Knives drawn.

Amidst much controversy, the World Surf League released an image honoring Kelly Slater on his 50th birthday that is very much polarizing art critics and lay persons alike.

Harold Rosenberg of ARTnews declared:

Weak mysticism, the “Christian Science” side of the new movement, tends … toward easy painting—never so many unearned masterpieces! Works of this sort lack the dialectical tension of a genuine act, associated with risk and will. When a tube of paint is squeezed by the Absolute, the result can only be a Success. The painter need keep himself on hand solely to collect the benefits of an endless series of strokes of luck. His gesture completes itself without arousing either an opposing movement within itself nor the desire in the artist to make the act more fully his own. Satisfied with wonders that remain safely inside the canvas, the artist accepts the permanence of the commonplace and decorates it with his own daily annihilation. The result is an apocalyptic wallpaper.

Thomas McEvilley of MoMA countered:

The fact that the primitive “looks like” the Modern is interpreted as validating the Modern by showing that its values are universal, while at the same time projecting it—and with it MoMA—into the future as a permanent canon. A counter view is possible: that primitivism on the contrary invalidates Modernism by showing it to be derivative and subject to external causation. At one level this show undertakes precisely to coopt that question by answering it before it has really been asked, and by burying it under a mass of information.

Knives drawn.

What do you feel?

Where do you go when you gaze into the void?

Describe.

Sunset. Big, unruly. It’s the kind of place that’s pretty obviously trying to kill you, or at least, shove a hell of a lot of water up your nose. Looks super fun!

To begin with, I should tell you that I hate writing listicles with every ounce of my hate.

But, for you, the people, I will make an exception. Also, if the men have power rankings, surely the women must have them, too.

Equality, it’s what’s for dinner. Pass the salt.

Sunset. Big, unruly. It’s the kind of place that’s pretty obviously trying to kill you, or at least, shove a hell of a lot of water up your nose. Looks super fun!

I have stared long and hard at the heat draw. I don’t think it made me smarter. Really, next time, I should just pluck names out of a hat. Here it is, my super not-at-all scientific women’s power rankings ahead of Sunset.

To the rankings!

18. India Robinson
Someone has to be last, and this time around, that spot belongs to India. Lingering concussion symptoms put her out of Pipeline, but she’s back in the draw for Sunset. India made a run up the Challenger Series rankings at the Roxy Pro France where she finished second to Brisa, and surfed well in the Challenger Series event at Haleiwa. Nowhere to go but up!

17. Luana Silva
Luana grew up surfing the North Shore and is BFF with Bettylou Sakura Johnson. It’s extremely likely I’m ranking her far too low here, since she almost certainly has spent time in the lineup at Sunset. Luana’s one of the new girls, and I’ll just go ahead and say, straight up, I don’t know as much as about her as I should. Surprise me, Luana!

16. Molly Picklum
Another one of the new girls, Molly had a drama path to the CT. She tied Luana on the Challenger Series, and lost it on the count-back. Off Tour. Then, back on again after Caity Simmers declined her spot. Molly looked stylish at Haleiwa, and has some solid results in the junior rankings. She may well deserve a higher ranking than I’ve given her here, but she’s short on experience. Gotta start somewhere.

15. Brisa Hennessey
During the Covid competition break, Brisa made a gorgeous edit surfing the waves around Tavarua — including a nice barrel out at Cloudbreak. Her contest heats seem hit and miss to me. Sometimes, she’s brilliant, other times, it’s just not happening. She made it through to quarters at Pipeline. Can she push through the size at Sunset?

14. Moana Jones Wong
Surfing’s new It Girl, Moana won Pipeline in style. She’s spent the past five years surfing five and six hour days out there. There’s a trade-off, of course. Six-hour days at Pipe aren’t going to help at Sunset, where Moana will be on her backhand. Yes, she put up a couple nice waves for the Vans Triple Crown, but her turns aren’t on the same level as the CT women. Outside of Pipeline, Moana’s contest results are few and far between. Barrels? Sure. Backside turns, I’m not convinced.

13. Sally Fitzgibbons
It feels a bit strange to put a CT veteran and top-five finisher from last year this far down the rankings. Do I know what I’m doing over here? Probably not. I don’t think of Sal as a girl for the bigger stuff. Am I wrong? Entirely possible.

12. Isabella Nichols
If she hadn’t made it on Tour, Isabella would have headed to university to study engineering. But she qualified and here we are. One of Isabella’s first Backdoor barrels at Pipeline was so smooth and stylish. I had her firmly slotted as a beach-break surfer after the first few events of 2021, but I’m pretty convinced she has more to offer. Let’s see what happens at Sunset.

11. Bronte McCaulay
Fresh off the plane, Bronte is a last-minute substitute for Caroline Marks, who is taking time off from the CT for health reasons. Bronte is legit good in solid surf with a strong backhand. If she weren’t fresh off the plane, I’d slide her higher in the rankings.

