Bullish: Surf Lakes’ dystopian plunger being tooled to produce “hundreds of millions of waves every year for decades!”

Many, many waves.

This Coronavirus Apocalypse will end soon, I feel, or at least when those cowering indoors, reading scientific journals etc. find their passports and remember they aren’t 80-years-old. A misplaced passport is certainly a troubling thing. Haunting even if no imminent trip is planned.

It will end soon and the under-80s will get back to livin’. Back to dreamin’. Back to surfin’.

Of course, it may be difficult to travel for surf in the near future. Airline bankruptcies, social distancing rules, worldwide economic collapse will likely put a damper on the whole shootin’ match but thankfully the world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, has gifted humanity artificial wave technology and we will all soon be surf tripping to near-ish by industrial parks to play the Pastime of Kings.

Kelly’s team is busy now in Australia, bulldozing koalas in the most environmentally friendly way, but what about Surf Lakes there in Yeppoon. Do you recall?

It was my favorite of all the Surf Ranches due its dystopian design and how much better will that rusty plunger look now that our world actually is a dystopia?

Phenomenal.

It is still my favorite because, as revealed today, the Mad Max-esque machine is being tooled to “hundreds of millions of waves a year for decades.”

Shall we read?

Development of the system was commissioned by Surf Lakes, an Australian company that now has a full-scale functioning prototype operating in the town of Yeppoon, Queensland. A number of groups are reportedly interested in licensing the technology, which should happen once its creators have ensured that it’s ready for commercialization.

“We need to ensure the wave machine can deliver hundreds of millions of waves every year for decades for people to enjoy, and for surf park owners to confidently build businesses and developments around,” says Dr. Chris Hawley, managing director of Engenuity Solutions. “The data from the prototype testing is also being used to optimize the performance of the machine further, ensure ease of construction, improve power efficiencies and bring the highest standard of safety in design to every element.”

Amazing.

But how many waves a day?

I have been helping my young daughter with her first grade math in quarantine so let me run the numbers.

Let’s go on the low side of “hundreds of millions” and say 300,000,000.

That would be:

25,000,000 waves a month.

833,333 waves a day.

34,7222 waves an hour.

578 waves a minute.

9 waves a second.

I don’t even know if a jackhammer can run that hot.

Brilliant.