Rear naked.

The sun rose on surf fans this morning but provided no warmth, not even in Cape Town where it is forecasted to be in the mid-90s or Puerto Escondido, Mexico where it will be the same. No, a cold grey pall hangs heavy in the air. A joyless fog obscuring any bit of good for last night images began leaking out of Gisele Bündchen out and about in Costa Rica, enjoying the pure single vida with a dashing man not named Kelly Slater.

As you know, the Brazilian supermodel and her husband of many years, Tom Brady, declared their union over earlier last month and surf fans immediately turned their eyes and hopes to Kelly Slater. Bündchen and the 11x world champion had dated for some portions of 2005 – 2006 forming up the most powerful couple since Kaipo dated Madonna and dreamers began seeing a return to Shangri-la.

2005 – 2006 just so happened to be the best years in surfing history.

Candles were bought, in bulk, lit, put on windowsills and fate seemed to be bending in our direction. Bündchen visited a faith healer, saged her car, traveled to Costa Rica just miles away from the Ayahuasca retreat center where Slater sits on the board. Only a matter of time before the paparazzi captured the two canoodling over a steaming breakfast bowl of gallo pinto.

Yum.

Except, overnight, surf fans and our eyes, dreams, candles have been put in a rear naked choke hold.

Per Page Six:

Costa Rica is for couples!

Gisele Bündchen appears to have a new man in her life after her divorce from Tom Brady, stepping out with jiu-jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente on Saturday.

The duo grabbed a bite to eat at Koji in Provincia de Puntarenas with the 42-year-old model’s two children — Benjamin, 12, and Vivian, 9.

Bündchen showed her stomach in a cropped top and flowing black pants on the dinner date.

The Valente Brothers co-creator, for his part, was all smiles in a gray shirt and shorts.

While it is unclear when the pair’s possible romance began, Bündchen and Valente did a shoot for Dust magazine with his brothers, Pedro Valente and Giu Valente, in 2021.

Devastating.

While Slater does play jiu-jitsu as well, his bonafides have been directly challenged, in the past, by surfing’s great polemicist Joel Tudor.

Would Bündchen go for a questionable purple belt or once going black is it impossible to go back?

Currently more questions than answers though

Trouble in paradise.

The World Surf League, riding a wave of unmitigated success, growing more robustly than any student of professional sport could have ever imagined, so wildly healthy that streaming giant Netflix and its “offer” could be openly rejected then mocked.

Surfing for the win.

Surfing for the gold.

Which brings us around to the Olympics. You certainly recall the surfing’s grand debut two northern hemisphere summers ago there in Japan. Leading up to the games was much talk about how the big stage would introduce trillions of new fans and if the just-wrapped Final’s Day is any indication, what with its 8 million (and counting) live streams, prognostications were spot on.

Surfing bigger than curling.

With the Olympic spotlight, though, comes great responsibility for governing sporting bodies like not being overtly racist, brutally sexist, drug testing athletes etc. And while the World Surf League is not the official governing body of Olympic surfing, it does provide the main path for our heroes and heroines into the big show. Now, the League promises to drug test in accordance with international standards but an Instagram post, yesterday, by Hawaiian star Alex Smith threw the whole program into much question.

Smith, who most recently competed at the Sunset Pro just weeks ago, finishing in the round of 64, shared a photo of his “daily boosters,” superfood powders MOTS-C+ BPC-157 peptides.

As it happens, BPC-157 is banned by the World Anti-Doping Agency, or WADA.

Per the United States Anti-Doping Agency:

There appears to be no legal basis for selling BPC-157 as a drug, food, or a dietary supplement, and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) confirmed there is also no legal basis for compounding pharmacies to use BPC-157 in compounded medications.

However, there is evidence that BPC-157 is being illegally included in some wellness and anti-aging treatments and products.

Prior to 2022, BPC-157 was not prohibited, but it has been added to the WADA Prohibited List after the annual review of the List and is prohibited starting on January 1, 2022. It’s prohibited under the S0 Unapproved Substances category of the List.

But who at the World Surf League is responsible for educating and testing its surfers?

Erik “Double Deuces” Logan?

Jessi Miley-Dyer?

Other?

And if this sort of sloppiness is not dealt with, will the International Olympic Committee remove surfing from the competition slate like it did wrestling thereby squishing historic gains?

Currently more questions than answers.

Cocaine and MDMA are also considered banned.

Hurricane Nicole.