10. Gabriela Bryan
One of the many Hawaiians in the draw for Sunset, Gabriela has spent plenty of time surfing the North Shore. She knows what she’s in for at Sunset and her powerful style is well-suited to the wave. She’s been steadily posting up clips this winter. Looks good, so far. I’d rank her higher if she had more CT experience. I may be making an embarrassing mistake here.

9. Johanne Defay
Johanne said over on the Instagram that she has a minor knee injury from getting lipped at Backdoor. It might have been worse, except she trains like a demon. Let that be a lesson to you, kids. Training is good. Johanne is not afraid of size, but always seems to go better in lefts. Sunset? Rights. I know that much, at least.

8. Courtney Conlogue
With her go-for-broke style, Courtney will either win or get nothing. She’s won Bells Beach in sizable conditions, and she can wrangle heavy sections. Of the top women on the CT, she’s the most willing to huck and pray. That may well serve her well if Sunset turns unruly. Inconsistency puts her out of the top of the rankings, but if she wins, I would not be entirely surprised.

7. Malia Manuel
Her smooth, graceful style may not be especially well-suited to Sunset, but she’s experienced and not afraid of size. Malia finished second to Courtney at Bells. If I’m honest, this ranking is as much from my heart as it is from my head. I just love her surfing.

6. Tati West
One of the strongest backside surfers on Tour, Tati came within a heat of snatching the world title straight out Carissa’s grasp last year. Sunset is no party for goofyfooters, so I’m probably ranking her too highly here. And actually, I’m starting to lose my mind. Listicles, not my thing.

5. Lakey Peterson
After a year off from the CT due to a back injury, Lakey returned to a semifinal finish at Pipeline. Her semi heat with Carissa was nothing special, but she nailed a couple Backdoor waves early on. Lakey has one turn, really. She’s fast and dynamic, but sometimes tries too hard to force it. Lakey might be the scrappiest heat surfer on Tour, always looking for that one last score. I appreciate her never say die approach.

4. Bettylou Sakura Johnson
A Hawaii girl, Bettylou learned to surf at Haleiwa. She’s got plenty of power and she’s comfortable in size. Her inexperience with heat surfing showed when Isabella beat her at Pipe, but I don’t think she’ll make that mistake again. At 16, she’s one of the sport’s future stars, and that future may come more quickly than we expect. She beat Carissa in the Challenger Series event at Haleiwa. The conditions were shit in the final, but Bettylou deserves to celebrate that one. Sunset? Sure, why the hell not.

3. Tyler Wright
The last time the women surfed a CT at Sunset Beach, it was 2010. I think I have that right. Tyler was a wildcard for that event. Also, she won it. I’ll be honest: I don’t love that layback Tyler does on just about every wave. But the judges do. Her Backdoor eight was legit. While Tyler says she’s scared of big Hawaii, she can surf it. I almost flipped her ranking with Lakey. Life is chaos.

2. Steph Gilmore
It might just be force of habit to put Steph this high in the rankings. But she’s a seven-time world champion, and she won Sunset Beach twice early in her career. Going right is Steph’s whole thing, and if the conditions clean up, she’ll bring her beautiful rail surfing to the party. Few do it better than Steph at her best. Steph’s heat surfing these days is either brilliant or disastrous. The brilliant days, there’s no one I’d rather watch. Here’s hoping it’s the good Steph, not her evil falling twin who paddles out at Sunset.

1. Carissa Moore
In 2009 surfing as a wildcard, Carissa won the CT at Sunset Beach. She’s also the only woman ever to compete in the men’s Triple Crown, and Carissa spends her winters surfing the North Shore. The waves suit her to perfection. On a purely technical level, no one matches Carissa — and she just keeps getting better. If Carissa has a weakness, it’s a tendency to overthink things. She defeated herself at Pipe and she almost certainly knows it. No shame there, even the very best stumble sometimes, and Carissa will be determined to put all that behind her.

Longboarding for the win!

The most exciting story in all of surfing, outside Kelly Slater’s vaccination status, is the World Surf League’s 2021 longboard champion Joel Tudor opening a guerrilla front against Santa Monica that has since blown into open warfare. The whole imbroglio swirled to life, days ago, as a rumor surfaced that the WSL was going to slash its Longboard World Tour from three events to one. Tudor took to Instagram to demand account, in light of the League leaning heavily on longboarding images, videos, on its social channels and especially during the just-wrapped, highly successful, Billabong Pro Pipeline.

The World Surf League, neither addressed the rumor of decimation nor underlying issues and instead released a letter from the desk of commissioner Jessi Miley-Dyer criticizing Tudor for being “inaccurate and misleading.”

Tudor published the ill-conceived missive, calling for “town hall meetings” amongst other things, and here we are.

Bombs bursting in air.

World Surf League taking heavy losses as its recent breast pounding regarding “equality” and “inclusivity” made to look purely performative.

