The Surfing Purity Test: “Have you ever done cocaine with a pro surfer? Watched yourself surfing on video and liked it?”

Twenty-five questions. The lower the number, the bigger the animal you are!

It’s been a minute. I hope I remember how to do this job.

How are you all, anyway?

I went to Seattle and saw Matt Warshaw. I also went to a bike race that involved riders carrying their bikes as much as riding them. Strange doings.

I wrote some stories. Also, I went surfing once in a while. Sadly, no red bikini. But soon!

Maybe the red bikini can come out to play soon.

Did you ever take a purity tests?

Perhaps this was a girl thing. In high school and at summer camp, in bedrooms and in whispers, we’d gather around and answer a list of questions. We received a point for every time we answered no. The more points, a girl had, the more pure as driven snow she was.

Some of versions of the test emphasized petty crime. Have you ever shoplifted?

Others, and these were by far the more common, focused on sex. How many boys and girls we had kissed. How many bases we had rounded, how many times and with how many different partners. How often fingers and tongues had strayed and to which destinations.

Along came Twitter recently with a tame, even boring version of this hallowed teen tradition. Been on a cruise? Meh. Done drugs? Oh Twitter, you so innocent.

Skinny dipped? If you haven’t gone skinny dipping once in your life, have you even lived? I’d say not. What you did while you were skinny dipping — and with whom or how many — is a far more interesting question, in my opinion.

And I am never wrong. Again Twitter, you so innocent.

What about your surfing purity? As a surfer, have you been naughty or nice?

Let’s huddle together in our virtual bedroom with its posters of Kelly on the wall and find out just how pure we all are.

It’s so simple, really.

Give yourself one point for every “no” answer. If you get a high score, you are such an angel! But really, you really should go out and cause some trouble. Life is too fucking short to be good all the time.

If you get a low score, you’ve been so very naughty.

We shall have to come up with a suitable punishment for all your nefarious doings.

Have you ever —

— Dodged a barrel
— Burned someone in the lineup
— Burned a girl in a the lineup
— Yelled at a grom
— Surfed naked
— Surfed by moonlight
— Backpaddled a stranger
— Backpaddled your best friend
— Surfed with your fins in backwards
— Gotten a surf-related tattoo
— Done cocaine in the parking lot
— Used a surf leash as a sex toy
— Skipped work for more than one consecutive day to surf
— Surfed during a blackball or in a no-surfing zone
— Ridden a midlength
— Bought surf brand clothing from a department store
— Punched someone in the lineup
— Had sex with a surfer
— Had sex while in the ocean
— Met a pro surfer
— Had sex with a pro surfer
— Done cocaine with a pro surfer
— Watched yourself surf on video and liked it
— Pulled back when you should have gone
— Written for a surf magazine