Los Angeles surfers put on amazing display of wildly below average skill as swell hits Southern California!

Come swoon.

I am near certain that you are well aware of the George Santos scandal currently roiling American politics. If not, the short of it goes something like this. Santos, a Republican congressman who just won his seat in New York, was revealed to have lied about basically everything on his resume save being gay (I think).

Not Jewish, not a graduate from Baruch College, never working for Goldman Sachs or Citibank.

Kelly Slater’s wonderful friend, and noted surfer, Tulsi Gabbard, sitting in for Tucker Carlson on Fox News obliterated the poor boy on live television, exposing the untruths and ouch.

Well, not wanting to be a George Santos, I will admit to you openly and honestly that I discovered the below clip on The Inertia. It was headlined, on my Google News feed, “Closeout Barrels in Los Angeles Can Still Be Fun to Watch.”

Catchy.

I stared at it far longer than I should have before finally clicking, immediately getting off The Inertia and arriving at the original YouTube source.

The clip, there, was headlined “Day 2: Surfing Huge Closeouts.”

What I was met with was the most amazing collection of below average skill I have ever witnessed. The waves weren’t huge, by any measure, nor were many closeouts. It is worth a watch, though, for you to measure yourself accurately against the best and brightest of World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s home break El Porto.

Be honest.

Better? Worse? Equal?


Dave Prodan (left insert) and Heidi Klum hovering over Mescal and Jody. Photo: Mescal Wasilewski Instagram

In wild game of surf love intrigue, Strider Wasilewski’s brother Mescal marries Full House star Jody Sweetin thereby stealing thunder from Sal Masekela and Lupita Nyong’o!

Love island!

2022 is careening to its official conclusion but not before piling another giddy shock on surf fans still reeling from the latest blast. Days ago, as you know, Lupita Nyong’o made her relationship with Selema Masekela “Instagram Official” by posting a series of cute outfit changes. The extremely talented Academy Award winning actress and the surf broadcaster had officially eclipsed the heat surrounding Gisele Bündchen and Kelly Slater thus making them surfing-adjacent’s most powerful couple.

Until, that is, days ago when it was revealed that Jody Sweetin had married Mescal Wasilewski.

Best known for playing lovable Stephanie Tanner on the hit television program Full House, Sweetin has long been considered an American darling. Wasilewski, of course, the brother of surf broadcaster Strider.

The two officially got married in the summer but surf fans are generally slow to this kind of news therefore the giddy shock.

Sweetin told People magazine, “We intertwine so well. He’s funny and smart, and he’s my biggest supporter. It’s really magical.”

Adorable.

With the marriage, Sweetin and Wasilewski’s status supersedes Nyong’o and Masekela’s simple dating and a new surfing-adjacent most powerful couple is crowned.

A dizzying game of intrigue.

With three, or such, days left in the year will there be any more surprises?

Griffin Colapinto’s uncle and Rebecca Romijn?

World Surf League chief strategy officer Dave Prodan and Heidi Klum?

I saw her at Disneyland, recently, and though she was with a boyfriend I feel Prodan could sweep her off feet.

More as the story develops.


Photo: The Apocalypse.

Historically significant broadsheet trains fire on Bali’s day tripping surf tourists, describes vicious near-decapitation of local by “beginner kook scum!”

Chaos.

Bali, or the island of the gods, is a very magical place and if you have not visited before, I would very much suggest. There are many places to stay, sights to see, waves to surf though, it must be noted, raggedy hordes of hopped up tourists have become a serious problem.

These menaces, often dressed in Bali-branded merchandise, zig and zag on scooters, vomit into the gutters after drinking mushroom milkshakes and attempt to fulfill misguided childhood dreams of “learning to surf.”

The “learning to surf” bit has become such an issue that even the South China Morning Post has taken notice.

Founded in Hong Kong in 1903, the broadsheet was the official mouthpiece of British colonial rule, then the Rupert Murdoch empire until being sold to the Alibaba Group. While these days it suffers some criticism for promoting China’s soft power abroad, its journalist Dave Smith spared no disdain for Bali’s scourge of beginner kook scum.

Describing one incident, Smith wrote:

I get a very clear picture of what they are talking about when I paddle out to Medewi’s popular “point break” at high tide. The waves break slowly and consistently and are at times more than 100 metres in length – perfect for beginners. And therein lies the problem.

A few minutes after I get into the water, I see a beginner try to stand up on her surfboard before being wiped out.
Unfortunately, she didn’t properly attach her surfboard’s leg rope to her ankle and it comes undone – a crime in the surf world because it turns any surfboard into a dangerous waterborne projectile. And sure as death and taxes, it hits someone in the head – and that someone happens to be a local.

He doesn’t hold back from voicing his discontent.

