Code Red II.
Code Red II.

Surfers grow increasingly frustrated with leading surf forecaster’s unimaginative “super swell” monikers, turn to serial killers for inspiration!

Blame Surfline.

Surfers around the globe were treated to a “super swell” during the almost wrapped week. A “pumping” south lashed French Polynesia, the Hawaiian Islands, even California with powerful waves and much fun though smiles turned into frowns when the realization sunk in that leading surf forecaster Surfline, official partner of the World Surf League, had officially dubbed the event “Code Red II.”

The original “Code Red” swell occurred in 2011 but even then the moniker seemed… unimaginative. This second time around it feels downright stupid.

David Lee Scales and I discussed, anyhow, on today’s chat and he brought up the wonderful point that serial killers never have banal names.

Jack the Ripper, The Nightstalker, The Zodiac Killer, The Grim Sleeper, Dr. Death, John Wayne Gacy Jr. etc.

The list goes on and on and on and how do malevolent psychopaths get to carry such poetry while super swells are forced to stagger under the weight of dumb?

It is obviously Surfline’s fault and we must do better to coin a name for the next one before those bromidic bros get their way.

David Lee and I also kicked around the idea of steel trap memories, as they relate to Kelly Slater

Enjoy now or later.

Crazy eye (pictured).
Crazy eye (pictured).

Florida wave prospectors develop “crazy eye,” expect new plunger-powered Tampa Bay surf park to exceed $50 million in revenue per year!

“Surfing is truly just the start of what we’re hoping to build here.”

The promise of two wave tanks in every town and a chicken in every pot has not materialized the way rabid surfers might have hoped. Surf Ranches, Surf Lakes and Wavegardens are still relatively far and few between but that reality has not dampened the lofty expectations of developers who continue to feel extremely bullish about manmade juice.

Take, for example, the proposed Tampa Bay wonderland set to open near Tampa Bay in 2025 that will utilize the aforementioned Surf Lakes’ patented rusty plunger technology. Per a just-released report:

The 30-acre amenity, an adventure park that can simulate ocean waves, is being developed by Tony Miller, with assistance from Hotel & Leisure Advisors — a hospitality consultancy whose clients include Crystal Lagoons Corp. and Great Wolf Resorts Inc. According to a news release, the project could generate $50 million in revenue in its first year of operation, in addition to creating 700 jobs.

The facility’s features, according to the release, could also include pristine beaches, concert and event venues, bars and restaurants, retailers, education and business facilities, fitness and wellness amenities, and more.

“Beyond tapping into the widespread surf culture and introducing a destination to the Tampa Bay area that will draw interest from all over the world, we’re creating a shared experience that every single member of this community will benefit from in some way,” Miller states in the release. “Surfing is truly just the start of what we’re hoping to build here.”

$50 million bucks a year is nothing to sneeze at but do you think our lifestyle and its adjacents is filled with that much lucre?

A blue rush just over the horizon?

Cheeseburger in paradise.

Gravy (pictured).
Gravy (pictured).

Movie-star handsome Ben Gravy big winner in ultra-cancellable Men’s Journal’s summer “Amazon Surfboards Under $600” guide!

"Hit them with a good amount of speed."

Men’s Journal, which must be on the verge of cancellation with its gender exclusive title, just released its coveted “10 Best Surfboards on Amazon Under $600” guide doubling down on erasure. Amazon, the consumerist behemoth, is, theoretically, on the block too what with slave wages and slave hours for hundreds of thousands of employees but bedfellows etc. and let us examine the 10 Best Surfboards on Amazon Under $600 guide in depth.

Wavestorm, a Costco sensation, is obviously near the top with Men’s Journal raving about the 8′ model, “This is a classic surfboard to learn how to get started on. A durable design makes this a good pickup for the newbs out there.”

“Newbs” an internet version of “VALs.”

The “classic” is followed up by Wavestorm’s 15th anniversary edition, also 8′ and also in landfill ready foam. It has “a fun new design to make you stand out from the pack when you’re out there putting the work in.”

The Catch Surf Odysea 54″ special tri-fin is for those ready to take the next step. “The more comfortable you get, the more you’re gonna want to challenge those waves. Hit them with a good amount of speed.”

But the clear winner of the whole shootin’ match is one Benjamin Franklin Graeff better known to you and me as Ben Gravy.

Gravy’s Wave Bandit gets highest praise of all based on the fact that it is his board. Star power. The distinctive pineapple skull head with sunglasses soft top swings in at $350 on Amazon and have you ever seen one in the wild?

I did just yesterday. Its owner seemed to enjoy paddling in place very near shore.


But back to Men’s Journal. What will its name be when forced to abandon “Men?”

Birthing Person Journal?

Them Journal?

Sports Illustrated?


Beloved actor, body positivist and surfer Jonah Hill trades in “windowless monolith” in exclusive Malibu Colony for oceanfront spread with “stairs right down to the beach.”

