Foul play suggested.
The world has now come all the way off the rails. Over 1/3 of these United States of America officially shut down. Bondi Beach put under lock and key. Europe abandoned. Lonely days and dark, for many, filled with anxieties and dread. The present unrecognizable. The future unclear.
Making matters worse, for surfers everywhere, is the greatest to ever do it, our hero and north star Kelly Slater, has gone entirely missing during The Great Coronavirus Kerfuffle of ’20.
Vanished as if into thin air.
The 11 x World Champion was last seen three days ago in New Zealand, there in preparation of the Piha Pro and let’s go there, to Auckland’s 1 News for possible clues as to his whereabouts.
Imagine heading down to your break and getting a front row seat to the greatest ever surfer carving it up on your waves.
Well that’s just what happened for some Northland surfers with Kelly Slater.
Slater was supposed to be competing at the Piha Pro this week before it was cancelled.
In a settlement of fewer than a 1000 people, word was always going to spread quickly about Slater around Pataua, east of Whangārei.
“Some people told us, ‘Are you going to go and see Kelly?’ and I didn’t know what they were talking about,” one local said.
“I looked really close, and I kind of had a bit of a shock,” another told 1 NEWS.
“Got off the bus, came over and Slater was in the water,” a disbelieving local said.
Wonderful and happy. The sort of joy our Number 1 brings with him everywhere he goes but then… silence.
Nothing.
His usually robust Instagram account has been dark since Feb. 21, the last image very cryptic.
Ahoy?
What does that mean?
Back to New Zealand, though, were the small-town locals so thrilled, too thrilled, and in a Deliverance moment, or maybe Misery-like, did they lock the champion up, refusing to let him leave?
Is he there, right now, dancing for Patauans and Whangāreians?
Somewhere else?
Why isn’t he singing us songs to make us feel better like other celebrities who cherish The People™ and imagine life with no heaven or hell on our behalf?
https://www.instagram.com/p/B95M4kNhbzz/
Very worried.
Extremely worried.
Kelly? If you need help we are here.
does this mean “Bondi Rescue” is cancelled!
He s doing what all you fuckwits should learn to do. Scoring some prime waves off the beaten track without blowing it all over the internet
Could drive a truck through the man’s nose pores
Kelly who?
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Kel (as he’s known on the farm) just stocked up with Virus Beater and wanted ya all to know that he’s safe n’ sound …
Give the guy a break and call of the dogs. Too much media and hype chasing his every move.
https://youtu.be/KzH-2NgtaZk
Take THAT, boring John Lennon! and I got plenty mores
Tell Bobby that I’m running a bit late and to keep the engine running on the spaceship.
Blood is gushing on the streets and the money changers are frothing. The ever-popular USD to NZD exchange rate is doing just what it did during the last recession of early 2009 when the USD nearly reached $2.00 NZD. It’s up to $1.77 today with a bullet. Wouldn’t be surprised if it tops $2.00 by April. Across the board, the cost of living in Enzed is very similar to Hawaii so it’s like doubling my money! Good thing for my Kiwi cuzzies that NZ gubment recently barred foreigners from buying land and property or we’d be now slurping up all your milkshakes. haHahaha … cheers https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Are you giving us the hint that you are in fact K. Slats?
He doesn’t need any help. He was just passing through, en route to his Doomsday bunker down south. He listened to Bill G. Threw everyone off his scent. Except me.
2.6 million followers….i bet 80% are bought from India. WSL get 2000 people to watch an event and this fool has 2.6 million followers…..hahahaha
Latest I heard he was picking pipis at Ngunguru, got a mate with a bach there who reckons he’s saw a bald headed fulla down at the estuary at low tide
#superfood
Imagine no hot israelis
Hitler really tried.
Kelly: “Byte me. I’m in the matrix.”
I have the beer flu.
I heard he was playing golf in Mangawhai
He’s prob in self isolation somewhere. In a cave under the water. As for that cringe worthy ‘Imagine’ lefty garbage. Give me a break. Mostly sung from their multi million $ mansions .Pppphhhttt.
I know he loves to gizzump the news but here’s hoping he’s not about to announce he has MERS
I knew you cared!