Breaking: Australia’s deadly Irukandjis opt to skip World Surfing Games opening ceremonies as Covid-19 cases spike bravely putting their Olympic dreams on the line!

Chas Smith

By

Bleak.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy and that all took a nasty turn quickly. As you know, the World Surfing Games in El Salvador kicked off yesterday under a grey cloud of frustration and rage. The International Surfing Association, which is in charge of the Olympic qualification, and its chief, Fernando Aguerre, had pressed advantage ahead of the Tokyo Games in wresting power back from the World Surf League and was forcing every Olympic-bound surfer to attend the entirely of the World Surf Games including the opening and closing ceremonies.

Kelly Slater exempted due a years old foot injury.

The WSL and Surfers’ Union were allegedly furious about the power grab and tried to assuage Aguerre in many ways, hoping they might be able to change his mind and not have those already qualified WSL surfers travel excessively.

No dice.

And now all the surfers are there but, as unluck would have it, Covid-19 cases are said to be raging amongst the competitors forcing Australia’s deadly Irukandjis to opt to skip the opening ceremonies thereby putting their Olympic dreams on the line.

Per Surfing Australia’s Instagram post:

@theirukanjis have arrived safely in El Salvador and are self isolating amidst the news of active Covid cases in and around the @isasurfing World Surfing Games. On the advice of @ausolympicteam the team did not attend the Opening Ceremony to mitigate risk. The team is optimistic regarding the current situation. @owright @stephaniegilmore @sally_fitz @julian_wilson @ryancallinan

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Do you think chief Aguerre will bend on his initial demands of full participation or strike the Australian team from Tokyo thereby breaking the heart of a nation?

Also, that hotel lobby looks pretty bleak. I can just picture the rooms featuring boxy televisions with three Spanish language channels and a fan spinning languidly overhead.

Live footage of Ryan Callinan enjoying isolation?

Maybe Sally Fitz?

Bleak.

But also important as Aguerre has promised surfing, and the World Surfing Games, will bring peace to Ireland and England.

Worth the pain.

Taj Burrow in 1999, shot for Transworld by the great Steve Sherman aka @tsherms.

Much-loved world number two surfer launches wild anti COVID vaccination fusillade; tells 326,000 followers, “Wake up and stand up Australia!!! Do not get the poisonous needle!!”

Derek Rielly

By

No jab for Tez.

The two-time runner-up to the world surfing title, Australian Taj Burrow, has issued a dire warning to his 326,000 followers, writing of the folly of inoculation against the, likely, man-made and imported from China virus COVID-19.

Using his Instagram story function, Burrow, who is a few weeks off hitting forty-three can y’believe, don’t it make you feel old etc, ran, first, this.

Then.

And, some comedy, “The greatest!!!” he writes.

 

And, TB suggested y’watch Doc Ryan Cole’s slam dunk on a disease that kills, almost exclusively, the old and the fat.

Interesting times, as they say.

Aguerre (pictured) choked up at prospect of making peace between English and Irish.
Aguerre (pictured) choked up at prospect of making peace between English and Irish.

Report: Bad blood gushing in El Salvador ahead of World Surfing Games as furious Olympians, forced to compete, point to Kelly Slater’s exemption as patently unfair!

Chas Smith

By

"Once again, we will get to unite the world in peace through our sport’s community, youth, and love."

Well well and well, the World Surfing Games kick off today in beautiful El Salvador, sun shining overhead, waves lapping coarse shores, but reports coming out of El Sunzal and La Bocana, which infuriated Huntington Beach by dubbing itself Surf City, are filled with frowns and wailing.

Much gnashing of teeth.

As you know, International Surfing Association chief Fernando Aguerre, who’s organization is in charge of selecting Olympic qualifiers, forced every Olympic hopeful to attend the entire event, from opening ceremonies to closing ceremonies. Even those who have already qualified through the World Surf League Championship Tour like Australia’s deadly Irukandjis.

The WSL and Surfers’ Union have, apparently, fought hard for those already qualified not to have to make the trip to El Salvador in this still-exhausting time of Covid, attempting to placate Aguerre in various and sundry ways, but he was having none of it.

“The surfers must surf and march and flag wave in El Salvador!” is a relatively accurate summation of his general line.

“Except Kelly Slater!”

