Star of television flop “The Ultimate Surfer” lands dream gig: “Bachelor Nation – I couldn’t be more thrilled to be home. Word on the street is it’s pretty AMAZING around here!”

A star is born.

ABC and World Surf League reality television program The Ultimate Surfer wrapped last week, or maybe the week before, with Zeke Lau and Tia Blanco holding trophies high over their heads, World Championship Tour wildcards stuffed into boardshort pockets.

It was an absolute flop, by standards, shedding viewers episode to episode and ending its run dead last in its Monday night time slot.

But I thought a star would rise from those Nielsen ashes, was almost certain, and that it would be Joe Turpel. “Sitting there, behind a desk, wearing his classic short-sleeved Hawaiian button-up, skin buttery tan, chestnut hair coiffed around headphone microphone combination, blue eyes flashing, voice pure single batch Mrs. Butterworth syrup, Turpel owned the screen, undeniably, and is now, officially, on a collision course with fame, fortune…” I wrote at the time positive that we would see him soar.

Well, Turpel is back to calling professional surfing but his castmate, host Jesse Palmer, has just been announced as the new host of perennial hit The Bachelor.

“For more than 20 years, The Bachelor has brought the world dozens of unforgettable love stories, including at one time, my own,” Palmer told celebrity lifestyle magazine Us Weekly. “Falling in love is one of life’s greatest gifts, and I am humbled by the opportunity to return to the show as host this season to offer the newest Bachelor advice gained from firsthand experience and I am grateful to play a small part in his journey.”

He also took to Twitter, declaring, “Bachelor Nation- I couldn’t be more thrilled to be home with my @bachelorabc family! Word on the street is it’s pretty AMAZING around here!” ending the missive with a rose emoji.

Palmer replaces old host Chris Harrison who got in very much trouble, disappeared, for defending Bachelor winner Rachael Kirkconnell after photographs surfaced of her standing in front of plantation for a Old South-themed fraternity party when she was nineteen.

ABC has not announced that Joe Turpel will be this year’s Bachelor but my fingers are still crossed.

More as the story develops.

"I'm just getting kinda TO'd. I mean, she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet."

Shockwave sent through surf world as WSL star Ellie-Jean Coffey and sister Holly-Daze are removed from Instagram, losing over two million followers, following multiple complaints from disgruntled fans, “We did it, lads. All those reports of scam/fraud actually worked!”

Incels, keeping Instagram safe and welcoming.

Hell hath no fury like an Incel scorned, a maxim proved true last month after the surf-stars-turned-adult-entertainers Ellie-Jean Coffey and her sister Holly-Daze had their wildly successful Instagram accounts, both with over one-million followers, removed from the platform after a series of apparently coordinated and, likely, vexatious, complaints. 

(The sadness of fans linked, I think, to grave disappointment, for reality is always a shock after fantasy, and not actual fraud.)

It’s been a year since the former world number twenty-five surfer Ellie-Jean Coffey took to Instagram to announce her ten-dollars-a-month subscriber-only website that promised “uncensored content, private chat and more.”

Some fans were disappointed when the ten dollars a month (US) only cracked the door to a banner asking for much larger sums, $65, $85 for the holy grail of “fingering pussy”, “taking panties off” and so on.

A Reddit thread on the topic revealed a community of disappointed men.

One wrote, “She just sent me a post saying she’s using her vibrator on her pussy, and charging $150 for it. Lmao what the fuck does this girl think she can get away with?!” 

The Redditors created an encrypted chat room on Discord to share explicit content bought from the site. 

A socialist experiment where capital is pooled and the harvest shared.

At the time, the group’s latest crowd fund was to buy a $120 video that promised, “PUSSY FUCKED. My bare pussy getting penetrated by DICK for my birthday. UNCENSORED and NSFW XXX action for over 5 mins.”

Like all socialist experiments, heavy with good intention but operating at odds with basic human nature, the chat room descended into brutal internecine fighting before reuniting in a bid to have EJ removed from Instagram. 

“Haha yep, we did it lads,” wrote one. “All those reports of scam/fraud actually worked on both Holly and Ellie. Serves them right.”

When it was discovered she’d created another account, reports were quickly forward to Instagram. 

“Well that wasn’t hard,” wrote one Redditor with a screen shot of a thank you from Instagram for his diligent reporting. 

Meanwhile, on the Discord, videos continue to be shared and examined in forensic detail for flaws.

About an explicit short film of a tanned ass raised, and with a two-headed dildo poised at the nexus of reproduction and waste, one writes, “Yeah and how would you know it went in? Can’t see anything, looks like it’s rubbed outside if anything.” 

Another screen grabs the moment of glory where one head has disappeared, “Looks in to me.” 

“Fair enough I’ll copy that. Still a shit vid where you see fuck all.” 

Difficult to please etc. 

Holly-Daze, meanwhile, has kicked live her back-up account on Instagram, which is already at 50k followers. 

A stretch of coast so iconic A & F named an offshoot surf label after it!

Hollister Ranch owners prepare for VAL army, porta-toilets and shuttle buses as April, 2022, opening date looms!

"Really, no one wants to be around surfers. We’re pretty gross, honestly."

For surfers in California, Hollister Ranch exerts a unique hold on the imagination.

Whispered stories of perfect waves pass from one generation to the next. Surfers scheme for access, by boat or by land. Countless misadventures involving offshore winds, balky outboard motors, or machine gun-wielding landowners enliven parking lot story sessions.

Covering nearly 14,000 acres, the Ranch is a postcard from a California that mostly no longer exists. It’s not untouched, by any means, but there’s a time machine quality to the rolling grass-covered hills, stream-cut canyons, dirt roads and roaming cattle.