Northern Florida was thrown into a state of bewilderment, this weekend, as the Super Girl Surf Pro descended upon Jacksonville Beach and its car-friendly sands. Degenerates, you see, had come from far and wide, flooding the southern panhandle in an attempt to witness a live version of Surfer (The Girl) contest only to be met with a different sort of game in which girls actually surfed.

As reported earlier last week, the last remaining vestige of Surfer (The Magazine) is a Jacksonville drinking establishment named Surfer (The Bar) which just so happens to host the aforementioned Surfer (The Girl), featuring scantily clad ladies who don’t actually surf but rather hold skateboards and cuddle golden retrievers.

Sponsored then un-sponsored by Rip Curl.

Well, the world’s biggest surf website got all twisted and turned, erroneously declaring the contest still underway when it, in fact, had wrapped this past summer leading us all to the current troubles.

Retrogrades flooding the bold new city of the south hoping to catch glimpses of butts, boobs n bow-wows were instead served the Super Girl Surf Pro featuring the best up-and-coming rippers.

Per local news:

This year’s Super Girl Surf Pro competition brought nearly 100 of the world’s best female surfers to Jacksonville Beach.
But just days ago, Hurricane Nicole had some guessing if the event would even take place.

Competitor Coral Schuster said she was relieved — and pleasantly surprised.

“Right now, having this hurricane swell, it’s great. It was definitely sketchy not being sure how that hurricane was going to go through or if it would still be here today,” Schuster said. “But right now, the conditions are great and it’s sunny. And I love this!”

The surfers said this is not only a competition, it’s also a chance to support one another — and get the next generation excited about the sport.

“I want to be an inspiration to these young girls because I was there once too,” Pinkerton said. “And just teaching them and showing them the way I feel like is the best way to keep women’s surfing progressing.”

Much better for them (the deviants), frankly, and hopefully there was much repenting of past ways and appreciations of real Surfer (The Girl)s.

Wins.

Look out, Elon.

Gabriel Medina is many things. A multiple time world surfing champion. A Monster Energy team rider. An ex-husband, step-son, friend of Neymar Jr. And so it should come as no surprise that he is dipping a toe into business. While the current climate may scare off the timid, Medina has a secret strategy only whispered to the bold.

Buy the dip.

And now Medina and team are unveiling their first project.

Per the press release:

Just five months after creating Kauai Ventures, world renowned surfer Gabriel Medina and his partners announce their first project backed by the investment group. To develop a handful of performance surf clubs throughout Medina’s home country of Brazil, the investment firm has partnered with surf pool technology provider Endless Surf of WhiteWater, a company holding 40+ years of experience in developing and innovating world-renowned aquatic entertainment venues.

Responding to a growing demand for surf, this project follows a global trend that opens new opportunities for the sport of surfing while proving to be a high-visibility business. Showing a true dedication to surfing’s success, Gabriel Medina is encouraging this next generation of surfing as a sport, both in relation to practice and progression, as well as the overall visibility of surfing and its promotion of professional sport.

“More than a sport, surfing is a lifestyle. Therefore, this project has total synergy with the legacy that I want to leave. It unites all factors that I believe in: the practice of sport, which involves healthy habits and physical activity, technology as an ally to a cutting-edge human experience, and the adrenaline that the sport provides”, says Medina.

Surfing has been growing worldwide and this is especially apparent in countries like Brazil. The country has seen a massive uptick in surfers and followers of the sport, partly in thanks to Brazilian names standing out in global competitions, like three-time world champion Gabriel Medina himself. Through the partnership with Endless Surf, Kauai Ventures has set out to build a true surf experience, originating from the knowledge and practical experience of Medina as a top tier athlete, the extensive business expertise of the partners, and the game-changing surf technology of a leading player in the global market. Ultimately driven by a core passion for surfing, Kauai Ventures and Endless Surf are combining their expertise and innovative thinking to deliver state-of-the-art artificial waves to further the sport of surfing for those in Brazil and beyond.

“The clubs we are creating represent the epitome of progression and will create a stronger and more connected community surrounding the surf lifestyle. In these developments, we are ensuring the widest variety of wave types for our surf clubs, so that the experience is more authentic to the ocean. With the project backed by one of the greatest athletes in the surfing world, we are committed to offering top-tier surf through utilizing Endless Surf’s next-generation technology that provides a unique and tailored experience.” explains Ricardo Laureano Siqueira, partner and manager of Kauai Ventures.

You in?

Buy the dip.