Lower Trestles.

Fans of professional surfing at its very highest level were thrown into great confusion, yesterday, with the announcement of a new big-wave event “activated” by Surfline. Titled “Twenty Foot Plus,” promises to “chronicle the world’s best big-wave surfers in the heaviest waves on Earth. And on the very best days, Surfline will broadcast the action live, from multiple angles, in ways guaranteed to take it all next level.”

Exciting, but, World Surf League enthusiasts immediately began scratching their heads, wondering if they had somehow already missed the show. Surfline, as you know, is the official forecasting partner for the aforementioned League and, regularly, declares that swells for the events are certain to reach at least twenty feet.

“We wanted to put our careers in our own hands,” notable big wave stud Jamie Mitchell told the website. “We’ve got a bunch of surfers and we’re heading in the right direction. We want to write our own path for big-wave surfing. I would expect big, different, more creative things that maybe haven’t been seen before. I want to see a young guy like Luca Padua, for example, have a gateway to a professional career in big-wave surfing. I want these young girls coming up to see a career path as well — that’s what we’re setting out to do.”

Might Mitchell, Padua, Koa Rothman, Kai Lenny et. al. have already surfed a stunning heat at the Oi Rio Pro or Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach that was simply missed?

Is Filipe Toledo a big-wave surfer?

As die-hard professional surfing aficionados go back into the 2022 contest vault looking for signs of Mark Healy there are, currently, more questions than answers.

Was this a hit?

Earlier today, the surf universe was shocked to learn that champion longboarder Joel Tudor had been brutally assaulted at his home break. Surveillance video appears to show the Duct Tape Invitational creator and style master being repeatedly beat on his knees, torso and buttocks by an alleged out-of-control stand-up paddleboarder’s naughty paddle.

As surf violence is on the rise, initial response to the disturbing video centered on the viciousness the SUP pilot intended to mete out on Tudor’s buttocks but has since turned to questions of why.

Who would do such a thing?

Wait.

Who would do such a thing?

Tudor had well-publicized beef with the World Surf League, earlier this year, wherein he called the home of professional surfing out for its performative equality and etc.

After a series of other hammers, the iconic longboarder and sitting world champion, was unceremoniously suspended, indefinitely.

Well, as it turns out, the World Surf League CEO is a notable SUP pilot and…

… oh stop. I am not presuming anything, here, just wondering.

Was this a hit?

Minority Report.

Almost four years ago we learned, here, about the “best boss in America.” Dan Price achieved fame for slashing his own CEO pay in order to give the employees of his credit card company a $70,000 per year minimum wage. He was hailed as a wonderful example of modern corporate generosity and chill vibes.

Also a noted “yacht surfer.”

Well, it turns out that Price has been accused of sexual abuse and various other naughty bits of bad behavior. A damning New York Times feature paints an unflattering portrait of the man along with with a recent New York Post piece which declares:

Earlier this year, Seattle prosecutors charged Price with misdemeanor assault and reckless driving after he allegedly attempted to kiss the woman following a business meeting and then grabbed her by the throat when she rejected his advances.

After the alleged altercation, Price purportedly drove to a parking lot and performed “doughnuts” in his Tesla while she was still in the car, according to the Seattle Times. Price pleaded not guilty to the charge in May and has denied wrongdoing.

“Mr. Price respects the legal process and is confident that he will be vindicated in court,” an attorney for the executive told the outlet earlier this year.

Creepy, if true, but also look at his picture (above).

I think it could be argued that any man who appears like that should be preemptively locked up.

And/or any man that does parking lot doughnuts in a Tesla.

Plus yacht surfs.

Precrime like Minority Report.

And I hear you thinking, “First they came for the young, long-haired (heavily-conditioned) CEOs with veneer grins and a penchant for selfies and I did not speak out – because I wasn’t a young, long-haired (heavily-conditioned) CEO with veneer grin or a penchant for selfies.”

But seriously.

Tesla doughnuts.