Breaking: Crocodile Dundee grows furious
over homeless encroachment in Venice Beach, posts bold sign on
front gate reading “THIS IS MY HOUSE NOT YOURS!”
By Chas Smith
Beat it, kooks.
It seems like only yesterday that one-time
Australian surf publication Stab based itself very near
Venice Beach, California, likely hoping that some of the
neighborhood’s pop chill would rub off and bring must prestige.
The plan did not work, as Venice was already well past its
prime, many homeless filling the void, mingling with leftover
hipsters in wide-brimmed hats, lightly tattered Black Flag
t-shirts, chubby hands with many rings.
Impossible to tell who was who.
Stab shuttered itself behind a premium paywall before
giving up entirely, moving to well past its prime Byron Bay back in
Australia.
Sad.
Unaffiliated with Stab but also one-time Australian
Paul Hogan, who made himself very famous by playing the iconic
Crocodile Dundee, also lives in Venice but unlike the surf
publication, has been there for decades and decided to stay and
fight the invading horde. Beat reporters snapped
photos of him this week marching furiously outside his
paywall and posting a note reading “THIS IS MY HOUSE NOT YOURS” to
it, written in red Sharpie.
Later he reemerged and underlined the words MY HOUSE.
Tyler Proctor, a politician who lives locally, empathizes with
Hogan describing the neighborhood as “hell on earth,” continuing,
“His house is like a fortress and it needs to be. I can see why
[he] wants to move out.”
At time of printing, there is no word if the homeless are
staging a massive anti-Australia protest, burning Akubra hats on
his doorstep etc.
More as the story develops.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
The feral kid from Mad Max (pictured) was not at the
protest.
Enraged children, parents, take to the
streets in Maui demanding the return of surf competitions: “These
kids just want to go out there and chase their dreams and it’s
tough to chase their dreams when they don’t know how they’re doing
unless they’re in front of a judge with a hooter going off!”
By Chas Smith
Give us surf!
Quarantine hardened children and their parents
took to the streets in Lahaina, Maui yesterday afternoon demanding
the resumption of surf competitions and terrifying tourists with
colorful signs reading “Let us surf!”
News of the protest, which spread like wildfire across the
island via Hawaii’s famed coconut wireless, was in direct response
to elected officials allowing soccer and other outdoor sports to
resume while not lifting the ban on formal, competitive
surfing.
Famous big wave surfer and snowboarder Ian Walsh, who sponsors
the annual Menehune Mayhem competition, told Honolulu’s
Star-Advertiser, “There’s water polo events, there’s
soccer events, there’s baseball events, there’s basketball events,
and I think with all those events operating, there should not be a
ban on amateur events for surfing or other ocean activities,
whether it be canoe regattas, Junior Lifeguards or whatever that
might be. We just want to give these kids a chance to surf. A lot
of them don’t have other sports; surfing is their primary outlet,
and they’ve been standing by the wayside for some time. With these
other events being able to operate successfully, we’re hopeful that
they will allow us to put these events on for the kids.”
Zolten Poulsen, the to U12 surfer in Hawaii, was at the protest
and told the local ABC news
outlet, “Surfing is really an amazing sport it’s super
fun super exciting when we get to compete and with COVID that got
taken away.”
His father, Eric, added, “These kids just want to go out there
and chase their dreams and it’s tough to chase their dreams when
they don’t know how they’re doing unless they’re in front of a
judge with a hooter going off.”
April Colpas, whose eighth grade daughter competes, felt
incensed that she has to sit on the couch while blow-ins are
allowed to do as they please, seeing crowds of them, maskless etc.
lining up for boats and parasailing adventures.
“Our jaws just dropped. It was actually the first time it was in
our face that you don’t get to compete, but all these people who
are visiting, they’re coming here, spending money, and they get to
line up for a freakin’ boat ride when my daughter can’t even do a
four-man heat? It doesn’t make any sense.”
Jodi Leong, spokesperson to Hawaii’s governor David Ige, feeling
the intense pressure issued a statement reading, “Gov. Ige is
currently working through the details and is expected to make an
announcement soon.”
Seriously, though, how are youth surf competitions still not
happening in Hawaii?