If you surf, and y'got the cash, why wouldn't you live beachfront?

The Hollywood funnyman, Jonah Hill, famous for shelving Russ Brand’s smack in the comedy classic Get Him to the Greek, and for his relocation to Malibu Colony where he surfs and is recognised as a post-millennial Miki Dora, has sold his joint across the street from the beach and one that has its own stairs to the water’s edge.

Last June, Hill paid nine million dollars for a house in the Colony, a gated celebrity enclave once home to Tom Hanks, Woody Harrelson, Jeff Bridges and Billy Murray, footsteps from the point made famous by anti-hero Dora.

“Been terrified to surf my whole life,” Hill wrote. “Totally random fear and at the same time always been a secret dream of mine. Turned out to be one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had. Not only was it so fun and challenging but more so I’m like damn, at 35 you can start doing shit you’ve always wanted to do.”

The modernist mansion had four beds, four bathrooms, sauna, jacuzzi, steam room, rooftop deck, 3600 square feet of lebensraum, and a “windowless monolithically white face facade”.

The joint came with deeded beach access rights and even a little golf cart for transport.

Of course, when surf bites it bites hard.

And, if you got the cash, y’ain’t gonna be happy with riding a damn electric buggy to the beach while others have cribs on the cliff there, a tap-dance down the wooden stairs to the drink.

The new joint at 23622 Malibu Colony Rd cost fifteen-and-a-half mill but ain’t as fancy with its stucco sidings and wood shingles reminiscent of its 1931 build.

Still, three stories high, a gated entrance, big fireplace, natural wood ceilings.

Kinda like JOB’s old joint at Pipe, although one imagines Hill will send in, tout suite, architect and builder.

It ain’t fancy but it’s beachfront.
The master room, big enough even for 1.7m Mr Hill.
A North Shore sorta vibe.
The paparazzi drone view.
It ain’t Pipe, howevs.

Off the patio, which overlooks the Pacific, is a staircase down to the sand. The money shot, as they say.

Hill ain’t dumb.

He’s trying to sell the old joint for fifteen mill, a price that would almost double the cash he paid for it, although he did gussy it up a bit, painted it grey etc.

Did a real good job. Examine here. 

Hatton, a well-preserved woman of fifty-three years whose neatly pressed blonde crown suggests a love affair with sun and sea, was caught hand in jar, by the fraud squad, hit with 749 charges of dishonestly obtaining financial advantage.

Horse racing and poker machine enthusiast who swindled world champ Tyler Wright and pro surfing brothers Owen and Mikey for $1.5 million jailed for three years, min; tells court she had “enough of living a double life!”

Owen stiffed for almost a mill, Tyler for half a brick, Mikey 151k.

One year ago, cops swooped on the bookkeeper for the noted Wright family who’d been secretly transferring herself cash to invest in horse-racing bets and poker machines.

“The rest of the money was wasted,” they said. 

Shane Maree Hatton, a family friend of the Wrights, although that friendship has since become somewhat strained, was a bookkeeper for the Wright’s plumbing biz.

When the kids started to rake in the sponsor cash, Hatton took on their finances, too.

“There is a trend of family friends and relatives, who are less than qualified, managing large amounts of money and they can’t resist the temptation of taking some of the money for themselves,” the State Crime Command Director, Detective Chief Superintendent Darren Bennett told The Daily Telegraph.

Red flags went up when celeb agent Nick Fordham, who handles Tyler’s sponsorship deals, saw the books, and noticed the balance was a little lower than expected.

Owen blamed his parents for ripping into his fortune.

In a letter to the court he wrote,”My relationships with my parents are still damaged because of the anger issues I had around this…I was still being stolen from while I could barely walk and while doctors were saying I would never work again… I wanted to retire but I couldn’t financially and fought back… risking my life in the process.”

Hatton, a well-preserved woman of fifty-three years whose neatly pressed blonde crown suggests a love affair with sun and sea, was caught hand in jar, by the fraud squad, and hit with 749 charges of dishonestly obtaining financial advantage. 

Could’ve been a sunglass model. Instead, chose to steal. A lesson in there.

Court documents showed the extent of the fraud waged over eight years, with Owen being stiffed for almost a million bucks as he struggled to overcome a mysterious brain injury.

From 2012 until 2020, Hatton stole $818,642.80 from Owen, transferring his cash to herself in 334 transactions ranging from $27.65 to $4668.

Tyler was hit for $586,805.07, in 295 transactions ranging from $21 to $4675.

Mikey copped $151,201.23 in 63 transactions ranging from $40 to $3538.55.

Their mum and Dad, Rob and Fiona, lost $81,025.29.

Earlier today, Hatton was jailed for a minimum of three years and ordered to pay back half the money stolen, the court told she’d paid back one hundred k already. 

Hatton told the sentencing judge,The addiction had taken over. I didn’t feel like I could stop.”

A happy ending for no one.