Sacrifice.
Summer, in these United States of America, is marked by two features: Mama June from Not to Hot marathons on WE TV and Huntington Beach’s U.S. Open of Surfing. The former, a in-depth look at beloved reality television star June Shannon, mother of Honey-Boo-Boo-Child. The latter a ten-day stretch of August that sees the world’s best surfers take to the world’s most mediocre waves and mass sexual deviance perpetrated by young-ish teenagers and old-ish middle-aged folk from Riverside and Corona.
This year, we’ll only have crack cocaine.
Event organizers have officially canceled the bacchanal over the fear of disease transmission, flying in the face of precedent.
Jennifer Lau, Vice President of Action Sports at event owner IMG said, “The Vans US Open of Surfing has always been about bringing people together in a healthy, fun and interactive environment, and given the size and scale of the event, we can’t see a way to do that this year without sacrificing the very thing that makes it so special.”
Namely, herpes.
With the U.S. Open’s cancellation, it is almost certain that the entire 2020 surf season will be wiped off the books. The World Surf League is rumored to be trying to run the Triple Crown in December but with fears over a Coronavirus second wave and an emboldened Hawaii sovereignty movement, the plan seems shaky at best.
Will some other billionaire, an ancient foe to co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff, seize the moment and steal professional surfing for his very own? Ziff currently resides at 427 on Forbes’ updated real-time billionaire list. Just below him, at number 433, is Charles Dolan, owner of WE TV.
Imagine if he flew professional surfers out to a private island, let’s say Tavarua, with Mama June and ran both reality shows concurrently.
Ratings through the roof?
Almost certainly but who would Mama June end up with?
Martin Potter is the current odds on favorite.
Stay tuned.
