Shakira's surf fans (left) causing stress.
Shakira's surf fans (left) causing stress.

Spanish football star Gerard Piqué skewers chanteuse Shakira’s Latin American surf fans in explosive new interview: “You can’t imagine the comments I’ve gotten on social media. Millions of barbarities!”

Rage against the Brazilian Storm.

There have been many extremely sad breakups this year, ones that left surfer cheeks tearstained but, also, hope flickering in heart. Who could forget the demise of Giselle Bündchen and Tom Brady? The Brazilian supermodel and her handsome quarterback beau formed the very ideal until, overnight, they called it quits. Of course candles were lit for a Bündchen and Kelly Slater reunion, though those have seemed to have burned low.

Then there was Shakira and Gerard Piqué. The Colombian chanteuse and her Spanish footballer were married for around the same time as Bündchen and Brady, cutting an international figure of the aforementioned ideal, but they too fell under the bomb.

As a way of dealing with the demise, Shakira went surfing. Oh, our lifestyle choice was not new to her. She had spent much time on a surfboard out at sea but her earnest embrace, in order to soothe a broken heart, was something we all understood.

Piqué, for his part, has remained mostly silent and surf-free, though sat down with Romero for an interview wherein he described the jolt of rage coming from Shakira’s many surf fans.

“In the beginning, it was bad and it reached a point where if I had let things get to me, I would have thrown myself off a cliff,” he said of their comments. “For example, my ex is Latin American … you can’t imagine [the comments] I’ve gotten on social media from her fans. Millions of barbarities! But I don’t care about any of it. Honestly, not at all because I don’t know them. These people have no lives and why should I care? I’ll never meet them, they’re robots, you know?”

The FC Barcelona back has clearly never heard of the Brazilian Storm nor been bashed by their fans. As one who has, I have to think his calling them “barbarities,” saying they have no lives and describing them as robots will certainly not go over well.

Likely many more comments on his various feeds.

“World SHAME Piqué” etc.

More as the story develops.

Open Thread: Comment Live, Day One of the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach where surf fans are locked into a glass cage of emotion!

The mid-season cut loometh!

Surfline (right) explaining to World Surf League (left) why it just isn't working anymore.
Surfline (right) explaining to World Surf League (left) why it just isn't working anymore.

World Surf League receives third devastating forecast in a row from onetime “toxic positivity” partner Surfline ahead of Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach!

"Jumbled surf and unfavorable wind."

The third stop on the World Surf League Championship Tour allegedly kicks off in mere hours though surf fans, around the globe, are in no way encouraged to drop what they’re doing, call in sick for work, update internet service provider, no. For the third time in a row, the forecast has been labeled “dog shit” by the League’s official partner Surfline.

The just-released “brief overview” reads:

TUES 4th: Modest yet fun surf, clean in AM – Possible run for at least AM
WED 5th: Smaller surf and with onshore wind – likely off
THURS 6th: New/modest swell but wind problematic – Possible run for at least AM
FRI 7th: Smaller, easing surf but clean – Possible run for at least AM
SAT/SUN 8th-9th: Possible rise of jumbled surf and unfavorable wind — likely off

“Modest yet fun” being the best Surfline could conjure.

“Problematic” and “unfavorable” carrying the day.

But what could have happened between a relationship once crowned with absurd positive fantasy? A marriage based upon seeing the brighter side and by “brighter side” I mean an absurd positive fantasy?

Surf fans clearly remember even just last year, and the years before, wherein  Surfline would praise whatever the forecast was using the fruitiest of nonsense. Two-foot and dumping became ten-foot and reeling. Flat became rippable.


Jumbled surf and unfavorable wind is merely jumbled surf and unfavorable wind but how did the union between World Surf League and Surfline officials sour so… publicly?

Did the forecasters, themselves, push back as their good names became synonymous with Erik “Flimflam” Logan?

Did the Surfline brass realize that the momentum is not, in fact, real?

Questions we can bandy about as we tune in to modest surf in mere hours, I suppose.

What Lemoore might look like after the "impending monster" of snow pack roars into town from the Sierra Nevada and possibly disrupting the Surf Ranch Pro on May 27, 28. | Photo: Paramount Pictures/Crawl

Fears for Surf Ranch Pro as long-dormant lake suddenly appears after apocalyptic river storms wreak havoc in Lemoore and as town braces for melting of “historic” snow pack! “This is a slowly unfolding natural disaster”

“There is no way to handle this!”

