Breaking: Crocodile Dundee grows furious over homeless encroachment in Venice Beach, posts bold sign on front gate reading “THIS IS MY HOUSE NOT YOURS!”

Beat it, kooks.

It seems like only yesterday that one-time Australian surf publication Stab based itself very near Venice Beach, California, likely hoping that some of the neighborhood’s pop chill would rub off and bring must prestige.

The plan did not work, as Venice was already well past its prime, many homeless filling the void, mingling with leftover hipsters in  wide-brimmed hats, lightly tattered Black Flag t-shirts, chubby hands with many rings.

Impossible to tell who was who.

Stab shuttered itself behind a premium paywall before giving up entirely, moving to well past its prime Byron Bay back in Australia.


Unaffiliated with Stab but also one-time Australian Paul Hogan, who made himself very famous by playing the iconic Crocodile Dundee, also lives in Venice but unlike the surf publication, has been there for decades and decided to stay and fight the invading horde. Beat reporters snapped photos of him this week marching furiously outside his paywall and posting a note reading “THIS IS MY HOUSE NOT YOURS” to it, written in red Sharpie.

Later he reemerged and underlined the words MY HOUSE.

Tyler Proctor, a politician who lives locally, empathizes with Hogan describing the neighborhood as “hell on earth,” continuing, “His house is like a fortress and it needs to be. I can see why [he] wants to move out.”

At time of printing, there is no word if the homeless are staging a massive anti-Australia protest, burning Akubra hats on his doorstep etc.

More as the story develops.

The feral kid from Mad Max (pictured) was not at the protest.
The feral kid from Mad Max (pictured) was not at the protest.

Enraged children, parents, take to the streets in Maui demanding the return of surf competitions: “These kids just want to go out there and chase their dreams and it’s tough to chase their dreams when they don’t know how they’re doing unless they’re in front of a judge with a hooter going off!”

Give us surf!

Quarantine hardened children and their parents took to the streets in Lahaina, Maui yesterday afternoon demanding the resumption of surf competitions and terrifying tourists with colorful signs reading “Let us surf!”

News of the protest, which spread like wildfire across the island via Hawaii’s famed coconut wireless, was in direct response to elected officials allowing soccer and other outdoor sports to resume while not lifting the ban on formal, competitive surfing.

Famous big wave surfer and snowboarder Ian Walsh, who sponsors the annual Menehune Mayhem competition, told Honolulu’s Star-Advertiser, “There’s water polo events, there’s soccer events, there’s baseball events, there’s basketball events, and I think with all those events operating, there should not be a ban on amateur events for surfing or other ocean activities, whether it be canoe regattas, Junior Lifeguards or whatever that might be. We just want to give these kids a chance to surf. A lot of them don’t have other sports; surfing is their primary outlet, and they’ve been standing by the wayside for some time. With these other events being able to operate successfully, we’re hopeful that they will allow us to put these events on for the kids.”

Zolten Poulsen, the to U12 surfer in Hawaii, was at the protest and told the local ABC news outlet, “Surfing is really an amazing sport it’s super fun super exciting when we get to compete and with COVID that got taken away.”

His father, Eric, added, “These kids just want to go out there and chase their dreams and it’s tough to chase their dreams when they don’t know how they’re doing unless they’re in front of a judge with a hooter going off.”

April Colpas, whose eighth grade daughter competes, felt incensed that she has to sit on the couch while blow-ins are allowed to do as they please, seeing crowds of them, maskless etc. lining up for boats and parasailing adventures.

“Our jaws just dropped. It was actually the first time it was in our face that you don’t get to compete, but all these people who are visiting, they’re coming here, spending money, and they get to line up for a freakin’ boat ride when my daughter can’t even do a four-man heat? It doesn’t make any sense.”

Jodi Leong, spokesperson to Hawaii’s governor David Ige, feeling the intense pressure issued a statement reading, “Gov. Ige is currently working through the details and is expected to make an announcement soon.”

Seriously, though, how are youth surf competitions still not happening in Hawaii?

Is it the World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s fault for making a mockery of the state’s Covid-19 protocols way back in December?