While no punches were thrown, there is a heavy suggestion that there should be as various Austrian locals are interviewed, declaring, “When conditions are right, you can ride waves for up to one-and-a-half minutes here. (Before the pandemic) there would be maybe 20 surfers out on the waves – mostly locals and a couple of blow-ins from Kuta. But today there can be up to 100 surfers on any given day. And they’re all hungry for waves. They forget the rules.”

What should be done to help them remember those rules?

You tell me and the Austrian local.


Comic powerhouses roast the controversial “reimagined” Vans Pipe Masters in fiery, no-holds barred interview, “It’s like someone trying to do a techno remix of a Fleetwood Mac song!”

"They remixed the Pipe Masters and fucked it up!"

Two weeks ago, Koa Rotham, the middle son of North Shore enforcer Fast Eddie Rothman and brother to big-wave world champion Makua, rocked the surfing world with explosive allegations levelled at Vans’ “reimagined” version of the prestigious Pipe Masters. 

On the eve of the event, Rothman accused Vans of copying the format of the Backdoor Shootout, which his family runs each year, of turning the event into a shoulder-hopping air contest and of inviting surfers who, by any measure, shouldn’t be surfing Pipeline. 

“They invited a lot of people who’ve never surfed Pipe,” said Rothman. “If John and Kelly aren’t in it, is it really yet Pipe masters? If I won, I wouldn’t consider myself a Pipe Master.” 

Now, surfing’s two hottest comedians, Pensacola’s Sterling Spencer and Raglan’s Luke Cederman, have joined the fray one week after Australian Molly Picklum and New Yorker Balaram Stack took home a cool $100k each for winning their divisions. 

Amid a litany of criticism, including the tarnishing of a legacy (“If anyone’s going to take the Pipe Masters name and keep the legacy going, it should be Hawaiians,” says Spencer) and the inclusion of Crosby Colapinto (“That’s what blew my mind, Crosby’s name instead of Kelly’s, oh my god,” says Spencer), the pair described its “reimagining” as akin to “trying to do a techno remix of a Fleetwood Mac song!” 

“Fuck, Vans, man,” says Cederman. 

“Dude, I bet Da Hui was pissed about the Pipe Masters taking their format,” says Spencer. 

“Kelly Slater won a Pipe contest early in the year and he couldn’t claim it as a Pipe Masters title even though he won the contest at Pipeline in the exact same format as every other fucking Pipe Masters,” says Cederman, adding, “They have the Triple Crown as well, in an online format. That’s not a fucking contest, it doesn’t make sense.”

Funny as hell. 

But, do you agree?

I found considerable joy in the new format and the pop graphics and the relaxed ambience of the event, although Kelly, John John, Italo and Gabriel were sorely missed.

Reigning world champ Filipe Toledo not so much.


Slater (pictured) in the stink. Photo: Surf Ranch

Icon Kelly Slater defends scent of his Surf Ranch in blistering online screed: “Imagine thinking cows farting is worse than 6 billion lbs of pesticides sprayed a year!”

Death by a thousand turns.

And here we are near the very end of another year with all of its ups and downs wrapped in a nice bow. Did you have a favorite surf moment? Maybe champion Filipe Toledo’s brave performance at very scary Teahupo’o enjoying a front row seat while two 50-year-olds swapped kegs? What about Stephanie Gilmore climbing from basement to penthouse at Final’s Day?

But a worst moment?

Possibly the announcement that China’s Great Wall Motors had extended its relationship with the World Surf League in order to dump even more carbon spewing trucks and SUVs into landfills?

Or the re-inclusion of Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch back onto the 2023 tour?

I’d have to say that really did it for me. Now, I have been to Surf Ranch a total of five times, taking in a Surf Ranch Pro along the way, and while the wave is undeniably fun to surf, it is an absolute bore to watch being competed upon. The sections present singular canvases for our heroes and heroines to make the same turn, stall, barrel. The length absolutely sleep inducing.

Surf fans revolted as one when WSL CEO Erik Logan, and gang, disclosed that Surf Ranch would be May’s official entry and while the cries of anguish may not have pierced the patented Wall of Positive Noise, signs are pointing to Slater, himself, being affected.

In a minutes ago Instagram Story, the eleven-time world champion declared, “Imagine thinking cows farting is worse than 6 billion lbs of pesticides sprayed a year.”

As you certainly know, one of the many critiques of his Surf Ranch is the ever-lingering scent of bovine toot. I don’t know which championship tour venue features 6 billion lbs of pesticides sprayed a year but would agree with Cocoa Beach’s first son on that count. The smell becomes innocuous after a short while. What I can’t second, though, is the monotonous dull of the Surf Ranch Pro.

I’d, personally, take both cow farts and pesticides over watching Gabriel Medina ride the plow for one more year and he is as good as they come.

Death by a thousand turns.