credits the author with predicting our present Coronavirus, now called the sexier COVID-19, nearly 40 years early.

Per Slater’s Instagram story:

Compelling, no?

And are you ready to believe? Ready to send $19.99 plus shipping and handling to Dean Koontz c/o Kelly Slater in order to take your very first step on the Bridge to Total Freedom™ (Bridge to Total Freedom™ not a registered trademark of Dean Koontz or Kelly Slater)?

Well, cool your jets, young Seaorg™ (Seaorg™ not a registered trademark of Dean Koontz or Kelly Slater).

According to the internet’s “definitive fact-checking service” Koontz’s prediction rates mostly false.

What’s True
An image shows a genuine page from Dean Koontz’s novel “The Eyes of Darkness” containing the words “Wuhan-400.”

What’s False
However, Dean Koontz did not predict an outbreak of a new coronavirus. Other than the name, this fictional biological weapon has little in common with the virus that caused an outbreak in 2020.

But to hell with facts, right?

To hell with fact checking for sure.

I’m ready, Kelly Slater. Tell us what to do next. Tell us where to send $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

Finally, a religion for The People™ (The People™ is a registered trademark of BeachGrit but not Kelly Slater though BeachGrit principals would be willing to extend the trademark to aforementioned Kelly Slater if he were to agree to ride the BeachGrit tail pad in red, white and blue in the coming Tokyo 2020 Games when he figures out how to get hisself in there…

…Buy here)!

Air reverse!
Air reverse!

Breaking: New Zealand’s farmers leave fields, en masse, and take up surfing to deal with work stress!

A dustbowl cometh.

There are two ways at looking at this life we all live. The Thomas Edison-esque “There is no substitute for hard work” and the Jack Torrance “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Well, it appears as if New Zealand’s farmers, long champions up “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise” are jettisoning the way of their forefathers, leaving the field to bake under an unrelenting sun and turning to surfing, en masse, in order to deal with various life and market stresses.

Market stresses mostly due a drought cooking the land partially do to many trees cut down for farming.

Will the island nation starve to death?

Yes, but let’s read about these brave pioneers. These dancers and necromancers.

Farmers around the country are swapping their gumboots for wetsuits and hitting the surf as part of a mental health initiative.

The Surfing for Farmers group launched in Gisborne last year to offer farmers surf lessons and a healthy outlet for stress.

It has since spread to Mt Maunganui, North Canterbury and Christchurch, and a fifth group will launch at Waihi this week.

The brainchild of Gisborne real estate agent Stephen Thomson, the groups meet once a week during summer, with an average of 25 farmers at each.

“I was very much dealing day to day with farmers who were experiencing the stress and demands that their business brings.

“Seeing the statistics about farmers’ mental health which are not good, it got me fired up to thing there must be something I could do about it.”

Ah the lure of good times. The eat, surf and be merry for tomorrow we die.

Literally tomorrow, in New Zealand, of starvation.

Surfing stripped from inaugural “World Beach Games” as Arab hosts prove themselves “brilliant” and “tactical!”

Shocking. Stunning.

In a shocking reveal it was announced today by the Association of National Olympic Committees and International Surfing Association that surfing will not be included in the inaugural World Beach Games in Doha, Qatar just months ahead of its inaugural appearance in the Tokyo 2020 Olympiad.

Much like Japan in July, Doha has absolutely zero waves.

The World Beach Games were originally set to launch in San Diego in 2017 and include surfing alongside basketball, beach soccer, handball, karate, sailing, skateboarding, sport climbing, swimming, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, water skiing and wrestling.

Extremely beach.

In a stunning blow, San Diego’s organizers were unable to raise the necessary funds to hold the Games and punted to 2019 at which point they failed again and Qatar stepped in.

Basketball, beach soccer, handball, karate, sailing, skateboarding, sport climbing, swimming, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, water skiing and wrestling will still be included.

The International Surfing Association’s president was hoping the surfing discipline could still be held in San Diego but those were recently dashed though he remains committed to future of the World Beach Games with “full support” etc.

Across the globe in Doha, Khaleejis celebrated surfing’s exclusion by doing donuts on their entirely flat beach in Maybachs and Lamborghinis.

They will be honored by serious surfers the world over as brilliant and tactical.

Buy: Surf Star’s Beachfront House that was almost lost to the Pacific six years ago for $US2.5 million!

"This home and neighborhood hold the keys to an adventurous future on the North Shore of Oahu."

If you’re shopping for a beachfront house on the North Shore, you’ll find it hard to go past former rookie of the year Freddie Patacchia Jnr’s pretty yellow joint at 59-155 Ke Nui Rd, Sunset, listed for $US2,495,000.

Fred, who is thirty-eight and who retired spectacularly at the Trestles event in 2015 after a ten-point ride in round one, bought the house for $US730,000 in 2001.

Beachfront home ownership hasn’t been without its rainy days, however.

In October 2013, while competing at the Rip Curl Pro in Peniche, Portugal, Fred got the news that half of his swimming pool had fallen into the ocean, a victim of the natural movement and erosion of the beachfront shoreline.

A little dent in Freddie’s front yard at Sunset. Photo: Hawaii News Now

Fred’s daddy, Fred Snr, told Hawaii News Now, “We’ve asked for help and no help came … We were telling them that if we don’t get something soon we’re in dire straits. At 10:30, the pool fell. It collapsed … We lost our entire beachfront. It took a chunk out 100 feet wide by 50-feet deep. That’s close to 5,000 square feet.”

In 2020, the pool is gone, the front of the joint is shored up, and you can step straight into a front-row seat at the North Shore’s third best wave.

The sales pitch is compelling.

Watch the lineup at Sunset Beach from your front porch or ride along the bike path just steps from your door to Ted’s Bakery for a bite. Hop into one of the soaking tubs or opt for a outdoor shower when you return from hiking, diving, fishing, or surfing neighboring Pipeline or Rocky Point. This home and neighborhood hold the keys to an adventurous future on the North Shore of Oahu.

You get parking for four cars, six beds, seven bathrooms on 10,000 square feet. Property tax is around twenty gees.

Buy, examine here.

"Get mama another Yeungling."
"Get mama another Yeungling."

Watch: 10ft Great White gets swatted away by 17ft Great White as easily as small child by abusive “Florida-sized” parent!

Extremely scary.

Those tracking our current Great White apocalypse are certainly aware of Guadalupe Island floating off the coast of Mexico,  very near many Baja surf breaks. The military-controlled island looms scary, all the more because of the monstrous beasts that feed on large fish and plan the coming invasion of the United States where they will feast on the bones of male surfers.

The sharks grow to incredible sizes, 10 feet, 12 feet, 17 feet but these numbers are clinical. Cold. To truly understand what a 17-foot long Great White looks like we must see one directly compared to a 10-foot long Great White.

And witness how easily the ten-footer is dispatched. A simple flick of a rotund tail. I’ve only seen such easy work in Florida where parents grow to the size of double-wide trailers and barely have to move their arms in order to send their comparatively small children flying across Golden Corral parking lots.

Oh we California surfers are in for a good lickin’, as they say, and should stay out of the water “if we know what’s good for us” or at least ’til Big Mama has vacated the region.

Extremely scary.