"A twitching convulsion of vicious drivel passing
itself off as journalism."
Welcome to the 2023 pre-season BeachGrit Power
Rankings! Are you excited?!
Wait, no?
35. Jadson Andre
Placing here based on me wanting to use “Now if we be dead with
Jaddy, we believe that we shall also live with him: Knowing that
Jaddy being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more
dominion over him. For in that he died, he died unto sin once: but
in that he liveth, he liveth unto Bob [Kellz]. Likewise reckon ye
also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto Bob
through Jaddy our Lord,” after he wins Pipe.
34. Liam O’Brien
Injured and ousted off Tour last year before he even had the chance
to surf, we get to see him cut on skill this year.
33. Michael Rodrigues
Michael comes back to the Tour following… I guess he’s been
surfing, right? I don’t know. Hold onto your acai bowls, Letty.
32. Ryan Callinan
Still remember a time watching the hugely impressive backside
boosts in Blow Up. That was a long time ago.
31. Ramzi Boukhiam
Having spent 10 years on the ‘QS and Challenger Series, the
Moroccan Kelly Slater finally qualified for the ‘CT this year! How
fun! I’ve read somewhere… or heard maybe?… it be said that Ramzi’s
long tenure in the minor leagues should not be taken as an
indication of his true talent level. I don’t know about that, but
maybe people like David Scales are right and he becomes the first
29-year-old rookie worth watching ever! With a busted ankle
already, it’s not looking great.
30. Jake Marshall
With a surprisingly successful rookie year last year, highlights
for him being 1) beating JJF at Sunset and; 2) somehow managing to
be on the right side of the cut line after Margs, Young Snake gets
to take on Pipe this year with the benefit of a middling seed, free
to continue not making any barrels.
29. Jackson Baker
Looking like a mustachioed Humpty Dumpty, Jacko heads into the 2023
season determined to improve his rating… I mean, I’m assuming,
since usually people want to do better than they previously did…
anyway…
28. Rio Waida
A possible Rookie-of-the-Year candidate this year, Rio might do
well! He also might not. He could finish anywhere from 11 to
34.
27. Caio Ibelli
Caio had a great year last year, bagging three semi-finals and
finishing in the Top-10 by year’s end. Seems a little weird then
that I’d have him here.
26. Ian Gentil
It would be fun to get Ian to comment on his views on Israel’s new
government.
25. Matthew McGillivray
Mr. Post-It pulled a rabbit out of his prolapsed rectum to survive
the mid-year cut last year to the excitement of precisely six
people in the world. I wonder if one of the six includes the person
who let him park in their alleyway carport in the Make or Break
episode where they pretended he was homeless.
24. K-Hole Andino
Never having been particularly good at anything, I like to imagine
that life as a former child prodigy would in most circumstances be
hard and/or bleak. A hyped adolescence giving way to a life of
unfulfilled potential and cheap jokes at their expense, an
existence that becomes largely and broadly defined by questions
concerning what if? What ifs in general, about any subject, while
maybe not fun for the failed wunderkind when directed toward him,
are entertaining for everyone else almost no matter what, the
debate becoming infectious.
When it comes to the surf world, the two most exciting what ifs
to contemplate being 1) what if Ms. Defay and I had responded to
each other’s separate DMs about a year and a half ago? and; 2) what
if K-Hole’s dad wasn’t Dino and he was born in 1987? I am 100%
certain that in that scenario, K-Hole would not have become a
professional surfer and would have spent his sophomore year in high
school wearing tube socks paired with Adidas slides, calf-length
jean shorts, and a bright orange University of Miami (calling it
“The U”) Ken Dorsey jersey and speaking in a blaccent.
23. Maxime Huscenot
It has been a hard, long road for the Frenchman, a road marked by
the interluding tragic episodes that comprised the Saint
Bartholomew’s Day Massacre before his eventually qualification for
the World Championship Tour via the Edict of Nantes, an uneasy
peace that, hopefully, we will not have to revisit.
22. Seth Moniz
A great start to the year last year, Seth eventually got injured
and then apparently decided that he’d better trying to audition for
the Three Stooges (so much falling). If the surf is good, he should
have no problem requalifying and maybe barge his way into the
Top-10.
21. Joao Chianca
The most exciting rookie on Tour last year, dazzling viewers in
losing efforts to Double John at both Pipe and Bells, Baby Chumbo
didn’t make the cut and embarrassingly finished below human
television static, Jake Marshall, in the Rookie-of-the-Year race,
won by Eyebrow Williams.
20. Leonardo Fioravanti
Winner of the Challenger Series last year following being cut from
Tour last year, Leo will have to work very hard and be quite lucky
for me to not mention Roberto Benigni in reference to him… wait,
shit…
19. John John Florence
Married and living with the Kafkaesque-sized injury bug that has
plagued him since 2017, not to mention worrying about his clothing
brand, John John might not have what it takes to compete for a
Title this year. Is this stupid of me to say? Yes.
18. Samuel Pupo
Sammy joins Bruce and Mikey in the Younger Professional Surfer
Brother Whom Some, Consumed by a Case of Spoken Diarrhea, Have Said
“Could” Be Better Than Their Older Brother but Actually Isn’t Club.
Epic.
17. Jordan Michael Smith
After a bad year last year, one that saw our ageing hero
dispassionately and passively drive a stake through the widely held
idea that he could win a World Title, Jordan’s career is at a
crossroads. Should he try to win, only to fall short yet again? Or
should he give up on winning and be content cruising and making the
cut? Either way, ten years down the road, we’ll get to see him have
a surfing cameo in some young hot ripper’s video and think that he
sorta rips and remember that he was pretty good.
