As new best-in-class wave tank breaks ground near Orlando, Disney publicly shamed for failing Florida’s surfers: “For decades surfers have been relegated to renting out a mushy wave pool at Typhoon Lagoon for some mediocre thrills during the park’s off hours.”

Chas Smith

By

Pack your bags. Leave mouse ears at home.

You’ve certainly, by now, seen that new, glorious wave pool in São Paulo, Brazil. The one described as “the most high-performance wave on earth” which, somehow, includes Lower Trestles. Derek Rielly wrote, at its unveiling, “It’s real big, six acres or twice the size of the fabled Waco tank, there’s a double air section (“The Double Shot”) and every sorta configuration you can imagine, and plenty you’d never thought of beyond wildest dreams etc. American Wave Machines call it their most ambitious build, yet.”

Absolutely dreamy and worth traveling great distances for. Staying in four-star hotels, eating lightly stale pingado with French bread, accidentally using Spanish instead of Portuguese etc.

Well guess what?

Central Florida is set to receive its own same version and soon.

Per Jacksonville’s local news affiliate:

The dream of a perfect wave pool in Florida has been elusive. For decades surfers have been relegated to renting out a mushy wave pool at Typhoon Lagoon for some mediocre thrills during the park’s off hours.

But not even Disney could create a manmade wave with glassy barrels and hollow waves that peel right or left in crystal clear water.

One company that built several wave parks around the world to simulate these perfect swells, called American Wave Machines, is bringing its next project to Edgewater, FL.

The company announced Thursday it will be building the 15-acre “PerfectSwell® Edgewater” wave pool right off I-95 near New Smyrna Beach.

The Disney slam is both pointed and painful. How did the multi-billion dollar entertainment behemoth not see the development of inland pools as pure gold?

Will the World Surf League pounce upon the slandered Typhoon Lagoon and toss Surf Ranch technology in its middle or, at least, host a Championship Tour contest there?

Most importantly, will you go surf it?

Edgewater is home to the first Hooters.

Oh wait.

That’s Clearwater.

Butts n boobs.

Surf fans collectively hallucinate wedding bells as Gisele Bündchen retreats to bucolic Costa Rican peninsula where Kelly Slater just so happens to sit on board of Ayahuasca life advancement center!

Chas Smith

By

Bewitching.

There is coincidence and then there is fate and surf fans, heretofore cynical empiricists, have magically, majestically fallen under sway of the latter. But who could have seen the series of events, unfolding during this past months, that would have had them buy candles, en masse, lighting them on windowsills? Who could have had them looking to the stars and seeing patterns forming up that beckoned a return to Shangri-la?

Namely 2005 – 2006 when surf brands made millions, surf contests drew thousands, lineups were Wavestorm-free, VALs merely were people from the valley and Kelly Slater was dating Gisele Bündchen.

Surfing’s greatest of all-time and the Brazilian supermodel were living, breathing representatives of the dream and all was perfect… or at least until the two parted ways and Bündchen became married to quarterback Tom Brady.

But who can stop fate?

Bündchen and Brady shockingly announced their break, surf fans began lighting those candles and now we have Bündchen vacationing in the surf paradise of Costa Rica just miles away from the Ayahuasca retreat Rythmia Life Advancement Center where Slater just so happens to sit on the board.

Per Page Six:

Gisele Bündchen is wasting no time living her best life following her divorce from Tom Brady.

The supermodel, 42, was all smiles on Monday when photographers caught her strutting her stuff in tropical Costa Rica.

For the seemingly carefree outing, Bündchen wore a matching taupe set featuring a low-cut crop top and stretchy pants. She completed her casual vacation ensemble with a makeup-free face and wavy hair.

Bündchen’s home is on the Nicoya Peninsula.

So is Rythmia Life Advancement Center.

You certainly recall when the 11x world champion visited there not so long ago, declaring, “I just had the most profound experience of my life. I literally decided to come here twelve hours before I came. It was something that was nagging at me for a few weeks beforehand, that this was something that could potentially change my life. I’ve had a lot of experience in my life. I’ve been all around the world… I’ve lived all around the world…and I’ve got to experience most worldly things. But…”

The experience was so profound, in fact, that Slater was invited to sit upon the board where he sits to this day.

So now?

Only the hardest of surfer hearts refuse to feel the alchemy bubbling underneath the tropical sun. Only the thickest of surfer brains are not hallucinating wedding bells, seeing sarong-clad figures on the beach in minds’ eyes.

Bewitching.

In shattering blow to butts n boobs contest, Surfer (The Girl), featuring girls that don’t surf, appears to lose Rip Curl support and its $500 gift card purse!

Chas Smith

By

Has Tyler Wright spoken?

Men who consider 1996 to be peak surf were dealt an extremely heavy blow, overnight, as it appears Surfer (The Girl) has lost core sponsor Rip Curl. The contest, hosted by Surfer (The Bar), which is the last remaining li’l bit of Surfer (The Magazine), pits woman against woman but not in thirty-minute heats with priority, waves, speed, power, flow, etc.

No.

The winner is selected by popular vote based on slammin’ bods, bangin’ rigs, rockin’ packages, etc.

Olde school (written in Olde English font).

And, as of two days ago, the winner was set to receive $1500 cash and a $500 Rip Curl gift card.