Killer Great White shark likely
fifteen-foot “local” nicknamed Bruce; surfer tried to warn others
before dying in shallow-water attack; fisherman on jetski says he
was “confronted” by “huge” amount of blood in the water
By Derek Rielly
“Bruce has been swimming around there for years now
finally big enough to attack someone. RIP old mate”
On a pretty autumn morning on a particularly dreamy
slice of Australian coastline yesterday, a fifty-nine-year-old
surfer was killed in front of his mates by a fifteen-foot
Great White.
Locals were familiar with the animal, posting on Facebook,
“Bruce has been swimming around there for years now finally big
enough to attack someone.”
(The name Bruce refers, of course, to the nickname given to the
mechanical Great White in the 1975 film Jaws, sourced either
from director Steven Spielberg’s accountant Bruce, who kept balking
at the cost overruns on the fake shake, or Spielberg’s lawyer, also
called Bruce.)
Fisho Michael Guest, who was on a jetski nearby, told morning
TV,
“People just started pointing and yelling at me. I zipped over
to just around the corner of the break wall to see what was going
on. I didn’t know if somebody was drowning. Then this gentleman
said, ‘There’s a guy getting attacked by the shark over there’.
Hearing those words straightaway, I just… flattened the throttle on
the jet ski. It wasn’t a nice thing to see, to be perfectly honest.
I couldn’t believe there was so much blood in the water.”
Three other surfers dragged the man to the beach.
“They pulled the gentleman up, lifted him up around water
level,” said Guest. “I could see the horrific injuries that had
occurred. Even though it’s a big animal, I don’t know where it was,
it was obviously just there somewhere. I didn’t see the shark but
the damage was done.”
Last year was the deadliest year for shark attacks in Australia
since 1923, pointedly the worst for surfers in the country’s
history: five fatals out of the eight, all of ‘em by Great
White.
Much hand-wringing in media. Climate change done it and so
on.
Scientists know that climate change is affecting ocean
current movements and weather patterns. Depending on its impact,
Associate Prof Hart said, we could in future “potentially see an
increase or equally a decrease in shark attacks perhaps in response
to those changing environmental variables”
No mention, of course, of the mathematics of what happens when
you protect an apex predator for twenty-two years.
After the fourth attack on a surfer last year, and just before a
Gold Coast real estate agent was hit and killed at the Superbank,
Steve “Longtom” Shearer asked,
“By accident and on purpose, an almost ideal world for the White
shark has been created. Protected in Australia since ’99, but
likely, according to the supplementary material on the CSIRO
population study, to have faced decreasing threats from humans
since the late 80’s, bolstered as adults by increases in whale and
seal numbers. Boosted as juveniles and sub-adults by decreases in
commercial fishing in NSW and the establishment of marine parks
along the Australian coastline. We’ve created a world tailormade
for our old pal the White shark.
“But if you create such a world, and the White Shark Recovery
Plan makes clear such a world is a desirable and wondrous thing
then ain’t there a slight ethical obligation to consider the
kiddies and old sea dogs who wind up in the jaws of nature’s most
long lived apex, opportunistic predator?
“The people who have to drag them in, watch them turn grey while
they wait for the chopper to arrive?
“The Mums, Dads, school mates, drinking pals, girlfriends and
boyfriends etc etc etc?
“Is there an end state where we can say, OK, too many, let’s go
fishing?
“I almost daren’t say it, but it feels like we could be
close.”
After yesterday’s fatal attack by a Great White, the first for
2021 though certainly not the last, the smart money is
on… never.
For despite everything, despite the overwhelming evidence that
Great Whites patrol beaches in abundance and with impunity,
nothing, not the roll call of surfers dying, literally, in the
mouths of sharks, including a seventeen-year-old girl and a
fifteen-year-old boy, will shift a perception in the essential
perfection and mythology of the Great White.
This morning, an eight-foot Great White was caught a few hundred
metres away from the sight of yesterday’s attack.
Caught.
Tagged.
Released.
One local resident, Kellie Hilder, told the Daily
Telegraph her kid Chloe had given up surfing Tuncurry’s clean
little tubes ’cause of the Great Whites.
