Surfline (right) explaining to World Surf League (left) why it just isn't working anymore.
Surfline (right) explaining to World Surf League (left) why it just isn't working anymore.

World Surf League receives third devastating forecast in a row from onetime “toxic positivity” partner Surfline ahead of Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach!

Chas Smith

By

"Jumbled surf and unfavorable wind."

The third stop on the World Surf League Championship Tour allegedly kicks off in mere hours though surf fans, around the globe, are in no way encouraged to drop what they’re doing, call in sick for work, update internet service provider, no. For the third time in a row, the forecast has been labeled “dog shit” by the League’s official partner Surfline.

The just-released “brief overview” reads:

TUES 4th: Modest yet fun surf, clean in AM – Possible run for at least AM
WED 5th: Smaller surf and with onshore wind – likely off
THURS 6th: New/modest swell but wind problematic – Possible run for at least AM
FRI 7th: Smaller, easing surf but clean – Possible run for at least AM
SAT/SUN 8th-9th: Possible rise of jumbled surf and unfavorable wind — likely off

“Modest yet fun” being the best Surfline could conjure.

“Problematic” and “unfavorable” carrying the day.

But what could have happened between a relationship once crowned with absurd positive fantasy? A marriage based upon seeing the brighter side and by “brighter side” I mean an absurd positive fantasy?

Surf fans clearly remember even just last year, and the years before, wherein  Surfline would praise whatever the forecast was using the fruitiest of nonsense. Two-foot and dumping became ten-foot and reeling. Flat became rippable.

Now?

Jumbled surf and unfavorable wind is merely jumbled surf and unfavorable wind but how did the union between World Surf League and Surfline officials sour so… publicly?

Did the forecasters, themselves, push back as their good names became synonymous with Erik “Flimflam” Logan?

Did the Surfline brass realize that the momentum is not, in fact, real?

Questions we can bandy about as we tune in to modest surf in mere hours, I suppose.

What Lemoore might look like after the "impending monster" of snow pack roars into town from the Sierra Nevada and possibly disrupting the Surf Ranch Pro on May 27, 28. | Photo: Paramount Pictures/Crawl

Fears for Surf Ranch Pro as long-dormant lake suddenly appears after apocalyptic river storms wreak havoc in Lemoore and as town braces for melting of “historic” snow pack! “This is a slowly unfolding natural disaster”

Derek Rielly

By

“There is no way to handle this!”

Lemoore, California, midway between those great centres of American homelessness, Los Angeles and San Francisco, is bracing for the melting of “historic” snow pack from the nearby Sierra Nevada following epic rains that had already beat up the town and drowned farms. 

“This impending monster — a 50-foot-plus deep snowpack that we haven’t seen in 75 years —  is sitting up there,” Matt Hurley, a former water manager for several water districts in the Tulare Basin, told NBC, “and we just don’t know how fast it’s going to turn into water and come out of the mountains.”

There’s already been so much rain that Tulare Lake, once the second-largest freshwater lake in the US but drained to nothing by canals and irrigation a century ago, has suddenly reappeared. 

“This is a slowly unfolding natural disaster,” said Jeffrey Mount, a senior fellow at the Water Policy Center of the Public Policy Institute of California. “There’s no way to handle it with the existing infrastructure.”

Wild times and blame climate change, Trump, I suppose, and prayers to the poor workers of Lemoore, living from one lousy pay cheque to the next, but prayers, also, for surf fans who’ve paid $9790.86 for the Surf Ranch Pro Experience Package, only to be trapped in a stinking cattle town for a weekend and staring out the locked window of their underwhelming Tachi Palace room as the joint disappears under floodwater.

There is the balm of getting to ride five waves on the Sunday night and VIP access “to an exclusive celebration with finalists at the conclusion of the event”. 

The five-thousand dollar glamping packages might be an unwise choice, however.

Or, watch the apocalypse on site while floating in an Airstream. These packages cost a little under 8k.

Kelly Slater and VIPs (pictured) enjoying Surf Ranch without interference from pesky little germs. Photo: WSL
Kelly Slater and VIPs (pictured) enjoying Surf Ranch without interference from pesky little germs. Photo: WSL

Child Protective Services on high alert as World Surf League telegraphs serious “Grom abuse” ahead of Surf Ranch Pro!

Chas Smith

By

Like Oliver Twist.

Surf fans’ excitement surrounding the just-released tickets for the upcoming Surf Ranch Pro has not yet begun to abate, though a new worry is percolating just beneath the surface. As you know, the World Surf League Championship Tour heads to Lemoore, California after the Australian leg. Surfers who have survived the dreaded “mid-season cut” will be rewarded with a no expense paid trip to inland central California where they will be met with lousy weather and cow stink.

Surf fans, too, can join them and very exciting but also troubling for the finer print clearly demonstrates that the World Surf League is intent on participating in the now-frowned upon activity of “grom abuse.”

Those “in the know” are certainly aware of the practice wherein surfing children are cuffed, dropped in upon, vigorously splashed in the lineup. The World Surf League, though, appears to be planning on moving that brand of injustice to land.

The Surf Ranch Pro ticket packages, you see, have both general admission and VIP varietals. The general admission comes in two sizes: Adult (18+) for $24.99 and Grom (-17) for $12.50. All fine and well…. except.

Groms are not allowed to be very important at a discounted price.

Per the League:

As a VIP, you’ll have access to elevated food options as well as the VIP-only bar. Stay comfortable with air-conditioned restrooms and enjoy the convenience of a VIP parking pass. Additionally, VIP ticket holders will receive a free custom hat at the WSL Official Store to remember your experience.