16. Zeke Lau
Another year, another time for people like me to convince
themselves that things will be different and Zeke will finally
become a Top-10 surfer. Like the serially on and off again ex that
you knew things inevitably would not work out with, but you kept
going back to just because she was there, available, still looked
OK, and hadn’t realized there were more than the five guys she had
ever dated in the world for her, maybe things will work out for
Zeke… at least until he realizes that becoming a server at Tommy
Bahama is the better option.
15. Callum Robson
Equipped with a virtually anonymous profile and decent enough rail
game heading into last season, like Morgan before him, Callum was
able to intoxicate the judges with potatoes and potatoes surfing to
great results! Hopefully unlike Morgs, he doesn’t shit the bed this
year.
14. Connor O’Leary
Surfing’s jack of all trades, master of none, Connor was
entertaining enough last year, coming out against the cut and
not-winning last minute in G-Land, all while surfing well enough to
requalify. It appears as if he just might yet reach his ceiling,
settling into the role as the new Ace.
13. Nat Young
Nat’s a pretty good surfer, one who should be able to leverage his
backside surfing, which the judges have rated highly in the past,
to make enough heats to requalify in case he doesn’t go very far at
Pipe.
12. Barron Mamiya
Blitzing the field and winning the second event of the year at
Sunset to take the early ratings lead, Barron steadily slid down
the ratings, finishing no better than ninth in any contest the rest
of the year. Taking just the results, one might think that he
sucked the rest of the year, which was not the case, he ripped,
especially in his heat with the year’s Golden Boy, Jack Robbo, at
Margs where after the comp Pritamo was found with head lodged up
into Jack’s colon.
11. Kelly Slater
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop
according to that owl? More than the number of event wins Kelly has
left in him. Still the prime surfer to watch at Pipe and
Te-ah-hu-p-o-o-o-o, I’m more excited for Kelly to get on the mic
and start to focus on his next true life calling telling stories
about himself while commentating surf contests.
10. Kanoa Igarashi
In coming up with a rating for Kanoa going into this year, I was
conflicted. Based on his trip to Finals Day and placing in the Top
5 at the end of the year, you’d expect him to be high on the list.
Easy enough, except I kept not being able to consider into the
equation his surprisingly low standing in the unpublished and
unwritten “BeachGrit Presents: The Rizz* Power Rankings,” where I
think I would write, “while sometimes able to benefit off white
girls thinking he may be a member of some K-Pop band, Kanoa’s
ability to pull women by a trio of factors, including 1) the words
he speaks sounding distorted and somewhat muffled like he’s trying
to talk to someone underwater; 2) him referring to himself in the
third-person, and; 3) his insistence on incessantly misquoting the
Art of World to prospective partners in order to make himself seem
more intelligent and worldly.”
9. Ethan Ewing
As an armchair surf coach, I think that a winning strategy for
Ethan would be to catch more waves, while also making sure to surf
them better than anyone else. Sorry, I commissioned the team
responsible for stupid talking head debate sports show to write
Ewing’s section for me because I kept falling asleep.
8. Italo Ferreira
With the return of Gabe full-time, Italo should be able to surf
well enough to make the Top 10 but probably not able convince
everyone that he is the clearly best goofy on Tour like he had the
opportunity to do last year.
7. Yago Dora
This is the year that Yago takes over as the second-best goofy on
Tour. Mark that down.
6. Filipe Toledo
With the tub on the schedule and Trestles, where he can exhibit his
best-in-the-game rail and top tier aerial abilities, still looming
as the Finals Day location, Fil isthe overwhelming favorite to take
the Title.
Why rated here then?
Mostly because, even with the recent run of large swell in
Southern California, I have not seen him surf any waves larger than
head high in any clips recently, the newly added geometric lines to
his lion chest tattoo looks awful, and… no, that’s it.
5. Griffin Colapinto
Possessing an all-around skillset that should allow him to compete
for a win at nearly every venue on the schedule this year, save
Wave Ranch, Griff will make it into the Top 5 by year’s end.
4. Jack Robinson
Having Finals Day at Trestles hurts Jack more than any other Title
contender. At almost any other high-performance good wave around
the world, he could be reasonably considered a favorite. Problem is
at Lowers I’d more likely believe that he would be attacked by a
shark than be able to beat either Fil or Gabe there, both of whose
skills in that wave are a level far beyond anybody else’s by an
order of magnitude greater than else perhaps any other venue, save
the tub. That being the case, I have to just mention that December
of this year will mark the 10-year anniversary of the last crowned
Aussie World Champion. So sad.
3. Miguel Pupo
Still vicariously riding high from his win in Tahiti at the end of
last year, I am placing Miguel here for no other reason than I like
him, want him to do well, and I do what I want.
2. Gabriel Medina
Back in action after missing the first half of last year on a
self-imposed hiatus for emotional healing and then the final two
events for physical healing, Gabe is a lock to make it to Finals
Day on his way to a possible fourth World Title. When he gets
there, he is the only one I have any confidence in that could beat
Toledo, as he did in 2021. His ability at all event locations,
including specifically Hawaii and Tahiti, where Fil might decide to
use the excuse of trying to not injure himself, will likely have
him holding onto first position going into the Finals, with the
opportunity to only need to take two of three heats.
1. Luke Shepardson
During what was considered by one Billiam Kemper to be “the best
day in surfing history,” Luke etched his name into
everlasting (next 20 or so years, at least) surf glory by winning
the Eddie in front of an adoring, mostly digital
audience, who liked the idea of the humble, North Shore
lifeguard taking it to the pros, like Billiam, who do
this sort of thing for a living. Or maybe I just did. Either way, I
am delighted to take the easy way out and confer upon him the title
of Most Powerful.