A new peril strikes the VAL kingdom!

Surfline Man is sitting on his couch, his very favorite place to be. He loves surfing so much! 

But he is also very lazy. 

He couldn’t make it to yoga, even when a cute girl invited him. Surfline Man would like to be better, but it’s just so much effort. 

Today is a good day. 

Without even moving, Surfline Man can see his brand-new red fish leaning against the wall. Yes, at long last, Surfline Man picked up his new surfboard that Mike the Shaper made it just for him. 

Surfline Man is feeling all the good vibes. Mike made him a surfboard. 

They’re, like, best bros for life now. 

Surfline Man is pretty sure his new red fish is totally perfect. For one thing, it’s red, and everyone knows red surfboards are faster. It feels so good under his arm like all the best surfboards do. 

Surfline Man is so in love with with his new red fish. He can’t even stop looking at it. 

His fish! At last! It is just so red!

All he needs now is fins. Mike the Shaper told him to buy keels for his new fish. Surfline Man is not about to question his new best bro shaper Mike. 

But there’s just one problem. 

When Surfline Man went to the surf shop, there were no keel fins! Like, none at all. Surfline Man was very surprised and dismayed by this discovery. Surfline Man had no idea what to do.  

Mike the shaper told him to put keel fins on his fish and he can’t!

Dejected, Surfline Man drove home. 

So now he’s lying on his couch, with his beautiful fish right there in front of him, thinking about fins. Surfline Man reaches for his laptop that he bought for important things like looking at surf forecasts and searching for fins for his new surfboard. 

Only Google can help him now.

Surfline Man needs to find keel fins for his new fish right now. Surely, the internet can save him. 

It’s super important!

Opening his laptop, Surfline Man sees the final episode of The Ultimate Surfer waiting for him. In all the excitement of picking up his new surfboard, Surfline Man forgot all about the grand finale of his new favorite show. 

So much drama! He loves it so much! Surfline Man is not about to tell anyone, of course. 

Just yesterday, in fact, he heard some people talking about The Ultimate Surfer in the check-out line at Seaside Market. They thought Zeke was going to win. 

It was all Surfline Man could do not to tell them they were totally wrong. Of course, Koa is going to win. He is plainly the best of all! But Surfline Man kept his mouth shut. 

Even his friends don’t know the real truth. 

— you watch any of that Ultimate Surfer shit

— nah it looks stupid so not into it

Surfline Man does not like lying to his friends, but sometimes it’s totally necessary. It’s just better for anyone. His friends don’t need to know his deepest, realest secrets.

Anyway, fins. He needs them. 

Surfline Man reluctantly sets aside The Ultimate Surfer and returns to his super urgent problem. He must find keel fins for his new fish. It’s like totally imperative. 

But no! 

The internet totally hates him. Surfline Man can not find keel fins anywhere. He heard there was some sort of situation with the supply chains or the Suez Canal or something. 

But really, he can’t keep up with everything. 

There’s the surf forecast and The Ultimate Surfer and the tides — there’s just so much going on, he can barely keep up with it all. Really, no one can expect him to understand why there are no fins available to put on his brand-new surfboard that Mike the Shaper made just for him. 

It’s all so annoying! Surfline Man wants his new surfboard to be perfect!

 He doesn’t even know what to do now. He has waited so long and all he wants to do is ride his new surfboard. 

But really, how much could the fins matter? Surfline Man knows that his fish is super good. Mike the shaper would not fail him. It’ll probably work fine with like, whatever fins he can find. 

Determined, Surfline Man peels himself off the couch, and hops on his e-bike. He is going back to the surf shop and he is going to buy some fins. 

Surfline Man knows he’s good at surfing. He even got a wave at Malibu! He can totally ride his new fish with whatever fins he can find at the surf shop. It’s going to be totally fine. 

Back at the surf shop, Surfline Man shuffles through the fins on the rack. Futures. He needs Futures. He is so desperate right now. Any Futures will do! 

Then he finds them. A Rob Machado twin fin set-up. Surfline Man knows better than to think that Rob Machado’s fins will magically make him surf like Rob. But he lives to hope. 

Carbon fiber! They sound so high-tech. And bamboo is so enviro-friendly. 

Surfline Man loves these fins so much already. And they have a red stripe! They’re totally going to match his new surfboard. Everyone knows red fins are the very fastest fins ever. Surfline Man is confident in this fact if nothing else. 

Sliding his new fins in his favorite Da Kine backpack, Surfline Man rides home super fast. He can’t even wait to put his new fins on his surfboard. Red board. Red fins. It’s going to look so sick. Surfline Man is so psyching right now!

Back in his garage, Surfline Man parks his Rad Power Bikes ebike. He lovingly lays his new, red fish on the couch. 

He is totally sweating right now! Surfline Man is going to put his fins in his new fish.

He is so nervous! What if he does it all wrong? 

It’s impossible to put Futures in backwards, and Surfline Man feels super fortunate about this fact. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s pretty sure he would put his fins in backwards if he could. 

