Blake and his wife Lauren.

Australian surfer set to smash Guinness world record for longest surf session ever, forty straight hours in the water, 500 waves shredded, “I want to prove you don’t have to be a superstar to live a full life!”

"I have (mental health) battles. I'm not nice to myself. I do these things to prove to myself I'm worthy."

Down in Cronulla, the hard-core surf town right there on Sydney’s southern rim, they call him Forest Gump. 

Peel back the curtain at four am and you’ll see this blond cat with the wild beard, former WQS pro Blake Johnston, pounding out the clicks, finishing off his pre-dawn spin with an ocean swim before rolling up to the beach to teach kids how to shred.


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After nailing a bank of insane long distance runs, Johnston, who is forty, is now set to stomp the Guinness world record for longest sesh, forty hours and 500 waves. 

Johnston was gonna do an easy six-hundred mile run to Queensland to raise awareness for mental health but, after a little Googling, discovered the world record for longest surf sesh, set by South African Josh Elsin, was only thirty hours, eleven minutes, with 455 waves eaten up. 

“I reckoned I could smash it. I can run for forty hours,” says Johnston. “And, this way, I can surf with people I like and make a difference.” 

He wants to make a diff ‘cause suicide is something real close to Johnston. His daddy took his own life and when he was a kid riding for Quiksilver, one of that company’s most popular employees Andrew Murphy, died at the hands of the black dog. 

“It affected me a lot. I have my own battles, too,” says Johnston. “I’m not nice to myself. I tell myself, ‘You’re hopeless at what you’re doing’. I’m pretty mean. I do these things to prove myself I’m worthy and that’s what my battle is. In those dark moments, I have to tell myself, well, how good is this? My boys (he’s got two of ’em, one with a spectacular mullet) deserve a strong dad.” 

Next March, Johnston is gonna hit a joint called The Alley, a wave next to a breakwall right in town, and charge corporates money for the thrill of surfing during a world record attempt and to challenge ‘emselves with a night surf.

Red Bull picking up the considerable tab for lights, judges, probs a bit of water safety to keep the Great Whites out. 

The money peeled off the corporates is going into raising mental awareness ie, helping to address the plague of suicides, particularly among young men.

I asked Johnston how he deals with the blackest moments during his endurance runs, when there ain’t a soul around in the middle of the night, ain’t nothing but your head, the voices.


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“Man, you go to places… I’m thinking about making myself proud, my family proud. I put it on myself not to make it a big deal, that people can run further and for longer than I do. But it’s hard to explain. One minute you feel invincible, the next you’re in tears. It’s like you’ve got short-term bi-polar. It’s so up and down. One minute you think you’re killing it, then the next forty k’s feels like it’s going to take four years.” 

Johnston apologises for being inarticulate, which he ain’t, and says, “You don’t have to be a superstar to live a full life. You just gotta make an effort. You gotta go after it.” 


The smile only a surf instructor can bring (courtesy Instagram).
The smile only a surf instructor can bring (courtesy Instagram).

Breaking: In stunning turn, Shakira’s mystery hunk on therapeutic surf vacation turns out to be a surf instructor as “best-selling female Latin artist of all-time” follows in Malibu icon Jonah Hill’s sandal’d footsteps!

Old Enough.

Shakira, the Colombian hitmaker who holds the title of “best-selling female Latin artist of all-time,” has captivated international attention as it was revealed that her 11-year partnership with Spanish football (soccer) stud Gerard Pique has come undone. While many, or most, would cower under a down duvet, eating affogatos and binge-watching Old Enough, the singer-songwriter has proven better and booked a surf vacation to northern Spain.

While maybe not “ideal” in terms of “surf quality,” Shakira has seemed happy in the knee-to-waist high runners (Surfline: 8 – 12ft) and particularly so when a mystery hunk approached her in the lineup and helped smooth her frontside flow.

The internet community wondered, for days, who he might be but new information has just come to light that he is, in fact, a surf instructor.

According to Marca Magazine:

As far as we know, this information is still unknown due to how fresh these images are but you can be sure his identity will emerge soon enough. Shakira does seem quite relaxed while taking her lessons, she needed a break after such a hectic schedule in the United States. With so much going on for her career right now, the separation drama with Gerard Pique has almost taken a back seat for her.

There are far more important things to deal with for Shakira at the moment. But the fans who want to see her happy and find love again can’t help checking up on her every once in a while. Shakira is currently one of the most researched celebrities online. They have tried to pair her up with the likes of Henry Cavill and Chris Evans but none of those options are real.

Malibu icon Jonah Hill, though, would tell her to look no further than the surf instructor. As you know, the heir to Miki Dora’s throne has made happy with his own surf instructor and I’m almost certain would recommend, Henry Cavill and Chris Evans be damned.

