Innovative: Famous Canadian Ryan Reynolds plans to cure baby daughter of singing “baby shark” by showing her footage of surfing mother getting brutalized by Great Whites!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

A vaccine for the VAL-pocalypse?

Celebrities… what a gift from on high, am I right? These beautiful creatures, with beautiful features, waltz the earth breathing different air, making different money, attending different parties, often coupling with each other then producing angelic little babies.

Every so often, though, our world’s collide, and we mortals can think, “Hey! I have those problems too!”

Take the most recent case of famous Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds (Deadpool, Van Wilder, The In-Laws) and his near-perfect wife Blake Lively (The Town, Savages, The O.C.). The two have been married for almost ten years and share a beautiful 18-month daughter but suffer a very common injustice.

Baby Shark.

Any parent knows the jingle, handcrafted in South Korea some five years ago, that takes hold of children and refuses to leave their mouths.

Baby shark, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

Etc.

Well, the infestation has manifested itself in the Reynolds-Lively household but Ryan has a plan on how to cure, sharing on Instagram, “My one year old daughter is obsessed with Baby Shark. All day. Every day. There’s only one way to fix this…” alongside a picture of The Shallows, a movie that focused around Lively and two other surfers getting torn limb by limb by ravenous sharks.

Fabulous, no?

I’d imagine this innovative solution would not only cure South Korean musical maladies but instill a deep fear of surfing in general.

The vaccine for VAL-pocalypse Now?

Aren’t vaccines often stumbled upon accidentally?

Very promising.

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The accused, flanked by strike force detectives, and wearing a t-shirt with a word I can't decipher (can you?), heads to the station to help with enquiries etc.

Woman charged with astonishing 749 counts of stealing $1.5 million from two-time world surfing champion Tyler Wright and brothers Owen and Mikey faces court for first time!

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

Accountant alleged to've invested $1.2 in gambling projects while "wasting" the remaining three-hundred gees.

The accountant charged with 749 counts of dishonestly obtaining financial advantage by deception totalling more than $1.5 million from Tyler Wright and brothers Owen and Mikey has faced court for the first time.

Shane Maree Hatton, fifty-three, a family friend of the Wrights, although one must now presume that friendship has become somewhat strained, was a bookkeeper for the Wright’s plumbing biz.

When the kids started to rake in the sponsor cash, Hatton took on their finances, too.

Hatton’s layer did not enter pleas to the 749 charges and she’ll return to court on June 21.

World champ Tyler was celebrating her twenty-seventh birthday when she learned Strike Force Strathwallen, which was formed to investigate the case at the behest of Tyler’s manager Nick Fordham, had raided the svelte fashion-forward blonde.

In one of the greatest press releases ever issued, and which still delights a month or so later, police alleged Hatton spent $1.2 mill on gambling and poker machines “while the rest of it was wasted.”

One must presume the cop had tongue planted in cheek, of course, for it echoes perfectly the Irish soccer superhero George Best’s wonderful quote “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

Bookkeepers, accountants, whatever you want to call ‘em, are notorious for sticking their fingers in the honey pot, although their lifespans can be shortened considerably depending on the victims.

One man who ripped off Andy and Bruce Irons for a mill, as well as another thirty or so people for a total of fifty-mill, ended up at the bottom of a canyon after a mysterious car accident.

“Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy,” Andy told me at the time.

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Second fatal shark attack in two months rocks idyllic South Pacific island and popular tourist destination!

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

Paddle boarder hit by tiger shark, follows death of swimmer in February and government cull of protected sharks only four weeks ago… 

Sharks are gettin’ real feisty again in New Caledonia, a pretty-ish archipelago in Melanesia seized by the French in 1843 and which has been maintained as a French-administered territory ever since. 

Yesterday, a fifty-three-year-old man was found dead on his SUP by a passing yachtsman, the man’s leg wound consistent with a shark attack. 

Swimming and all water sports in the area have been banned for a week. 

The attack follows a government cull of protected sharks only four weeks ago which had been made in response to the death of a fifty-seven-year-old swimmer killed in February by a thirteen-foot tiger shark fifty metres off a popular beach.

Authorities nailed twenty-four sharks in the cull, which included nineteen tigers. 

Two years ago, after a ten-year-old kid lost his leg to a bull shark followed shortly after by the death of a fisherman a few days later, also by a bull shark, authorities got out the bait and hooks and iced twenty sharks. The decision raised a few hackles at the time, a petition against the cull was circulated etc, but this time no one seemed real concerned by the cull. 

In 2016, four kitesurfer were hit by sharks, two of ‘em fatal. 

Theories for all the attacks include rising water temperatures caused by climate change making sharks change their habits, the El Nino weather pattern and so on. 

French island and their sharks, eh?

(Read: Is this the end of surfing on Reunion Island?)

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Take: The elusive Stab Magazine hiring quiz for coveted Byron Bay position (22-year-olds and under only please)!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

No. 2 pencils only.

