Surf Journalist falls down deep rock n’ roll hole, discovers depth of depravity when served “Rolling Stone’s best surfboards to buy online this summer!”

Idle hands are the devil's playground.

This morning just so happens to find me in Copenhagen, the finest city on earth. I am here, ostensibly, for ballet. The Royal Danish is one of the world’s better and my young daughter is taking daily lessons in the shadow of the city’s magnificent opera house leaving me hours to wander, to think, to write except idle hands are well-known to be the devil’s playground and the devil has pitched me right down a rock n’ roll hole.

COPENHELL is in full swing, for example, and the quaint streets are clogged with hirsute men each wearing black denim vests festooned with Metallica, Opeth, Bersærk, Death to All patches. They drink Torborg out of tall cans and pitch each other devil horns when passing.


And I was inspired to meet with my wonderful friend, Sune Rose Wagner of The Ravonettes wherein we started drinking Negronis early and drank them often. The Ravonettes are not exactly “metal” and Negronis are not exactly “core” but we do what we do and I sat there enjoying the thumping bass lines of my own heart, talking melody lines with Wagner, thinking “I want to rock n’ roll all night, and party every day.”

Kiss is also playing COPENHELL.

In any case, right when I thought I had reached the gates of Valhalla, I was served an article from “counterculture bible” Rolling Stone magazine which shared “The Best Surfboards to Buy Online This Summer.

It began, “Like any sport, choosing the right gear can make or break your surfing experience. The best surfboards are not the fanciest or coolest-looking: they’re the ones best suited to your ability and the surf conditions. For beginners and beginner-intermediate surfers, that means a bigger board that’s easy to stand up on in smaller, less powerful waves.”

Overcome with curiosity, I scrolled straight down and discovered loving descriptions of the Softech Roller Longboard, the Wavestorm 8ft Classic, the Solid Surfboard Throwback Fish, which Rolling Stone declares, “The fish’s quad-fin setup is great too. This lets you surf a classic two-fin setup or a quad-fin setup for more maneuverability. It comes in three length options (5’10,” 6,’ or 6’2”), and we suggest choosing the size that’s closest to your own height.”

What sort of demonic sorcery is this?

Idle hands, man. Idle hands.

Dirty Water: World champion surfer Barton Lynch on being falsely outed as a “Commie Red”, living on “stolen land” and the wild viral success of his Karl Marx beard, “It was the most thoughtful and deliberate conversation I have ever had!”

"Stimulation of conversation is a good thing!"

Rarely do I get as much pleasure as when the telephone connects to the 1988 world champion Barton Lynch, who cinched his title at perfect eight-to-twelve-foot Pipeline but is now more famous for his oratorical gymkhanas on WSL broadcasts.

A few days ago, BeachGrit outed Barton as a filthy communist bastard,  which you can read here, and which was swiftly refuted, here. 

A very good time to pick up the telephone, I figured.

And, reader, I do wish this was a video broadcast, just so you could see the way his three-month beard twitches and his body quivers with excitement when points are made.

You may not always, or ever, agree with Barton, but he makes for great company.

And, it’s a pantomime I was thrilled to be a part of.


Hill (pictured) on his throne.
Hill (pictured) on his throne.

Universally adored big board surfer, heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne Jonah Hill thrills locals by purchasing “beach side” Malibu Colony home for $15.5 million after signaling move to Hawaii!

Long live the king.

Jonah Hill is, without one doubt the world’s favorite surfer. Over one year ago, now, the Wolf of Wall Street co-star made his love for our sport of kings very well known and was captured much plying his art on Malibu’s gorgeously tapered shoulders. The wildly popular surf network, BeachGrit, celebrated his rise, carefully documenting his every move including his purchase, just one year ago, of a Malibu home thereby insuring his spot as heir to the great Miki Dora’s throne.

