World’s most graceful surfer Stephanie Gilmore poised to become “greatest of all time” surpassing Layne Beachley, Kelly Slater, with Lower Trestles win!

By Chas Smith

3 years ago

History in the making.

I mocked, and mocked hard, when the World Surf League rolled out the concept of a super-charged final day, some who-knows-how-many months ago, pitting the top five surfers (both men’s and women’s) against each other for all the glory. Previously, organized professional surfing had hung itself on the tagline “It Takes a Tour to Make a Title.”

Now it takes a day.

Blah blah blah lame blah Gabriel Medina dominant blah blah Stephanie Gilmore.

Speaking of, the current world number four on the women’s side, and roughly 5000 points behind leader Carissa Moore, is in position to make history at Lower, Trestles (likely Sunday) with a win and another crown.

In so doing, Gilmore would vault from seven World Titles to eight thereby passing the great Layne Beachley.

Is Beachley made furious by this potential injustice? This quick changing of the rules?

Unfortunately no, for in a recent Guardian interview she proclaimed, “She’s already referred to as the GOAT. I don’t know how many more times she’s going to have to win before she truly lays claims to that. She’s already the GOAT and I’m not sure another world title will change that at all.”

Whoa.

Is Beachley actually the most graceful surfer in the world?

Possibly.

But back to this one day final nonsense, Pip Toledo scared out of the water, ‘Rissa Moore maybe coming undone by fate and history and Gilmore etc.

Pat O’Connell, architect of this great mess, was right.

We needed this.

It Takes a Day to Win Over Mentally Lazy and Challenged Surf Journalists.

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Greek God, part-time Hawaiian, Laird Hamilton blows doors of perception off rusty hinges by officially surfing the world’s longest wave!

By Chas Smith

3 years ago

Poetry.

Days ago it was revealed, here, that Greek god and part-time Hawaiian Laird Hamilton had utterly stupefied the general public by swimming underwater whilst holding a dumbbell. An amazing feat of strength, will, endurance and witnessed by big wave surfers Billy Kemper and Luca Padua.

What was unknown, at the time, was that two short months before, Hamilton had been foil surfing Chicama in Peru and may have just caught “the world’s longest wave.”

Footage captures Hamilton dressed in a black spring suit, holding a GoPro stick and effortlessly gliding a very wide red and yellow foil all over the steady, but not very shapely, left-hander.

I counted each and every second until I realized that this particular ride may not be “the longest in the world” as billed by much media but rather Chicama is “the longest wave in the world.”

“Laird Hamilton surfs world’s longest wave.”

Very opaque.

In any case, I was glad I watched and you are glad you watched too. Tom Brady begins his quest for another Super Bowl ring tonight with his Tampa Bay Buccaneers. His 22nd season under center.

Ageless like Kelly Slater, like Laird Hamilton.

The same as they ever were, the same as they ever will be.

How much would you imagine a broth made from the bones of Tom Brady, Kelly Slater or Laird Hamilton would go for on the open market?

Superfood.

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Voice of professional surfing Joe Turpel pushes to outermost edges of sexual propriety, shocking female co-host with lewd-adjacent metaphor: “A good floater lingers briefly on the lip just like a first kiss from a hesitant lover.”

By Chas Smith

3 years ago

Smoldering.

Joe Turpel has been the official voice of professional surfing ever since billionaire Dirk Ziff purchased the Association of Surfing Professionals for free in 2013, changing its name to World Surf League two years later. There he sits in the oftentimes pallet booth, skin caramelized, voice a steady flow of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup from an e-zee pour spout.

The broadcaster is rarely given to excess. When Australia’s Mick Fanning was attacked by a shark live, on air, during a heat, for example, Turpel, even-voice’d, suggested that he “hop on the sled and reset.”

But something, of late, has overtaken the man. As you know, Turpel is now, also, the voice of The Ultimate Surfer sitting there in a pallet booth next to his female cohost and last night he pushed to the very edge of sexual propriety.