As revealed, moments ago, one-time Venice-adjacent surf magazine Stab is hiring (youth only) for a coveted new Byron Bay position but first a quiz must be taken. No. 2 pencils only.

(Just kidding. If you’re using a no. 2 pencil it means you are old.)

Begin.

1. Air quiz | Why will the name Zoltan Torkos forever be part of surfing’s aerial history?

He landed the first backflip

He was the first surfer to land an air at Waco.

He taught Christian Fletcher how to fly.

He landed the first kickflip

2. Which surfer landed a seamless lien full-rotation air reverse to win Stab High in 2019?

Noa Deane

Mason Ho

Chippa Wilson

Kevin Schulz

3. In the 2009 Kai Neville film Modern Collective, Jordy Smith landed numerous backside Superman airs, which later became known as the _____?

Sushi roll

Froggy

French crumpet

Awkward eagle

4. Who was the first surfer to stick a no-grab double alleyoop (landing with the tail facing the beach)?

Albee Layer

Julian Wilson

Josh Kerr

John Florence

5. John Florence landed his biggest in-competition alleyoops at what CT venues?

Backdoor and Haleiwa

Keramas and Bells

J-bay and Brazil

Snapper and France

6. What Volcom surfer closed his first profile film with a tube into a massive alleyoop, and at what wave did he fly?

Bruce Irons, Keramas

Ozzie Wright, Tallows

Andrew Doheny, Lowers

Noa Deane, North Point

7. What freckle-faced Floridian invented the Gorkin Flip?

Kelly Slater

Aaron Cormican

Cory Lopez

Eric Geiselman

8. In 2011, what surfer defeated Taj Burrow in the Quik Pro New York semifinals with a hail mary frontside full-rotation, sans tail pad?

Julian Wilson

Owen Wright

Josh Kerr

Kelly Slater

9. What aerial pioneer was sponsored by a Southern California porn shop, got mixed up with the Hells Angels, and is rumored to have won the 1989 Lowers event strictly by doing airs on the left?

Shane Beschen

Kelly Slater

Kevin Schulz

Christian Fletcher

10. In 2001, what younger brother earned the closing part of Taylor Steele’s Campaign fim, largely due to his straight air hammer that closed the film?

Cory Lopez

Bruce Irons

Nathan Fletcher

Gavin Beschen

11. Filipe Toledo landed one of the biggest airs in competitive history at the 2018 Oi Rio Pro. What was it?

Alleyoop

Frontside full-rotation

Backside full-rotation

Straighty

12. What Santa Cruz aerialist was known to punt off NorCal wedges in custom Hotline superhero wetsuits?

Darryl ‘Flea’ Virostko

Jason ‘Ratboy’ Collins

Shawn ‘Barney’ Barron

Nat Young

13. Tube Quiz | One of the most memorable waves from Slater’s storied career was an air-drop to accidental layback tube, which earned him a 10 (and the win) against Bruce Irons in what CT event?

Cloudbreak

Teahupo’o

Pipeline

Brazil

14. This surfer has become known for his annual jaunts to Skeleton Bay, where in the past two years, he’s clogged our feeds with dual GoPro/drone visions of waves with 7+ tubes.

Brett Barley

Benji Brand

Koa Rothman

Koa Smith

15. Before Skeleton Bay was on the map, Ozzie Wright had the longest recorded barrel at which Indonesian wave?

Desert Point

Nokandui

Supersuck

G-Land

16. This female World Champion got a hellacious no-hand backside tube at Cloudbreak while warming up for the 2016 event.

Carissa Moore

Tyler Wright

Stephanie Gilmore

Layne Beachley

17. The heaviest-ever tow wave and heaviest-ever paddle wave at Teahupo’o were ridden by different surfers of the same first name. What is it?

Andy

Koa

Nathan

John

18. In 2018, Joel Parkinson called an air-drop to unmade tube by Grant Twiggy Baker the greatest wave ever ridden. At what big wave venue did it occur?

Jaws

Nazaré

Maverick’s

Puerto Escondido

19. This Pipe Master’s eponymously-named film is focused almost entirely on tube-riding, with sections in Indo, Tahiti, Mexico, Fiji, Micronesia, and Hawaii.

Joel Parkinson, Parko’s Pits

Kelly Slater, Kelly Slater in Black and White

Taj Burrow, Sabotaj

Jamie O’Brien, Who Is JOB

20. Craig Anderson rode a famously undersized craft at massive Nokandui in 2015. How big was his Hypto Krypto?

5’0

5’2

5’4

5’6

21. This surfer recently revolutionized tube-riding by perfecting the forehand layback.

Mason Ho

Clay Marzo

John Florence

Damien Hobgood

22. In 2017, Michel Bourez used what unique body part to slow himself down at Cloudbreak, earning a nine-point ride for the subsequent tube?

Forehead

Back

Knee

Foot

23. This surfer earned surfing’s only perfect-30 heat on a gorgeous three-foot day at Kirra by threading tube after tube.

Kelly Slater

Joel Parkinson

Shane Beschen

Mick Fanning

24. The most memorable wave of Andy Irons’ career was a backside side-slip into a gaping 10-foot tube. Where did this occur?

