Kai Lenny (pictured) in Surfline twenty foot plus barrel.

Surfline launches revolutionary big-wave surfing event series titled “Twenty Foot Plus” greatly confusing World Surf League Fans: “Wait… aren’t all Championship Tour events already 20 foot plus?”

Lower Trestles.

Fans of professional surfing at its very highest level were thrown into great confusion, yesterday, with the announcement of a new big-wave event “activated” by Surfline. Titled “Twenty Foot Plus,” promises to “chronicle the world’s best big-wave surfers in the heaviest waves on Earth. And on the very best days, Surfline will broadcast the action live, from multiple angles, in ways guaranteed to take it all next level.”

Exciting, but, World Surf League enthusiasts immediately began scratching their heads, wondering if they had somehow already missed the show. Surfline, as you know, is the official forecasting partner for the aforementioned League and, regularly, declares that swells for the events are certain to reach at least twenty feet.

“We wanted to put our careers in our own hands,” notable big wave stud Jamie Mitchell told the website. “We’ve got a bunch of surfers and we’re heading in the right direction. We want to write our own path for big-wave surfing. I would expect big, different, more creative things that maybe haven’t been seen before. I want to see a young guy like Luca Padua, for example, have a gateway to a professional career in big-wave surfing. I want these young girls coming up to see a career path as well — that’s what we’re setting out to do.”

Might Mitchell, Padua, Koa Rothman, Kai Lenny et. al. have already surfed a stunning heat at the Oi Rio Pro or Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach that was simply missed?

Is Filipe Toledo a big-wave surfer?

As die-hard professional surfing aficionados go back into the 2022 contest vault looking for signs of Mark Healy there are, currently, more questions than answers.


Bikes bikes bikes!

Fury over cavalcade of “rabble kook scum” on electric bikes at site of surfing’s world title showdown in California mounts as petition circulates for their permanent removal, “It’s getting out of control and no one is speaking up!”

"The recreational integrity of surfing has been so hopelessly degraded by… kooks and their endless gear fetishes."

The avant-garde stylist and artist Tyler Warren, “shaper of longboards for lazy people” as one reader puts it, has had a swing at the e-bike craze that has turned Lowers and surrounds into a tangle of two-thousand dollar electric bikes, an immense black grotto of steel and rubber.

“The time has come to put our foot down and stop the use of Electric Bikes in California State beaches and parks,” writes Tyler. “Please sign the petition in my bio and help keep our special places not over run with excess of people and over useage that takes away from the beauty and peace of our last naturally beautiful places. The electric bikes have gotten so bad they are littered up and down beautiful state park beaches on a daily basis. It makes it feel like the 405 freeway when your out to get your fill of beach sand and ocean. 

“Kids younger then 10 have them and race around with no respect or license. In this more n more of a rat race world we live in let’s keep the traffic on the street and not on our sand. With more and more E-bike companies, stores and purchases this is a snowball effect that we can’t turn our backs to. 

“I have plenty of friends that ride them and get there ease but it’s getting out of control and no one is speaking up so I feel the need to protect the places I love and want to share with further generations knowing what it was like walking up the beach with a view of sand and water not a pile of E-bikes.” 

 

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The issue is an emotive one and as crazy as it is, it’s fascinating to watch the bile explode.

Andy St Onge, from Sunset Beach, Oahu, whom you’ll remember as the author of the magnificent “One single wave can epitomise or encapsulate everything imaginable or possible in a surfing life”, was especially riled.

“All Kooks — foils, sups, jetskiis, yoga creeps, sellout wannabes, etc etc etc. If you don’t live there don’t surf there. Beat it. The recreational integrity of surfing has been so hopelessly degraded by the combined compounded impact of unrestrained commercialism with hordes of par venu kooks and their endless gear fetishes. Charlatans all. Including of course the plebeian aspiring surf stars who whore themselves out to the lowest bidder. Rabble kook scum one and all.”

Of the three hundred or so comments, most were on the side of Warren, his followers regarding their use as vulgar and opportunistic.

I find the e-bike a fascinating invention and marvel, often, at how quickly they came into common use, particularly at such a high price point.

Do you own a little electric bike? Are they as good as they look?

And have you seen, at close hand, the conga line of bikes to Lowers, everyone lined up, pricks to asses?

 

 


World Surf League CEO Erik Logan (pictured) with paddle.