Lemoore, California, midway between those great centres of American homelessness, Los Angeles and San Francisco, is bracing for the melting of “historic” snow pack from the nearby Sierra Nevada following epic rains that had already beat up the town and drowned farms. 

“This impending monster — a 50-foot-plus deep snowpack that we haven’t seen in 75 years —  is sitting up there,” Matt Hurley, a former water manager for several water districts in the Tulare Basin, told NBC, “and we just don’t know how fast it’s going to turn into water and come out of the mountains.”

There’s already been so much rain that Tulare Lake, once the second-largest freshwater lake in the US but drained to nothing by canals and irrigation a century ago, has suddenly reappeared. 

“This is a slowly unfolding natural disaster,” said Jeffrey Mount, a senior fellow at the Water Policy Center of the Public Policy Institute of California. “There’s no way to handle it with the existing infrastructure.”

Wild times and blame climate change, Trump, I suppose, and prayers to the poor workers of Lemoore, living from one lousy pay cheque to the next, but prayers, also, for surf fans who’ve paid $9790.86 for the Surf Ranch Pro Experience Package, only to be trapped in a stinking cattle town for a weekend and staring out the locked window of their underwhelming Tachi Palace room as the joint disappears under floodwater.

There is the balm of getting to ride five waves on the Sunday night and VIP access “to an exclusive celebration with finalists at the conclusion of the event”. 

The five-thousand dollar glamping packages might be an unwise choice, however.

Or, watch the apocalypse on site while floating in an Airstream. These packages cost a little under 8k.

Kelly Slater and VIPs (pictured) enjoying Surf Ranch without interference from pesky little germs. Photo: WSL
Kelly Slater and VIPs (pictured) enjoying Surf Ranch without interference from pesky little germs. Photo: WSL

Child Protective Services on high alert as World Surf League telegraphs serious “Grom abuse” ahead of Surf Ranch Pro!

Like Oliver Twist.

Surf fans’ excitement surrounding the just-released tickets for the upcoming Surf Ranch Pro has not yet begun to abate, though a new worry is percolating just beneath the surface. As you know, the World Surf League Championship Tour heads to Lemoore, California after the Australian leg. Surfers who have survived the dreaded “mid-season cut” will be rewarded with a no expense paid trip to inland central California where they will be met with lousy weather and cow stink.

Surf fans, too, can join them and very exciting but also troubling for the finer print clearly demonstrates that the World Surf League is intent on participating in the now-frowned upon activity of “grom abuse.”

Those “in the know” are certainly aware of the practice wherein surfing children are cuffed, dropped in upon, vigorously splashed in the lineup. The World Surf League, though, appears to be planning on moving that brand of injustice to land.

The Surf Ranch Pro ticket packages, you see, have both general admission and VIP varietals. The general admission comes in two sizes: Adult (18+) for $24.99 and Grom (-17) for $12.50. All fine and well…. except.

Groms are not allowed to be very important at a discounted price.

Per the League:

As a VIP, you’ll have access to elevated food options as well as the VIP-only bar. Stay comfortable with air-conditioned restrooms and enjoy the convenience of a VIP parking pass. Additionally, VIP ticket holders will receive a free custom hat at the WSL Official Store to remember your experience.

– VIP access to the event on Saturday May 27 and Sunday May 28.
– VIP space and lounge
– Elevated food options for purchase
– Access to VIP-only bar
– VIP-only air conditioned restrooms
– VIP parking pass
– Merchandise benefit: free custom hat at the WSL Official Store
– Note there is no Grom option for VIP. Children under 2 may accompany parents into the VIP area without a pass. Groms older than two must hold a VIP ticket.

Again, “Note there is no Grom option for VIP.”

No elevated food options. No air conditioned restrooms. No happy memories of the experience from a free custom hat unless that Grom shells out the full $499.00 plus $21.86 fee.

What sort of Grom is sitting on that kinda loot?

Extremely harsh.

Like Oliver Twist.

In other news, how do you feel about the World Surf League using “cool” talk like “Grom” in official correspondence?

Hang loose.