But what does Joel Tudor actually wish for? I called to ask and he was kind enough to answer on his way through the smoke, ready to pound his 95-theses on the World Surf League’s Wall of Positive Noise.

You know, guys don’t have much leg to stand on but regards to the women it’s insulting that the WSL is trying to beat around the bush. They use women’s longboarding to promote everything. The surf brands too, every single major surf brand, has used women’s longboarding for years and years and years without paying them barely anything and now the ASP, sorry WSL, has an opportunity to do something but they’re going to cut the tour down to one event? You can’t make a champion out of one event. I might have stayed quiet but when I was watching Pipe, they kept running the same ad of women’s longboarding and it kicked back all these memories. You’ve got an ad calling for equality and togetherness? Nothing has changed. They use it but never support it and this is especially true with the women. 

It was at this point I expected Tudor to go in for the kill. He has won the moral high ground and also has the business high ground. Women’s longboarding is the biggest growth sector in surfing, has been for a long time, and longboards, not softops but glass and resin longboards, make up the vast majority of surfboards sold. Plus, the longboard side of the draw is the only to ever feature two black surfers in a final. The terms of surrender very much up to him and so I asked, “What’s the dream?”

Three events is a good start. As a kid, when I first became a professional, longboarding was cool sideshow on the down days. Just tack us on to your existing events and save money. The infrastructure, hold window, judges everything is already there but they’ve never given us a chance. Are they scared we’re going to steal the show? Lowers, Bells, Hossegor… we used to be part of the tour but for for thirty-two years, thirty-two fucking years, they won’t let us have us but want to run this fake shit about equality and inclusiveness. Don’t be a bunch of fucking phonies.

Three events?

It sounds beyond reasonable.

Maybe even too reasonable.

World Surf League?

An easy doggy door. Just claim “rumor” of longboard world tour decimation are completely unfounded and kick it back to three events. Hell, actually don’t be a bunch of fucking phonies and kick it to five.

Longboarding at Bells instead. Lowers too.

Detente.

"There’s a reason I’m not talking about it that is personal. I do believe that medical privacy is a real thing."

Earlier today, the triple-vetted rumour that Kelly Slater, noted for his public opposition to vax mandates, “has already been vaccinated and may be ready to push through Australia’s green and gold gates with no fuss at all.”

Per reporter Smith’s story, 

“He is number one in the rankings, heading into the Hurley Pro Sunset Beach, with the Australian leg to follow. Students of the game will certainly be aware that the land down under cares not for pedigree, for athletic excellence, in the face of a waning Coronavirus pandemic having recently shamed tennis star Novak Djokovic out of Melbourne for his refusal to “take the jab” but will Slater’s noted ultra-competitiveness, his quest for title number 12, overwhelm his own very public vaccine hesitancy?

“Unbelievable?”

Apparently, not.

“I’ll see you in Australia,” Slater has just told Reuters. “(My vaccination status) is an important question, and there’s a reason I’m not talking about it that is personal. I do believe that medical privacy is a real thing. But I think my answer that I’ll see you in Australia answers that.”

The comments mark a stunning backflip for the world’s greatest athlete whose world title dreams were in tatters only a few weeks ago after Australia’s federal sports minister Richard Colbeck said Slater “has no chance of getting into the country” unless he’s injected with an approved COVID-vaccine prior to arrival.

“I reckon he knows the rules. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a surfer, or a tennis player, a tourist or anyone else, those are the rules. They apply to everyone,” Colbeck said. “I don’t like the chances of him competing in Victoria, and I’d hate to think of what the chances were of him competing in Western Australia.”

The fourth and fifth events on this year’s ten-event tour are Bells and Margarets, April 10 through May 4.

Australia’s vax policies came into sharp relief over the past month following the deportation of world number one tennis player Novak Djokovic.

Novak, who ain’t into COVID vaccines, secured a vax exemption to compete at the Australian Open in Melbourne, which, amid a rising furore from Australians, was quickly cancelled by the country’s PM.

When The New York Times posted the story on Instagram, Slater teed off with the claim Melbourne’s citizens had been brainwashed by its state masters, developing a bond with their captors during six lockdowns totalling 262 days after COVID kicked off worldwide in March 2020.

“Maybe Stockholm Syndrome can now change its name to Melbourne/Australia Syndrome,” wrote Slater. “It’s sad to see the celebrated division by the “virtuous” vaccinated. If you’re vaccinated why are you concerned/worried about anyone else’s status… unless, of course, it doesn’t protect you? Or you’re scared you’ll catch it or upset you had to take the risk of vaccination yourself? So much brainwashed hatred in people’s hearts regardless of vax status.”

Last October, Slater was slammed by the Australian press after launching multiple fronts in the online vaccine war, saying friends have “literally” been killed by vaccines and that he knows more about being healthy than “99 percent of doctors.”