Explosive controversy builds in wake of brutal lineup assault on surf champion Joel Tudor’s buttocks: “What did the stand-up paddler know and when did he know it?”

Was this a hit?

Earlier today, the surf universe was shocked to learn that champion longboarder Joel Tudor had been brutally assaulted at his home break. Surveillance video appears to show the Duct Tape Invitational creator and style master being repeatedly beat on his knees, torso and buttocks by an alleged out-of-control stand-up paddleboarder’s naughty paddle.

As surf violence is on the rise, initial response to the disturbing video centered on the viciousness the SUP pilot intended to mete out on Tudor’s buttocks but has since turned to questions of why.

Who would do such a thing?

Wait.

Who would do such a thing?

Tudor had well-publicized beef with the World Surf League, earlier this year, wherein he called the home of professional surfing out for its performative equality and etc.

After a series of other hammers, the iconic longboarder and sitting world champion, was unceremoniously suspended, indefinitely.

Well, as it turns out, the World Surf League CEO is a notable SUP pilot and…

… oh stop. I am not presuming anything, here, just wondering.

Was this a hit?


Yacht surfing stud Dan Price (pictured by self). Courtesy: Facebook.

“America’s best boss” and yacht surfing stud Dan Price brought low after allegations he grabbed woman by throat after she refused kiss, did parking lot “doughnuts” in his Tesla to teach her further lesson!

Minority Report.

Almost four years ago we learned, here, about the “best boss in America.” Dan Price achieved fame for slashing his own CEO pay in order to give the employees of his credit card company a $70,000 per year minimum wage. He was hailed as a wonderful example of modern corporate generosity and chill vibes.

Also a noted “yacht surfer.”

Well, it turns out that Price has been accused of sexual abuse and various other naughty bits of bad behavior. A damning New York Times feature paints an unflattering portrait of the man along with with a recent New York Post piece which declares:

Earlier this year, Seattle prosecutors charged Price with misdemeanor assault and reckless driving after he allegedly attempted to kiss the woman following a business meeting and then grabbed her by the throat when she rejected his advances.

After the alleged altercation, Price purportedly drove to a parking lot and performed “doughnuts” in his Tesla while she was still in the car, according to the Seattle Times. Price pleaded not guilty to the charge in May and has denied wrongdoing.

“Mr. Price respects the legal process and is confident that he will be vindicated in court,” an attorney for the executive told the outlet earlier this year.

Creepy, if true, but also look at his picture (above).

I think it could be argued that any man who appears like that should be preemptively locked up.

And/or any man that does parking lot doughnuts in a Tesla.

Plus yacht surfs.

Precrime like Minority Report.

And I hear you thinking, “First they came for the young, long-haired (heavily-conditioned) CEOs with veneer grins and a penchant for selfies and I did not speak out – because I wasn’t a young, long-haired (heavily-conditioned) CEO with veneer grin or a penchant for selfies.”

But seriously.

Tesla doughnuts.


SUP pilot (left) on knees attempting to spank Joel Tudor's buttocks.

Joel Tudor brutally assaulted in lineup as enraged stand-up paddleboarder appears to repeatedly swing deadly oar at surf champion’s torso, knees and buttocks!

"Summer in Cardiff is special."

Surf fans, near and far, woke up to shocking images, this morning, that appear to show Joel Tudor being brutally assaulted at his home break of Cardiff-by-the-Sea, California by a man riding a stand-up paddleboard. The apparent attack occurring during a recent small to average run of swell was all caught on camera.

Tudor can be seen taking off near the peak of a left that the SUP pilot must have considered a right. The multiple-time longboard champion gamely crosses over the SUP’s tail while its pilot appears to grow enraged, swinging his deadly paddle at Tudor before falling into the soup.

Not satisfied, he remounts his steed, getting to his knees, and paddles after Tudor as he is returning to the lineup, attempting to vigorously spank those offending buttocks.

Tudor simply captioned the post “Summer at Cardiff is special.”

The SUP pilot, unnamed, must be a brazen sort for Tudor is well-known to be highly trained in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Do you think his mastery allowed him to resist the temptation for a choke out?

Do you recall when Bruce Lee declared, “You’re the one with the big mouth, and I would really enjoy closing it, especially in front of all my friends. But my hands are registered as lethal weapons. That means, we get into a fight, I accidentally kill you? I go to jail,” in Quentin Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time in… Hollywood?”

A similar sentiment?

More as the story develops.