"Powerful tits sculpted by God that rivet the eyes…" | Photo: Ultimate Surfer

Plot spoiler: BIPOC Hawaiian Zeke Lau wins ABC’s Ultimate Surfer; will be gifted wildcards into three WCT events on 21-22 Tour!

By Derek Rielly

4 years ago

The powerfully built Hawaiian with full round breasts sculpted by god and that rivet the eyes returns to the WCT!

In an important rumour, loosed, perhaps, to quell the disquiet over the WSL’s lack of diversity in its TV debut Ultimate Surfer, BIPOC Hawaiian Zeke Lau wins the series, and is gifted wildcards to Snapper, Margaret River and Surf Ranch on the 21-22 Tour.

The six-foot-two, two-hundred pound Hawaiian with full round breasts sculpted by god and that rivet the eyes, qualified for the WCT in 2017 and competed for three seasons before missing the cut for the 2020 season.

It ain’t surprising Zeke wins; put any WCT surfer against qualifier-level shredders and the difference is marked.

The other cast members, Kai Barger, Austin Clouse, Mason Barnes, Luke Davis, Alejandro Moreda and Koa Smith are a mix of beauty and some talent, although none, I think, at CT level, unlike Zeke.

Zeke’s high point on the tour was in 2018 when he highlighted the world champion John John Florence’s tender underside, an unwillingness to engage in paddle battles etc.

From Longtom’s report on the day,

“Zeke, with a face like an Easter Island statue and physique to match, had monstered John, got all up in his grill and had sent the world champ into a tailspin. Combo’ed, Florence fell, then fell again as the clock ticked down. It was thrilling and almost wincingly painful to watch, like a David Attenborough documentary where the elegant ruminant gets savaged by a lion then has its insides ripped out by a pack of hyaenas. The champ looked so helpless. All that insouciance at the Gold Coast was gone and in its place was a lonely blond-haired kid being frowned upon by an older man on the stairs who shook his head sadly as the siren sounded.”

The WSL subsequently reinstated a rule that surfers could not “excessively hassle” their opponents.

“I seen the Zeke Rule,” Zeke said. “I’m making history out here. They gotta make new rules to contain me. Excessive hassling… I call it just a little love tap, y’know. That’s all it is.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/BhFVQnPBdl3/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=embed_video_watch_again

Ultimate Surfer goes to air Monday, August 23 at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

Dunno who wins the girls, if y’wondering.,

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Parable: I once knew a woman who appeared on a second-tier reality television program. At the time it seemed pretty cool. In retrospect, it was extremely embarrassing!

By Chas Smith

4 years ago

Hindsight etc.

The Ultimate Surfer, set to air Monday, August 23 2021 at the enviable 10pm time slot (ET/PT) is the high water mark of World Surf League CEO Erik “ELo” Logan’s tenure.

The Oklahoma native, who enjoys SUPping his home break Manhattan Beach and long walks to various FroYo parlors, came to surfing via the Oprah Winfrey Network and so a reality television program as his crowning achievement no surprise.

After the official announcement, there was much high-fiving and happy emojis passed back and forth between ELo and the contestants on Instagram.

“Stoked!”

“Can’t wait!!!”

“Go time!!!!!!!!”

Etc.

Exclamation marks growing with each and every exchange.

World Surf League commissioner Jessi Miley-Cyrus even got in on the act even though she has been a fine champion for diversity and the cast is a fine shade of eggshell.

The thing about reality shows, though, is…. yikes.

I’ve been through it, or through it-adjacent. A one-time friend appeared in a design competition on a respected network back when the format still had some small energy.

We’d gather together with friends and friends of friends to watch, weekly.

At the time it was ok, her hustling around doing this and that, getting into petty arguments with the other contestants, looking too tired and too excited by turns.

She made it to the final three before losing in a less-than-dignified challenge.

Looking back on it all, I’d imagine she only feels shame. The producers call the shots, own the day, know what they are looking for and make it happen. Editors, with those producers looking over shoulder, carve and cut to achieve the narrative they want.

They drove her to look, and act, like someone else. Crying over ribbons etc.

Embarrassing.

The participants in The Ultimate Surfer will be met with the same ignominy. Network producers will create whatever they desire without one ounce of pushback from Santa Monica because Santa Monica has absolutely zero clue or leverage.

The farm, they say, has been sold.

Some, like ‘Stasia Ashley, won’t care. She already is reality television. Some, like Kai Barger, might.

Kelly Slater?

Oh man…

Ohhhh man.

There will be no winners, in any case, save us and Zeke Lau. (read hot scoop here!)

This pure, wonderful entertainment.

Thanks, ELo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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"We're gone next!"

Opinion: The World Surf League broke the motivation of its stars to participate throughout the year with its ill-conceived “top five get title shot at Lower Trestles” nonsense!

By Chas Smith

4 years ago

Backfire.

Being right certainly does feel wonderful. But days ago, there I was sitting on my stool, wondering out loud if the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater had set the stage, so to speak, for his grande finale.

Olympic gold.

Gazing out across the horizon, he would have seen a grueling Australian leg followed by weird International Surfing Association business all enveloping multiple long monotonous quarantines.

Did he not decide to get healthy by surfing on his broken-for-four-years foot, eat right, rest well?

Well, now look. John John Florence, heading into the quarterfinals of the Margaret River event drops out citing knee injury. Off Rottnest too. Certainly not headed to El Salvador.

