"New stuff has come to light."

Days ago, the internet exploded into a tizzy when it was revealed that the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater was placing one of his two North Shore, Oahu homes on the rental marketplace for $46,000 per month. Potential tenants feverishly checked bank accounts, cushions of couch, for a chance to rest their heads on pillows purchased by staff of the 11x champion.

BeachGrit led the news cycle, breathlessly gushing, “The 5 bedroom/6 bath beachfront estate, spanning 6700 square feet, features a swimming pool, air-conditioning, hardwood flooring, decks, a patio and garage for which to park an SUV or pick-up truck on large tires. The beachfront portion, it should be noted, is also protected by burritos.” And adding a description from Architectural Digest reading, “(It) is infused with Asian and Hawaiian design elements, made especially apparent by the serene boardwalk over an outdoor pond with a Buddha statue sitting in the midst of tropical plant life.”

Well, a very kind realtor handling the property reached out directly to correct the record. There was no Buddha statue and no burrito, sand-filled bags that are illegally placed on the beach to prevent erosion. In fact, neither of Slater’s properties had every utilized such a thing and it was a lie that had been propagated through media by unscrupulous journalists/The Inertia.

Revealed today, exclusively, though and through a sterling source, is that Slater did have an illegal structure at his house near Ehukai (not the one for rent) that has since been removed.

What was it?

A 5G cell tower disguised as a palm tree?

A backyard-sized Surf Ranch?

A replica of his Cocoa Beach effigy?

No.

A set of un-permitted stairs that went down to the beach.

Are you outraged?

But do you think Slater built himself, tool belt on etc., or do you think he hired a handyman?

More as the story develops.

Surf instruction is so hot right now.

If you do not know the name “Shaun White” from feats of Olympic snowboarding greatness, including three halfpipe gold medals, then you certainly know it from appearing next to “Tony Hawk” and “Kelly Slater” as the three presented a moving speech at the most recent Academy Awards.

White, who enjoys going by “The Flying Tomato,” has been a fixture in extreme sport since bursting onto the X-Games scene in 2002, winning both skateboarding and snowboarding medals. The mainstream fell in love when he won that first gold at the 2006 Turin Olympics, propelling him to normal famous status as opposed to Julian Wilson famous.

Well, at 35-years young, the American darling has officially retired. In a sweeping interview with Us Weekly, White declared, “It feels great, honestly. I mean, it’s hard to say because obviously I’ve done so many Olympics and at this point, like, I normally take the season after off just to, you know, get excited again. And so, everything’s kind of felt like it’s going to plan. I think that the strange part will be the winter season after this one. I’ll be like, ‘Oh wait, I guess school’s still out.’”

But how will he spend the next 35 to 45 years of his life?

TikTok-ing with his girlfriend, actress Nina Dobrev. “I convinced my girlfriend to get on TikTok and now she’s all about it. And now I gotta watch her just, like, surpass me in minutes in her following. It’s like, ‘No!’ Not that I’m competitive at all.”

And the dream of all dreams, becoming a surf instructor. “I’m teaching Nina how to surf currently. She’s so talented as a snowboarder, which is great, because I’ve been in past relationships when they couldn’t snowboard and I’m a terrible coach. I’m like, ‘You just do it!’ But now she’s got the surfing bug. She’s excited about it, so now we’re trying to find places we can go surf and vacation and hang … She caught like seven waves in Hawaii and it was like she was feeling it, yeah!”

Wonderful and I wish nothing but White and Dobrev eternal happiness. But… if the relationship were to unfortunately end, there would be more fish in the sea for our Tomato. Maybe even a whale like the multi-talented Jonah Hill, who fell in love with his surf instructor too.

Surf instruction is so hot right now.

"Manifested it."

Who knew that “limp mode” was a thing? I sure didn’t until Ray’s Truck Garage in Tucumcari, New Mexico told me one of the Volkswagen’s problem, a busted throttle box and something they couldn’t fix, kicked the car into “limp mode” wherein it couldn’t go faster than 40 mph.