He is not always as smart as he wishes he was. He tries not to think about this truth too often. 

Phew. The fins are in his beautiful, new surfboard. They look so fucking cool. Surfline Man is not even mad he couldn’t have keel fins. His Machado fins with the red stripes look so much more awesome! 

Surfline Man pretty sure the hook part makes them faster. Is that the rake? 

Surfline Man isn’t totally clear on the parts of fins or even how they work. Whatever. Surfline Man is going to surf his new board soon, and it’s going to be the best day ever. 

Now he’s in the lineup, sitting on his new fish, waiting for the waves to come. There’s a bro sitting on a midlength right next to him. Surfline Man eyes the board. It does look pretty cool. But he’s totally over midlengths. 

He’s a fish guy now. 

— That’s a cool board, bro, what is it?

— It’s a fish! I got it from Mike. It’s a 5’6” and I’m pretty stoked on it!

— Yah, looks sweet. What fins are those?

— Futures, they’re a Rob Machado design!

— How do they go? I’ve always ridden keels on my fish

— They’re fast! I really like them! They’ve got, like, so much hold

— Sweet, looks fun, bro

A wave comes, and the guy on the midlength goes. Surfline Man watches critically. Personally, he would have done a bottom turn earlier, but he has to admit the guy does have a nice style. 

Then it’s his turn. Surfline Man is so excited! A wave is coming! Surfline Man is finally going to ride his new fish. It’s going to be the most fun he’s ever had in his entire life!

Feeling totally confident, Surfline Man paddles into his first ever wave on his new, red fish that Mike the Shaper made just for him. His fish suddenly feels very short and Surfline Man is worried his back foot might slide right off the back. 

But no! He makes it just fine. 

There he is, standing on his fish, his back foot right where it’s supposed to be. Really, Surfline Man had nothing to worry about. He’s totally got this. Totally. 

The magic red fish takes off just like Surfline Man imagined it would. His new surfboard is going so fast right now. Surfline Man is pretty sure he’s flying. Everyone must surely be in awe of his surfing right now.

 Look at that guy, he’s going so fast! He’s so stylish! 

Now it’s time to turn. Surfline Man is super ready to get rad right now. He is going to surf just like his favorite surfers. Surfline Man steps hard on the tail and leans into the rail, ready to make his brand new fish turn all smooth and seamless. 

Then disaster strikes! Surfline Man tries to turn, but his beautiful red fish slides out from under him. He tries desperately to save it. In an awkward and super, not-at-all stylish maneuver, Surfline Man recovers. 

But now he’s totally behind the section. He tries to drive hard and make it, but it’s way too late. All he can do is straighten out and fall sadly into the white water. 

It’s just the first wave! 

Surfline Man tries to console himself on the way back to the lineup. Definitely, he can do better. He just has to get used to his new surfboard and how it works and stuff. 

Sitting in the lineup, waiting for the next set, Surfline Man flips over his board. He gazes admiringly on the perfect red resin tint and his favorite new fins that match so perfectly. 

Surfline Man gets this surfboard thing. 

He totally gets it!

"Then I get a call from this girl at Globe and she’s gone to meet up with Sunny (Garcia). Then, a text, that reads, ‘Lock the doors!’"

Five years ago at the 2016 Surfer Poll awards in Hawaii, and during a group acceptance speech by Globe teamriders for best movie, the Australian surfer Noa Deane leaned into the microphone and said, “Fuck the WSL!” 

The throwaway line caused much distress and Noa issued an apology shortly after. 

”I would like to apologise for my actions 2 nights ago at the surfer poll awards, it was incredibly stupid, what i said was not targeted at any of the surfers on tour and they are on there because they are the best surfers in the world. I truly respect them and above all I’d like to apologise to the people of Hawaii and any kids watching. I’m meant to be a role model in surfing and my actions on the night were not appropriate and that was not the time or place to voice that opinion.

“My only goal was to raise the point of surfing not becoming a corporate sport like football but I can see and acknowledge how I came across and I am sorry… I’m truly humbled to receive the AI award someone who I looked up to as a kid and loved his surfing, and can’t believe that I over shadowed the honour with my actions later in the evening.

“Apologies to any one I have offended.”

Ugh. 

As Longtom wrote six months ago, 

“The original comment by Noa Deane, who was a mere four months into his post-teen life, was ridiculed and moralised by the usual suspects but has assumed a quiet staying power and historical significance.

“The immediate blowback for Deane was swift, but the usual evangalizing nonsense missed the mark big time.

“Fuck the WSL has endured, the blowback is long forgotten.”

Now, and as revealed on the wildly popular surfing podcast Ain’t That Swell, the repercussions on the ground were serious. 

Guests Creed McTaggart and “Baby” Dion Agius, who were on stage when the immortal line was issued, say Noa didn’t leave his room at the Turtle Bay Hotel for three days and that he cried for most of it. 

