Surf Journalist falls down deep rock n’ roll hole, discovers depth of depravity when served “Rolling Stone’s best surfboards to buy online this summer!”

Idle hands are the devil's playground.

This morning just so happens to find me in Copenhagen, the finest city on earth. I am here, ostensibly, for ballet. The Royal Danish is one of the world’s better and my young daughter is taking daily lessons in the shadow of the city’s magnificent opera house leaving me hours to wander, to think, to write except idle hands are well-known to be the devil’s playground and the devil has pitched me right down a rock n’ roll hole.

COPENHELL is in full swing, for example, and the quaint streets are clogged with hirsute men each wearing black denim vests festooned with Metallica, Opeth, Bersærk, Death to All patches. They drink Torborg out of tall cans and pitch each other devil horns when passing.

Inspiring.

And I was inspired to meet with my wonderful friend, Sune Rose Wagner of The Ravonettes wherein we started drinking Negronis early and drank them often. The Ravonettes are not exactly “metal” and Negronis are not exactly “core” but we do what we do and I sat there enjoying the thumping bass lines of my own heart, talking melody lines with Wagner, thinking “I want to rock n’ roll all night, and party every day.”

Kiss is also playing COPENHELL.

In any case, right when I thought I had reached the gates of Valhalla, I was served an article from “counterculture bible” Rolling Stone magazine which shared “The Best Surfboards to Buy Online This Summer.”

It began, “Like any sport, choosing the right gear can make or break your surfing experience. The best surfboards are not the fanciest or coolest-looking: they’re the ones best suited to your ability and the surf conditions. For beginners and beginner-intermediate surfers, that means a bigger board that’s easy to stand up on in smaller, less powerful waves.”

Overcome with curiosity, I scrolled straight down and discovered loving descriptions of the Softech Roller Longboard, the Wavestorm 8ft Classic, the Solid Surfboard Throwback Fish, which Rolling Stone declares, “The fish’s quad-fin setup is great too. This lets you surf a classic two-fin setup or a quad-fin setup for more maneuverability. It comes in three length options (5’10,” 6,’ or 6’2”), and we suggest choosing the size that’s closest to your own height.”

What sort of demonic sorcery is this?

Idle hands, man. Idle hands.