– VIP access to the event on Saturday May 27 and Sunday May 28.
– VIP space and lounge
– Elevated food options for purchase
– Access to VIP-only bar
– VIP-only air conditioned restrooms
– VIP parking pass
– Merchandise benefit: free custom hat at the WSL Official Store
– Note there is no Grom option for VIP. Children under 2 may accompany parents into the VIP area without a pass. Groms older than two must hold a VIP ticket.

Again, “Note there is no Grom option for VIP.”

No elevated food options. No air conditioned restrooms. No happy memories of the experience from a free custom hat unless that Grom shells out the full $499.00 plus $21.86 fee.

What sort of Grom is sitting on that kinda loot?

Extremely harsh.

Like Oliver Twist.

In other news, how do you feel about the World Surf League using “cool” talk like “Grom” in official correspondence?

Hang loose.

From the 1986 Op Pro riot through yesterday, Huntington Beach has a proud history of unrest. Photo: The Encyclopedia of Surfing
From the 1986 Op Pro riot through yesterday, Huntington Beach has a proud history of unrest. Photo: The Encyclopedia of Surfing

Ex-President Donald Trump’s prediction of “death and destruction” in wake of indictment manifests in Surf City, USA!

Chas Smith

By

"Huntington Beach gonna Huntington Beach."

The old adage “Huntington Beach gonna Huntington Beach” proved, once again, true on the very first day of April as a pro-Trump rally became bloodied by anti-Trump activists swinging skateboards. According the the Los Angeles Times, a group of 40 fans of the ex-United States President gathered together to wave flags reading “Make America Great Again” and sing songs featuring the chorus “God bless Trump” as a sign of rage over the aforementioned’s recent indictment.

The sun shone overhead and the nearby waves, though small, provided the perfect canvas for Huntington Hopping.

Then, out of nowhere, all hell broke absolutely loose.

Two men described by those at the scene as “Radical Left Democrats” came rushing into the happy camp, skateboards waving wildly over head, connecting with a few red capped skulls.

A man driving a BMW also threw a bottle of water at the group.

This was not the first time violence has broken out between Trump likers and dislikers in Surf City, USA.

Six years ago, tempers flared at a march leaving many with hurt feelings.

Back to yesterday’s troubles, though, Michelle Henney who was there and also claimed to be at our nation’s Capitol Building on January 6th, told the Times that Trump was innocent and his impending arrest a “Witch Hunt.”

“If he had a booger in his nose, they’d arrest him for indecent exposure,” she said.

Yucky.

Surf fans, while saddened by the dustup, are more worried about the fate of the U.S. Open of Surfing. Traditionally hosted in Huntington Beach, the World Surf League Challenger Series event has recently lost its title sponsor. With its July 29 through August 6 window still months away, there is hope that a major player will come in and bolster professional surf hopefuls.

Possibly Bailey Ladders.

THE MOMENTUM IS REAL.

Hayden Cox, appearing in Mr Porter as a man of measure and taste, main photo, haydenshapes clothing inset left and resin table for SP01, right.

“World’s most beautiful surfboard shaper” Hayden Cox continues pivot into high-end luxury goods following his clothing brand for Mr Porter with new ultra-exclusive furniture range, including $11,900 table!

Derek Rielly

By

"A blend of delicate craftsmanship and lineal minimalism…the internal catalyst textures of resin allow light to shift and refract – like sun through seawater."

The Australian surfboard shaper Hayden Cox is an easy target. Handsome kid and gorgeous wife annex a hunk of the surfboard market with a a high-fashion approach to marketing and a model that appeals to everyone, even beginners.

Although figures are a little blurry on such things, it’s likely his surfboard model, the Hypto-Krypto, a spruced-up seventies style design that was more fun that the vigorous operation of your sex glands, is the biggest-selling surfboard model in the world.

Perhaps you’ll remember my rapture when I first visited his headquarters on Sydney’s northern beaches. What a thrill it was to see a joint free from the ravages of hipster cliché. There was no wood, no pendant lighting, nothing vintage. No motorcycles or coffee machines. Nothing that screamed the buzzword “authentic!”

Instead, wall-to-wall polished concrete with an asymmetrical counter of fabricated concrete shadowed by a large screen built into the wall showing black-and-white surf films of empty waves and occasionally Craig Anderson. Surfboards of matte and polished black, and white, hung from bespoke clothing racks.

Now, and following a collaboration with online men’s retailer Mr Porter for his eponymous surfboard brand’s clothing collection, which included four-hundred dollar surf trunks and six-hundred dollar shell jackets, the sunny faced forty one year old  has dived into furniture manufacturing with four pieces “utilising his mastery of resin” for high-end Australian furniture brand SP01.

“What has driven what some people call luxury is materiality,” Cox told the Brisbane Times. “With surfboards and designing with Future Flex we set a new price point in the industry. That sent the industry down another path and influenced other brands to work with different materials. It’s about creating a new perception.”

Per SP01’s pitch,

“A blend of delicate craftsmanship and lineal minimalism, it’s the distinct materiality of resin that plays the leading role in shape, opacity and colour selection in the Refract collection’s design. With a hand feel of stone and a visual likeness to glass, the internal catalyst textures of resin allow light to shift and refract – like sun through seawater. The stacked lineal shapes that form the table bases take design cues from a wave set. The slabs each glowing at the tip and deepening in colour as each prism expands.”

If you want a piece, there’s a coffee table, console table, side table or a decorative surfboard, which you can examine here. The table is a little under twelve gees Australian and the surfboard is $3950.

Photo: Jack English
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