Kolohe a further high ankle sprain away from waving sayonara to the WSL/ISA himself.

When Slater refused to go to Australia, I’ll admit I found it strange. He was sitting 3rd in the rankings, after a 3rd place finish at Pipe, and maybe could have put up more results at Narrabeen, Margaret (if Box), Rottnest.

A 12th crown not entirely out of grasp.

Likewise, I found Florence’s latest announcement strange. He is, also, currently 3rd in the world and surely one of three title favorites. Why not just keep battling it out? His Japanese prospects do not look good what with the 2ft closeout beachbreak certainly on tap.

Then, like a bolt of white lightning, it hit me.

The big names on tour just don’t care. They can drop in and out as they like and still snag a year-ending 5th.

That’s all that is needed, remember, to punch a ticket to Lower Trestles for the exciting final’s day dreamed up by the World Surf League’s Kansan CEO Erik “ELo” Logan whilst trying to re-create the excitement from a pre-Covid Italo vs. Gabriel 1 vs. 2 final heat of final event bacchanal.

In so recreating, though, ELo stripped his stars of motivation and by “stars” I mean Gab, Pip, Italo, JJF, Caio. They simply don’t need to go to every event anymore and can cherry pick at will.

Who wants to be the 2015-16 Golden State Warriors?

Best regular season record in basketball history only to run out of gas a few inches shy of the finish line, losing to the Cleveland Cavaliers in the finals.

Not John John Florence, that’s for sure.

I bet not Gab, Pip, Italo either.

Watch them each go down with one injury or another at some point during the year only to come raging back to a miraculous 5th.

Caio will fight the good fight, though.

Clocking in daily just like us.

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Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli in the 1982 high school flick, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Shoe being belted against Spicoli's stoned skull is the Vans Off the Wall slip-on. Sales of the style soared after movie became a hit.

Founder of multi-billionaire dollar Vans shoe empire Paul Van Doren, dead at ninety, one week after launching memoir, “Authentic: A Memoir by the Founder of Vans”

By Derek Rielly

4 years ago

A life well lived and a legacy not forgotten…

Pauly Van Doren, the legendary founder of the world’s most enduring surf-skate grand Vans, who was born just as the Great Depression was kicking into gear, has died, aged ninety.

Van Doren, a high-school drop-out, whose nickname was Dutch the Clutch, created the Van Doren Rubber Co in 1966 with his little brother, James, who died in 2011, and their pals Gordon, Ryan Emmert and Serge D’Elia.

The first store, in Anaheim, California, sold American-made shoes direct to the public with the slogan, “Canvas Shoes for the Entire Family” at prices between two and four dollars a pair.

On opening day, Pauly forgot to put cash into the register.

“It was so stupid,” he said, telling customers to come back with the exact cash. “We sold something like 22 pairs of shoes that first day, and the remarkable thing is every single person came back and paid. Treat people like you would want to be treated.”

“Paul was not just an entrepreneur; he was an innovator. The Van Doren Rubber Company was the culmination of a lifetime of experimentation and hard work in the shoe industry,” the Vans company said in a statement. “Like Paul, from the first day of business, Vans was uniquely innovative. When the first Vans store opened, there were no stand-alone retail stores just for sneakers. Paul’s bold experiments in product design, distribution, and marketing, along with his knack for numbers, and a genius for efficiency turned Paul’s family shoe business into an all-American success story.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/COlMFzWBg93/?utm_source=ig_embed

Y’don’t have to trawl too deep into a surfer or skater’s wardrobe to find a dirty ol pair of Off the Walls or Authentics, shoes mercifully unchanged in almost fifty years.

The passing of an icon.

As Stacy Peralta said: “Vans is one of the greatest legacy companies not only in skateboarding, but in the worldwide community of action sports.”

Final words go, as they must, to Sean Penn, who used his own pair of Vans OTW slip-ons in the movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High, a decision that would propel sales of the show into the stratosphere,

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Students of professional surfing will, no doubt, know that the United States team consists of Florence and Kolohe Andino with the world's greatest surfer Kelly Slater as first alternate. | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Breaking: John John Florence withdraws from remaining Margaret River, upcoming Rottnest Island contests citing injury; Kelly Slater one step closer to Olympic dream!

By Chas Smith

4 years ago

Plan coming together?

In shocking news, the World Surf League has just announced that Margaret River favorite, and title hopeful, John John Florence has withdrawn from the rest of the Margaret River event, as well as the upcoming Rip Curl Search Rottnest presented by Corona, citing injury.

In a just released statement, Florence declared:

“Unfortunately, I hurt my left knee on the end section of a wave during my round 16 heat two days ago. I was able to surf the rest of my heat, just kind of feeling it out, but I knew something was off. It’s not the same knee I dealt with last year so that’s good, but with the Olympics coming up this summer I’m going to focus on healing up and getting strong. Thanks to everyone for the support and to Australia for having us. We’re very appreciative and had a great time.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/COlanHvp4I9/

The Olympics coming up being key.

Students of professional surfing will, no doubt, know that the United States team consists of Florence and Kolohe Andino with the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater as first alternate.

Slater, citing a four-year-old foot injury of his own, opted out of the Australian leg and the upcoming World Surfing Games in El Salvador in order to heal by surfing very fine barrels right in front of Florence’s childhood home.

It was posited here, days ago, that he may have calculated the grueling schedule and put himself in position for a sneaky Olympic birth.

Gold his final act?

More as the story develops.

P.S.

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Eat beach grit spam!