Not a bikini or boardshort in sight. No sunbathers or flip flops. Just a faded bottle of Irn Bru bobbing along in the bollock haemorrhaging North Sea chill.
Sick of the gloss?
The PG-13, anaemic, bloodlessness?
Where do you go when you need a break from the WSL pantomime?
Where do you go when you need an invigorating sneer of lager-breathed misery?
That’s right,
Britain, specifically Scotland.
Introducing the…
[bagpipe fanfare]
….GB Surf Team qualifying event, taking place in Thurso this weekend, under the stewardship of The Scottish Surfing Federation (SSF) and North Shore Surf Club, not brought to you by Rip Curl!
Picture a solitary pop-up gazebo straining against a Highland gale. A lonely crackling tannoid struggling to be heard through another Caledonian downpour. Thermos flasks full of steaming hot salted porridge.
Red Bull? Ge’ tae fuck.
This is the grim-faced antithesis of the WSL sheen.
The basement hardcore show to the Duran Duran arena show happening downtown.
Not a bikini or boardshort in sight.
No sunbathers or flip flops or wrap-arounds.
Just a faded bottle of Irn Bru bobbing along in the bollock haemorrhaging North Sea chill.
Current Magic Seaweed forecast for Thurso East this Saturday? Eight-to-twelve feet. Brief snow flurries. Winds at 16mph. Zero-to-two degrees celsius.
Sunday temperatures set to max out at a sweltering five degrees; it is technically spring after all.
Shut down the lastminute.com tab you just opened though because due to current Covid guidelines spectators will not be allowed at the contest, but the event will be livestreamed on the SSF website.
No excuses. Aussies and ‘Mericans set your alarms accordingly. If you’re not two tinnies of Tennents in by the end of the first heat you’re a Tory.
From said website: “The event will bring the home nation surfing federations of England, Scotland and Wales together as their surfers (4 men and 4 women from each federation) battle it out for the 6 spots on the GB Team going to the Olympic qualifier in May ahead of surfing making its long-awaited debut at the delayed 2020 Tokyo Olympics this summer.”
Much hype. No mention of Northern Ireland though.
Are there no potential Olympian surfers from the six counties? Potentially contentious. Best not to delve into that particular can of worms.
Re: expectations for Team GB surf at Tokyo 2020: Great Britain ranked twentieth at the 2019 World Surfing Games so let’s just say… cautiously optimistic.
As for catchy team nicknames? Not much exotic and menacing marine-life lurking round the British Isles.
But of course; the weever fish!
Nasty little sod, lurking the sand, ready to ruin the day of some unsuspecting wanker.
More as the story develops.
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Aaaah Tennents Super. That takes me back. I think that two was my limit back in the 90’s and then you would find me in the nearest gutter.
are what’s the forecast for beachcombers? i tune in for the progressive displays of beachcombing, where the performance gap between women (traditional practitioners and masters of the realm) and men is virtually nil these days. we’ve been busting thru the glass ceiling of late, particularly on beaches of consequence. sounds like the forecast is lining up to make thurso pretty fucking consequential. can’t wait to see what the boys will do! do they have the balls to to just whip around and have a comb. we’ll see.
Chas + Derek, is this a good time to suggest a Beach Grit Comb? Hurley has skincare. Corner the market on men’s haircare. We’ll sponsor Kelly’s scalp, Owen’s cul-de-sac, and John’s chin-pubes to have the best team in the game. You’re welcome, in advance.
I tried to surf Thurso East once in a howling rainstorm. Everything was grey; sky, sea, waves, land. My shite eyesight blurred it all out and I didn’t realise the long shore rip was taking hold of me. Half an hour later o paddled into shore wondering where all the waves went. Walked up the rocky coast to find the guys I’d only met the night before angry that I’d drifted off and wondering where the fuck I’d gone.
Oh well.
Drive home and found a bunch of mushies on the way down to share with the brothers.
The Scots mostly and quite rightly hate the tory scum, so it’s just a nation-specific way of saying if you haven’t sunk two tennent’s by the end of the heat you’re a cunt. Hope that helps.
They should call themselves after some invasive species
With their origins from the House of Plantagenet …..
Maybe some type of noxious annoying weed would be ap
RHODODENDRON PONTICUM for example or
Rhod Cum for short ( and short boarders )
That bloody plant is all over the place, apparently introduced by Victorian era gardeners! It is beautiful though!
Because you may get to surf Thurso East without the crowd?. 😂
I just drove 1hour through a blizzard to surf 20 cm frozen dribble in the Baltic , on Easter Monday …..
I would run naked through the same blizzard to surf at Thurso !
A fine frozen festival of McFroth ….but I am 1/2 McDowall so maybe I am biased ?
I know accuracy isn’t paramount on this website, and no one really gives a fuck about Great Britain, but just thought I’d add a footnote about your can of worms Miskelly. Great Britain is Scotland, England, Wales, it includes the largest landmass in the British Isles: Britain. The British Isles is all of the fuckers, thousands of islands including such gems as the island of Ireland (North and Republic of), Lewis/Harris and, not so good, Guernsey. Finally, and not to be confused with Great Britain, is the United Kingdom. Scotland, England, Wales and Republic of Ireland.
As convoluted as Derek’s sexual fantasies.
What’s ‘not so good’ about Guernsey eh? Good enough for Victor Hugo.
I’m sure it was lovely back in the 19th century. These days it’s 60,000 yacht owners clinging to rock.
Hugo would Go !
The Republic of Ireland is not part of the United Kingdom, and the term British Isles is a controversial term
I can feel the words of Calgacus burning upward , screaming from every molecule …
“They plunder, they slaughter, and they steal: this they falsely name Empire, and where they make a wasteland, they call it peace.”
Fuck! The last thing you want to do when schooling someone is have a blatant error. Yeah not quite sure how that snuck in there, obvs meant Northern Island. In the spirit of BG I’ll leave my typo in there.
Good man, it was all going so perfect. The British Isles term doesn’t bother me personally, as I believe it to be a geographical term for the region, but yeah, everything is a can of worms these days. Unrest again last night in Belfast, Northern Ireland needs to get its shit together!
Well done Jrilla
It is a brave man , who says sorry ….
It is an even braver Nation , who says sorry .
The Trainspotters?
Got to get Chazz away from running to go take a look.
Working on a profile of one of the three Scottish guys in the mix, so was thinking of heading up for that, but got enough material really so I might only be making it harder for myself.
And I’ll have you know the day before yesterday I happened to go for a surf instead of a run…
(Edited for security!)
Running the wrong way, but yeah acceptable otherwise.
Yeah, for me too!
Was being a snide bastard
Nah, you were totally right! But it doesn’t matter anyway since it’s flat there 364 days a year!
Gotta love a rare bird
I can’t see the photo now, but…
Can’t be…
Morning or evening?
Use a mirror and you’ll be right as rain in no time .
Jebus’s tartan.
I’ve never caught auld Alba that good.
Mind you, I mostly gave up over there.
Boyd? Nice guy.
Yeah he is, but no – Scratch (the other Mark).
Fuck that looks good. Legit? not some trick “photo”? I’ve been going right for three days on the trot. Over it.
Legit. But never seen it anything like that before. A once a year thing, maybe less.
Please tell us you went out on that day ….
That particular pic was taken by my mate before I got there, but I hightailed it up the road and got it while it was still working.
Repent sinner ….and be received at the LEFT HANDER of the Father .
The water doesn’t look brown enough
Otherwise perfect ….
A little too sunny as well and didn’t recognize the northern skies without the cloudy things