The Torquay-based surf brand, recently sold to outdoor specialists Kathmandu, a major sponsor of the event.

Well, as of this morning, the victor will, apparently, be robbed of her gift card.

Rip Curl’s instantly recognizable logo has also been scrubbed from related pages.

What could have happened?

The world’s biggest surf website celebrated the tournament, also coincidentally two days ago, and wondered, at the end, what team rider Tyler Wright might think of it all.

Is this the answer?

"Lemme get this straight, one-to-seven-foot, y'said, for thirty-five k upfront, fifteen hundred a month…yeah, yeah, small, very coy…"

Member’s-only wave pool to open in Long Island, New York; promises one-to-seven-foot waves at $1500 per month, plus $35k joining fee, for “the man with a coy little phallus!”

Giancarlo Guardascione

By

The Crest Surf Club is gonna built its pool in Shirley, Long Island, a lil west of The Hamptons, projected completion date of summer 2024. 

Don’t y’wish advertising told it like it is? 

Anyone who’s gonna throw down thirty-five k on joining a wave pool country club in Long Island that’ll still cost you fifteen-hundred a month to surf, and that’s using tech so new the company supplying it only has a primitive landing page, well, don’t it suit perfectly the “man with a coy little phallus.”

New York City is the master of balancing the inclusion/exclusion axis, dangling fruits in front of its subjects that seem so tangible yet so outta reach.

From the DMV-sized lines outside Studio 54 in the ’70’s to the roped off entrances of Limelight and The Tunnel in the 90’s with their thick as brick bouncers and razor thin entrance judges, The City knows how to titillate. 

Sure, the oxidized lady in green at the harbor with the torch and crown will take you in if your tired and poor, but she ain’t gonna get ya reservations to Nobu on a Saturday at 7pm. 

Now, Long Island isn’t Manhattans little sister, if anything it’s its evil twin wrapped in suburban safety swag. The scalpelled noses are a little less sharp, but the attitude is more robust, swelled by property taxes that would give Donald Trump a nosebleed. 

The Crest Surf Club is gonna built its members-only joint in Shirley, Long Island, about 28 miles west of The Hamptons, with a projected completion date of summer 2024. 

The Crest website has a layout of what the pool and facility will look like, click here etc. But, like most things in NY, ya gotta submit a little piece of you (email inquiry) to get to the real guts. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Crest Surf Club NY (@crestnewyork)

Two days after the submission and a few follow up emails later, a Crest representative loosed the finer details.  

The entire facility covers 3.5 acres. The actual tank is 1.5 acres. Rides 85 yards long. Heated in the winter and open from five in the morn to midnight. Reserve your time slot, one-hour session, 10-20 waves per person, 8-12 peeps on the drink, or flies in the champagne, at a time. 

Like The American Dream wave pool who retained the services of big-waver Will Skuden to give their place street cred, Crest has given local pro Leif Engstrom their flag to wave at the bow of their ship.

Leif’s air game is tighter than a lit Roman candle and will give Crest legitimacy.   

Crest call ’emselves “the first and finest” wave pool country club but someone might wanna tell ’em about the Wiseman’s Surf Lodge, a seventy-five mill build an hour-and-a-half north of Sydney.

Same deal there, too, thirty or sixty gees to join, ongoing rates to surf and so on.

Bombshell Wall Street Journal report declares streaming giant Netflix attempted to buy World Surf League late last year though negotiations fell apart over price tag!

Chas Smith

By

House of Cards.

We surf fans know, better than maybe any other grouping of sports fans, that our governing body, the World Surf League, is pure smoke and mirrors. From ridiculous bullishness on numbers, fortified Walls of Positive Noise, Stalin-esque reimaginings of history, Erik Logan etc. the whole operation is gloriously absurd but the whole shootin’ match was allegedly almost purchased by streaming giant Netflix earlier this year.

Whoa!

Per reporting from The Wall Street Journal via 9 to 5 Mac:

Meanwhile, Netflix pursued low-cost ways of diversifying its own catalog with streaming sports. The Journal reports that Netflix has considered bidding or has bid on specific sports streaming rights in Europe:

The company recently bid for the streaming rights for the ATP tennis tour for some European countries, including France and the U.K., but dropped out, one of the people said. It also discussed bidding for a series of other events including U.K. rights to the Women’s Tennis Association and cycling competitions, the people said.

What’s even more intriguing is the possibility of a subscription video service just outright buying a sports league. That’s apparently what Netflix attempted to do with surfing:

The company late last year was in talks to buy the World Surf League, but negotiations fell apart because the two organizations couldn’t reach an agreement on a price, people familiar with the potential deal said.

The Journal goes on to explain how sports streaming could create new opportunities for Netflix:

Some Netflix executives believe that given the size of its platform, Netflix could turn lesser-known sports like surfing into big franchises, and create new sporting tournaments or events, the people said.

How you like them apples?

I, first off, wonder what the difference in price tag between professional surfing’s current owner Dirk Ziff and Netflix was.

I, then, think about how much better the show might be on a platform that would have a vested interest in building intrigue, better storylines, more dynamic locations, no Surf Ranch into the mix.

Time for some surf journalism.

Are you there Sean Doherty? It’s me, Chas.

More as the story develops.

Photo: Jack English
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