It totally is, isn’t it.

Sorry, kids.

Killer Great White shark likely fifteen-foot “local” nicknamed Bruce; surfer tried to warn others before dying in shallow-water attack; fisherman on jetski says he was “confronted” by “huge” amount of blood in the water

“Bruce has been swimming around there for years now finally big enough to attack someone. RIP old mate”

On a pretty autumn morning on a particularly dreamy slice of Australian coastline yesterday, a fifty-nine-year-old surfer was killed in front of his mates by a fifteen-foot Great White.

Locals were familiar with the animal, posting on Facebook, “Bruce has been swimming around there for years now finally big enough to attack someone.”

(The name Bruce refers, of course, to the nickname given to the mechanical Great White in the 1975 film Jaws, sourced either from director Steven Spielberg’s accountant Bruce, who kept balking at the cost overruns on the fake shake, or Spielberg’s lawyer, also called Bruce.)

Fisho Michael Guest, who was on a jetski nearby, told morning TV,

“People just started pointing and yelling at me. I zipped over to just around the corner of the break wall to see what was going on. I didn’t know if somebody was drowning. Then this gentleman said, ‘There’s a guy getting attacked by the shark over there’. Hearing those words straightaway, I just… flattened the throttle on the jet ski. It wasn’t a nice thing to see, to be perfectly honest. I couldn’t believe there was so much blood in the water.”

Three other surfers dragged the man to the beach. 

“They pulled the gentleman up, lifted him up around water level,” said Guest. “I could see the horrific injuries that had occurred. Even though it’s a big animal, I don’t know where it was, it was obviously just there somewhere. I didn’t see the shark but the damage was done.”

Last year was the deadliest year for shark attacks in Australia since 1923, pointedly the worst for surfers in the country’s history: five fatals out of the eight, all of ‘em by Great White. 

Much hand-wringing in media. Climate change done it and so on. 

From a BBC story, Is Australia Really Seeing More Shark Attacks?,

Scientists know that climate change is affecting ocean current movements and weather patterns. Depending on its impact, Associate Prof Hart said, we could in future “potentially see an increase or equally a decrease in shark attacks perhaps in response to those changing environmental variables”

No mention, of course, of the mathematics of what happens when you protect an apex predator for twenty-two years.

After the fourth attack on a surfer last year, and just before a Gold Coast real estate agent was hit and killed at the Superbank, Steve “Longtom” Shearer asked,

Are we at a tipping point where we say, maybe it’s time to take the gloves off? 

“By accident and on purpose, an almost ideal world for the White shark has been created. Protected in Australia since ’99, but likely, according to the supplementary material on the CSIRO population study, to have faced decreasing threats from humans since the late 80’s, bolstered as adults by increases in whale and seal numbers. Boosted as juveniles and sub-adults by decreases in commercial fishing in NSW and the establishment of marine parks along the Australian coastline. We’ve created a world tailormade for our old pal the White shark.

“But if you create such a world, and the White Shark Recovery Plan makes clear such a world is a desirable and wondrous thing then ain’t there a slight ethical obligation to consider the kiddies and old sea dogs who wind up in the jaws of nature’s most long lived apex, opportunistic predator?

“The people who have to drag them in, watch them turn grey while they wait for the chopper to arrive?

“The Mums, Dads, school mates, drinking pals, girlfriends and boyfriends etc etc etc?

“Is there an end state where we can say, OK, too many, let’s go fishing?

“I almost daren’t say it, but it feels like we could be close.”

After yesterday’s fatal attack by a Great White, the first for 2021 though certainly not the last, the smart money is on… never. 

For despite everything, despite the overwhelming evidence that Great Whites patrol beaches in abundance and with impunity, nothing, not the roll call of surfers dying, literally, in the mouths of sharks, including a seventeen-year-old girl and a fifteen-year-old boy, will shift a perception in the essential perfection and mythology of the Great White. 

This morning, an eight-foot Great White was caught a few hundred metres away from the sight of yesterday’s attack.