Frustration has continued to mount over Slater’s doctor’s note for a years old foot injury, exempting him from traveling to El Salvador but not from barreling in Hawaii or the upcoming Surf Ranch Pro presented by Corona. Joanne Defay has allegedly been given a doctor’s pass allowing her to pool but not Salvador too.

Bad blood running in the gutters.

Aguerre, unbent, released the following statement..

“These are historical times for surfing. We will crown ISA World Surfing Games champions and complete the qualification for the Tokyo 2020 Games. Once again, we will get to unite the world in peace through our sport’s community, youth, and love. While we had to wait a year, the 2021 edition of the World Surfing Games will certainly be one of the most special in history. It has been a challenging time for all around the world, but we have demonstrated our resilience. Our sport and community are stronger than ever. From a record number of women, to the world’s best surfers flying their flags, there are many reasons to be excited about what this event and the future of surfing behold. I would like to give a huge thanks to the Government of El Salvador, the organisers of the event, as well as to the people of El Salvador for the warm welcome and strong support.”

I suppose if surfing’s Olympic debut will unite the world in peace, youth and love then a few hurt feelings are worth it.

No?

Surfline believes so, running the biggest banner ads I have ever seen in my life featuring a video presentation of chief Aguerre.

At time of publication, 966 people have viewed.

Surfline, man. Let’s double it for them. Aguerre seems like a sweet guy, bringing peace between the English and Irish etc.

Do your part to end The Troubles here.

Teller (pictured top left) with other famous friends, happier times.
Teller (pictured top left) with other famous friends, happier times.

Breaking: Famous-adjacent actor Miles Teller false cracked in Maui, experiencing the gift of aloha while allegedly screaming “I’m going to press charges!”

Chas Smith

By

Spam musubi.

Well heck. What a rough end to an altogether rough week. Malibu inflamed in war, ex-professional surfer Matt Wilkinson caught up in scandal, and now, per just released reports, famous-adjacent movie star Miles Teller experiencing the gift of aloha whilst on Maui, screaming about pressing charges.

Uh oh.

And per those just released reports, Teller was vacationing with his wife Keleigh Sperry (maybe a relation to the shoes), Shailene Woodley (star of Hawaiian film The Descendants) and her fiancé disgruntled Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

They were out, according to law enforcement, at Monkeypod Kitchen, when Teller had to use the restroom and did so, I’m sure providing some amount of pleasure except when he was there he became punched directly in the face.

A classic false crack.

According to TMZ, “The man who punched Miles was a wedding planner who claimed Miles owed him $60,000 for services he performed for Miles’ wedding in Maui back in 2019. Our eyewitnesses claim the man was complaining to Miles he had not gotten paid.”

No one was arrested.

Hawaii.

Amirite?

One-time surf personality Ashton Goggans would certainly approve of the pressing charges.

More as the story develops.

“What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.”
“What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.”

Watch: Shane Dorian, Keala Kennelly, Billy Kemper and other notables share dark secrets in masterful Monster Energy Big Wave Sessions!

Chas Smith

By

Not to be missed.

Tomorrow morning at 11 am Pacific Standard, 2 pm Eastern, ABC will air the entirely compelling Monster Energy Big Wave Sessions in these United States of America. And it is easy to, sometimes, forget there is surfing productions beyond the WSL. Filmmakers, storytellers to use the parlance of WSL CEO Erik Logan, who can weave a narrative out of surfing’s various and sundry strands.

Tales for the masses, yes, as ABC (American Broadcasting Corporation) is network television but tales for us grumpy locals too.

Emmy Award winner Paul Taublieb is one such storyteller and in charge of tomorrow’s program.

Taublieb, co-creator of ESPN’s X-Games, producer and creative director for MotoGP spectacular Fastest narrated by Ewan McGregor (one of my very favorite actors) and aforementioned Emmy Award winner for ESPN’s Hawaiian: The Legend of Eddie Aikau, applies his iconic style to big waves and their surfers.

What will we learn?

Rumor has it that the Big Island’s own Shane Dorian will announce his retirement, Keala Kennelly will speak to her bi-polar diagnosis and Billy Kemper will recount the harrowing Morocco accident wherein he almost perished but this time not long and drawn out into five episodes.

Short and to the point, the way better stories are told.

We will also see Kai Lenny risking life and limb, swimming into the impact zone in order to fetch a loosed tow board just so no one else will be able to learn his dimensional secrets. What’s he hiding?

Mark Zuckerberg?

Find out tomorrow.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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