One word: Car air fresheners.

Press Release: BeachGrit principals (excluding that “disastrous” Chas Smith) pivot toward robust growth market strategy!

Bring the anti-depressive smell of BeachGrit into your car, office or home!

Every single time I read an interview with the World Surf League’s CEO and Lord Commander over the Wall of Positive Noise, or give one to him, I become depressed that I don’t use better words.

Words like pivot, robust (in ways unrelated to man-eating Great Whites), business, partnership, leaning heavily, markets, verticals, proliferation, Dirk Ziff, positioning, back half, solidification and synergy.

And did you catch him this morning (here)?

It’s brilliant and no wonder the World Surf League has experienced exponential growth. No wonder they’re “at an all-time high in terms of partners wanting to get involved, and increasingly looking for new ways to get involved.”

Well, while I hang my head and kick at little pebbles, Derek Rielly and our business genius James Prier are keeping their ears to the ground, fingers in air, testing the winds, sniffing and developing products in line to perceive robust expansion into the year 2037.

That’s right.

The Car Air Freshener Market.

And please don’t take my word for it. I admitted just yesterday to being a disaster at predicting anything to do with money or making money. Please. Take Instant Tech Market News‘ word as they declare “Car Air Freshener Market Perceive Robust Expansion by 2019-2037.”

The ‘Car Air Freshener Market’ research report added by Market Study Report, LLC, provides a succinct analysis on the recent market trends. In addition, the report offers a thorough abstract on the statistics, market estimates and revenue forecasts, which further highlights its position in the industry, in tandem with the growth strategies adopted by leading industry players.

The Car Air Freshener market study is a well-researched report encompassing a detailed analysis of this industry with respect to certain parameters such as the product capacity as well as the overall market remuneration. The report enumerates details about production and consumption patterns in the business as well, in addition to the current scenario of the Car Air Freshener market and the trends that will prevail in this industry.

Thems Logan words right there. Very well tuned but would you like to get in on the ground floor of this grow parakeet?

INVEST HERE for the UNBELIEVABLY LOW PRICE of $6.95!

Guaranteed* to get you to do cocaine with a pro surfer.

*If you bring much cocaine and your Cryin’ Jordy car air freshener* to any professional surf contest and whisper loudly about your much cocaine.

*Cryin’ Jordy car air freshener optional.


"OMG, Karen, you've…never…done cocaine with a pro surfer? But you're such a slut……" | Photo: Mean Girls

The Surfing Purity Test: “Have you ever done cocaine with a pro surfer? Watched yourself surfing on video and liked it?”

Twenty-five questions. The lower the number, the bigger the animal you are!

It’s been a minute. I hope I remember how to do this job.

How are you all, anyway?

I went to Seattle and saw Matt Warshaw. I also went to a bike race that involved riders carrying their bikes as much as riding them. Strange doings.

I wrote some stories. Also, I went surfing once in a while. Sadly, no red bikini. But soon!

Maybe the red bikini can come out to play soon.

Did you ever take a purity tests?

Perhaps this was a girl thing. In high school and at summer camp, in bedrooms and in whispers, we’d gather around and answer a list of questions. We received a point for every time we answered no. The more points, a girl had, the more pure as driven snow she was.

Some of versions of the test emphasized petty crime. Have you ever shoplifted?

Others, and these were by far the more common, focused on sex. How many boys and girls we had kissed. How many bases we had rounded, how many times and with how many different partners. How often fingers and tongues had strayed and to which destinations.

Along came Twitter recently with a tame, even boring version of this hallowed teen tradition. Been on a cruise? Meh. Done drugs? Oh Twitter, you so innocent.

Skinny dipped? If you haven’t gone skinny dipping once in your life, have you even lived? I’d say not. What you did while you were skinny dipping — and with whom or how many — is a far more interesting question, in my opinion.

Twitter purity test.

And I am never wrong. Again Twitter, you so innocent.

What about your surfing purity? As a surfer, have you been naughty or nice?

Let’s huddle together in our virtual bedroom with its posters of Kelly on the wall and find out just how pure we all are.

It’s so simple, really.

Give yourself one point for every “no” answer. If you get a high score, you are such an angel! But really, you really should go out and cause some trouble. Life is too fucking short to be good all the time.

If you get a low score, you’ve been so very naughty.

We shall have to come up with a suitable punishment for all your nefarious doings.

Have you ever —

— Dodged a barrel
— Burned someone in the lineup
— Burned a girl in a the lineup
— Yelled at a grom
— Surfed naked
— Surfed by moonlight
— Backpaddled a stranger
— Backpaddled your best friend
— Surfed with your fins in backwards
— Gotten a surf-related tattoo
— Done cocaine in the parking lot
— Used a surf leash as a sex toy
— Skipped work for more than one consecutive day to surf
— Surfed during a blackball or in a no-surfing zone
— Ridden a midlength
— Bought surf brand clothing from a department store
— Punched someone in the lineup
— Had sex with a surfer
— Had sex while in the ocean
— Met a pro surfer
— Had sex with a pro surfer
— Done cocaine with a pro surfer
— Watched yourself surf on video and liked it
— Pulled back when you should have gone
— Written for a surf magazine


The Lord Commander (left) playing Donald Trump.

Just in: World Surf League new CEO Erik Logan describes how he plans to satisfy you!

"Accelerated evolution, not revolution!"

The Erik Logan reign has only just begun in Santa Monica but feels like its been in place since the very beginning of the Association of Surfing Professional’s transition to our World Surf League. It’s difficult to even recall Herr Paul Speaker’s voice. I honestly can no longer picture Generaloberst Sophie Goldschmidt’s face.

