Somebody ripped my stick.

I have never cared much for Great Britain’s ruling family, the Windsors, even though my father once told me that we were 12th cousins with Queen Elizabeth making me part of that family.

Much of my childhood was spent pondering how many princes and princesses, dukes and duchesses, would have to meet untimely deaths before Sir Charles from Coos Bay could ascend to the throne.

A lot, huh.

12th cousins is farther away from Buckingham Palace than Sal Masekela is from attending Kelly Slater’s Cocoa Beach 4th of July party, I think.

But back to never caring much, since Prince Harry and his wife the Duchess of Sussex Meg Markle moved to greater Los Angeles my news feed has been littered with stories about them.

Incredibly mean stories.

Like, vindictive gossip featuring a violent sort of nastiness that I never knew existed. Really going for the throat of trying to rip families apart and make them hate each other and plot against each other etc.

I used to think I was an asshole but now realize my air kisses blown toward Herr Paul Speaker, Backward Fin Beth, Li’l Zach Weisberg, Ashton “Bilbo” Goggans, Kelly Slater’s sixteenth best friend Sal Masekela, Erik Logan’s undersized canoe, co-Waterperson of the Year and co-Owner of a Southern Plantation Dirk Ziff, etc. were so gentle as not even to register on the royal scale.

Well, that’s that.

Also, Prince Harry was spotted on a bike yesterday surf checking Malibu all by himself mere days ahead of the impending re-closure. If you saw him in the lineup would you leave him alone? Gift him a wave? Throw a loose shaka? Back paddle and send him to shore?

Have you ever fanned out on another man, or woman, surfing?

I saw Perry Ferrell coming up the stairs after surfing my local once but kept my mouth shut and my hands to myself.

But back to Ashton, how do you think he’s handling quarantine while being discouraged from awkwardly draping himself over his favorite professionals? Has he already moved through all the stages of grief or has he high-centered on the “eating ice cream straight out of the carton” phase?

Much to ponder.

"5 of the best coolers for a perfect 4th of July beach day!"

Hrd times. Or hard times if you happened to be born before 1999 but we are living in them.

A World Surf League purchased for free by South Carolina plantation owner co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff.

A virus that killed everyone and shut down the world’s economy but then started killing everyone else and shut down the world’s economy again.

Beaches shuttered though not really “enforced.”

Chris Ward still off tour.

But at least some things are consistent.

Even more than consistent.

I have not typed “theinertia.com” into my browser (sometimes Chrome sometimes Safari depending on the winds of change) for maybe a year.

I just did and oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness!

Founder and daddy’s tax write-off Zach Weisberg has hit a total consistent level of suck.

In our ever evolving world of shit this should come as great comfort.

Today’s offerings include, and I’m not kidding:

5 of the best coolers for a perfect 4th of July beach day.

Koa Rothman: ‘Malibu is more dangerous than Pipeline’

These four surfers just launched…

Etc.

Thank you The Inertia for dredging the absolute worst of surf x humanity years ago and staying true to that course.

Maravillosx.

"Don't go to the beach."

Hammers continue to fall across these United States of America as Covid-19’s dreaded second wave breaks from shore to shore. Los Angeles County? Shuttered though maybe not enforced. Arizona’s Big Surf? Temporarily re-closed.

Kelly Slater’s hometown of Cocoa Beach?

Mayor Ben Malik took the bold step of limiting parties on the beach to ten people or less and encouraged people to not come to the beach at all.

“If you are at risk, you have a choice. You know what? The beaches are going to be crowded. It’s a holiday weekend. Don’t go to the beach. If you don’t like crowds, don’t go to the beach.”

The order will stand for 60 days, through the rest of the summer, and be very sad for people with more than ten best friends.

Will Kelly Slater be there with ten of his best friends?

Possibly.

Who would they be? I think, in order of least best to most best:

10. David Hasselhoff

9. Jack Johnson

8. Charlie Goldsmith

7. Eddie Vedder

6. A golf club

5. Raimana Van Bastolaer

4. A spoonful of organic coconut oil

3. Pat O’Connell

2. A Kenny Loggins CD

1. Kelly Slater

Sal Masekela would miss the call up by six slots, losing out to a can of dolphin safe tuna and Hulk Hogan amongst others, and spend his 4th of July weekend narrating his iPhone photo album titled “Me and my best friend in the whole wide world” featuring pictures of Kelly Slater plucked from the Internet.

Sad.