Creed,

 “Noa was getting fucking death threats! He cried for three days!… When he said it, everyone went…ohhhhhh…crickets… no one clapped. Next day, shit went down, shit hit the fan, fucking, all the heavies came around. I went over there, me and Toby (Cregan) just to make him feel better. He was so fucking rattled. But, now, it’s so fucking good, the best fucking quote ever. He nailed it! We go on trips and, randomly, at a bar or whatever, someone will see Noa and say, Fuck the WSL! And he’s like… aaaaaaaay! It’s his catchphrase!”

Dion,

“It was absolutely fucked. The North Shore is already scary as fuck, heavies everywhere. And I’m so fucking freaked out. I’ve heard all these rumours about people coming to bash us and shit. My buddy said, buy some whisky, have some sips, calm down. Then I get a call from this girl at Globe and she’s gone to meet up with Sunny (Garcia). Then, a text, that reads, ‘Lock the doors!’ Are you fucking kidding me? What? I’m texting back, what context? What do you fucking mean? I grabbed everyone’s passports and laptops ‘cause I thought people would come and bash me and trash the house. I grabbed everyone’s shit and hit it in a tiny cupboard and walked down the beach. 

“I didn’t know what to do. I’m about to get fucking lit by a bunch of massive Hawaiians so I started walking down the beach with a towel over my head. And I’m walking down the beach and I hear, ‘Dion! Dion!’ I’m fucking dead. I’m about to die. And it’s fucking Julian Wilson pulling up on his golf cart and he goes, ‘How are you, mate?’ And I go, ‘I’m about to fucking die!’ And I went and laid on the beach for five hours shaking. 

“My buddy Dylan who saw how rattled I was said, ‘We’re going to Honolulu’, booked a big hotel room, the big fucking pink one, then I left Hawaii and I’ve never been back it scarred me so fucking bad. It was fucked. It was honestly fucked!” 

Creed, 

“Then Parko came and lit up  Deany, ‘What the fuck was that!’ Parko was going Gold Coast heavy on him. Deany was, ‘I know, I’m sorry!’ and wrote this huge apology or whatever. 

Good times! Listen here, thirty-nine minutes in… 

"I am not here to fit in with the other politicians, I am here to get our freedoms back!"

One of MMA’s greatest, the Hawaiian who took the spotlight off the UFC heavyweights and turned it onto the little guys, has announced his candidacy for governor of Hawaii. 

Hawaiian-born Jay Dee Penn, who is forty-two and of Irish-American and Korean-Hawaiian descent, posted a clip from the movie Sparta with the following call to arms, 

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life but I would never run from a fight or sell out my people. As soon as I step into Hawaii’s Governor office I will remove All new federal and state mandates that have been hurting our economy, residents, and ‘ohana. We will get the best doctors, medicines, therapies, and health care the world has to offer to fight this pandemic and always keep Hawaii among the safest and healthiest states in the union. We will get rid of all vaccine passports. Hawaii will be a vaccinated with Aloha and Unvaccinated with Aloha policy for everyone. Same with the masks 😷. We will follow the constitution to the tee 👌. I am not here to fit in with the other politicians, I am here to get our freedoms back!

The election takes place on November 8, 2022, with the incumbent, democrat David Ige, ineligible to run due to govs being allowed only two terms. 

BJ was in the news two months ago when he was recounted his near-death episode at a wave pool. 

Last year when I got sucked into a wave pool engine room and thought I was going to die… I kept thinking “don’t die for your kids” I was surfing for a about an hour and the line started getting longer to catch the wave. I was sitting next to the owner of the wave pool by the “wall” where the waves come from. The first wave it shoots out is a dud to get everyone ready for the next wave. The dud wave came back and because I was so close to the wall the wave swallowed me and pushed me and my surfboard underneath a huge cement wall. I remember feeling like I was getting sucked in a pipe and at that moment I got scared. It ended up pushing me into a big dark cement room that fills up with water to push the next wave for the wave pool. It felt like I was in the movie SAW or Final destination. The room would fill up with water to the top and I would hold my breath and then it would push the water out to make the wave and it was really rough inside there. Everything I bumped up against in the room that hurt me got infected. I got a bad sinus infection and a couple facial fractures from getting knocked around the cement walls and from the fractures the dirty water got in my face and infected my whole sinus. I was on antibiotics for three weeks for my face. While I was in the wave pool engine room I knew that one of my friends outside from big island is a legendary surfer and I knew he would come in there to rescue me so I stayed calm. A lot of other people might have panicked and maybe gave up but I just stayed strong for my kids. Anyway to make a long story short I survived that mother fucker 😛😛😛 !! The name of the people and water park have been left out. I not the kine guy shows up to your house to play and gets hurt and tries to sue you so all love ❤️ to everyone who helped me get there and helped me survive 🤙 Maybe I was the first guy in history to get sucked into a wave pool engine room while it is in operation but no matter what happens in life and no matter how scary it is if I can offer you any advice I would just say to “stay calm”. If I didn’t fight tough cunts my whole life I might have panicked, but it was just another day in the office

Shane Dorian, who was the legendary Big Island surfer who saved BJ, replied,

“Happy you kept it together down there. That was really terrifying. Live to shred another day!”