Yo Kyle, I just ordered the raddest RinseKit. Dave at Surfline said it was the best rinse kit ever. Excellent pressure. A long, thick hose. Large capacity. Everyone knows that product reviews never lie. | Photo: @surflineman

Surfline Man cancels Waco trip: “I didn’t really want to go to Texas anyway. Look at those Corona numbers. It’s toxic, brah!”

Buys RinseKit, a mid-length and maybe falls in love…

For the past month, Surfline Man obsessively planned a road trip to Waco, Texas to surf the BSR Wave Resort with six of his closest friends.

Or maybe it was five.

Who could keep track?

Surfline Man plotted the route down to the minutest detail.

Where is the cheapest gas? Where are the radar traps? What time is the shoot-out at Tombstone?

Surfline Man knows.

In the process, he inundated his friends, some of them super ready to be former friends, with emails, and begged industry contacts, both real and imagined, for product.

Did Dave work for Vissla or Volcom? Did Dave ever even exist?

Will anyone ever answer the info@ email at a brand?

Surfline Man will never admit that he doesn’t know.

Perhaps inevitably, the wheels came off.

First, Kyle’s wife told him he had to stay home. The Prius needed an oil change or some such bullshit. The raddest Chad didn’t know anyone at Saint Archer after all, and Ryan’s Sprinter is in the shop again.

Really, if you just take care of your car, it won’t be in the shop all the time. Does he have to explain everything?

Yes. Yes, it seems that he does.

Surfline Man is totally over it.

He didn’t really want to go to Texas anyway. And look at those Corona numbers.

It’s toxic, brah.

He stands in the parking lot at San O, and watches his aerial dreams waft away forever. Air reverses are for groms, he tells his girlfriend.

Surfline Man is really into his cutback now. He just bought a shiny new midlength and he’s ready to style so hard. He’s going to surf like Devon Howard in no time!

For inspo, Surfline Man watched The Present over the weekend. Somehow, he missed it when it came out, but now it’s like totally his new favorite surf movie ever.

You guys, you have to watch this thing, it’s so seminal, he tells his last remaining friends.

Who needs airs, when you’ve got style. Style is what makes a good surfer, Surfline Man proclaims to anyone he can find in the parking lot.

Hey, where’s everyone going?

Yes, Surfline Man is back on his bullshit.

He awakens each morning just as the sun rises and checks every cam from San Diego to Ventura. Sometimes, just for kicks, he checks Santa Cruz, too.

He could totally get there in time for low tide in the Sprinter. Maybe tomorrow.

Some guy on the internet was all ranting about how Surfline raised their prices. Surfline Man didn’t even notice, until he heard about it on the internet. Premium is so worth it. He doesn’t care how much it costs. Just don’t tell his girlfriend!

Surfline Man would be lost without his cams and his charts and his rewind. Checking the buoys is so boring. Like, there’s just this long list of numbers. So many numbers.

Who can even make sense of all those numbers? It’s way too much work.

Where are the colors and the cool graphs and stuff? You can’t have a surf forecast without colors and graphs. Surfline Man firmly believes that there are rules in life and this is one of them.

No colors, no forecast. That’s it, that’s the whole thing.

To make up for his failed roadtrip, Surfline Man bought himself an awesome present. A brand-new rinse kit!

Dave at Surfline gave it five stars in his review and said it was the best rinse kit ever. Excellent pressure. A long, thick hose. Large capacity. Everyone knows that product reviews never lie.

Hot water for dayyyysss, brah. Bought a roll of AstroTurf, too, got it on sale at Home Depot. Just cut off a new strip and bam! A fresh spot to change. You should totally try it. So fucking sweet, brah.

Today, he’s gona go down to Swamis with the midlength.

Surfline Man watched yesterday’s session on rewind and it was so disappointing. His arms were just like, everywhere. He looked exactly like that dumb statue in Cardiff.

So embarrassing. What was he thinking?

