The shark's manager already angling for rematch.
The shark's manager already angling for rematch.

Sweet Science: New Zealand surfer lands “devastating right hook” on attacking Great White’s nose after heavyweight beast destroys his board!


Tonight is a very big night for boxing fans as Deontay Wilder and his “Alabama Slammer” will face off for the second time against Tyson Fury, this time under those bright Las Vegas lights.

The two met last, two years ago, in Los Angeles and created an instant classic where Wilder, a 6’7 Tuscaloosa native who sports the highest knockout percentage in heavyweight boxing history. Only two men have taken him to the distance and Tyson Fury was one of them.

Though he lost by decision in Los Angeles Fury, of Manchester, England is a real threat, elusive, quick but also extra fat, weighing in at over 40 lbs over Wilder.

Who will win? The experts say Wilder by late knockout.

Likely inspired, a New Zealand surfer tested his “Coromandel Cruncher” on an attacking shark’s nose last evening, devastating the beast’s game plan and sending it whimpering to its corner.

Per the local news:

Senior lifeguard at the popular Coromandel beach, Sam Cox told 1 NEWS he and surf lifesaving captain Stuart Upjohn got a call around 10.30am this morning to say someone had been attacked by a shark about 150 metres offshore.

The pair made their way to the carpark where the surfer and his friend had arrived after the harrowing ordeal in the water.

“By the sounds of it, the shark came up and grabbed onto the surfboard and he punched it and then paddled in,” Mr Cox said.

The surfer, who was not known to be a local, emerged unscathed save for a small “paper cut” however the surfboard “had some clear punctures in it,” Mr Cox said.

He said the surfer was shaken up but unharmed, and after a checking over by the surf crew was deemed safe to go home.

“We made sure he was all good and they seemed fine. He was obviously a bit shaken up,” Mr Cox said.

And this New Zealand underdog is our surfing world’s first hero since light middleweight Mick “Eugene” Fanning unveiled his “Jeffreys Jab” five years ago and undid a Buster Douglas-esque challenger.

Very exciting and, clearly, punching sharks in the nose works but I think I’d aim for the gills if ever in the ring. Neck blows, while not as sexy, can have mildly disruptive effects as showcased by super heavyweight Ashton “Bilbo” Goggans in his 2019 Orlando, Florida victory.

Extremely exciting.

Beachfront Shangri-La: Malibu becomes “rent-free, outdoor-living utopia like Tenderloin in San Francisco!”

California, unlike most other American states, gives our brothers and sisters a friendly wave instead of a baton to the face. Ergo, utopia.

Heady days to be a vagrant in California.

From the soiled streets of San Francisco to the friendly parking lots of Encinitas, there’s never been a better time to be living in the great outdoors, whether by choice or circumstance.

California’s Proposition 47 means thefts under $950 and drug use are now treated as misdemeanours.

In Encinitas, the benevolent followers of Yahweh have set up bitumen refuges for the homeless.

California, unlike most other American states, gives our brothers and sisters a friendly wave instead of a baton to the face.

Ergo, it is now a loving utopia.

And, now, Malibu, where fifteen-mill only just gets you onto the beachfront and where Jack Nicholson, Ellen Degeneres, Halle Berry all hold precious real estate jewels, has become a new Shangri-La for vagrants and grifters.

From the LA Times.

“In the 2019 homeless count, 61 vehicles with 93 people living in them, were tallied in the city of Malibu, according to Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority. A year later, during the most recent homeless count last month, Malibu city officials say that 83 vehicles were tallied…But the presence of dozens of vehicles camped out along the coast for indefinite periods raises questions about whether they are unfairly tying up limited and sought-after parking spaces – spaces that are supposed to be available to Californians generally, and shared among them. It also presents environmental problems, as some of the RV’s have been dumping their septic tanks on the road and into storm drains.”

Glory days etc.

One word: Car air fresheners.
One word: Car air fresheners.

Press Release: BeachGrit principals (excluding that “disastrous” Chas Smith) pivot toward robust growth market strategy!

Bring the anti-depressive smell of BeachGrit into your car, office or home!

Every single time I read an interview with the World Surf League’s CEO and Lord Commander over the Wall of Positive Noise, or give one to him, I become depressed that I don’t use better words.

Words like pivot, robust (in ways unrelated to man-eating Great Whites), business, partnership, leaning heavily, markets, verticals, proliferation, Dirk Ziff, positioning, back half, solidification and synergy.

And did you catch him this morning (here)?

It’s brilliant and no wonder the World Surf League has experienced exponential growth. No wonder they’re “at an all-time high in terms of partners wanting to get involved, and increasingly looking for new ways to get involved.”

Well, while I hang my head and kick at little pebbles, Derek Rielly and our business genius James Prier are keeping their ears to the ground, fingers in air, testing the winds, sniffing and developing products in line to perceive robust expansion into the year 2037.

That’s right.

The Car Air Freshener Market.

And please don’t take my word for it. I admitted just yesterday to being a disaster at predicting anything to do with money or making money. Please. Take Instant Tech Market News‘ word as they declare “Car Air Freshener Market Perceive Robust Expansion by 2019-2037.”

The ‘Car Air Freshener Market’ research report added by Market Study Report, LLC, provides a succinct analysis on the recent market trends. In addition, the report offers a thorough abstract on the statistics, market estimates and revenue forecasts, which further highlights its position in the industry, in tandem with the growth strategies adopted by leading industry players.

The Car Air Freshener market study is a well-researched report encompassing a detailed analysis of this industry with respect to certain parameters such as the product capacity as well as the overall market remuneration. The report enumerates details about production and consumption patterns in the business as well, in addition to the current scenario of the Car Air Freshener market and the trends that will prevail in this industry.

