Icon Kelly Slater defends scent of his Surf
Ranch in blistering online screed: “Imagine thinking cows farting
is worse than 6 billion lbs of pesticides sprayed a year!”
By Chas Smith
Death by a thousand turns.
And here we are near the very end of another
year with all of its ups and downs wrapped in a nice bow.
Did you have a favorite surf moment? Maybe champion Filipe Toledo’s
brave performance at very scary Teahupo’o enjoying a front row seat
while two 50-year-olds swapped kegs? What about Stephanie Gilmore
climbing from basement to penthouse at Final’s Day?
But a worst moment?
Possibly the announcement that China’s Great Wall Motors had
extended its relationship with the World Surf League in order to
dump even more carbon spewing trucks and SUVs into landfills?
Or the re-inclusion of Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch back onto the
2023 tour?
I’d have to say that really did it for me. Now, I have been to
Surf Ranch a total of five times, taking in a Surf Ranch Pro along
the way, and while the wave is undeniably fun to surf, it is an
absolute bore to watch being competed upon. The sections present
singular canvases for our heroes and heroines to make the same
turn, stall, barrel. The length absolutely sleep inducing.
Surf fans revolted as one when WSL CEO Erik Logan, and gang,
disclosed that Surf Ranch would be May’s official entry and while
the cries of anguish may not have pierced the patented Wall of
Positive Noise, signs are pointing to Slater, himself, being
affected.
In a minutes ago Instagram Story, the eleven-time world champion
declared, “Imagine thinking cows farting is worse than 6 billion
lbs of pesticides sprayed a year.”
As you certainly know, one of the many critiques of his Surf
Ranch is the ever-lingering scent of bovine toot. I don’t know
which championship tour venue features 6 billion lbs of pesticides
sprayed a year but would agree with Cocoa Beach’s first son on that
count. The smell becomes innocuous after a short while. What I
can’t second, though, is the monotonous dull of the Surf Ranch
Pro.
I’d, personally, take both cow farts and pesticides over
watching Gabriel Medina ride the plow for one more year and he is
as good as they come.
Death by a thousand turns.
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Accident. Photo @justinedupont33
Extra-large surf darling Justine Dupont
catches dream wave at pumping Jaws only to be left dazed and
coughing up blood after vicious theft!
By Chas Smith
The cost of doing business amongst beasts.
Swell has finally but finally arrived to North County,
San Diego after weeks of flat and I must admit to feeling
a bit of that big wave thrill. Oh, the sets are maybe a Surfline
six foot, but being out there, ocean moving and wild, white water
rumbling, gave me the sensation that I might be paddling Maui’s
Jaws.
Spray in eyes, lunging into the abyss.
Paddling Jaws save wild crowds on Christmas boards, though,
taking off and shooting them straight. Flopping around in the way
afterward, gasping for breath and apologizing.
Who could have ever guessed, I suppose, that the pandemic would
have ushered in a participation explosion but here we are dodging
craft and human in the land of make believe.
More serious, certainly, is dodging at the aforementioned actual
Jaws and getting dealt a good sound thrashing instead of mild
annoyance. And let us hurry, there, and sit at the feet of monster
wave slayer Justine Dupont who has a story for all.
I haven’t paddled a wave that I’m really proud of in Jaws
since my injury during the #peahichallenge 4 years ago. I ended up
with a broken shoulder and ruptured knee ligaments. Since then, I
was afraid to come back and relive the same experience
At the same time I dreamed of taking a real wave with a
committed line to put myself in a position to make a barrel. When I
saw this Christmas swell I ask advices to @carlosburle and
@gerglong I took the last plane ticket that was left from Nazare.
After 40 hours of travel, arrival at 2 a.m., 2 short hours of
sleep, in the water at 6 a.m. thanks to @kolomona1_.
The conditions were really nice, without being too big and
with little wind which is rare for Jaws. When this wave came, I
turned around and paddle hard, I shouted, I said to myself wow I’m
there.
A fraction of seconds later I took a coconut tree on the
face ( @coconut_willie). The fins went over my foot and I felt
right on the impact of the lip. Like 4 years ago I saw a lot of
stars again.
Thank you @kolomona1_ @kurtischongkee and all the boys for
the rescue.