One local resident, Kellie Hilder, told the Daily Telegraph her kid Chloe had given up surfing Tuncurry’s clean little tubes ’cause of the Great Whites.

“For the past six months she’s been too scared to go out there. There are so many sharks she’s given up surfing.”

Photo: Encyclopedia of Surfing
Photo: Encyclopedia of Surfing

Zombie website Surfer infuriates fanbase by promoting tobacco-less nicotine lozenges, profiling surfers who dabble in pottery: “Severson would be rotating wildly in his grave!”

Extremely unnatural.

It seems years ago, now, that the august Surfer magazine was shuttered overnight, furloughing its staff, ending a near 60 year run as “the Bible of the Sport,” though in reality it has only been seven-ish months.

At the time, legendary photo editor Peter Taras wrote, “It’s really hard for me to put into words right now the feelings. I’m a weepy mess. I taught. I was taught. I cared so much for all the creatives I worked with over the years. We were family.”

Very sad, indeed, but life goes on and, apparently, Surfer has too as a “zombie website.”

Zombie websites, those that have been purchased or traded hands, killed, brought back to life as vehicles for dark purposes, are ubiquitous in or modern media landscape.

Surfer, an empty flesh shell of itself, is currently pushing out a new series called Velo Road Trip: Beyond Boundaries. A “cross-country adventure bringing you access to individuals who are experiencing life beyond the boundaries, pursuing their passions and striving to make a difference in their local communities.”

The latest offering features a La Jolla local who is passionate about pottery and the way he has shifted his life-work balance into a life-life balance.

Per the piece:

Any surfer worth his or her salt knows that mums the word when it comes to sharing any of their go-to spots. And we promised Joe we wouldn’t spill the beans on his home turf. That said, San Diego is home to endless miles of surf for beginners and experts alike. The picturesque beauty and SoCal sun makes San Diego a year round destination for surf enthusiasts from the world over.

I was forwarded by an ex-Surfer editor and famous author who wrote, “Severson would be rotating wildly in his grave.”

I assumed over the wanton practice of surf pottery sponsored by some road bicycle brand but scrolled to the bottom of the piece and read the single comment to make sure.

Why is Surfer promoting nicotine products? This is shameful, I will never visit this website again.

Velo is a nicotine product?

Scrolling back up, I read, “VELO nicotine pouches are small white pouches that are tobacco-leaf free. Available in multiple different flavors and strengths, with VELO pouches there’s no smoke and no hassle. The best part? You can enjoy nicotine pouches virtually anywhere.”

Extremely unnatural.

Australian man ignites outrage, grief, by surfing a giant crocodile: “If this stunt is the ‘most Aussie thing ever,’ we should be ashamed!”

"The last thing Australian animals need is also to be stood on by grown men looking for attention."

An Australian man caused much outrage, grief, days ago when a blurry image of the nameless legend appeared on Reddit surfing a giant crocodile. It was captioned “Most Aussie Photo I Have” though deleted 24-hours later but not before the press grabbed hold leading to much outrage, grief.

Described as a “tradie,” the man is wearing short pants, no shoes and a classic high visibility jacket. The crocodile is sporting a rope from his jaws to the man’s hands.

Pundits declared the crocodile was either “trapped” or “drugged” or “dead.”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not to be confused with The People™, immediately weighed in with spokesperson Emily Rice declaring, “If this stunt is the ‘most Aussie thing ever,’ we should be ashamed. Animals are not surfboards, and we should no more be applauding a person who ‘surfs’ on a crocodile than we should applaud jockeys who whip horses or marine park trainers who torment dolphins. The last thing Australian animals need is also to be stood on by grown men looking for attention.”

Imagine if PETA watched the World Surf League broadcast from Rottnest Island and learned that the endemic quokkas are fed lots of junk food and used solely for selfies with ’69 World Champion Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew (quokka pictured in foreground).

Very cute.

Australia is, in any case, still said to be reeling from the photo. It is being whispered that whoever shaped Taj Burrow’s Rottnest board is considering joining the “last-thing-Australian-animals-need-is-to-be-stood-on-by-grown-men-looking-for-attention” lawsuit.

More as the story develops.