Thems Logan words right there. Very well tuned but would you like to get in on the ground floor of this grow parakeet?


Guaranteed* to get you to do cocaine with a pro surfer.

*If you bring much cocaine and your Cryin’ Jordy car air freshener* to any professional surf contest and whisper loudly about your much cocaine.

*Cryin’ Jordy car air freshener optional.

"OMG, Karen, you've…never…done cocaine with a pro surfer? But you're such a slut……" | Photo: Mean Girls

The Surfing Purity Test: “Have you ever done cocaine with a pro surfer? Watched yourself surfing on video and liked it?”

Twenty-five questions. The lower the number, the bigger the animal you are!

It’s been a minute. I hope I remember how to do this job.

How are you all, anyway?

I went to Seattle and saw Matt Warshaw. I also went to a bike race that involved riders carrying their bikes as much as riding them. Strange doings.

I wrote some stories. Also, I went surfing once in a while. Sadly, no red bikini. But soon!

Maybe the red bikini can come out to play soon.

Did you ever take a purity tests?

Perhaps this was a girl thing. In high school and at summer camp, in bedrooms and in whispers, we’d gather around and answer a list of questions. We received a point for every time we answered no. The more points, a girl had, the more pure as driven snow she was.

Some of versions of the test emphasized petty crime. Have you ever shoplifted?

Others, and these were by far the more common, focused on sex. How many boys and girls we had kissed. How many bases we had rounded, how many times and with how many different partners. How often fingers and tongues had strayed and to which destinations.

Along came Twitter recently with a tame, even boring version of this hallowed teen tradition. Been on a cruise? Meh. Done drugs? Oh Twitter, you so innocent.

Skinny dipped? If you haven’t gone skinny dipping once in your life, have you even lived? I’d say not. What you did while you were skinny dipping — and with whom or how many — is a far more interesting question, in my opinion.

Twitter purity test.

And I am never wrong. Again Twitter, you so innocent.

What about your surfing purity? As a surfer, have you been naughty or nice?

Let’s huddle together in our virtual bedroom with its posters of Kelly on the wall and find out just how pure we all are.

It’s so simple, really.

Give yourself one point for every “no” answer. If you get a high score, you are such an angel! But really, you really should go out and cause some trouble. Life is too fucking short to be good all the time.

If you get a low score, you’ve been so very naughty.

We shall have to come up with a suitable punishment for all your nefarious doings.

Have you ever —

— Dodged a barrel
— Burned someone in the lineup
— Burned a girl in a the lineup
— Yelled at a grom
— Surfed naked
— Surfed by moonlight
— Backpaddled a stranger
— Backpaddled your best friend
— Surfed with your fins in backwards
— Gotten a surf-related tattoo
— Done cocaine in the parking lot
— Used a surf leash as a sex toy
— Skipped work for more than one consecutive day to surf
— Surfed during a blackball or in a no-surfing zone
— Ridden a midlength
— Bought surf brand clothing from a department store
— Punched someone in the lineup
— Had sex with a surfer
— Had sex while in the ocean
— Met a pro surfer
— Had sex with a pro surfer
— Done cocaine with a pro surfer
— Watched yourself surf on video and liked it
— Pulled back when you should have gone
— Written for a surf magazine

The Lord Commander (left) playing Donald Trump.
The Lord Commander (left) playing Donald Trump.

Just in: World Surf League new CEO Erik Logan describes how he plans to satisfy you!

"Accelerated evolution, not revolution!"

The Erik Logan reign has only just begun in Santa Monica but feels like its been in place since the very beginning of the Association of Surfing Professional’s transition to our World Surf League. It’s difficult to even recall Herr Paul Speaker’s voice. I honestly can no longer picture Generaloberst Sophie Goldschmidt’s face.

Her hair color.

Chief Executive Officer and Lord Commander of the Wall of Positive Noise Erik Logan’s blinding white smile has erased the past. Only the present remains.

And future.

But what does it hold?

How does it look?

Thankfully, Erik Larson* sat down with Front Office Sports and shared a singular vision of “accelerated evolution, not revolution.” Of “exponential growth.”

But what does that mean for you? For me?

For us the core audience?

Let’s discover.

FOS: How do you make sure you’re satisfying core fans with the content you’re putting out?

Larson: The league works like a lot of other leagues once you get to the last third of the season or so, it becomes about the world titles, re-qualification scenarios, and other positioning scenarios. For our core viewers, that is extremely important and drives so much of the consumption of our content. There will also be narratives born out of the Olympics that will also help craft the back half of the year from a content perspective.

While we’re leaning heavily into narratives like that, we also now have a full development slate for programming that we’re in active conversations with our platforms about. That’s for things like the Kelly Slater – HBO Sports 24/7 show.

We’re in the market right now pitching a surfing version of the Netflix show “Drive To Survive,” working with the same production company. We’re also in full production of a Kelley Slater documentary where we’ve spent the entire year with Kelly with unfettered access.

We know there is core league content that we can put out on our platforms, and then we have that from a studio perspective. Our goal is to have all of that happening in the background so we can create narratives and help create stories that connect the global surf community.

Easy to fun make but does that satisfy? An entire year with Kelley Slater more unfettered than his note-perfect Instagram account? A behind-the-scenes look Gabriel Medina waxing his board**? The “world titles, re-qualification scenarios and other positioning scenarios” yes of course but our Longtom covers those so infinitely much better than the League itself.

But, again, easy to fun make.


You tell me!

*Logan’s name changes to Larson halfway through the interview. Erik Larson has a certain ring, no?