Her hair color.

Chief Executive Officer and Lord Commander of the Wall of Positive Noise Erik Logan’s blinding white smile has erased the past. Only the present remains.

And future.

But what does it hold?

How does it look?

Thankfully, Erik Larson* sat down with Front Office Sports and shared a singular vision of “accelerated evolution, not revolution.” Of “exponential growth.”

But what does that mean for you? For me?

For us the core audience?

Let’s discover.

FOS: How do you make sure you’re satisfying core fans with the content you’re putting out?

Larson: The league works like a lot of other leagues once you get to the last third of the season or so, it becomes about the world titles, re-qualification scenarios, and other positioning scenarios. For our core viewers, that is extremely important and drives so much of the consumption of our content. There will also be narratives born out of the Olympics that will also help craft the back half of the year from a content perspective.

While we’re leaning heavily into narratives like that, we also now have a full development slate for programming that we’re in active conversations with our platforms about. That’s for things like the Kelly Slater – HBO Sports 24/7 show.

We’re in the market right now pitching a surfing version of the Netflix show “Drive To Survive,” working with the same production company. We’re also in full production of a Kelley Slater documentary where we’ve spent the entire year with Kelly with unfettered access.

We know there is core league content that we can put out on our platforms, and then we have that from a studio perspective. Our goal is to have all of that happening in the background so we can create narratives and help create stories that connect the global surf community.

Easy to fun make but does that satisfy? An entire year with Kelley Slater more unfettered than his note-perfect Instagram account? A behind-the-scenes look Gabriel Medina waxing his board**? The “world titles, re-qualification scenarios and other positioning scenarios” yes of course but our Longtom covers those so infinitely much better than the League itself.

But, again, easy to fun make.

Satisfied?

You tell me!

*Logan’s name changes to Larson halfway through the interview. Erik Larson has a certain ring, no?

**Chest.


Mayor Mike also hates hot dog musubi... a very close relative of Spam musubi.

Breaking: Virulently “anti-Hawaiian” candidate Mike Bloomberg surges to lead in Democratic primary!

No large drinks... or musubis.

This Democratic presidential primary season, here in the United States of America, has seen an unprecedented attack on surfers and the surfer way of life. Who would have ever imagined that the party of acceptance, of benevolent social love, would field a candidate as viciously surf hating as Mayor Pete Buttigieg?

As Hillary Clinton before him?

Scary times for us and our families and it would behoove us all, or at least us all Americans, to crowdfund a large piece of property, fortify it, fortify it again then put signs up that declare “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here.”

I’m sorry.

I meant “Keep Country Country.”

But I worry if we build our dreamland in Hawaii it will get bombed off the face of the earth, along with Jon Pyzel* and us, because another Mayor has surged to the lead but this one hates our roots, our Hawaiian roots, and is also merciless and extraordinarily rich.

Mike Bloomberg.

Oh the horrors and… I’m currently in Hawaii right now. I won’t say where but…….. Maui. Working on my air game etc. Working on a very nice tan etc. And Hawaii’s time zone allowed me to watch last night’s Democratic presidential primary debate live feat. Mike Bloomberg for the very first time which terrified.

Students of history will recall that Bloomberg outlawed extra-large sodas when he was mayor of New York. A personal, deep-seated vendetta. A violent bloodlust.

Students of surf will know that Hawaiians favor extra-large sodas to all other sizes as well as Spam Musubi.

Spam Musubi is, no kidding, my favorite food.

But back to extra-large sodas. I fear, truly, that if Mayor Bloomberg becomes President Bloomberg his first official act will be to bomb Hawaii off the face of the earth.

We cannot let that happen.

SOS!

Save our Spam (Musubi).

*Do think Jon Pyzel ever considered changing his name, slightly, to John Pyzel in order to form the Super Team John John John Florence?


Official: Multiple “extra-vicious” Great White sharks refusing to leave Florida’s waters, shattering long-held assumptions!

No more Gorkin Flips.

Floridians have long become accustomed to three things: Voter fraud, heart-attacks via combination of Hooter’s spicy wings and hooters, amputation via alligator, Castro hating, bad math, Gorkin Flips and shark nibbles via curious blacktip sharks.

Oh those blacktips ain’t mean, ain’t vicious at all, just bi-curious, and in this day and age is that so wrong?

A crime?

Absolutely not but a larger menace has arrived and refuses to vacate.

Great White sharks.

And it had always been assumed that the extra-vicious “man-eaters” only passed by the Sunshine State en route to somewhere better, either north or south, but just-released data suggests that they are staying put, much like elderly New Yorkers and let us go to the News Press for the absolute latest.

Several large tagged white sharks have “pinged” off the Sunshine State coast in recent weeks, with a handful popping up in the Atlantic Ocean and more recently in the Gulf of Mexico.

It’s nothing new to nature, but it is novel to Florida folklore, which has commonly said white sharks don’t come here.

“I hear from people all the time who are excited because Florida now has white sharks,” said Tyler Bowling, program manager for the University of Florida’s International Shark Attack File, “but they’ve always been here.”

The OCEARCH sharks that have recently pinged in Florida waters range from the 11 foot, 6 inch male known as Nova to the smaller 8-foot, 9-inch male called Brunswick.

Both pinged well offshore of Southwest Florida this month. A third recently pinged off the Panhandle.

Coronavirus or Great White? Floridians are going to be taken down by one of the two, or maybe both, seeing that many cruise ship also abuse the state.

If you were allowed to choose, which would you pick? Death by toothy beast or death by Carnival?

Much to ponder.