Teahupo’o

Pipeline

Cloudbreak

Mundaka

25. Face Surfing Quiz | Dane Reynolds made his “Dane Turn” famous at which WSL event, where commentators Shane Dorian and Rob Machado believed the 7 he received was a major under-score?

Rip Curl Pro Bells

Vans World Cup (Sunset Beach)

Quik Pro France

Reef Hawaiian Pro (Haleiwa)

26. In the Volcom film Psychic Migrations, which surfer shaped their own rainbow-tinted board and painted Chile’s left-hand points with gorgeous, abstract lines?

Yago Dora

Andrew Doheny

Ryan Burch

Balaram Stack

27. John Florence is famous for his railwork at both Rockpile and Margaret River Mainbreak. What Pyzel craft is his favorite for carving oversized walls?

The Phantom

The Ghost

The Bastard

The Padillac

28. This Australian natural-footer, considered to be surfing’s first well-paid freesurfer, is known for his long, languid carves and unrivaled power.

Dave ‘Rasta’ Rastovich

Brendan ‘Margo’ Margieson

Torren Martyn

Asher Pacey

29. What size Maurice Cole surfboard was Tom Curren riding when he did the famous cutback at Backdoor?

5’8

6’8

7’8

Trick question, it was a skimboard.

30. This Australian female earned a 10 at the 2019 Keramas event for an ultra-stylish check stall, tube, and drop-knee reo.

Steph Gilmore

Sally Fitz

Tyler Wright

Keely Andrew

31. This Hawaiian powerhouse has more Triple Crowns to his name than any other surfer.

Pancho Sullivan

Andy Irons

Zeke Lau

Sunny Garcia

32. Tom Curren famously had an incredible first ride at which right-hand point?

Lower Trestles

Jeffrey’s Bay

Rincon

Snapper

33. Which surfer performed what is widely known as ‘The Snap’ at Pipeline?

Mark Occhilupo

Kelly Slater

Andy Irons

Tom Carroll

34. What year did Occy win 11 skins at Bells?

1996

1997

1998

1999

35. Famous Australian carver, Mick Fanning, has a nickname. What is it?

White Lightning

Eugene

McMuffin

All of the above

36. Kelly Slater and Andy Irons shared an iconic final at J-Bay in 2005. Which surfer won a buzzer-beater wave, despite falling on the final turn?

Kelly Slater

Andy Irons

Neither, Parko won

Share results in comments. Stab staff sure to be reading.

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Photo: Instagram
Photo: Instagram

Re-Correction: One-time Venice-adjacent surf publication Stab begs forgiveness for its now “too American” tone; seeks to hire Byron youth in dangerously ageist job listing!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

"And please, for everyone’s sake, leave your silly surf clichés at the door. It’s not the 7-mile Miracle, it’s the 11-kilometer slap capital."

Stab magazine, once headquartered in Bondi, Australia before moving its center of operations very near Venice Beach, California, has pivoted hard back to its Australian roots and is begging forgiveness for its “too American” tone.

In a job posting that brought many tears to elderly Australian eyes, the surf website robustly apologized for past missteps…

An American team led by Ashton Goggans, Michael Ciaramella, and (recent full-time addition) Brendan Buckley came into the picture around the same time that our established Australian voices (Jed Smith and Elliot Struck) moved on from Stab to pursue personal projects. This had the unintended effect of flipping our editorial cadence from Australian to American overnight—an obvious over-correction, and one that we’re actively looking to rectify.

…before announcing its mea culpa.

With that, we’d like to announce that we’re officially on the search for the next great Australian surf writer to come work with us in our Byron office.

What will it take to help right Stab’s flagging ship?

– Immense surf knowledge: Specializing in a single area is fine, but you must have sufficient knowledge of modern surf history, culture, and competition. To test your expertise, we’ll ask you to take this quiz and include a screenshot of your results with your email submission (and don’t try to cheat by taking the test twice, we’ll know).

– Clever, efficient, and upbeat writing: We don’t care if you’ve been published before or if you went to journalism school. We just want someone who’s young, witty, and a voracious learner. And please, for everyone’s sake, leave your silly surf clichés at the door. It’s not the 7-mile Miracle, it’s the 11-kilometer slap capital.

– An unequivocally Australian voice: By globalizing our brand (and workforce), we’ve successfully grown Stab to what it is today. But through that process, we’ve inadvertently lost our Australian tone. We need someone who can speak the native tongue and reinstate Stab’s hemispheric balance.

Young, witty, and a voracious learner (improper comma usage Stab’s)?

Young?

The great Steve “Longtom” Shearer, unfortunately, need not apply.

The same doubly true for Nick Carroll.

How many other aged Australian surf writers does this sort of business discriminate against? I can think of six or seven, off the top of my head, not even counting Tim Baker.

The move to near Venice Beach to Byron, multiple years after each reached critical mass, in any case, seems very cool.

11-kilometer slap capital.

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Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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