“For the past six months she’s been too scared to go out
there. There are so many sharks she’s given up surfing.”
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Photo: Encyclopedia of Surfing
Zombie website Surfer infuriates fanbase by
promoting tobacco-less nicotine lozenges, profiling surfers who
dabble in pottery: “Severson would be rotating wildly in his
grave!”
By Chas Smith
Extremely unnatural.
It seems years ago, now, that the august
Surfer magazine was shuttered overnight, furloughing its
staff, ending a near 60 year run as “the Bible of the Sport,”
though in reality it has only been seven-ish months.
At the time, legendary photo editor Peter
Taras wrote, “It’s really hard for me to put into
words right now the feelings. I’m a weepy mess. I taught. I was
taught. I cared so much for all the creatives I worked with over
the years. We were family.”
Very sad, indeed, but life goes on and, apparently,
Surfer has too as a “zombie website.”
Zombie websites, those that have been purchased or traded hands,
killed, brought back to life as vehicles for dark purposes, are
ubiquitous in or modern media landscape.
Surfer, an empty flesh shell of itself, is currently
pushing out a new series called Velo Road Trip: Beyond
Boundaries. A “cross-country adventure bringing you
access to individuals who are experiencing life beyond the
boundaries, pursuing their passions and striving to make a
difference in their local communities.”
The latest offering features a La Jolla local who is passionate
about pottery and the way he has shifted his life-work balance into
a life-life balance.
Per the piece:
Any surfer worth his or her salt knows that mums the word
when it comes to sharing any of their go-to spots. And we promised
Joe we wouldn’t spill the beans on his home turf. That said, San
Diego is home to endless miles of surf for beginners and experts
alike. The picturesque beauty and SoCal sun makes San Diego a year
round destination for surf enthusiasts from the world
over.
I was forwarded by an ex-Surfer editor and famous
author who wrote, “Severson would
be rotating wildly in his grave.”
I assumed over the wanton practice of surf pottery sponsored by
some road bicycle brand but scrolled to the bottom of the piece and
read the single comment to make sure.
Why is Surfer promoting nicotine products? This is shameful,
I will never visit this website again.
Velo is a nicotine product?
Scrolling back up, I read, “VELO nicotine pouches are small
white pouches that are tobacco-leaf free. Available in multiple
different flavors and strengths, with VELO pouches there’s no smoke
and no hassle. The best part? You can enjoy nicotine pouches
virtually anywhere.”
Extremely unnatural.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Australian man ignites outrage, grief, by
surfing a giant crocodile: “If this stunt is the ‘most Aussie thing
ever,’ we should be ashamed!”
By Chas Smith
"The last thing Australian animals need is also to
be stood on by grown men looking for attention."
An Australian man caused much outrage, grief,
days ago when a blurry image of the nameless legend appeared on
Reddit surfing a giant crocodile. It was captioned “Most Aussie
Photo I Have” though deleted 24-hours later but not before the
press grabbed hold leading to much outrage, grief.
Described as a “tradie,” the man is wearing short pants, no
shoes and a classic high visibility jacket. The crocodile is
sporting a rope from his jaws to the man’s hands.
Pundits declared the crocodile was either “trapped” or “drugged”
or “dead.”
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not to be confused
with The People™, immediately weighed in with spokesperson Emily
Rice declaring, “If this stunt is the ‘most Aussie thing ever,’ we
should be ashamed. Animals are not surfboards, and we should no
more be applauding a person who ‘surfs’ on a crocodile than we
should applaud jockeys who whip horses or marine park trainers who
torment dolphins. The last thing Australian animals need is also to
be stood on by grown men looking for attention.”
Imagine if PETA watched the World Surf League broadcast from
Rottnest Island and learned that the endemic quokkas are fed lots
of junk food and used solely for selfies with ’69 World Champion
Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew (quokka pictured in foreground).
Very cute.
Australia is, in any case, still said to be reeling from the
photo. It is being whispered that whoever shaped Taj Burrow’s
Rottnest board is considering joining
the “last-thing-Australian-animals-need-is-to-be-stood-on-by-grown-men-looking-for-attention”
lawsuit.
