Very sad.
Today was to be the day that surf fans, the world over, would see surfing’s greatest draw, 11x champion, Pipe Master and Pro Pipeline, Kelly Slater surf for the first time since a mock execution less than two weeks ago. You certainly remember how the 51-year-old, there in Margaret River and facing the World Surf League’s dreaded mid-season cut, faltered and was lain beside Kolohe Andino, Nat Young, Jackson Baker et. al. under the guillotine’s wicked blade.
His career, spanning decades, over in the blink of an eye unless he could somehow, in some way, muster the gumption to crawl back to the Qualifying Series, gain enough points and victoriously return to the bottom rung of the Championship Tour.
Well, in a wild, last minute reprieve, the World Surf League, which had already changed its rules under cover of darkness allowing for professional surfers named “Kelly Slater” to earn points in surf competitions where others cannot, swooped in and rescued the ageless-but-clearly-aging wonder, gifting to him a season-long wildcard that would allow him to stay on tour for basically ever.
Slater, though, was still slated to join his beheaded former stablemates in Coolangatta for the Gold Coast Pro Challenger Series event that opened its window yesterday, set to surf in round 64, heat 12 running later today. He has a home there, familiarity with the wave and surf fans, the world over, thrilled to see if he could regain some form, maybe even make a fairytale Olympic push.
Those hearts are now flopping on the sidewalk like gross little fishies out of water.
The last squirts of blood wheezing through vena cavas.
For, allegedly, the greatest athlete ever has decided not to participate in the event. A well-placed source declares he is currently in Hawaii, and will not get on a westbound jet plane, because “he doesn’t have to.”
“He’ll just re-qualify through the tour now that he has all the wildcards.”
What do you think about that?
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Fuck off Cuckold Slater, you jerk. Stop ruining surfing you old, sell-out leatherhandbag. Get your head outt of your arse, wanker.
Win 11 world titles and you shall receive special powers and privileges….. said the ever powerful surfing Gawds
He should be allowed to surf in any contest he wants. He has and still dominates in the water. Although he should have to compete in enough events to stay competitive and to have a minimum of points to be granted an invitation to an event.
IT doesn’t matter what you think..or what anybody thinks..or even wants it’s only what Kelly wants that matters. it’s Kelly’s air you breathe my question to you is this .what’s more important the air you breathe in ..or the air you breathe out
Word on the grape vine, ELO is changing the rules to allow a wildcard to the WSL final showdown.
Wsl should assume Kelly won’t win a world championship again, specially with Trestles as “showdown”.
They should give him wildcards for event he wants.
seriously should just let him surf whatever he wants as mysto – who fucking cares
then we can just add a betting round on whether he rocks up to an event or not
whole new gambling event there
then give the injury wc to those properly injured
Forecast dependant, the first round is being surfed in 1 foot snapper. Kelly would get knocked first round.
This leaves Silvana Lima as the elder of the comp. She also had the ladies highest heat total. Youth must be served.
Sounds like Kelly Slater has punched ELo in the throat with this movie
Then a revamped multi-stop seniors tour at Cloudbreak, Chopes, Pipe, Soup Bowls and similar. Age restricted to 53 yo. The next year 54 and so on.
learned a new term today and its not ‘clickbait.’ Doritos Journalism. For example, replace Lynchings in Mississippi with Kelly Slater
https://substackcdn.com/ima…
We keep hearing the same names in surfing. Not enough new talent coming up. Surfing is running out of surfers. Beach living is crazily expensive compared to what it once was. Artists got run out of NYC, surfers are getting gentrified out of the ocean.
You didn’t watch round one of Snapper yesterday? I’ve never heard of 70% of the guys in it.
thats my point. same 20 names for years now. Like BG!
Conner Coffin
yep. caio and conner right now, ugh
THE FUTURE
I can already imagine the favelas overlooking Mona Vale.
Plenty of Brazzos to build em too
A house in Manly, Venice, Bondi, Cotesloe, Santa Mon, GC, San Fran beach suburbs are 2 mill+ entry level
Coulda been up there with Waystar Royco had i not spent my youth supporting black markets
I remember when we thought Terrey Hills was the favela
Haha, true
51 yr old decides to extend Hawaiian beach vacation at oceanfront villa w/ bikini designer SO rather than fly thousands of miles to be hassled and hunted by kids (less than) half his age desperate to add his scalp to their trophy wall. Sign me up …
Sure to be the best ever seller.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Brings back memories of CKT.
Kelly, straight hander, for the WSL win while dick dragging in 2035.
Here we are talking about the wild cards and mid-season cuts and all that real sporting stuff as though the WSL isn’t just an entertainment/content endeavor designed to garner as much clicks and fake-views as possible.
There is a time for everyone to call it a day before they become a joke ala Brett Favre. That time has arrived for Mr. Clean.
Kelly Slater helps design the Cut
Kelly Slater benefits from the rules of the Cut
Kelly Slater Screws the WSL and Elo by No Showing Snapper
Kelly Slater says see you at the Pool..
Kelly Slater out here playing Chess
Kelly Slater’s Heat tactics still evident after all these years
I wonder what kind of performances he’ll put on for the rest of the season .. he may fall off twice this year. Then I wonder what would happen if that happened.
Certainly wouldn’t be a good look ol’ Kelly there .