Showing a clip of Gabriel Medina, Turpel explained, slower with much more body language than necessary, “Right there? That’s a floater. A good floater lingers… briefly on the lip just like a… first kiss from a… hesitant lover,” then made long and longing eye contact with her.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTkjIpYp7Xx/

Which lover was hesitating left unsaid.

His cohost, clearly shocked, could only choke out, “Oh… well.”

And Joe Turpel, in the year 2021 when cancellation lurks around every corner, #MeToo still guillotining ol’ dinosaurs , decided this was his moment to smolder like it was 1960.

Mad man.

We can only hope that he is allowed to bring this heat to Lower Trestles.

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Italo, wearing the tit-fruit of a man who enjoys lifting plates, and local enforcer The Sheriff.

Full-length feature film: The Curious Tales of Italo Ferreira!

By Derek Rielly

3 years ago

The story of the ultra-vibrant Ferreira, who enjoys dressing in zoo-animal prints, is an old and hackneyed one: but in Italo’s case it’s true.

The fifty-minute film, The Curious Tales of Italo Ferreira, draws on decades of friendships and shared histories of the reigning, at least for a few more days, world champion surfer from Baia Fermosa in northern Brazil.

The story of the ultra-vibrant Ferreira, who is twenty-seven, and who enjoys dressing in zoo-animal prints that are the hallmark of ebullient resort wear, is an old and hackneyed one: but in Italo’s case it’s true. The key to the pro surfing kingdom wasn’t presented to him on an upholstered velvet cushion via a dad that surfed, a benevolent sponsor and a training program where men stand on the beach under an umbrella filming the children for later review of technique.

Italo grew up in a fishing town in north-east Brazil, population eight thousand, called Baia Formosa; a joint where the only paved roads are the ones that lead into the village.

Italo’s pops would wander the beach and buy the catch of local fisherman and make his profit, a slender one but enough to feed his family, selling fish to restaurants.

His skinny son wanted to surf so Pops gave him the foam lid from the box he kept his fish in.

Eight-year-old Italo was so small it just worked on Baia’s little righthander.

Then, and in short order, an older friend who saw the boy’s love of surfing gifted him a fibreglass surfboard, he won the first contest he entered, moved onto regional events and then national, trying to win “cars, motorbikes and tickets to fly overseas.”

And so on.

Watch here.

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In cinematic crescendo, surfing great Kelly Slater snatches Momentum Generation stablemate and friend Kalani Robb from clutches of Covid-induced death!

By Chas Smith

3 years ago

Heroes made.

Kelly Slater, 11x World Champion, television personality, has done it all through a long and storied career. He has won eleven World Championships along with being featured on television not once but twice. He has started many businesses, some failed, achieved a purple belt in jiu jitsu, became board member of metaphysical life advancement center and just snatched Momentum Generation stablemate and good friend Kalani Robb from the clutches of Covid-induced death.

Cinematic.

Robb, who contracted the disease last week and has been meticulously documenting his journey, worried fans very much when his diary almost went dark on day four. They became downright hysterical when day five went completely unfilled.

Day six.

Cue Kelly Slater.

As the clock neared midnight, Robb poked a weary head out death’s front door, staggered, only to catch the artificial wave technology scion dropping a house made nutritious bone broth on the doorstep before scampering away, throwing double shakas.

“Wanna see the bestest friend ever?” Robb wheezed. “Don’t breathe on him.”

“Don’t breathe on me, motherfucker,” Slater responded.

Beautiful.

Robb also added the caption “11 time worlds best ever friend saving my life through all this (praying hands emoji).”

And while there may be so many disagreements as to vaccinating versus un-vaccinating, traditional therapies versus progressive, can’t we all just agree that bone broth is a great thing?

Even vegans?

More as the story develops.

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Eat beach grit spam!