Limp mode.

I wondered if I could limp mode all the way to Amarillo, Texas, where a Volkswagen dealership tantalizingly floated 130-odd miles away, but had witnessed the aftermath of a semi-truck/car fatality yesterday and imagined limp mode would end me in the same spot.

My next tow driver, Julio, agreed.

“Truckers here? Man, they don’t give a fuck. They will run you over.”

Julio had served in Desert Storm and had the remains of a bullet bulging out his back, which he showed me while driving full freeway speed, swerving violently onto the shoulder and kicking dust into the hot wind.

Salt of the earth.

“Does it bug you?” I asked.

“Only when it’s hot, then it fries my skin,” he responded.

Obviously he did not know about, or watch, competitive professional surfing.

While I was slouching in my passenger seat, though, chatting with Julio about all the children he had fathered, Cadillac Ranch and the Middle East, trying to get my epic quest to find non-surfing World Surf League fans back on track, World Surf League CEO Eric “ELo” Logan was elating his core with the most inspirational of messages.

Grateful everyday to be the CEO of the World Surf League @wsl . A global of team of people all focused and aligned on building this massive platform.

The journey to get here might have been serendipitous, but it has been life changing. Growing up in Oklahoma City, I was terrified of the ocean and even lakes… (Thank you Steven Spielberg) like many, I was traumatized by the film Jaws. But, a family gift of a wetsuit right when I turned 41, when I moved to Manhattan Beach, changed everything.

Now, surfing has become my sanctuary. And such a rare business opportunity to bring my professional experiences to bear and watch the best surfers in the world chase their dreams. There is so much satisfaction in working to see others achieve so much and seeing them blow past all their own dreams is SO rewarding.

I was riding my @markrichardssurfboards this weekend and I wanted to say again, to @oursouthbay, thank you for allowing me to share my story on your platform and in our local community. (Link in my bio). #liveyourpassion

 

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Praise was universal, ranging from “You. Are. Amazing. I love you.” to “Finding your peace. We say it but rarely land it.” to “Johnny Utah.” to “Thank you for ushering equality into the WSL. Loving the environmental programs, too. Excellent work.” to “Riding the wave of life.” to “Such an amazing story. The WSL is killing it.” to “Manifested it.” to “That’s a left, no?”

And what was I doing?

Limp mode.

The Volkswagen gets out tomorrow, theoretically, and I shall redouble my efforts, attempting to achieve so much and blow past all my own dreams.

Non-surfing World Surf League fans here I come!

(Tomorrow).

Hope springs eternal.

I am still in Tucumcari, New Mexico, currently buoyed by “You should have known better…” comments. John John Florence is in Hawaii, or somewhere there abouts, with multiple surfboards loaded onto his boat, at the start of his own epic quest. The two-time world champion took to Instagram, days ago, cryptically writing, “South we go, excited and a bit nervous. I have never done a trip like this. Our first leg will be a little more than 3000 miles over two weeks. It’s been so fun looking over charts this month imagining the setups and waves we can sail to. It feels like a dream to have this chance to search for waves on our own. We will try to share as much as we can here. I’m grateful for the opportunity, and looking forward to the challenge!!”

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Beleaguered surf fans of competitive professional surfing immediately broke out nautical charts, protractors and quickly realized that French Polynesia, home to Teahupoo, is directly south from Hawaii and started buzzing.

Could it be?

Might it be?

Florence sailing south in order to anchor off that place of broken skulls and participate in the upcoming Outerknown Tahiti Pro which kicks off August 11?

There is no current professional surfer as universally adored as the prodigy done good. He has proven himself in big waves, small waves, competitively and artistically. An artist in his prime. If his knee is good enough to sail and surf explore, is there a possibility it is also good enough to defeat current world number one Filipe Toledo at a thumping slab?

What do you think about that?