Smoldering.
Joe Turpel has been the official voice of professional surfing ever since billionaire Dirk Ziff purchased the Association of Surfing Professionals for free in 2013, changing its name to World Surf League two years later. There he sits in the oftentimes pallet booth, skin caramelized, voice a steady flow of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup from an e-zee pour spout.
The broadcaster is rarely given to excess. When Australia’s Mick Fanning was attacked by a shark live, on air, during a heat, for example, Turpel, even-voice’d, suggested that he “hop on the sled and reset.”
But something, of late, has overtaken the man. As you know, Turpel is now, also, the voice of The Ultimate Surfer sitting there in a pallet booth next to his female cohost and last night he pushed to the very edge of sexual propriety.
Showing a clip of Gabriel Medina, Turpel explained, slower with much more body language than necessary, “Right there? That’s a floater. A good floater lingers… briefly on the lip just like a… first kiss from a… hesitant lover,” then made long and longing eye contact with her.
Which lover was hesitating left unsaid.
His cohost, clearly shocked, could only choke out, “Oh… well.”
And Joe Turpel, in the year 2021 when cancellation lurks around every corner, #MeToo still guillotining ol’ dinosaurs , decided this was his moment to smolder like it was 1960.
We can only hope that he is allowed to bring this heat to Lower Trestles.
Jajaja! I wanna see his commentary at Teahupoo! “And he rams himself in as deep as she can take it! Wow and Mistress Chopes is a gusher, folks!”
Sounds a bit suss, no extra points for literally taking a photo of your tv chas, great journalism haha
Don’t think Dirk Ziff is going to ‘linger’ around much longer keeping the WSL a ‘float’.
There, I did it! I got the word linger and float in the same sentence.
Toledo surfed Lowers yesterday afternoon. Check his brothers ig feed.
jabberin’ Joe staring admiringly into the toilet bowl
I keep a list of all the stupid shit my mother-in-law says. Things like ‘Nektflix’, ‘lickwish’, ‘permingos’ and my current fav – ‘covic’.
Joey has BG
Get your bone broth, unwanted kisses, etc. all in one place….
You’re looking like
You’ve got some sun
Your blistered lips
Have got a kiss
They taste a bit like everyone
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh
Your bones got a little machine
You’re the bone machine
I was talking to preachy-preach about kissy-kiss
He bought me a soda
He bought me a soda
He bought me a soda and he tried to molest me in the parking lot
Yep, yep yep yep
I think you’re pretty
You make me hard
Your island skin
Looks Mexican
Our love is rice and beans and horses lard
Your bones got a little machine
You’re the bone machine
A meaningful handjam lingers briefly on the wrist,
like a hesitant gimp’s first fist
!!!
Nothing like the voice of experience
I was hesitant and fretful once upon a long lost time. But since the GLM movement gathered some PVC legs, I am now a veritable maskless fister of fury
Joe was really thinking about his first fist in a hesitate poofter.
The Voice of Professional Slurping.
Also, Pimp’s Up, Joe’s Down. https://www.imdb.com/title/…
Dude is way to easy to roast.
I wanna see him and Jonah Hill forced to surf Pipe for the crown of King of the VALs. Koa can be there with his man bun and Jen Sea can annotate the whole affair.
Sooooo, any guesses as to which day they’ll run the Ultimate World Champion of Surfing Presented by Ripped Curled?
Trying to figure out which day to blow off work, family or friends in the upcoming week.
The last time Joe smoldered was when he was so aghast that he called Mick’s J-Bay shark incident a wildlife encounter and said Mick would get on the ski to reset. This statement regarding first kisses was more like Joe actively erupting. Both samples of Joe’s geo-dynamics leave a lot to be desired geo-dynamically. As in, my tectonic plates aren’t likely to thrust nor shift due to Joe. They’re more likely to lament shit, then nap.
He’s come out with some beauts, my favourite is “Inside of the womb of mother ocean” – I had to check with Jen that he actually said this – at Lemoore of all places!
Ya’all missed the HandJam Turpz performed below the table.
Well, he just earned himself (1) badge on Beach Grit!
Imagine a porn featuring Terpel and Cote seducing each other with their annoying so cal nasal surfer bro accents.
or better yet, let’s not
God damn it, this is not what I needed to read to start my day…
https://youtu.be/Gc65NC44dSk
#faded
BONE BROTH
What if the ‘floater’ being discussed is the priorly laughed about faecal sausage ?
Quite understandable that the prospective lover is hesitant of having such a thing linger upon their lips.
No wonder his co-host choked…
It looked rehearsed…he said it so slowly like he was trying to recall the exact words….but then again he says everything slow. I can totally see the producers encouraging all “talent” to be on msg and play up the “romance is in the air” angle. Was it performance art or just ridunculous commentating?
A performance somewhere between A-Lister and Extra.
Agreed, fully scripted.
Big PePe LePue vibes.