Get WHOOPed.

I am back from that beautiful gem in California’s much-maligned Central Valley with a new hunger for our sport of kings. A reinvigorated passion to learn, improve, to be the best surfer in the water not by having the most fun, no never, but, rather, by surfing the best. Opening shoulders during turns, bending at the knees not the waist, etc.

It was at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch that I learned, for the first time, that fitness actually enhances surfing. Thigh muscles necessary, a torso that can twist, but how to build the platform and build quick all while measuring progress with WHOOP, the very latest in fitness tracking excellence?

Prison.

If Hollywood has taught me anything, it is that Robert De Niro looked peak best in Cape Fear, Steve McQueen in Papillon, Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke all lean and well-muscled. They looked like they would have each a fine wrapping cutback and I should attempt to become prison fit like them but how?

Ahhhh, Cousin Danny.

My own flesh and blood is currently serving yet another stint inside after going on yet another bank robbery spree after getting out of prison for going on a bank robbery spree and nearing legendary status.

A stone’s throw from being the most prolific bank robber in United States history.

The book, featuring Cousin Danny’s run, releases this Spring (Blessed are the Bank Robbers: The True Adventures of an Evangelical Outlaw, pre-order here etc.) and you can learn much about how to rob banks for yourself but we had never discussed fitness and so I asked him forthwith.

“How can I get prison fit?”

He responded mercifully quickly.

“10x pushups, 10x squats, ten times. 9x pushups, 9x squats, nine times. 8x pushups, 8x squats, eight times all the way down to one and then back up to ten.”

Visions of pig dogged tube rides danced in my head as marched out to the backyard cedar paneled yoga room, the closest approximation to cement box I currently have, and began.

I finished after 160 pushups, 160 squats, not even 3/10 of the way through the program. Shoulders on fire, especially reconstructed one. Thighs unable to take anymore. Sweating more profusely than after running three miles, than surfing Surf Ranch for an hour plus twenty minutes.

WHOOP strap, never not affixed, registered the strain as a 12.9.

A fine number, more than running three miles, and I felt well on my way to a powerful down carve so went surfing immediately.

I was too tired to do much, barely able to pop to feet, but did do one turn in my short 45 min session that felt powerful-adjacent and I knew I was on the right path.

Hardening up.

The surfing, itself, still did not register as an “activity.”

But silver lining?

Two weeks ago, the Honolulu Star-Advertiser published a damning report fingering surf great Kelly Slater along with other oceanfront homeowners there on Oahu’s North Shore who have installed illegal devices on the sand in order to protect their investments from an increasingly violent sea.

The makeshift seawalls and sand bag thingers, called burritos, were temporarily allowed for some homeowners in 2018 with the promise that they would be removed. Robust beach erosion followed, as “hardening” the shoreline causes beaches to disappear, sand getting sucked away etc.

Oahu, per the report, has already lost 25% of its beaches and scientists declare that number is on its way to 40% with the hardening but the Hawaiian government has remained quiet… until now.

The Department of Land and Natural Resources, reacting to frustration from the island’s non-rich residents, has admitted that the structures have “led to obvious degradation of the public beach resource” and shall henceforth send letters to the homeowners detailing their “alleged noncompliance.”

Zing.

According to ProPublica:

Under state law, officials can fine property owners $15,000 a day for unauthorized structures that remain on the beach, though they have yet to take that step against homeowners with expired permits. Nevertheless, the uptick in oversight represents a stark shift in approach for Hawaii’s coastal officials.

As the Star-Advertiser and ProPublica reported last year, temporary sandbags and burrito systems are rarely removed from public beaches when their permissions are set to expire, in large part because state officials have repeatedly granted homeowners extensions or don’t enforce their own deadlines. In addition, the state has often granted after-the-fact approval for structures that were built illegally.

In at least one case where coastal officials rejected an illegal barrier, they did not force its removal. In 2018, Kelly Slater, an 11-time world surfing champion who lives on Ehukai Beach by the world-famous Banzai Pipeline surf break, illegally installed a barrier made out of thick fabric. He was fined just $2,000. DLNR told the Star-Advertiser and ProPublica this month that “unauthorized land uses continue to exist” in front of Slater’s property and the department is “attempting to get the landowner to comply.” Slater, who did not respond to a request for comment, previously told the news organizations that without the sandbags people “would have lost properties outright.”

Asked why authorities hadn’t yet forced North Shore homeowners to remove the burritos with expired permits, OCCL said that many of the homes remain imminently threatened and that property owners have a right to due process. Officials have also said that they’re concerned about potential public safety hazards created by homes that could fall into the ocean.

Wait.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Slater’s collapsed, ocean-drowned home becoming a new reef that rivals the Banzai Pipeline?

That’s so Kelly!

Inventor of professional surfing Randy Rarick is also interviewed in the report and tells homeowners to kick rocks.

Body shamers are the worst.

In a reach around that even has the most adroit applied linguists flummoxed, it appears that the mainstream media has drawn the singular conclusion that Jonah Hill is being body shamed by a subset of surfers who declare he “ruined” the pastime of kings.

The controversy ignited, yesterday, when the 21 Jump Street alum spotted a sticker reading “Jonah Hill ruined surfing” somewhere, snapped a photo of it, uploaded it onto his Instagram Stories and shared with his 3.2 million ageist, misogynistic followers.

Oh but he was not undone by the hurtful sentiment, bravely stating, “I will never stop doing things that make me happy no matter how insecure my happiness makes you.”

His girlfriend, and surf instructor, chimed in, “If you feel the need to rain on someone else’s parade, ask yourself why and consider getting yourself a life.”

“Get a life.”

Classic.

In any case, Jonah Hill hasn’t, of course, “ruined” surfing though he is the face of a new wave of sliders culturally appropriating something that has belonged to others who culturally appropriated it, like, forever ago.

An Inertia.

The body shaming angle, however, is odd.

The Independent writing:

Jonah Hill and girlfriend Sarah Brady have responded to a sign that read the actor “ruined surfing” with messages of body positivity.

The sign was an insensitive reference to paparazzi photographs of the 21 Jump Street actor surfing in a black wetsuit in February.

At the time, Hill said his childhood insecurities were “exacerbated by years of public mockery” about his body by the media, but that photographs like that no longer “phase” the Oscar nominee.

Metro adding:

Jonah Hill is not here for people trolling his love of surfing.

The 21 Jump Street actor, 37, recently pleaded with fans to stop making comments on his weight after pictures surfaced of him enjoying time in the water.

Sharon Stone appeared to ignore his message, and was promptly blasted by followers for not listening.

According to Entertainment Tonight Canada, he has since taken to his Instagram story to share sticker which trolled his passion for water sports, reading: ‘Jonah Hill ruined surfing’.

Many more all in the same vein.

But do you see a body shaming angle here?

Hear a body shaming dog whistle?

Asshole.