I was in pain everywhere, but I really wanted to take
advantage of the conditions which were magnificent so I went back
to the peak telling myself that I was fine. After 1 hour I still
couldn’t see well, I wanted to vomit, I had a headache and I was
coughing up blood.
End of session
Thanks to @kai_lenny’s family for the help and
@have_you_seen_steve for the recovery tips.
I really don’t blame @coconut_willie, I stay positive,
accidents are part of surfing (I’m starting to get used to it..)
but I admit that I really wanted to surf this wave until the
end.
It’s time to go back to Nazare, rest and get back to Maui as
soon as possible I am sur this wave will come again.
Thanks to everyone for the welcome, the good vibes and the
help.
Brutal and the best of wishes to Ms. Dupont but do you blame
Coconut Willie for such behavior or is it simply the cost of doing
business amongst beasts?
Hmmmm.
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Influencers at Bondi. Photo:
@bondilifeguards
Australia’s Bondi smashes Waikiki, Santa
Monica to be named “most popular beach on TikTok!”
By Chas Smith
Much to celebrate.
Champagne corks are shooting skyward in Bondi,
Australia and hips are jerking to Meghan Trainor’s hit
“Made You Look” as those who call the eastern Sydney suburb home
celebrate their shock win as “the world’s most popular beach on
TikTok.”
According to the luxury United Kingdom holiday
company Destination2, Bondi smashed all-comers by
garnering 445.8 million views, over three times the nearest
competitor which just so happened to be Pattaya Beach in
Thailand.
Coming in fifth and eighth, respectively, were Oahu’s Waikiki
and California’s Santa Monica but at such a fraction of TikTok
views as to be basically non-competitors.
Longboard tour regional series-esque numbers.
TikTok, as you know, is the preferred social media platform of
annoying people and also regularly accused of being a spy tool for
the People’s Republic of China.
Very cool.
The World Surf League boasts an impressive 2.1 million followers
with many of its videos marked with the disclaimer, “The actions in
this video are performed by professionals or supervised by
professionals. Do not attempt.”
Do you think the kids at home heed the “no surfing” advice or
blatantly ignore?
Would be a lot cooler if they heeded, to be honest.
Here’s the TikTok dance tutorial to the aforementioned “Made You
Look,” in any case you’d like to learn.
Enjoy.
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Dirty feud over legendary surf
photographer’s estate, including $379k in cash, ends after judge
deems mysterious will labelled “Powderkeg” invalid!
By Derek Rielly
Bitter legal stoush over iconic photographer's
fortune ends!
The Gold Coast photographer Marty Tullemans, who was as
much a part of surf history as the iconic photographs he took but
who suffered from bi-polar disorder and, later, dementia,
died of kidney failure two years ago.
Marty was man of indeterminate age whose flamboyant behaviour,
driven by his mental illness, helped created a sort of cosmic
legend.
Minutes after I’d sold a painstakingly restored vintage station
wagon built in 1964 to him, I looked out the window of my office to
see the ancient Valiant mowing through the company’s flower beds,
the compact Dutchman’s grinning face only just visible above the
oversized steering wheel.
Another time, at the opening date with the woman who would
become my wife, later ex-wife, Marty appeared with a sword and
performed a dangerous set of callisthenics while swinging his
weapon, which was polished to a high sheen.
And ol Marty, who was pretty canny with his money, left a total
of 625k, which included $379,000 in cash.
A will from 2013 shared his estate equally between his
ex-partner’s four kids, including his step-daughter Tamar Tane, and
nothing to his sister, Maria Shaw.
In response, his sister claimed she had found an envelope,
marked “Powderkeg”, after he went into a nursing home that
contained an updated version of his will, this time leaving most of
his fortune to her.
The mysterious will!
“This is to be read only if the will is contested,” a letter
accompanying it read.
The step-daughter, Tamar Tane, challenged Maria’s application
and filed a counterclaim.
Tane’s lawyer alleged there were “suspicious circumstances”
surrounding the signing of the will.
In a court doc, Maria says she and her husband found a safe
containing the updated will, dated October 18, 2019, in Marty’s
Kirra Beach Caravan Park cabin.