Surfline Man is not about to give up. Not by a long shot. Sure, his girlfriend left him yesterday, which was a total bummer. But today is going to be his best session ever. That perfect cutback, just like Devon Howard, it’s totally going to happen for him today.

Maybe that cute girl he saw in the parking lot last time will be there, too. She had the coolest Ryan Lovelace midlength under her arm. Such a killer resin tint. She looked so cute in her Patagonia Long Jane.

Surfline Man can’t wait to ask her about her board. He’s dying to know her dims. And see her fin set-up. He thinks it was a 2+1, but he can’t wait to find out for sure.

Just like his cutback, they were meant to be.

He can feel it!

Breaking: John Florence, Kolohe Andino, Carissa Moore, Caroline Marks unanimously select Brett Simpson as first ever U.S. Olympic surf head coach!

The people's choice!

If we’re honest, and I think we can be here on the biggest little surf website in the whole world, very few things are more important than popularity.

Leaving aside moral fortitude, bravery, trustworthiness, selflessness, critical thinking etc., popularity, and/or the pursuit thereof, gives rise to great works of art: Mean Girls, Less than Zero, 10 Things I Hate about You just to name three.

Popularity feels good and/or bad if a person happens to be unpopular and, this morning, I wonder if Rainos Hayes, Shane Beschen, Mike Parsons and Chris “Gally” Stone all feel bad or if they selflessly feel good for Brett Simpson who beat them each to become the very first U.S. Olympic surf team head coach.

Historically significant.

Simpson was chosen over all other candidates, according to U.S.A. Surfing’s CEO Greg Cruse, after the team consisting of John John Florence, Kolohe Andino, Carissa Moore and Caroline Marks unanimously selected him.

Cruse added, “We have some of the top surfers in the world on our team. They all have their teams that they work with, year-in, year-out, so they really don’t need coaching in the traditional sense of the word. What they need is someone that they can relate to, that they respect, that they can bounce ideas off, that can calm them, or hype them up, and just get them in the best mindset. That’s what you need and that’s what Brett brings to the table.”

Very fine and Simpson should feel humbled in that “I-smashed-all-comers-and-rule” Gabriel Medina sort of way.

His stable will likely be facing Brazil’s Medina and/or Italo Ferreira in Tokyo.


Mirroring Cruse’s sentiments, Simpson declared, “I’m on the younger side of the coaching spectrum but I think it’s become relevant in a lot of sports. There’s similar views you share and when you’re working with top level athletes like this, it isn’t telling them how to surf. It’s more guidance on conditions, focusing on equipment and the day-to-day preparation, putting them in the best situation to perform at their highest level.”

Very fine indeed.

Will you call him Coach Simpson from now on or should we call him Head Surf Coach just like Steve Spurrier was called Head Ball Coach?

Much to ponder.

A Wooli cop carries the boy's board. | Photo: NSW Shark Smart

Update: Fifteen-year-old surfer killed by “ten-foot Great White” at Wooli Beach on Australia’s mid-north Coast; second surfer killed by a Great White in one month

"A really big Great White shark came up and took a bite, and he was screaming out…"

A fifteen-year-old boy has died after being hit by a shark at Wilsons Headland at Wooli Beach, north of Coffs Harbour, this afternoon. 

Mani Hart-Deville was hit in the legs by what is being called a “ten-foot Great White”.

“Several boardriders came to his assistance before the injured teen could be helped to shore,” NSW Police said in a statement. “First aid was rendered for serious injuries to his legs and despite CPR efforts to revive him, he died at the scene.”

The joint is as secluded as it gets around those parts, dirt road in then you gotta walk.

An hour from anywhere between Coffs Harbour and Grafton.

A local resident, Helen Dobra, told Nine News, “He said that he was in the water and a really big Great White shark came up and took a bite, and he was screaming out. Then the surfer said the shark came again for another attack … and another surfer actually bravely went and tried to get the shark off him and then they pulled him out of the water.”

Mani Hart-Deville. Source: Facebook

I spoke to a Wooli surfer who said he’d “seen more sharks in two months than I’ve seen in my whole life.”

