Breaking: President Trump tests new nickname for “Bad Grandpa” Joe Biden on night three of Democratic National Convention signaling rare panic ahead of election!

Introducing "Slow" Joe.

President Donald J. Trump of these United States has very many detractors. People who say he is narcissistic, incompetent, obese and disinterested in governing. Corrupt etc. But those who despise him most must grumblingly admit that he has a skill in calling people names and getting those names to stick.

He undid his 2016 opponent, Hillary Rodham Clinton, with one simple moniker.


It belies an enviable dexterity, an ability exceedingly useful in the art of surf journalism.

Here we have “89 world champ” Martin Potter, “Co-Waterperson of the Year” Dirk Ziff, “Backward Fins” Beth, “Hello Sheriff I’ve been assaulted” Ashton Goggans, “The great and powerful” Kelly Slater etc.

All very fine but none as instantly wonderful as “Little Adam Schitt.”

And so, Republicans must be very worried that on night three of the Democratic National Convention in “Milwaukee” that Trump has yet to land on a nickname for his 2020 opponent Joe Biden.

He has dabbled with “Sleepy” Joe, “Quid Pro” Joe and “Creepy” Joe though none have that patented zing. Last night, Trump took to Twitter to beta test “Slow” Joe.


Hmmmmm. Ok but no “Bad Grandpa.”

The fact that Trump is struggling in his element does not bode well for the campaign.

“Cruiserweight” Ashton Goggans. “You looked like Gerry out there” Ashton Goggans. “Rings on fingers and rings on toes” Ashton Goggans.

It ain’t easy but when it works, it sings.

“Ashton” Goggans.

Surfboard shaper and artist Peter Schroff responds to Kelly Slater’s shock “on drugs and sexually confused” smear: “Kelly’s gotta get a backbone over this kinda thing!”

"Kelly, as a business man and a national hero, could make better choices. So, yes, I am a thorn in his eye."

One week ago, the eleven-time world champion surfer Kelly Slater proved, again, his willingness to unholster his telephone when he opened a front on Instagram with bête noire Peter Schroff, the noted LA-based shaper and artist who has turned his hate for Asian-made surfboards into performance art.

(To see Schroff’s body of work on Instagram click Blood Feud: Schroff v Hayden Cox, Relentless: Schroff’s War on Mark PricePeter Schroff Does Yellow Face, Modern: Peter Schroff Doubles Down and Three-Way: Dorian v Tudor v Schroff.)

The owner of San Diego surf shop Happy Battles, Mark Polintan, had posted a photo of a Schroff t-shirt commemorating a 2019 show where Schroff had used a chainsaw to destroy a Slater Designs Sci-Fi. 

Kelly responded with the pointed message,

“Hahaha. Must be great to be in your mid-late 60’s, on drugs, sexually confused and dying for any kind of attention. Wonderful example to promote.”

Earlier today, I interviewed Schroff, sixty-six years old and living in a gorgeous shack in San Pedro, a neighbourhood on a little peninsula next to LAX and the Wilmington Refinery. 

Schroff asked, “What do I owe this dubious pleasure, too?”

There was a pause and he laughed, 

“I’m sure I know what it’s about.” 

So we got into it,

Schroff beginning with, “Kelly, hands down, best fucking surfer that ever lived and I’ll tell him that til the day he dies.”

I’ve been doing this work (making surfboards) for over fifty years, I have a lot of friends in the industry and I’m trying to preserve a dying breed, an endangered species. I think Kelly, as a business man and a national hero, could make better choices. So, yes, I am a thorn in his eye.

Brief pause. 

“Thing is, he’s a national hero and where he plays the world plays. I’ve been doing this work (making surfboards) for over fifty years, I have a lot of friends in the industry and I’m trying to preserve a dying breed, an endangered species. I think Kelly, as a business man and a national hero, could make better choices. So, yes, I am a thorn in his eye. Kelly has a lot more to lose than I have to lose and, you know, I’m going to die soon, so I don’t give a fuck. What I do won’t affect me. I don’t make enough surfboards. The battle with Kelly killed my business. I don’t get any benefit. I’m just sticking to my guns. Every board is handshaped and sprayed. I back up my words.”

A light laugh, as if he’d just spilled milk on his little frock. 

“It’s fun, like playing a game of pool. Everybody gives it their best shot. Each year I keep praying that Kelly wins his twelfth world title, to show how great he is. My favourite saying is, Kelly is like Marlon Brando in Apocoplypse Now. He’s off his rocker but he’s amazing. Then again, I’m off my rocker, too.”

After a brief foray into the cosmic occurrence of the number three, Schroff continues.