Months ago, however, it was revealed that Hill and his surf instructor girlfriend were planning a move to paradise, i.e. Hawaii. The latter posted an Instagram message declaring a love for the islands and spoke of “soon calling this place home.” It was quickly modified but Malibu serfs were thrown into disarray, wondering if their benevolent ruler was going to abdicate. Disarray turned to straight worry when it was reported that the Superbad co-star had unloaded his New York loft for a cool $11 million, the assumption being a home in Honolulu was a foregone conclusion, the kingdom of Waikiki all but his.

Disarray, however, has since been replaced by sheer joy as news is trickling out that the War Dogs co-star has just purchased a beachfront Malibu home for just south of $15.5 million.

Per Dirt:

A little over a year ago, Jonah Hill purchased a contemporary home on the “land side” of Malibu Colony for $9 million. Now records show the Oscar-nominated actor has just doled out nearly $15.5 million for another residence in the same guard-gated enclave, this one on the “beach side,” right on a desirable strip of sand offering picturesque ocean views.

Resided in for decades by the late Paul and Joan Almond — he a Canadian filmmaker, and she a noted photographer — Hills’ most recent acquisition was originally listed for $16.9 million in November 2021 before ultimately going to the “Moneyball” star at a big discount.

Nestled on a compact 0.16-acre parcel, the three-story stucco and wood-shingled structure is separated from the street out front by a two-car garage, brick driveway and gated entry. Built in the 1930s and updated through the years, the traditional-style house has four bedrooms and an equal number of baths in 3,100 square feet of sun-drenched yet decidedly dated living space.

Among the highlights: a fireside living room boasting a vaulted wood-beam ceiling, which flows via wide arched doorways to a formal dining room and family room. There’s also a galley-style kitchen outfitted with green-hued cabinetry and newer stainless appliances. A curving staircase heads upstairs, where the master suite comes complete with an ocean-view balcony, walk-in closet, and bath sporting dual vanities and a tiled rainfall shower.

Long live the king.

Open thread, Comment Live, Elimination Round, Surf City El Salvador Pro, “Long Live the Unity of Latin America!”

Get in the heat, raise your voice!

Former child prodigy, current world number two Jack Robinson lovingly profiled in mainstream press as Australians sniff first men’s world surfing title in a decade!

"Everyone thought I was gonna go crazy..."

It seems like just yesterday that Mick Fanning was hoisting his third title high above his tow head with all of Australia cheering wildly for their hero. The sporting nation has a long, storied history in the ocean waters with many champions before Fanning, including Mark Occhilupo and Mark Richards and Tom Carroll to name but three and there was no indication that mastery over the waves and American and Brazil would end.

Except it accidentally did. That yesterday is now nearly a decade ago and no Australian has been close to a title. Thoroughly and properly dominated by John John Florence and Adriano De Souza.

But could sweet relief be just in reach in the form of Western Australia’s thoroughly lovable Jack Robinson?

After back to back event mainstream news organ The Guardian thinks yes. The one-time prodigy and current world number two is profiled in today’s online issue, readying the public for his potential ascendence.

Robinson talks about this childhood:

I did home-school for a lot of the years. Everyone kind of thought I was gonna go crazy, like didn’t know what was gonna happen with me, because I’d be surfing all the time. It was like: ‘He’s not at school!’. But I had the best time ever. I was lucky to travel at a young age and see the world, see different cultures. It was pretty cool growing up like that.

The World Qualifying Series:

I think my view on it wasn’t very good – especially when the waves were shitty.

His relationship with his unique father:

I think it’s not always the easiest when you’re doing it with your family, them playing the manager as well – doing that with the companies, managing me and then also managing the deals. He’s my Dad – we keep that relationship like that, and I think it’s in a much better place.

And this year’s building pressure:

There’s a lot going on, more eyes on you, people saying this and that. But I think the main thing is to focus on yourself. Take it moment by moment, being present, going surfing.

It is a fine profile, certainly worth a read. Enjoy here.