But have you ever had a fling with a brawny, handsome surf instructor of your own?

Care to share?


Also, even if your heart is whole and full you should totally watch Old Enough.

A gift.

Saint Barton in repose.
Saint Barton in repose.

Papa Barton Lynch trains unfiltered laser beams of light and love on supporters in wake of shocking World Surf League banishment!

The Wall of Positive Noise sustains severe damage.

The war between the World Surf League and its most popular commentator, Papa Barton Lynch, took a wild turn this morning, one that I did not see coming. Days ago, you remember, Lynch, who has spent much of the past two years in the booth explaining competitive professional surfing better than the rest of the WSL team combined, was told, by the League, that “his services were no longer needed.

The 1987 World Champion had every right to be confused, furious, as he is the most popular single item in the World Surf League’s arsenal but took his dismissal with a wonderful, beatific grace and simply explained to his many fans that they would not be seeing him on the broadcast anymore.

Such was the outpouring of affection that Lynch, once again, took to social media this time saying, “Hello guys, I just wanted to do a sincere and heartfelt thank you from me to you, to all of you guys. You know I had over 900 comments on the post regarding my commentary position and… you know there was one bloke who was stoked I was gone which gave me a laugh but, overwhelmingly, there were a few Santas in there too, actually by the way, a few beard comments but overwhelming support and love and respect given to me from you and it makes me so grateful, you know, for this community that we have here on Instagram. You hear people talk about social media, social media… I say thank God for it eh? I love it! I love the fact that we get to connect. I love the fact that we get to communicate with each other, create community on here and that to me is everything. So, you guys are the best. Thanks for all the support and love. Talk soon.”

Are your eyes still dry?

Impossible for them to be, unless you are some sort of bot and/or Joe Turpel and I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that what might just might bring down the World Surf League and its Wall of Positive Noise is a positivity so pure, so innocent, that it could pierce the shallowest of dumbs.

Like sucking on a stick of sugar cane after being forced to spoon down high fructose corn syrup in the hot hot sun.

Barton Lynch 2.

World Surf League 0.

Kaitlin (pictured) headed for a bummer.
Kaitlin (pictured) headed for a bummer.

Fugitive Texas real-estate agent-cum-yoga teacher who allegedly shot, killed elite cyclist for sleeping with boyfriend apprehended while taking surf-yoga classes in Costa Rica!

Extreme The Inertia.

Now, I cannot imagine many things worse than surf-yoga. The form of that ancient Indian form of posture-based exercise, for those unaware, can be taken into the waters and practiced upon SUPs and a surf-yoga class in Costa Rica is where we, this morning, lay our scene. For it was there at Santa Teresa Beach in Provincia de Puntarenas that fugitive yoga teacher Kaitlin Armstrong was apprehended by authorities after she had escaped the net of justice in her home state of Texas.

Armstrong, you see, allegedly shot and killed an elite road cyclist for after allegedly finding out that she had allegedly slept with her boyfriend.

The auburn-hair’d 35-year-old fled to New York where she, allegedly, used a fake passport and light disguise (band-aid on nose) to sneak into Costa Rica.

Once there, Deputy U.S. Marshal Brandon Filla declared they “knew she trying to establish some kind of lifestyle” and snooped around various “lifestyle centers” before stumbling on surf-yoga.


She is now being flown back to the United States where she will be charged with murder and “unlawful flight to avoid prosecution.”

She should also be tried for surf-yoga.

Extreme The Inertia.

An abomination.

Kong, by Dan Merkel, circa mid-eighties.

Dirty Water: Gary “Kong” Elkerton on navigating life when the legend fades, “It’s not easy, it’s f#$ken hard, dude…Sunny, Shmoo, something clicked in their lives that left them feeling empty, they had nothing!”

"I know between 1985 and 1990 I was doing the best surfing on the planet. And that's what matters now… even as I hobble about in pain."

Today’s guest on Dirty Water brought a brutal, but beautiful, savagery to professional surfing.

His fav tee featured a skull and the slogan Kill Em All God Will Sort Em Out and he was the star of the Quiksilver ad If You Can’t Rock and Roll Don’t Fucken Come.

He’s a three-time runner up to the world title, two of ‘em in excruciatingly controversial circumstances, although he evened the ledger a little later in his career by winning three Masters world titles.

He was the King of Sunset, a Pipeline Master and had the extraordinary ability to gain fifteen pounds for added ballast during the Hawaiian season, then shred thirty prior to hitting the small wave events.

But as my old friend Rob Bain told me recently, as the legend fades, and real life starts to stare back at you it’s a challenge to navigate the autumn years in peaceful contentment.

Come and hang with Kong.