Buys RinseKit, a mid-length and maybe falls in love…
For the past month, Surfline Man obsessively planned a road trip to Waco, Texas to surf the BSR Wave Resort with six of his closest friends.
Or maybe it was five.
Who could keep track?
Surfline Man plotted the route down to the minutest detail.
Where is the cheapest gas? Where are the radar traps? What time is the shoot-out at Tombstone?
In the process, he inundated his friends, some of them super ready to be former friends, with emails, and begged industry contacts, both real and imagined, for product.
Did Dave work for Vissla or Volcom? Did Dave ever even exist?
Will anyone ever answer the [email protected] email at a brand?
Surfline Man will never admit that he doesn’t know.
Perhaps inevitably, the wheels came off.
First, Kyle’s wife told him he had to stay home. The Prius needed an oil change or some such bullshit. The raddest Chad didn’t know anyone at Saint Archer after all, and Ryan’s Sprinter is in the shop again.
Really, if you just take care of your car, it won’t be in the shop all the time. Does he have to explain everything?
Yes. Yes, it seems that he does.
Surfline Man is totally over it.
He didn’t really want to go to Texas anyway. And look at those Corona numbers.
It’s toxic, brah.
He stands in the parking lot at San O, and watches his aerial dreams waft away forever. Air reverses are for groms, he tells his girlfriend.
Surfline Man is really into his cutback now. He just bought a shiny new midlength and he’s ready to style so hard. He’s going to surf like Devon Howard in no time!
For inspo, Surfline Man watched The Present over the weekend. Somehow, he missed it when it came out, but now it’s like totally his new favorite surf movie ever.
You guys, you have to watch this thing, it’s so seminal, he tells his last remaining friends.
Who needs airs, when you’ve got style. Style is what makes a good surfer, Surfline Man proclaims to anyone he can find in the parking lot.
Hey, where’s everyone going?
Yes, Surfline Man is back on his bullshit.
He awakens each morning just as the sun rises and checks every cam from San Diego to Ventura. Sometimes, just for kicks, he checks Santa Cruz, too.
He could totally get there in time for low tide in the Sprinter. Maybe tomorrow.
Some guy on the internet was all ranting about how Surfline raised their prices. Surfline Man didn’t even notice, until he heard about it on the internet. Premium is so worth it. He doesn’t care how much it costs. Just don’t tell his girlfriend!
Surfline Man would be lost without his cams and his charts and his rewind. Checking the buoys is so boring. Like, there’s just this long list of numbers. So many numbers.
Who can even make sense of all those numbers? It’s way too much work.
Where are the colors and the cool graphs and stuff? You can’t have a surf forecast without colors and graphs. Surfline Man firmly believes that there are rules in life and this is one of them.
No colors, no forecast. That’s it, that’s the whole thing.
To make up for his failed roadtrip, Surfline Man bought himself an awesome present. A brand-new rinse kit!
Dave at Surfline gave it five stars in his review and said it was the best rinse kit ever. Excellent pressure. A long, thick hose. Large capacity. Everyone knows that product reviews never lie.
Hot water for dayyyysss, brah. Bought a roll of AstroTurf, too, got it on sale at Home Depot. Just cut off a new strip and bam! A fresh spot to change. You should totally try it. So fucking sweet, brah.
Today, he’s gona go down to Swamis with the midlength.
Surfline Man watched yesterday’s session on rewind and it was so disappointing. His arms were just like, everywhere. He looked exactly like that dumb statue in Cardiff.
So embarrassing. What was he thinking?
Surfline Man is not about to give up. Not by a long shot. Sure, his girlfriend left him yesterday, which was a total bummer. But today is going to be his best session ever. That perfect cutback, just like Devon Howard, it’s totally going to happen for him today.
Maybe that cute girl he saw in the parking lot last time will be there, too. She had the coolest Ryan Lovelace midlength under her arm. Such a killer resin tint. She looked so cute in her Patagonia Long Jane.
Surfline Man can’t wait to ask her about her board. He’s dying to know her dims. And see her fin set-up. He thinks it was a 2+1, but he can’t wait to find out for sure.
Just like his cutback, they were meant to be.
He can feel it!