You shoulda been here yesterday, it seems to say.

This week, the Ranch is back in the news.

On 24 September, the Coastal Commission posted a draft plan for public access. Created by four California agencies, the plan runs close to 200 pages, and it will be the subject of a public workshop during the Coastal Commission’s October session.

Now, I understand that you may have forgotten all about this whole Hollister Ranch public access saga. I get you. It is hard to remember all the things. Allow me to remind you briefly how we got here.

About two years ago now, the California legislature passed a law that required public access to the Ranch. The legislation directed state and local land management agencies to develop a plan.

The result of their efforts would govern what access might look like and what infrastructure it might require. The law imposed a deadline of April 2022, which is approaching quickly.

Much pearl-clutching followed the passing of this legislation. Purists decried the dirty hordes of kooks descending on their untrammeled Eden.

Really, no one wants to be around surfers. We’re pretty gross, honestly.

Though it’s easy to mock some of these arguments — and I do mock them, regularly — the diverse land use patterns of the Ranch complicate the planning process. Cattle from the area’s ranches roam freely. Fragile habitats and environmental treasures deserve protection. Wealthy landowners demand privacy and unobstructed views.

Surfers, well, they just want to surf.

How will all the dirty hordes of kooks make it to the beach?

Well, that’s one of the big questions.

Any future trails or roads would require easements across private land. Where will those easements fall? How much infrastructure will there be? And who will maintain it? It’s all enough to make even the most dedicated public policy nerd throw in the towel.

Like, forget this. Let’s all just go to Malibu.

The planning agencies did not go to Malibu. Instead they have released a draft plan, which calls for a two-year trial period of access.

So far, there is no agency charged with managing that access. That’s one of the plan’s first steps.

What does it look like?

For the first two years, up to 100 people per day could be allowed to visit the Ranch. A shuttle might carry them to the Ranch’s sought-after beaches, and the staging area for the shuttle would run about $2 million. The first phase does not envision any significant beach infrastructure, just porta-potties and trashcans.

The first two-year period is designed to buy time to sort out additional details.

A trail for bike and hiking access is one example. Actually building anything could take years of wrangling, because any trail would almost certainly cross private property. That means negotiating easements with landowners. The state legislature wrote $11 million into this year’s budget for Hollister Ranch projects.

After two years, the draft rather optimistically envisions a more permanent set-up. Access would be managed by shuttle, trail, or both. Sewer lines and bathrooms might be built. And, the number of daily visitors could increase up to 500 people.

So, roughly the lineup at Trestles on a good day. Eat your heart out, Los Angeles.

Predictably, land owners are not that excited about this process.

After all, they have fought long and hard to keep the gates to their slice of paradise firmly shut. But just as the tides swing, change comes even if we’d prefer that it did not — and perhaps, especially when we’d prefer that it did not.

You can read the full draft plan via the Coastal Commission. 

The Coastal Commission’s October 14 workshop is open to the public and will be held over Zoom. 

The Commission invites the public to submit comments ahead of time to [email protected] and you can also submit a speaker request.

Early next year, the Coastal Commission will meet again to nail down the details, including just how many people will be allowed to visit the Ranch during the initial access period.

Expect some form of reservation system. Get your refresh keys ready.

It is one of the joys of California that beaches are public space, and the Ranch’s beaches, however precious should be open.

But in its efforts to be everything to everyone involved, this process feels a little like the worst of all possible worlds.

Public access, yes, but not really.

Preservation of the area’s unique qualities, but not really that either.

I don’t think there were porta-potties in Eden.

The best moments in surfing are born of uncertainty and the weird, unexpected things that happen along the way.

For the foreseeable future, scoring good waves at the Ranch will still likely depend on the same things it always has: the vagaries of an outboard engine, a willingness to trespass or friends in the right places.

And, I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing.

Hawaiian World Champ John John Florence boldly steals moniker “White Chocolate” from former NBA basketball player Jason Williams!

Instant classic?

A good nickname is as fine a thing as any. Earvin “Magic” Johnson, Michael “Air” Jordan, Shoaib “Rawalpindi Express” Akhatar, Duncan “Disorderly” Ferguson, Keith “Raging Potato” Wood, Nicolas “The Incredible Sulk” Anelka, Chrissie “The Chrissinator” Wellington to list but a few classics.

Oh, our surfing has some wonderful ones too. Miki “Da Cat” Dora, Gerry “Mr. Pipeline” Lopez,  Mark “Wounded Seagull” Richards, John “John” Florence.

I’ve always liked the subtlety of double John. Quiet, authoritative yet the Hawaiian world champ may have tired of the simplicity and is auditioning a new one.

John “White Chocolate” Florence.

How do you feel about it?

My heretofore favorite “White Chocolate” was the NBA basketball player Jason Williams.

Do you remember him?

Many fancy passes and deep threes.

Back to “White Chocolate” Florence, though. Yay? Nay?

Open Thread: Comment Live, Finals Day of the Cuervo Surf Ranch Classic straight outta Lemoore!

The world's greatest longboard wave sees hot action.

Disappointment reigns in longboard-curious professional surf fans’ hearts this morning as the Cuervo Surf Ranch Classic is live at the world’s greatest longboarding wave, yet the World Surf League has thrown some sort of evil hex on its YouTube stream and also not carrying it on Facebook which means BeachGrit‘s patented Open Thread: Comment Live must go old-school.

Like longboarding itself, I suppose.

Click here to watch. Leave this page open. Gingerly cross-step with your foam-fluid brothers and sisters below.