Maria said the will had been witnessed by her dad Petrus
Tullemans and Marty’s pal and neighbour of thirty years, Deborah
Phillips.
Shaw’s son, David, said his Uncle Marty asked him to fill in a
will form and then dictated his wishes and then watched as Marty
signed the form in front of his grandfather Petrus and neighbour
Deborah.
Marty, said David, told him to keep the will confidential,
telling his nephew, “I have put the will in an envelope which has
“Powderkeg” written on it and put it in my safe”.
The “Powderkeg” will left fifty k to Tamar Tane to divide with
her siblings however she wanted, fifty k to Marty’s bro Frank and
the rest to Maria.
And here came the twist.
Deborah Phillips, whose signature is allegedly on “Powderkeg”,
signed a stat dec saying she didn’t see or witness Marty or his Dad
signing it.
In November 2020, Deborah said Maria invited her for dinner and
said, “I need you to sign a document for Martin” which she said she
refused.
Maria denied asking Deborah to sign the will.
The judge, meanwhile, ordered Maria to reveal text messages
between her and
Deborah and to surrender all of Marty’s phones and
computers.
On Friday, Justice David Jackson described the circumstances
surrounding “Powderkeg” will as suspicious pointing to the
discovery of the will by Shaw, who was gonna get the bulk of the
cash, that it was written by her son and the neighbour saying she
didn’t sign it, and found in favour of the 2013 will.
A fitting coda, I think, to Marty’s wild life.
“I’ll never forget Marty Tullemans rolling up to our family
front door in Nullaburra Rd Newport back in 1976,” Nick Carroll
wrote. “Tom and I were innocent grommets and the Cosmic Pygmy was
one of our early encounters with the sort of incredible humans who
dwelled in the realm we were doomed to inhabit for the rest of our
lives. We went out front to greet him, and Tullemans bowed, then
began a kind of ritualistic movement, a dance if you will, swinging
his hips around like an Indian Yogi. “Do this!” he urged us.
“You’ll open up the chakras!” The smell of patchouli arose and
wafted across the lawn. Our 80 year old grandmother, who’d lived
through two world wars and a Depression and was now engaged in
raising three grandkids on a foreign shore, was entranced by Marty.
“What an interesting person!” she said to me later. She was totally
right. Vale, you wacky witty lens person you.”
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Laird (insert) shining on. Photo:
@lupitanyongo
Love sleuths finger big wave stud Laird
Hamilton as possible matchmaker in shock union between Oscar winner
Lupita Nyong’o and surf broadcaster Sal Masekela!
By Chas Smith
He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood.
One of the greatest gifts surf fans received just ahead
of Christmas was Lupita Nyongo’o making Selema Masekela
“Instagram official.” The much-loved, Academy Award winning actress
at the very height of her powers, starring in blockbusters and
critically-acclaimed films alike, debuted her romance with the surf
broadcaster in a series of extremely cute matching outfit changes
plus dancing.
But how did it come to be?
How did the two meet?
Love sleuths combing the internet have landed upon Laird
Hamilton.
While the big wave icon is clearly multidisciplinary, pioneering
stand-up paddleboarding, tow surfing and foiling, his skills as a
matchmaker have not been thoroughly considered but here wave have
irrefutable evidence. Nyong’o, you see, is currently starring the
powerhouse film Wakanda Forever which features an underwater
kingdom. But how did she get into physical shape in order to reach
Talokan? By swimming with weights, of course, the patented
cornerstone of Laird Hamilton’s XPT training program.
I think there is limited reasonable doubt to think that Masekela
was at Hamilton’s house on one of those days, enjoying friendship
and coconut-based coffee creamers when the latter made
introduction. I think Hamilton, seeing a potential union would have
followed up with each, texting encouraging messages and/or
choreographed an XPT session where both Nyong’o and Masekela did
underwater weights together.
The rest, of course, is now history.
But if Hamilton can reach amorous successes at such a peak level
don’t you imagine that more single surfers and surfer-adjacent may
darken his door?
Joe Turpel seeking Jennifer Aniston?
Gabriel Medina plus Drew Barrymore?
Laird Hamilton listening patiently before smiling, lightly, and
saying, “Let us see what we can do?”
Exciting times.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