It’s the second shark attack fatality on the stretch of coast in just over a month.

Queensland surfer Rob Pedretti died after being attacked by a “twelve-to-fifteen-foot Great White” at Salt Beach, in front of popular holiday resorts Peppers Salt Resort and Spa and Mantra on Salt, forty miles north of shark-attack hotspot Byron Bay, and roughly three hours drive from today’s attack.

All nearby beaches closed etc. 

Advice: carry a tourniquet, know how to use it. 

Listen: Caio Ibelli on the silky joys of Brazilian women and cavorting all over Gabriel Medina, “I feel he cries in the shower after he loses to me…”

Come meet your new favourite surfer!

Caio Ibelli is the twenty-six-year-old Brazilian surfer with the flawless patrician features and rosebud month who, repeatedly, garrots world champion surfers, mostly John John Florence and Gabriel Media, but also including Kelly Slater. 

Told he’d never be a pro surfer ‘cause he got into the game late, Caio won the world junior title in a stacked field that included Filipe Toledo, Jack Freestone and Wade Carmichael, became the rookie of the year in 2016 and has continued to be a thorn in the side of anyone who intimates that he ain’t no good. 

A little over a week after his twenty-sixth birthday in 2019, this journeyman of five feet and six inches who nobody pays attention to although they should was catapulted into the world of one hundred and thirty million souls as the bogeyman who stole Gabriel Medina’s dream for a third world title in Portugal.

Caio got hit with ten thousand hateful messages in two hours after Medina and his guy-pal Neymar loosed their armies onto the “high-voltage” natural-footer. 

All this, of course, is discussed over the course of eighty-eight minutes, with a late diversion into his life as a single man (“Every man has to get a Brazilian girlfriend,” he says, all but twirling his snout against a vulva frothed with lubricity while we speak) after his split from pro surfer girlfriend, Alessa Quizon. 

Charlie and I are grotesque, trembling the air in apparent orgasmic spasms, while Caio concusses us both with his endless beautiful bludgeon strokes.

He’ll lead your poor heart to slaughter, too.

(Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcast, Stitcher, TuneIn + Alexa, iHeartRadio, Overcast, Pocket Cast, Castro, Castbox, Podcast Addict, Podchaser, Deezer and Listen Notes.)

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Inside source confirms: “World Surf League had ‘major’ announcement planned for this week that was mysteriously scuttled without explanation!”

It's a wrap, folks.

Earlier in the week, I received credible information from a trustworthy source that the World Surf League was hours away from making a grand announcement regarding the future of professional surfing. According to shim (English’s wonderful version of Latinx), the first event of the year would be Dec. and Hawaii, likely Pipeline, and would roll directly into the 2021 season.

I waited with bated breath and…. crickets.

It is now Friday afternoon, past the hour for any announcement major or minor, and what the hell is happening in Santa Monica?

Another source confirmed that there was, indeed, a “major” announcement planned but it had been mysteriously scuttled without explanation.

And so, is this moment the official end or was the official end a few months ago?

Hard to say.

I used to assume there was some play happening behind the scenes I couldn’t comprehend, as I am not a smart man, but rather a surf journalist.

I used to assume that professional surfing’s current owner co-Waterperson of the Year and exclusive southern plantation co-owner Dirk Ziff was wise and that his CEO Erik Logan was also wise.

But they are not wise.

Ziff is likely mentally checked out, worrying about other business ventures and/or his southern plantation. Logan is in well over his head, understanding neither sport nor storytelling nor surfing, Covid-19 exploded the tour and there was, truly, nothing else in the cupboard, except for his corpo double-speak and Dave Prodan’s interview skills.

The World Surf League bills itself as “The Global Home of Surfing” but it is not nor ever was. There is no “Global Home of Surfing” except for maybe Peru, where it all began (buy here in brand new paperback and signed by author).

So it’s over and my only question to you is should I take joy in tossing dirt onto the corpse or be sad whilst doing?