Dooma Fahrenfort stands weeping on the beach.

Now, I am fairly certain that South Africa’s most popular professional surfer, Jordy Smith, is not currently quarantining in his homeland but rather in Hawaii though he must be waking up this morning, light trades buffeting his veranda, with a heavy case of FOMO.

Fear of missing out on some of the best surf his country has to offer with only Michael February and Grant “Twiggy” Baker in the lineup.

Damien Fahrenfort on the sand trying to convince the authorities that his Wikipedia is wrong. That he is not, in fact, a “South African businessperson” but rather a professional surfer.

For the brave nation is set to reopen its beaches, its waves, with one major caveat.

Only professional surfers are allowed to enjoy.

And let us head, forthwith, to The North Coast Courier for more on this scientifically-sound turn of events.

“Only professional surfers will be allowed back into the water from Monday – but the question of social surfing at a later stage under lockdown is still up for debate.

While sports minister Nathi Methethwa appeared clear at a media briefing today that only professional sportspeople may resume training – and non-contact sports may hold matches – there would appear to be some wiggle room ahead over the “complex issue” of surfing.

Responding to media questions, Sports, Arts and Culture department director general, Vusumusi Mkhize hinted that surfing was still up for discussion with surfing associations.

“This issue of surfing, and water and the virus has been one of the very complex discussions based on scientific versions. There is a version of this virus thriving in cold environments and therefore then being a risk, that people, if they are a group swimming together and if it is a swimming games, there is a risk.

“But there are those who are saying that chlorine attacks and destroys the virus.

“On the other hand, the issue of surfing, because it is in open water, those are the issues we need to discuss for surfing,” said Mkhize, suggesting that they would liaise with the country’s surfing body, Surfing South Africa.

Oh Kim Prather, what a tangled web you wove but, quickly, what do you think counts as “professional surfer” in South Africa?

Would I, as a professional surf journalist qualify?

Would you, as a one-time local boardriders’ club under-45 third place finisher?

Imagine, just me, you, Michael February and Grant “Twiggy” Baker trading waves at perfect J-Bay. Jordy Smith crying in Hawaii, Dooma Fahrenfort denouncing business on the beach.

A dream we can make reality.

Flights from LAX – Cape Town are sitting at $1000.

"It's just so basic..."

Fame-adjacent Santa Cruz surfer Ken “Skindog” Collins is certainly having a renaissance during this the Coronavirus Apocalypse. He was thrust back near the spotlight many months ago by publicly declaring that surfers should take quarantine seriously and not participate in the Pastime of Kings until “flattening the curve.”

His position was mocked by fame-adjacent North County, San Diego surfer Joel Tudor and the battle lines were drawn.

Team Skindog on one side. Team Tudor on the other.

Hindsight reveals that the vast majority of surfers fell in behind Ken and created a heretofore unparalleled special unit of snitches, social media tattlers and surf magazine collaborationists. The curve was flattened, many were shamed for daring to paddle and victory gushed forth like the hoppiest double IPA.

Well, Skindog is back in the news again, this time posting an Instagram photo of a Great White Shark breaching off of Pleasure Point, captioning it, “FYI- Nor Cal Great White Shark population is growing. We are seeing them all over the place, even on @surfline.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/CAp-EICjtYl/

The breaching shark being a Great White was confirmed by Pelagic Shark Research Foundation Executive Director Sean Van Sommeran, who says the increasingly polarizing arguments that he hears about sharks bother him.

Per the local Good Times news:

On the one hand, Van Sommeran has heard claims that white shark populations are growing at dangerous rates—a theory floated in the caption of the jumping shark Instagram video—sometimes even prompting theories that sharks don’t deserve any protection, all of which Van Sommeran says isn’t true. (Three dead sharks have washed ashore locally in recent years—one from a gunshot, one that was hit by a boat and another that was likely killed by poisonous runoff, Van Sommeran says.)

At the same time, Van Sommeran often hears claims that all sharks are nothing more than harmless, cute sea creatures, ones that adventure seekers should chase after and try to see up close.

Not advisable, Van Sommeran says. “It’s just so basic: Don’t swim out to the sharks. It’s a large, several-hundred pounds sea creature that eats animals about your size. It’s not some cute baby shark that’s waiting for you to come say ‘Hi.’ Nor is it a prehistoric creature from Amityville that’s looking to kill everyone.”

And so, once again, we must pick sides.

Are you Team Cute Baby or Team Prehistoric Creature from Amityville That’s Looking to Kill Everyone?

Choose wisely.