“Kelly’s board designs are brilliant, his surfing is brilliant, but going to Thailand to have ‘em produced? That’s my only gripe.”


“Kelly’s just gotta get a backbone over this kinda thing. Life is great. No fucking shit.” 

Courtesy @charlottekirkoffical on Kelly Slater's Instagram
Courtesy @charlottekirkoffical on Kelly Slater's Instagram

Scintillating surf-adjacent scandal rocks Hollywood as Spiderman’s ex-father-in-law, and a fellow studio head, are felled by same blonde bombshell!

A torturous curse.

Hollywood scandal has not seen much action in the Covid-19 era what with movie stars (A, B, C-list) preferring to stay home, “sheltering in place” as it were. That means typical bad behavior is tossed behind high walls and/or modern Craftsman architecture, out of public view, hidden-ish.

But today, oh today, that has all changed as not one but two studio heads were felled by the very same woman. Ron Meyer, head of Universal and Tobey Maguire’s, who once or twice played Spiderman, ex-father-in-law and Kevin Tsujihara, who was top person at Warner.

But how?

But what?

Surf, of course.

Or surf adjacent, at least.

For a blonde British bombshell named Charlotte Kirk was responsible for both oustings. I think affair related, generally poor decision making, maybe some blackmail I don’t really know.

What I do know is that Kirk entered the scene on the arm of Australian billionaire and core surfer James Packer who appeared four years ago in the very pages of anti-depressive website BeachGrit for building a beautiful resort at “the world’s best wave.

More Core it does not get.

Packer dated her briefly before introducing her to studio heads who are now jobless and quite possibly depressed.

In any case, very big news and surf, or surf adjacent, once again wreaking havoc on families, work, life.

A torturous curse.


Breaking: “The great and powerful” Kelly Slater uses his vast powers of persuasion to free Joe Rogan’s friend, workout guru and retired special operative Pat McNamara, from Instagram cancellation!

Is there anything he can't do?

It hasn’t been the best few months on the biggest little surf website for 11x World Champion Robert Kelly Slater. Once only deified here, the relationship has taken a cantankerous turn in the past few months with charges of environmental duplicity (BeachGrit) leading to Instagram cancellation (Slater cancelling BeachGrit) leading to…

…well you know. You’ve been along for the ride but it is important for us not to forget that the greatest surfer of all-time is basically a saint.

Oh, not a saint of surf journalism, mind you, but one of a much higher varietal like Tom Hanks or Jane Fonda. A celebrity saint who exudes good deeds and as if to prove my point he recently used his celebrity saintly powers to free one of Joe Rogan’s very good friends, former special operative and current workout guru Pat McNamara, from Instagram purgatory.

Per Rogan: “Great news! Pat McNamara got his page back! The great and powerful @kellyslater sent me a message saying he knows someone at Instagram, and now it’s back!”

Wonder of all wonders but it does also make me wonder.

Who does Kelly Slater know at Instagram?

What had Pat McNamara done to lose his page?

Will “the great and powerful” Kelly Slater use those same vast powers of persuasion to free BeachGrit?

Unlikely on the third question but those first two I’m still very curious. Any saints of surf journalism care to take a crack?

Nick Carroll?

Sam George?

I’ll wait patiently.

Kandui Left, last week. | Photo: Kandui Resort

Loophole of the century: Buy $1700, sixty-day Indonesian visa, surf empty Mentawais!

A pot of gold awaits…

Ain’t no finer joint to spread your eagle wings than the Mentawais.

And, for the past six months, all those skippers and resort owners working in that dazzling chain of seventy islands who didn’t swing back to their home countries in a COVID panic, have been raking their teeth across the archipelago’s erected cherry nipple. 

Want a slice of the Mentawais, as it was before the great boat rush?

Kandui Resort in the northern Ments, real close to Kandui Lefts and Rifles, a left and right pair that will make you gasp or maybe death rattle depending on the swell, has offered tubesteak aficionados a way into the Ments. 

You, a few pals, surf of a lifetime, yes? Kandui, last week.

In a WhatsApp message, the resort outlined how it could getcha into Indo and to their resort. 

Here’s what you gotta do:

Book a ten-day trip to Kandui Resort. 

Get a PCR swab test (the nose one) to prove you ain’t got the bug. 

Pay $US1700 for a sixty-day Indonesian visa. The resort has lowered its daily rate from $US295 to $US195 to help offset the cost. 

During a recent swell, a group from Bali came to the resort and, well, here are the photos. 

Got time, a little money, can find flight and don’t mind quarantining when you swing home? 

Will you ever go home?